My reasons:
1- I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.
2- I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).
3- I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.
My other, more emotional reasons for not wanting marriage:
4- it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion)
5- I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name
6- I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name
7- I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that
8- I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity
9 1 I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children. Honestly, I’d be quite prepared to become a single mother by choice as I feel it’d almost be easier as
10- I could parent the way that I want
11- I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues
12-I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills
13- I get to make parenting decisions by myself
Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things
14 - to not be harassed for sex/sexual acts after having a baby
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Firstly, it's your choice OP and fantastic for you that you have savings and are in a position emotionally/physically/financially to raise a child alone! However, here are my thoughts on your points above - just my perspective as a married late 20s woman with a 16mDD....
1.) No comments, that's great!
2.) No comments, also great!
3.) Great that you have savings, and many women do raise children alone and manage well/better. However a lot to be said for two incomes and not having all the financial pressure on you, but again, many do well without a partner.
4.) I actually agree, but felt that I wanted to be married for the legal and financial protection before we had children. If we weren't having kids I perhaps wouldn't have been as bothered as I too am able to earn a decent amount of money alone if needs be.
5.) You don't have to! I go by Ms Double Barrell name. Have always been a Ms since 16/17 taking example from my mum who also wanted to be Ms not Mrs. Also, come from a home where DF took DMs name which in those days was very unusual.
6.) Agreed, annoyed me when DHs family assumed I'd become Mrs DHs surname. They were shocked (eye roll, it's 2021) when we both changed to double barrel to combine both names and create a new one for our DC.
7.) You don't have to spend 20,000! Agree that many weddings do spend money that could be better spent on housing/kids stuff. We spent around 10,000 including honeymoon, before DC as I knew after DC I wouldn't be able to part with that money even if I had it as there's always something better to use it for. However, it was an AMAZING day and so fun, relaxed and a real 'party party' - tons of kids and just very exciting with lots going on. We did really well with stretching our money now I think about it! Wouldn't have changed it.
8.) Why would your identity be deleted!? You carry on being you, you don't have to take a partners name and you can be Ms.
9.) Fair enough! No rule/cultural rule that you have to be married presuming you are in UK
10.) Can't argue with this
11.) I wouldn't have been half as rested and relaxed without DH, who woke up with me for every night feed to feed me snacks while I BF, and still does every night wake with me (the rare ones we get now she's 16m). There's a lot to be said for having a supportive and useful co-parent for the days you are stressed/emotional/sick/tired/just can't do it anymore (especially in young baby phase where they can cry and cry and it's endless feeding, endless rocking, endless 24/7 care and a huge body and mind shock!)
12.) If you have a relationship with issues before DC, then yes, you will likely be worse after DC as they really do test the foundations of your relationship. But if you have a solid and loving relationship then it's tested, but you come through together.
13.) Fair enough! Although me and DH are mostly on the same page, we had been together 13 years before having DC and I am forthright and literally had in depth conversations about future kids when we were 16/17 😂 I then decided we would wait until we both had an education, good jobs, a home and marriage before agreeing to children as DH would honestly have had them at 18. He's very affectionate and a natural parent. I on the other hand crave a lot of solitude/freedom so I needed to be sure I could cope emotionally.
14.) I have seen many posts on here with this issue and it must be awful for those women. Also know women who suffer from this in real life and its so uncomfortable for them emotionally and physically. Personally, DH has NEVER pressured me for sex not even hinted. He knows it wouldn't go down well for one but is very emotionally respectful and craves 'soft' affection more than he does sex - he can be fine with once a week but after DD we did wait 8-10 weeks due to sheer tiredness. He is happy to do it as much as I want, and if it fell to a low level that even he struggled with then he would ask me why, discuss, and do anything he needed to make me more comfortable and in the mood.
There are many good partners out there but I do agree if you have a useless or abusive one it will make parenting so much harder