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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to become a single mother by choice?

531 replies

Eversograteful · 14/12/2021 02:49

I have made up my mind that I 100% do not want to get married. Ever. Even after kids.

My reasons:

  • I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.
  • I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).
  • I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.

My other, more emotional reasons for not wanting marriage:

  • it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion)
  • I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name
  • I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name
  • I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that
  • I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity

I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children. Honestly, I’d be quite prepared to become a single mother by choice as I feel it’d almost be easier as

  • I could parent the way that I want
  • I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues
  • I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills
  • I get to make parenting decisions by myself
Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things

I don’t have kids of my own (yet) but I’ve been yearning for my own family (children only) since I was sixteen - I even have the names picked out!. Strangely I’ve always been turned off by marriage since I was a child (even though my parents are married). It’s only recently I’ve decided it’s something I definitely do not want.

AIBU for dreaming about having children on my own?

OP posts:
NdujaWannaDance · 14/12/2021 16:53

sorry doner? Abusive cubes?

AmIgoinghomeforXmas · 14/12/2021 16:54

I’m happy to do things for my (future) kids, I just don’t want to compromise for an adult

OP you have got to be pretty young not to realize that compromising with another adult is a walk in park compared to doing this with a kid.

It isn't just about doing things for them, it is a complete relationship you have with them. All of the messy give and take you are so desperate to avoid with an adult, just with the additional complications of having to do it with a small vulnerable tyrant that you are responsible for.

Tal45 · 14/12/2021 16:56

Are you NT OP? Just wondering because you seem quite black and white, seem to imply that relationships are not for you and that you struggle/don't want to work and compromise with someone else and seem to find it difficult to see things from other points of view. You also don't seem to have mentioned love anywhere. That's why people get married and have children. Have you even considered the child in this? How they might feel not having a father? And dirty nappies might be 'fun' and a novelty for a weekend - but try 3 years and see how much fun you're having then. Try working all day and then being up every few hours all night with your teething child. It's not a fun game OP it's a child's life.

Closetbeanmuncher · 14/12/2021 16:59

Ignore the presumptuous character assassinations from the smug marrieds....

I feel the same about marriage in that I just dont have a requirement for it. I would never give another person privy to my assets that (God willing) will go to my DC when I croak it.

Even in this day and age I do think alot of women feel like it's some sort of achievement to get married and a personal failure if you don't.

You do you!!

Stompythedinosaur · 14/12/2021 16:59

Also re compromise - your dc will have their own opinions and you will need to be able to compromise with them from an early age.

Fidgetty · 14/12/2021 17:02

Surely most men are pretty decent? Yes a minority aren’t but that’s not the default that I see around me anyway.

Yes most around me are "pretty decent" too, but a grand total of zero are as effective as their wives/partners when it comes to parenting. In fact I'm wrong, there is one I know who is - his wife is dead.

firstimemamma · 14/12/2021 17:05

This thread gets more worrying as it goes on op. I was surrounded by babies from
age 10 and babysat loads from when I was a bit older. I can assure you it in no way gives you even the vaguest insight into what motherhood is like - you truly have no idea of the challenges it brings, physical and mental.

I love my 3 year old more than anything in the whole world and truly adore being his mother but there have definitely been some challenges. My husband is an invaluable support to me and my team-mate. He finds the idea of pressuring anyone into sex as horrifying as ant normal person and puts my happiness above his.

By all means do it alone but if you think it's the 'relaxed and well rested' experience you painted in your original post you are in for an enormous shock. And your views on marriage and adult relationships are disturbing.

glittereyelash · 14/12/2021 17:17

I wouldn't choose to be a single parent simply because it's so bloody hard even with a supportive partner. You can plan as much as you want how it's going to be but life will have its own ideas. You have no idea what kind of birth you will have or what needs your child will have. As for marriage it isn't for everyone but you don't suddenly lose your identity just because you marry someone. There is compromise on both sides and it takes work but with the right person it's worth it!

RampantIvy · 14/12/2021 17:24

I’d be happy for you (or someone else in this thread) to explain to me what a healthy relationship looks like because from where I’m standing it just looks like endless compromise and sacrifice. Then when you add babies and young kids in to the mix, seems like hassle

You posted on here to get opinions and don’t like what people have said.
A healthy relationship isn’t endless compromise and hassle. It strikes me that you have never enjoyed a healthy relationship.

I’m happy to do things for my (future) kids, I just don’t want to compromise for an adult

The more you post the more you come across as a very self-centred and rather controlling person because life is all about give and take, and you don’t want to give. Life is all about compromise – friendships, work, family. Don’t you ever have to meet half way on some issues, or does everyone e have to bend to your will? Like @Tal45 I also wondered if you are NT because your views are very rigid.

As most posters have pointed out having children is an endless round of compromise and sacrifice and they are very much a hassle. Doing the odd bit of babysitting simply does not prepare you for endless nights of broken sleep, the relentless feeling of being at the beck and call of a tiny baby, having to drop everything to collect a sick child from nursery or school, the running them to after school activities/sport/parties etc.

Ignore the presumptuous character assassinations from the smug marrieds

I tend to find that generally bitter people make comments like this. It is entirely possible that there are people who are happily married or in happy functional relationships @Closetbeanmuncher.

Diditreallylookawful · 14/12/2021 17:37

I quite literally don't recognise anything that you say in relation to my own 30 year marriage. DH is my other half, we are a team. When DC was small I literally couldn't have managed without him - no SEN or other issues, just a chronic lack of sleep and a prem baby. He has NEVER ever bullied me into sex. The idea is actually laughable. And yes, I am my own person, not an extension of my DH (I read that comment out to him and he laughed out loud at it).

I know of many very happy marriages (and yes, they really are happy; no hidden agenda etc). I feel very sorry for you that you've got such a jaded and outdated view of marriage.

NdujaWannaDance · 14/12/2021 17:41

Same here Did

30 years for me too.

Suzanne999 · 14/12/2021 17:44

“I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues “

This might be a tad over optimistic. Sleep, rested and relaxed don’t normally go with a young baby.
But apart from that you sound as if you’ve got things well planned, you’re able to work no provide for a child/children.
Children do get sick though and a plan to cover child care for a poorly child will be needed.
And also who would have care of the children should you die ( maybe your sibling, or parents, or close friend or another relative)

MabelsApron · 14/12/2021 17:44

Another non smug married here (childless, single and gay!) who is nonetheless concerned about what the OP is talking about…

hettie · 14/12/2021 17:50

I’m happy to do things for my (future) kids, I just don’t want to compromise for an adult
Thing is op, children very quickly develop a level of autonomy ... You'll find you make huge compromises as a parent far far more than in any relationship. You'll need to think about it always being you (as the single parent) who has to compromise.... Every time....

Closetbeanmuncher · 14/12/2021 18:05

I tend to find that generally bitter people make comments like this. It is entirely possible that there are people who are happily married or in happy functional relationships @Closetbeanmuncher**

Stay tripping rampant I'm about as bitter as a candy cane 😂🍭

Teacaketotty · 14/12/2021 18:07

Surely having a great partner (married or not!) and giving your children a great father is partly the point? Why is the fathers role so easily dismissed?

Closetbeanmuncher · 14/12/2021 18:10

One thing I want you to know though OP is you're going to be fucking knackered regardless of whether you're married or single 😂

simonisnotme · 14/12/2021 18:13

so go and do it
you dont have to justify to anyone
dont moan when/if it goes tits up

NdujaWannaDance · 14/12/2021 18:15

so go and do it
you dont have to justify to anyone
dont moan when/if it goes tits up

And don't whinge and wring your hands and protest all innocence when your child is hurting because they don't have a father in their lives and have no idea who/where he is.

kokokokokokokokoko · 14/12/2021 18:16

being a single parent through the baby and pre-school years is gruelling and soul destroying when you don't have support. So if you're considering this be sure to have family nearby who can look after you and baby and give you a break.

Mumoblue · 14/12/2021 18:21

Being a single parent is hard, but I think some posters are overreacting here.
I can’t even say if I’d choose to be a single mum because I literally don’t know any other way. My son was 7 months old when I split with my ex and the ex in question was always a fucking chocolate teapot so I’ve being doing it alone pretty much from day one.

If you have a lot of money and good support then you can go into it with your eyes open, but it’s a struggle.

simonisnotme · 14/12/2021 18:29

exactly ^^wannadance

Annabellerina · 14/12/2021 18:51

Hmm. I can see both sides. I'm a single mum and I LOVE it, but that's in comparison to being married to the millstone that was my ex. I was effectively a single parent from the beginning anyway so it felt an utter relief to actually be alone.
However, I wouldn't have knowingly done it out of choice. Parenting is a hard relentless slog and how I wish I had made a better choice of partner so I didn't have to do it alone.
Have you ever had a decent partner? I haven't.

kiwijuice · 14/12/2021 18:55

100% it's better to have more than one parent. If you pick the right partner you get more childcare, more help, more financial support regardless of your own finances, more security for the dc, what happens if you die?
You can go it alone but I don't think many people would advise this unless you've literally run out of all other options. The marriage thing is a separate issue. No one has to get married, if you're poorer than your dh or you end up porter because you want to spend more time with your dc etc you still have access to 50% of assets and even more if you stay married for a long time so that can be weighed up separately to should I be a single parent through choice.

WhatToDo1988 · 14/12/2021 19:27

You sound too self-centered to have children tbh. What if you end up with an unruly teenager who is failing at school and doesn't want to do what you tell him? You have a very specific and perfect vision of children in your head and a terrible one of men. You need counselling.

Posts on MN/TV/ social media will inherently be negative. Women don't ask for help when things are fine. Even in real life, women don't go on and on about how amazing their husband is, they'll only really talk about it if they're a bit shit.