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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to become a single mother by choice?

531 replies

Eversograteful · 14/12/2021 02:49

I have made up my mind that I 100% do not want to get married. Ever. Even after kids.

My reasons:

  • I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.
  • I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).
  • I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.

My other, more emotional reasons for not wanting marriage:

  • it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion)
  • I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name
  • I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name
  • I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that
  • I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity

I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children. Honestly, I’d be quite prepared to become a single mother by choice as I feel it’d almost be easier as

  • I could parent the way that I want
  • I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues
  • I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills
  • I get to make parenting decisions by myself
Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things

I don’t have kids of my own (yet) but I’ve been yearning for my own family (children only) since I was sixteen - I even have the names picked out!. Strangely I’ve always been turned off by marriage since I was a child (even though my parents are married). It’s only recently I’ve decided it’s something I definitely do not want.

AIBU for dreaming about having children on my own?

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 14/12/2021 15:02

@AmIgoinghomeforXmas

from where I’m standing it just looks like endless compromise and sacrifice.

This is exactly what having children is, with or without a partner, married or not.

I would stop focusing on a partner and start thinking a little more about why you want children? What you think they are going to add to your life ?

This ^^ Both my teenagers had tough weeks last week, for example, and my elderly Dad wasn't doing well. I barely got any work done (luckily I'm self-employed so have control over my schedule), because I was rushing around after them and spending literally hours listening to them offload to me - which included criticizing me as well (because Mums are responsible for the woes of the world, in the eyes of teenagers Grin).

And we're generally a loving family that gets on pretty well, my children don't have any major problems, just normal teenager angst, homework and activities. You, the parent, have to want to make the sacrifices, they're not really there to add to your life, you're there to add to theirs, IMO

GrannytoaUnicorn · 14/12/2021 15:02

Oh and whilst my DC's Dad was abusive towards me, he certainly never forced or even pestered me for sex after having DD! Or ever for that matter and believe me, he WAS an arsehole!!!!

Archie88 · 14/12/2021 15:06

Lots of interesting views on this topic - but I can say that speaking from experience - you are pretty much spot on with most of your points! I have been married before, and divorced, and I am now a single parent. And trust me the stress of having a partner that doesn't help out, causes you unnecessary grief and hassle means that almost 9 times out of 10 you are better off alone. It means you can be a better person, and a better parent - in my opinion. However, I must add that I don't ever feel alone - I have such a good family and friend network around me, and my baby does still see her Father and that side of the family. If you are lucky enough to be in a similar position, then yes your life will be easier, however if you are completely going it alone - there will be tough and stressful times ahead.

Interesting seeing people's views though that have no experience in the matter :)

PferdeMerde · 14/12/2021 15:07

Motherhood is an endless compromise and sacrifice. Having a baby means having your identity deleted. You are being naive and immature and definitely not ready for children. You haven’t said anything about what is best for the future child. It’s all been about what YOU want.

RobinPenguins · 14/12/2021 15:08

Interesting seeing people's views though that have no experience in the matter

People who have experience of being in good marriages or relationships have something to add. You don’t have experience of parenting in a good relationship, I don’t have experience of parenting in a shit one.

Cameleongirl · 14/12/2021 15:09

@Archie88. Many people have close friends or family who are single parents, though, whether through deliberate choice or a relationship breaking down. I have several!

Keke94LND · 14/12/2021 15:19
  1. You can have a baby without getting married
  2. You can get married and not have an expensive wedding or any wedding at all
  3. You can get married and keep your last name and not be a mrs
  4. You don't seem to be thinking about the babies feelings at all?
U8976532 · 14/12/2021 15:30

And trust me the stress of having a partner that doesn't help out, causes you unnecessary grief and hassle means that almost 9 times out of 10 you are better off alone.

And trust me, as someone in a happy, successful marriage, parenting with a partner brings a lot of support and joy, and as someone who has often had to do aspects alone due to having a husband who deploys for months, I can assure it is immeasurably better when he is present than when I am on my own. I'm genuinely sorry you've not been able to experience that.

BarkminsterBlue · 14/12/2021 15:30

Are you very young, OP? You sound like a teenager.

You have some pretty warped ideas about what relationships are like. You need to do some work on this before you have children, regardless of your arrangements when you do.

Parenthood is "endless compromise and sacrifice".

rowenaravenclawthesecond · 14/12/2021 15:33

Parenthood is "endless compromise and sacrifice".

THIS!

Hillarious · 14/12/2021 15:33

@Icebreaker99

Basically, I just view marriage as something that takes away my liberty and forces me into being someone I don’t want to be and doing things that I don’t want to do to make other people happy - but not myself.

Swap "marriage" for "motherhood" and that would be far more accurate!

This says it all. The OP's post is quite naive in its outlook, but good luck to her.
coconuthead · 14/12/2021 15:35

Being a single parent is eternally preferable to being in a relationship with a crap/lazy/abusive/immature partner. But trust me when I say it is bloody hard parenting alone.

Taking care of a sick child when you yourself are sick is horrendous. It's lonely and it's hard especially if you also have to work. My child is five now and she is constantly questioning why, and saying no to things, she has worked out how to push my buttons and trust me after a long day at work when your child is refusing to go to bed etc the last thing you want is to be trying to manage a tantrum, be the better person/adult, set an example.

I have a fab partner now and we share some of the parenting load and I promise you it is 10000000% easier with another adult there to back you up, help discipline or explain stuff or just take over when I'm exhausted or ill.

MsTSwift · 14/12/2021 15:45

Surely most men are pretty decent? Yes a minority aren’t but that’s not the default that I see around me anyway.

EmmaJR1 · 14/12/2021 16:12

Any relationship requires compromise and sacrifice but none as much as becoming a parent.

It's the biggest life shift and the most difficult relationship you will have. There is the potential for you to have to become a totally different person.

It's extremely hard going even with a partner (even one that doesn't pester me for sex because that's not normal) so I'd definitely think long and hard.

Obviously having children is rewarding and magical but it's the hardest thing I've done .

MabelsApron · 14/12/2021 16:15

Agree with others that your dislike of having to do stuff others want to do, or cater to someone else's needs, is a worrying sign.

My mum was like this. She used to grumble that her kids were horrible as babies because they had the audacity to cry and require her to do things. She then used to grumble that her kids were horrible as toddlers because they had emotional difficulties understanding the world. She then used to grumble that her kids were horrible children because they wouldn't immediately do whatever she said or go wherever she wanted. She then used to grumble that her kids were horrible teenagers because they were going through puberty and had the audacity to be struggling with adjusting to an adult world. She then used to grumble that her kids were horrible 20-something year old children because they were struggling to find their way in the world and leave home.

She thinks her adult children are great, now that we've all moved out, got good jobs, and can be easily manipulated into falling in line with her.

We no longer speak.

I'm not saying that you're like this, but maybe have a good long think about whether or not you're cut out for this, because if not, it's misery for everyone.

NdujaWannaDance · 14/12/2021 16:21

I’d be happy for you (or someone else in this thread) to explain to me what a healthy relationship looks like because from where I’m standing it just looks like endless compromise and sacrifice.

'What do you think motherhood is?'

Well quite. having a child is to give yourself up wholeheartedly to the most unblalanced relationship ever, where you get your own way virtually never. You think husbands can be demanding, controlling and selfish? Try having a child. It's like being ruled by a tiny, narcissistic tyrant.

Original poster
Eversograteful · 14/12/2021 16:26

@MabelsApron

Agree with others that your dislike of having to do stuff others want to do, or cater to someone else's needs, is a worrying sign.

My mum was like this. She used to grumble that her kids were horrible as babies because they had the audacity to cry and require her to do things. She then used to grumble that her kids were horrible as toddlers because they had emotional difficulties understanding the world. She then used to grumble that her kids were horrible children because they wouldn't immediately do whatever she said or go wherever she wanted. She then used to grumble that her kids were horrible teenagers because they were going through puberty and had the audacity to be struggling with adjusting to an adult world. She then used to grumble that her kids were horrible 20-something year old children because they were struggling to find their way in the world and leave home.

She thinks her adult children are great, now that we've all moved out, got good jobs, and can be easily manipulated into falling in line with her.

We no longer speak.

I'm not saying that you're like this, but maybe have a good long think about whether or not you're cut out for this, because if not, it's misery for everyone.

I’m happy to do things for my (future) kids, I just don’t want to compromise for an adult
OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 14/12/2021 16:26

It's like being ruled by a tiny, narcissistic tyrant.

Or a mutinous teenager who towers over you. Grin

Alonelonelyloner · 14/12/2021 16:31

wow. what a lot of bollocks that OP is.

you do you OP, but none of those points stands up to analysis in fact.

All of those reasons are fine, but none are a reason to not get married in the 21st century in Western Europe.

orangeautumnleaves · 14/12/2021 16:32

I’m happy to do things for my (future) kids, I just don’t want to compromise for an adult

So have you ever compromised with a friend? Or have you ever been in a relationship where you loved someone? I am only asking as you sound like me as a late teen/ early 20's something. The idea of compromising with another adult shook me to my core, back then however I was not convinced about having kids either. Things changed for me when I met someone who I loved. Having the other person in my life is worth the compromise required for most adult relationships.

DrSbaitso · 14/12/2021 16:32

I’m happy to do things for my (future) kids, I just don’t want to compromise for an adult

Even one who is happy to compromise with you?

MabelsApron · 14/12/2021 16:40

I find it difficult to believe that you’d be fine compromising with a tiny, loud, irrational, tyrannical ungrateful being but not with an adult with whom you could share love, companionship and trials and tribulations with. Parenting is rewarding I’m sure, but you have to deal with people who aren’t prepared to compromise in return and who you can’t chuck out of your life for making unreasonable demands like you can an adult.

I’m just baffled by this. Have you never had a job? How do you get through life never compromising?!

NdujaWannaDance · 14/12/2021 16:41

I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.

If only 'well educated' always equalled well paid, hundreds of thousands of graduates would be very happy about that. What job do you do and what do you currently earn?

I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).

How far along are you with that? It sounds good, but for all we know you've got 637.50 in your post office saving account.

I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.

Are those the same savings you are planning on using as a house deposit? So again, how far along are you with that?

I'm starting to think that actually, you are young and desperate for a baby and all this talk of rejecting the social construct of marriage is a smoke screen for the fact that you are no different to any other very immature woman who is desperate for a baby and can't be bothered to wait for the cirumstances to be better.

You want to built yourself a defence so that when you get yourself pregnant on purpose in circumstances where any right thinking person would advise you not to, you can argue that it was all part of a life plan that rejects the patriarchy.

Stompythedinosaur · 14/12/2021 16:44

The truth is even the happiest relationship will force you to have to do things you don’t want to do. Some of the time. You don’t always want to have sex when they do - and vice versa, for example. Many married couples put up with things they don’t want just to keep the other person happy.

Of course couple don't always want sex at the same time - bit of a jump to assume that this means couple then are happy to rape or coerce each other into sex. I wonder if you are judging all relationships from a really bad experience? This is not what happens in most relationships, people who love each other don't do this.

I didn't want to have sex for ages after having a baby. I heard precisely zero complaints from my partner about this, because he isn't interested in non-consentual sex. I think this is most people's experience.

I cannot over estimate how hard having a baby can be. Having childcare while you work won't give you a rest. It is hard to imagine how difficult it is to be "on duty" all the time with no reprieve (and probably little sleep). I know single mums who manage heroically, but I do not think it is easy or something most people would choose. Do t go into this with rose tinted glasses on.

Oldtiredfedup · 14/12/2021 16:47

If I had my time over I’d have done it alone with a sorry doner: abusive cubes don’t start off abusive and I’m forever tied to them and it has seriously know ex mind and my children's lives