To want to become a single mother by choice?

[Eversograteful]

I have made up my mind that I 100% do not want to get married. Ever. Even after kids.

My reasons:

• I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.
• I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).
• I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.

My other, more emotional reasons for not wanting marriage:

• it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion)
• I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name
• I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name
• I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that
• I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity

I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children. Honestly, I’d be quite prepared to become a single mother by choice as I feel it’d almost be easier as

• I could parent the way that I want
• I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues
• I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills
• I get to make parenting decisions by myself

Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things

I don’t have kids of my own (yet) but I’ve been yearning for my own family (children only) since I was sixteen - I even have the names picked out!. Strangely I’ve always been turned off by marriage since I was a child (even though my parents are married). It’s only recently I’ve decided it’s something I definitely do not want.

AIBU for dreaming about having children on my own?

‘ Kids need fathers, there is a lot of detriment from not having a father for both genders. Personally I don't think women should have the right to remove fathers from their children by choice unless father is abusive, unwell etc ’

Our kids, who have 2 mums, appear to be happy, secure confident. So I’d disagree with this. They do have very positive male role models in their lives but no father.

I think also this arrangement is much more likely to work if you have supportive family nearby

How old are you OP? Unless you’re in your thirties I’d let this idea settle for a few more years.

A few things about being a single parent by choice that I think might be worth consideration:

Don’t underestimate the need for a solid support network if you decide to become a single parent. You have to build that before the baby arrives and nurture that support network, especially local to you. It would be a mistake to go into this thinking ‘I can do this on my own’. Without a partner maybe, but instead it’s advisable to have a list of people who want to be involved in your child’s life to the extent that they are genuinely willing to do so. I think along the lines of it taking a village to raise a child and I think this is even truer for kids of single parents.

Also, think about men in your life who can be positive male role models to your child. This is incredibly important. Basically, anything that the child will lose by not having a father, you need to think about and try to mitigate as far as possible (the father figure isn’t replaceable but there are things you can put in place to help).

Think beyond the baby stage. Being a single mum to a baby/toddler was a doddle for me in comparison to dealing with school as a single parent.

Do tons of research into how best to protect your child from the downsides of being donor conceived. It can’t be done entirely but the Donor Conception Network have run research projects and studies into the effects on kids of being donor conceived and how different choices you can make in how you go about it and how talk to your child about their origin can affect the child’s experience.

There is so much naivety and lack of insight into relationships in your post I would guess you are very young.

I said the same as you when I was 13😂 My mum was horrified and really afraid I meant it.

I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage
Hahahaha.

You may put your kid in nursery, but every other week you'll receive a phone call that goes something like this: "Hello, your kid has a fever. Could you please collect them asap and only return to nursery after 48hrs of no fever and a negative PCR test." I could tally up how many days my one year old has been home this year. She was off for 3 weeks in April as she got hit with cold after cold after cold, with tonsillitis and a chest infection. Then a month later she got croup. It's relentless.

I do think you’re being naive about the impact a baby will have on your work life. I had a very hands on DW helping and we still struggled. Drop baby off at nursery at 8am meant one of us was arriving ‘late’ at work, pick up at 6pm ( which by is a REALLY long day for a baby/toddler
And a long day for you not to see them) meant one of us had to leave work at 4.30.
Then there were the times baby was ill, or threw up at nursery ( that’s 48hours before you can bring baby back in).
And the times nursery shut for Xmas and Easter etc.
Depends on your workplace I suppose but we both ended up doing 4 day weeks because if the cost of nursery, the hassle and missing seeing baby.

The type of marriage/relationship you are describing is not normal or healthy, leaning abusive even.

I think the reasoning here is a little skewed, but can respect your decision if marriage isn’t for you.

It won’t be easier/more relaxing, though, and I hope you realise this before it happens and reality hits you in the face!
It’ll be a lot harder - and no you won’t sleep more, it’ll be your sole responsibility to get up in the night with no one to tag team with. Any decent partner would be helping you with those things (and not pestering you for sex).

For reference, I had my first baby this year, I am not married but I have been in a relationship with my partner for 7 years. We both agreed on a new surname and changed both our names so we could have a family name the same as our child.

RE marriage, I find some of your reasons interesting and I agree with some. I was never bothered about marriage and certainly wouldn't want a big showy wedding, the thought makes me cringe (I hate being the centre of attention). But I actually would like to get married because I love my partner and feel like I want us to be legally bound and I want us to have a small ceremony to commemorate our love. I'm not even bothered about other people being there, as long as we are and our daughter.

If you want to have a baby on your own, I personally think there's nothing wrong with that. I was raised by my mother and have never met my father, my mother has always been there for me. There was never a time where I felt like I couldn't tell her something, even if I knew she would disapprove. I think from a child's perspective, it's nice to have two parents, more love is always better surely? But I also think, better to have one parents who is there for you through all of it and have an absent father, than a father who hurts you by being present but crap.

Of course I only have my own experience.

From a mother's perspective, it's so hard doing every bit alone. When you're absolutely wiped out, it nice to share the load with someone else. It's nice to enjoy your child with someone else. Because ive breastfed ive done a lot on my own, but my partner has helped in other ways. Making dinner and bringing me endless water bottles and cups of tea. He has been there for me to vent my frustration during this huge transition of becoming a mother. He was a huge support when we had to go into hospital with my daughter. I am a very strong willed person, but there have been times where I don't know how I'd have managed without him and I have enormous respect for my mother and other single parents who have managed without a second parent.

But saying that... better to do it alone then have one of those selfish useless men who I do hear about!!

Oh, and don’t underestimate the cost of bringing up a child. Owning your own house is a good start. I found the maternity leave year absolutely fine financially. Between breastfeeding (so no food costs), receiving lots of new baby gifts that almost clothed DD for the first year, plus my parents buying the pram, my baby didn’t cost much to run at all.

It’s once I needed childcare, school uniforms, birthday presents to take to parties, special foods because of allergies etc. that the real cost of having a child started to kick in and this is before we get to the stage of a school trips costing £500

You'd definitely not get more sleep as a single parent. What about when you're ill, you'd need to get someone external to look after the baby and help you. You'd find it harder to make dinner, have a shower, do anything without someone else there to take the baby. I don't know why anyone would choose this. That's without even thinking of the impact on the child of only having one parent, one set of grandparents etc. I know this happens but no idea why you'd choose this for your child.

My reasons:

• I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income. So am I. I married for love, and am still married 40 years later
• I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later). So do I
• I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year. OK

My other, more emotional reasons for not wanting marriage:

• it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion) Not these days. Marriage is what you make of it. IMO you are massively overthinking this
• I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name You don’t have to
• I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name See above
• I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that Who says you have to spend this much?
• I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity That doesn't have to happen. It hasn't happened to me

I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children. Honestly, I’d be quite prepared to become a single mother by choice as I feel it’d almost be easier as You sound like you hate men

• I could parent the way that I want I can do that because DH and I share the same values
• I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues ha ha ha ha
• I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills fair enough, but not all relationships go tits up
• I get to make parenting decisions by myself OK, you do you

Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things Doesn’t this only happen in dysfunctional relationships? If you share the same values this isn’t a problem

I don’t have kids of my own (yet) but I’ve been yearning for my own family (children only) since I was sixteen - I even have the names picked out!. Strangely I’ve always been turned off by marriage since I was a child (even though my parents are married). It’s only recently I’ve decided it’s something I definitely do not want. OK

AIBU for dreaming about having children on my own? YANBU to want children. YABU for tarring all men with the same brush

Your weird view of all men as being sex pests is rather disturbing, and it sounds like you have had some really dysfunctional and negative relationships and have grown up in a very patriarchal background. Is there a cultural issue here?

Do you not feel that a child has any right to know it's father? There's an awful lot of space between being trapped in an abusive marriage and being a single parent by choice.

I'd look into the cost of childcare if I were you. I'm a high earner but no idea how I'd cope on just my income with no partner. Plus I don't think we should invalidate the hugely important role of father's.

@Eversograteful

It would also be nice to have a baby without someone pestering me for sex afterwards and making me feel guilty when I’m not ready for it.

Or generally being married and forced to complete sexual acts that I don’t want to. Basically, I just view marriage as something that takes away my liberty and forces me into being someone I don’t want to be and doing things that I don’t want to do to make other people happy - but not myself.

yeah thats not how marriage works in the main you know

I always think the best thing about having a husband, who is a good person obviously, is that he is there if I die. Very few single ms talk about this aspect as it's a horrific thought but having lost my aunt at 40 and someone I know just being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, I'm do glad they both had/have husbands.

Your view of marriage is perfectly reasonable; it’s not for everyone and you don’t have to do it. Some of the stuff you’ve stated can actually be addressed though - you don’t have to be Mrs (I’m not), you don’t have to change your name (I didn’t), it doesn’t have to be a massive cringeworthy event. Take your point about it being generally patriarchal though.

On the kids point, also not unreasonable. I know two professional women in their 30s who had children independently and are very happy. I would go into it with your eyes open though, it’s really fucking hard, harder than I ever imagined, to have a kid, even with two of you. I’d want to ensure I had a good support network of family and friends before considering next steps.

And I know it’s a problem in some marriages but with a one year old kid there’s very little pestering for sex It’s more like pestering for a lie in.

@Eversograteful

It would also be nice to have a baby without someone pestering me for sex afterwards and making me feel guilty when I’m not ready for it.

Or generally being married and forced to complete sexual acts that I don’t want to. Basically, I just view marriage as something that takes away my liberty and forces me into being someone I don’t want to be and doing things that I don’t want to do to make other people happy - but not myself.

You seem to have some weird ideas about marriage. My husband has never once pressured me into having sex, pre baby or post baby. We are a team and I'd be lost without him. I also have not lost my identity and do not provide for him financially. I applaud single mothers but I would never be one by choice.

Have you ever actually had a proper, decent, functional relationship?

I can’t work out if you’ve just met arseholes, or whether you’ve not actually had a serious relationship and are basing what you believe on negative posts on Mumsnet.

You’ve got rose tinted glasses on when it comes to motherhood, and shit tinted glasses when it comes to marriage.

A neighbour went down the sperm donor route for her daughter & deliberately became a single mother. Her ageing parents have practically moved in with her for the last 2 years because she has found having a child on her own so difficult.

I think there is an odd disconnect between what you think you can control and the things you actually have control over. It's fine if you want to have a baby on your own, but your reasons are not at all convincing and look like someone with bad relationships behind them rather than a positive single mindset.

For example, you do get to control:

• who you marry, vetting out sex pests and relationship problems
• what kind of wedding you have
• whether you change your name

You don't get to control:
-how well your baby sleeps

It is actually nice having someone to discuss parenting decision with and you don't necessarily lose every argument. It sounds like you would rather parent alone than try to establish boundaries in a relationship, which is quite sad. Single parents can find some pros and some cons, of course, but you are being very selective with what evidence you are collecting.

Our lovely, single parent ( by choice, clock ticking and no man on the scene) came down with Novo - we ended up taking her 4 year old for 2 days.
Do you have friends or support like that? Because that’s what you need.
We have a huge friend network to help with kids stuff and without I don’t know what we would do. It also means you have to help others though - have the the time/space for that or are you expecting people to do drop offs/pick ups from school and clubs and parties etc without any reciprocal help from you?

OP I would perhaps think about how your child will feel growing up with out a father.

I raised my dd1 for 14 years with out her dad around, I had loving family for her, she was spoilt for people who loved and cared for her - but she still did ask why her dad didn't see her, come to school plays as she seen her friends with their dads.

My niece is seeing it with her ds who is now four. His dad as never even seen him. He is starting to ask where his daddy is.

So whilst I agree, your reasons for not wanting to have a husband are totally up to you, you do need to consider how your child will feel when they realise they haven't got a dad like every one else.

You can have a family and be with a partner without any marriage involved. Your opinions on marriage are fine but you can be with someone without marriage! I am as are many of my friends and most of my married friends have not taken their husbands surname. It's a very individual choice.

However as someone without kids I think you are very naive to think that single parenting is easier than parenting in a partnership. For some people with one child that might well be true. No compromise with anyone about parenting styles etc. No relationship to think of. However with the right person in a strong relationship it is absolutely easier to have a family with 2 at the helm! Children are incredibly hard work, very rewarding and wonderful, yes, but hard work. And you have no idea what temperament your child may have, if they will be more challenging than you are imagining. My first born was a breeze my 2nd... well oh my! Had he been my first I would have had no more. I could not parent him WELL, as a single parent.

I think keep your options open to actually meet someone who you my want to have a family with. Ultimately if that does not happen yes you could go another route to have a child alone, but open your eyes and be far more prepared that it will be hard work and highly unlikely to make things easier as you think it will.

I'm now a single parent. My income has halved since becoming a single parent. My lifestyle fell apart and I needed to leave my home city when childcare payments came to £3000 a month. One child has significant impairments and there were several years where I needed to have a career break. It has been really tough going and my self care has been impacted. I was pretty carefree and financially secure when I originally had a baby!

You have some very extreme/misinformed ideas of marriage and also unrealistic expectations of having children... Rested and relaxed made me LOL.