To want to become a single mother by choice?

[Eversograteful]

I have made up my mind that I 100% do not want to get married. Ever. Even after kids.

My reasons:

• I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.
• I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).
• I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.

My other, more emotional reasons for not wanting marriage:

• it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion)
• I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name
• I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name
• I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that
• I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity

I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children. Honestly, I’d be quite prepared to become a single mother by choice as I feel it’d almost be easier as

• I could parent the way that I want
• I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues
• I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills
• I get to make parenting decisions by myself

Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things

I don’t have kids of my own (yet) but I’ve been yearning for my own family (children only) since I was sixteen - I even have the names picked out!. Strangely I’ve always been turned off by marriage since I was a child (even though my parents are married). It’s only recently I’ve decided it’s something I definitely do not want.

AIBU for dreaming about having children on my own?

I was a single parent, it was fucking hard, you're being very naive.

Being a parent second time around with DH is fantastic.

Also, people tend to get married because they fall in love... DH is an awesome man.

As for the sex part, no. DH is not pushy or arrogant, he would never pester for sex. That in turn makes him more attractive!

I think you've had your own bad experiences with men (haven't we all!) but there are good ones out there.

You've been reading too much Mumsnet.
It's funny really to read what you've gleaned from various threads.

Don't forget it's not just about the baby stage. Teen years are brutal beyond belief as a single parent

“ I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues”
😂😂😂

Most women have DC without being single or married.

Most are cohabitees which is the worst of both worlds.

I also wanted to be a single mum when I was younger ( was very independent then later was abused in a relationship which put me off).

I'd say go for it but from experience I massively underestimated:

• sex discrimination in employment
• because of above being unemployed and it being very hard to do job apps with a baby
• no childcare to do ANYTHING other than work
• the cost of childcare
• childcare limiting jobs to only 9-5 therefore cutting off the prospect of many careers
• the stigma from family/ friends/ professionals for being a single mum
• being called Mrs your name
• DC only having 2 GPs and fewer aunts/ uncles/ cousins
• Xmas is small
• what to do when you are ill
• lonely weekends when families are doing family things
• lack of adult conversation at home
• holidays abroad as a single parent is different- no one to watch stuff when you go in the pool, odd looks from strangers, can't drink, need to be hyper vigilant

But there are positives too.

I don't know which I'd choose if I could do it again.

It makes me laugh that so many posters are jumping on to say “my DH is wonderful, you just haven’t met the right man” when Mumsnet is littered with tales of DHs doing all the rubbish things that OP cites.

I think that OP's probably been reading many of the MN posts like this. Do you not realise, OP, that they're not the norm, they come in here because of problems they want help with. The people who are happy in their marriages don't start posts about being happy.

You sound like a child OP - and not in a good way. ‘Boys bad’, and ‘I’ll be able to relax when baby sleeping’.
All well and good people having kids on their own due to age, or after an abusive marriage but you sound very theoretical.

Also having kids in your own is HARD unless you have very strong family support. What if you get PND for example? What about the emotional toll of sleepless nights? Having family nearby who are mildly interested won’t cut it and you can’t just rely on on nursery/crèche - what happens when they get sick for example is your employer flexible?

I agree with your reasons for not getting married. I think getting married really only suits someone earning substantially less.

However, deliberately having a child as a single parent, as opposed to life throwing you a curve ball and you ending up as a single parent? I'm less sure about that.

You can be unmarried and still co-parent with someone. Children are hard work - being able to share some of that with someone else strikes me as the ideal outcome.

You're underestimating how hard parenting is.

Marriage is a load of shit. BUT there are financial benefits for your family, like reducing tax/inheritance tax should you want to pass anything to a partner. I disagree with many things about marriage- i think you should be able to enter the same legal agreement and get the same benefits with anyone you choose (elderly siblings house sharing comes to mind). We married soley for legal benefits. No dress, no event, no rings, no mrs, no name change. We did it years ago and didnt tell anybody because its a legal and financial agreement and we didnt feel the need to celebrate a financial decision. So you can do it and still fuck the patriarchy.

Objectively, you sound like youve been burned and expect a relationship to be shit. My partner and i didnt have sex for well over a year after having our baby because we were both too knackered. It wasnt a problem at all.

No man is better than a shit man but great relationships DO exist.

You value your independence. You dont have to have kids. You can choose not to if it doesnt fit your life.

Also OP if you have a son will you drill it into him that he’s a sex pest too?

Why would you knowingly deprive your child/ren of a father and besides, how would you ensure the father would relinquish parenting to you and want nothing to do with his offspring, unless you are planning on using a sperm donor.

I can see why people would end up single parents not through their own choice but to deprive your children of a father seems very selfish to me.

It seems your main issue is with relationships - I would do some research into how to avoid the shitty abusive type of man you are describing

I was a lone parent from the start, its really really hard, I really struggled to cope in the first six months and only really started to find my feet as a parent after a year, and my son was just shy of 18 months when he came home, so I had more sleep etc than I would have done with a younger baby.

Six months off work doesn’t seem very realistic, as depending on when you have the baby this could mean the baby is only 4.5 months old. I had 15 months off and then returned to work part time, if you’re on you’re own working fulltime is really hard, fulltime nursery etc just wouldn’t have been an option for my son, so even if I had wanted to work fulltime it wouldn’t have been possible. So what is your plan if your child cannot attend childcare on a fulltime basis?

There are practical things as well, after a few weeks I had to have my appendix out, so he had to be cared for by a friend he had only met 2/3 times. It was shit for me being apart from him, but it was obviously worse for him being left with essentially a stranger.

Illness is hard, I have my yearly annual leave but I also take my yearly entitlement to unpaid parental leave and I only work four days a week, but I still have to either buy into holiday schemes or asks for favours from friends.

Being a parent is expensive, it costs me about £23k a year in lost earnings as I work four short days a week, so that also reduces my pension. Thats before childcare, clothes, shoes etc.

Being ill as a lone parent is shit, having an ill child as a lone parent is fairly shit.

Theres also the fact that you don’t have anyone to share the joyful moments with, when my son achieves something no one else feels how I do about that, so I don’t really get to share that experience with anyone, as it just isn’t the same for people who aren’t parents.

I’m now married, marriage hasn’t changed me at all, I haven’t changed my name, I haven’t ever been pestered for sex, I certainly didn’t spend £20k to get married. I can however relax a bit, if I end up out of work for any reason there is still a wage coming in, if I forget to take the bins out I don’t have to wake my son up to take them out with me, the mountain of washing is done by two people, if I’m ill he can watch my son for me (if hes at home).

Being a parent changed me completely, it also costs me more than your desired wedding every single year.

TBH DH is a great father figure to DD, and he is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I haven't had most of the problems you have listed will occur if you end up married!

However, yes parenting can be easier singularly than as part of a couple. It certainly was easier to parent DD for the first few years alone, than it was to parent with her useless father, however there are many times throughout the years I've counted myself lucky to have DH at my side, sharing the parenting responsibilities.
Many of the situations I've really needed help with have occurred from mixing work with parenthood. Long houred jobs where you have a lot of responsibilities feel impossible to juggle at times with children (even as part of a couple) so maybe plan to get your career to the point where you can be flexible and have good support at work to wfh if you need to. One thing that's a constant worry is that kids get sick, and when they're not allowed at nursery/school you need an alternative which is obviously worse as a single parent.

Also, if you're hoping for a decent rested time to heal after you have a baby, look into a doula for after the birth, they give tins of practical support in the early days.

Wow, bitter much? Anyways, I don't think nice men pester for sex after a baby, what an odd idea that this is a given. But good luck with it, whatever floats your boat and all that. Hope you feel better for getting it down

I just married my OH last week! He is my best mate can't imagine not being with him forever! Your idea of marriage is wrong.

@Eversograteful

It would also be nice to have a baby without someone pestering me for sex afterwards and making me feel guilty when I’m not ready for it.

Or generally being married and forced to complete sexual acts that I don’t want to. Basically, I just view marriage as something that takes away my liberty and forces me into being someone I don’t want to be and doing things that I don’t want to do to make other people happy - but not myself.

You seem to have a rather 1oth century view of marriage. What you are describing is rape and that's illegal even between husband and wife.

Really though single mums have a tough time. They have to get up for school runs no matter how rubbish they feel. Most give up hobbies and drop earning potential.. for example they are the ones who have to juggle school holidays and take days off when child can't go to school.. there's no option or respite unless you've access to emergency childcare.

Sleep and babies do not mix well. DP used to work awY Monday to Thursday When DS was a baby I'd get very poor sleep, get up do school run for DD and nursery drop off ( on bis so took ages) go to work, do pick ups, juggle sick children and random teacher training days. Monday and Friday mornings DP would do the school run and I'd go back to bed for an extra hour. You'd not get those breaks.. it would be 24/7/365 or lots spent on child care.

Also unless he's an abusive bastard kids deserve to have a dad. Its not just about you, sleep and sex

19th century.. 10th century would be pushing it!!

Can I ask op, are you currently surrounded by friends who are getting married / having babies ?
You sound a lot like an old friend of mine who 'hated' marriage , would 'never do xyz' when it came to having kids , would be happy 'alone' . Truth was , she was desperately unhappy she hadn't found the right person and had a family yet and this was her defence. She became very bitter and spouted the same views on marriage as you.
I'm married and I don't agree with any of the points you've said. As other posters have said, they're traits of old traditions and abusive relationships .

I do get some of your reasons OP! But support is crucial when you have a baby/child.
I have several friends who have been widowed young and they couldn't cope without very significant input from grandparents, who in both cases luckily live nearby.
I sometimes think a commune of women living together with children would be ideal - though I'm sure that wouldn't be without its issues too!

I could have written your post almost word for word OP.

I think while some of your suggestions about what marriage is like are overly negative what posters are missing is that you are correct in that marriage and a partnership are only really necessary if you don't earn enough to support yourself. If you do, marriage or a relationship are really an unwelcome distraction which will drain your money and autonomy.

I'm a happily single mother to a 10 year old DD (I was married but my marriage broke down). I wouldn't have deliberately chosen it at the time but now I regard it as one f the best things that's ever happened to me.

Parenting without meddling or involvement and with total control is absolutely joyful and I would never want to change that. Knowing that what's yours is yours, that noone will try to influence how you spend your money or time and that you won't have your life compromised by someone else's needs. Its wonderful.

I would say that you may be underestimating how difficult it will be with a newborn. I don't think anyone can really understand how bad the sleep deprivation can be in the very early years until they've experienced it. But you can always hire someone to help with this. Just be aware that you may need more help than you think you do.

I would say go for it. Single motherhood can be tough but overall its one of life's best kept secrets.

I’m a single mum by choice - ivf with sperm donor. I have had 3 children that way and am the happiest I’ve ever been and feel it has made me a better mother, though my only comparison is the failed relationships I’ve had. I would do this 100 times over rather than have had children with any of my exes and have to coparent.

My oldest is a well adjusted and happy child with healthy male role models

It’s hard but I think it would also be hard raising kids with someone

Best decision I ever made

Truth was , she was desperately unhappy she hadn't found the right person and had a family yet and this was her defence. She became very bitter and spouted the same views on marriage as you.

I thought the exact same thing. When you can't have something, you project bitterly which is how I read it.

Yanbu for wanting to have cchildren as a single parent at all. It’s a perfectly reasonable choice. You could also choose to co parent with a good friend rather than a partner if it works for you both.

You can decide this for any reason you want.

I don’t think your “emotional” reasons necessarily ring true though. I think you’re imagining an abusive/ shitty partner rather than even a baseline decent man in a lot of it. A decent person doesn’t pester someone for sec just after giving birth, for instance.

Your desire for financial and general independence is perfectly reasonable though I think!

Ps I’m a happily single mum after leaving a shitty relationship. I could do with more money is the main downside for me!

what posters are missing is that you are correct in that marriage and a partnership are only really necessary if you don't earn enough to support yourself. If you do, marriage or a relationship are really an unwelcome distraction which will drain your money and autonomy.

What a sad notion . My long and happy marriage is way more than a financial arrangement; and I always earned plenty enough on my own to fund myself and a family had I wanted.

Tell me you've never had a baby, without telling me you've never had a baby.....

I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage

It can be fine to be a single mother by choice, but please don't do it for the wrong reasons--like, believing that it's going to make motherhood easier (it most likely won't).