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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to become a single mother by choice?

531 replies

Eversograteful · 14/12/2021 02:49

I have made up my mind that I 100% do not want to get married. Ever. Even after kids.

My reasons:

  • I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.
  • I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).
  • I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.

My other, more emotional reasons for not wanting marriage:

  • it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion)
  • I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name
  • I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name
  • I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that
  • I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity

I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children. Honestly, I’d be quite prepared to become a single mother by choice as I feel it’d almost be easier as

  • I could parent the way that I want
  • I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues
  • I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills
  • I get to make parenting decisions by myself
Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things

I don’t have kids of my own (yet) but I’ve been yearning for my own family (children only) since I was sixteen - I even have the names picked out!. Strangely I’ve always been turned off by marriage since I was a child (even though my parents are married). It’s only recently I’ve decided it’s something I definitely do not want.

AIBU for dreaming about having children on my own?

OP posts:
Allsortsofroses · 14/12/2021 20:00

could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage

Wtf.

The main reason I got any sleep during baby stage was child's Dad looking after her overnight at weekends (and he did so in early months between 8/9pm and 12/1am on weekdays too so I could try to get some uninterrupted sleep).

SW1amp · 14/12/2021 20:02

Have you thought about having some therapy to explore where your incredibly visceral views on relationships come from.

It feels like you’ve seen and/or experienced some awful things to have come to the opinions you have.

But the thing that jumps out at me is your absolute refusal to make space for any adults’ views in your life.

Yet you expect to get full and unwavering support from your family in bringing up a child.
You expect to have a successful and well-paid career
You presumably expect to have friends?

You can’t honestly expect every parenting decision you make to be the right one, can you?
But you expect your parents and friends to stand by and watch you make bad decisions without commenting or helping, less that forces you to compromise?

And you honestly think you can have a successful career without repeated compromises for colleagues, bosses, clients?

I think therapy would be helpful to help you realise that compromising is not a sign of failure or weakness, and inviting other viewpoints into your life can actually improve and enhance it

It takes a particularly special type of arrogance to assume you always know best, and that arrogance is not remotely compatible with being a good parent

EatCakeBeMerry · 14/12/2021 20:04

May I ask how old you are?

I am confused by your reasoning as last time I checked you didn't need to be married to have a baby or a 20k wedding to be married. Marriage doesn't demand a name change and your identity isn't deleted even if you change name. Your reasoning sounds naive especially the part about being restful if going solo

Feetupteashot · 14/12/2021 20:09

Disagree with your ideas about what marriage is like
Also doing it in your own will be full of compromise!

But hell, go ahead if you can bring a child into a happy healthy homw

katienana · 14/12/2021 22:18

It's fine to have a baby on your own. But it sounds like you don't want to compromise ever and parenting is going to be really tough if you can't do that. Children form their own opinions they don't come out as perfect little people who agree with you!
Also a loving relationship brings a lot to your life, sex is with someone you love is great for example not an obligation! A relationship is a 2 way thing my husband has supported me with lots of decisions I've made and I've done the same for him. We help each other and we've taught each other and I think we're both better people for being together! Ultimately we are a team and we both want our team to win and that includes our children. He can give them things I can't and vice versa.
If I hadn't found dh and was 38 and childless I'd absolutely pursue single parenthood. But I think the reasons you want to do it are wrong and you need to wait a while and see if a bit more life experience changes your view.

LolaSmiles · 14/12/2021 23:49

I’m happy to do things for my (future) kids, I just don’t want to compromise for an adult
Having a life with relationships involves compromise. That's part of healthy family relationships, friend relationships and romantic relationships.

If you're so immature that you don't see why you should compromise then you're not mature enough to be contemplating children.

You say you wouldn't mind doing things for your children, but your overall attitude to interpersonal relationships is very me me me. It makes me wonder whether the only reason you'd be willing to do things for your children is because they offer some form of validation or meet one of your needs, and that the second they stop playing the role you think they should you're going to be irritated at them not playing their role in your screenplay well enough.

2TurtleDovesInARow · 15/12/2021 07:06

I strongly suspect OP is under the age of 17.

Darkpheonix · 15/12/2021 07:18

Op you come across as quite immature.

Even if you have a 9-5 job relying on creche or nursery is incredibly difficult. Child sickness will likey end up with days unpaid.

Christmas is always a difficult time for working parents. Nurseries often have a break, while many are working.

Then they go to school. You won't have enough annual leave for school holidays. Holiday clubs are expensive and book up early.

Of course many single parents make it work, but it's expensive and tiring. Less so if you have a decent Co parent who you are not with.

And babysitting is nor the same as parenting a child. If you think you can cope as a baby sitter so parenting will be fine, you are showing you have no clue.

I have been a single parent. I am not 'well educated' but I have a very well paid job. So, on balance, I had it easier than many. Still not easy.

Your posts show, you don't really understand the enormity of this. You won't entirely until you do it. But your naivety is astounding.

Moonbabysmum · 15/12/2021 08:43

It's 3am, and you've been up with your toddler since midnight. You have to leave for work at 8 and haven't even made it to bed yet.

You can:

  1. swap with your partner and get a few hours of rest before work.

  2. can't swap because you are a single parent. You carry on, and if lucky manage and hour or two.

Do you still think that being a single parent means your get more rest and sleep?

I know you said that is because of sex but (1) a decent partner wouldn't be pressuring you into sex anyway (2) sex doesn't always happen just before bed does it 😂🙄

Hope478 · 15/12/2021 09:27

@Moonbabysmum

It's 3am, and you've been up with your toddler since midnight. You have to leave for work at 8 and haven't even made it to bed yet.

You can:

  1. swap with your partner and get a few hours of rest before work.

  2. can't swap because you are a single parent. You carry on, and if lucky manage and hour or two.

Do you still think that being a single parent means your get more rest and sleep?

I know you said that is because of sex but (1) a decent partner wouldn't be pressuring you into sex anyway (2) sex doesn't always happen just before bed does it 😂🙄

When you've had a baby, does ANYONE want sex? We've forgotten what it is now Grin
KateInHappyland · 15/12/2021 09:56

The truth is even the happiest relationship will force you to have to do things you don’t want to do. Some of the time. You don’t always want to have sex when they do - and vice versa, for example. Many married couples put up with things they don’t want just to keep the other person happy.

That's not true at all. You see, there's this magical word - 'no'. In a healthy relationship with a respectful partner, you can tell them 'no, I don't feel like it' and that's absolutely fine. If one of you doesn't want to have sex, you don't have sex - end of. You don't need to do anything you don't want to do to 'keep the other person happy'.

As I and many others have said, you are describing an abusive, controlling relationship as if that's the only option - and that isn't normal. It's actually quite sad that you believe this to be the case, because a relationship with the right person can be so wonderful.

jeaux90 · 15/12/2021 10:02

OP as a single mum (I replied further down) but those sleepless nights are few beyond the newborn phase. I co-slept with mine and it was both lovely and practical, we both slept well.

You don't need a partner to do this, you don't need a husband. Being financially independent really helps, live in nanny if you can afford it if need to travel for work etc avoids the stress of having to get wrap around care or if they aren't well and have to exclude from nursery etc

My DD is 12 now and at a private school where she boards part time (because she loves it and it works for my career).

I have no regrets, most moaning from my friends are about their husbands.

KateInHappyland · 15/12/2021 10:04

Also, my wedding was under £4k including ceremony, venue, food, drink, dress, groom's outfit, shoes, rings. The rings were the most expensive part - we . We're both introverts and didn't want a massive party as we don't enjoy them!
But even what we had is mostly optional. The actual marriage (making it legal) can be done for as little as about £45 at your local register office. No frills, job done.

KateInHappyland · 15/12/2021 10:05

@KateInHappyland

Also, my wedding was under £4k including ceremony, venue, food, drink, dress, groom's outfit, shoes, rings. The rings were the most expensive part - we . We're both introverts and didn't want a massive party as we don't enjoy them! But even what we had is mostly optional. The actual marriage (making it legal) can be done for as little as about £45 at your local register office. No frills, job done.
Excuse the random 'we', typed in the wrong place evidently!
Lazypuppy · 15/12/2021 10:31

OP you realise if you have a baby with a man even if you want to ve on your own, that baby will have 2 parents and you will likely end up with 50/50 split so you won't have your child with you full time.

You sound very immature and selfish

hugr · 15/12/2021 10:33

@Tal45

Are you NT OP? Just wondering because you seem quite black and white, seem to imply that relationships are not for you and that you struggle/don't want to work and compromise with someone else and seem to find it difficult to see things from other points of view. You also don't seem to have mentioned love anywhere. That's why people get married and have children. Have you even considered the child in this? How they might feel not having a father? And dirty nappies might be 'fun' and a novelty for a weekend - but try 3 years and see how much fun you're having then. Try working all day and then being up every few hours all night with your teething child. It's not a fun game OP it's a child's life.
Exactly! OP is absolutely sure that she doesn't want a marriage because it will erase her identity, means that another person will rely on her and she will have to do what they want when they want it.

OP is also absolutely sure she will do these things for her kids (not an adult - despite the fact that kids become adults)

jeaux90 · 15/12/2021 10:47

@Lazypuppy

OP you realise if you have a baby with a man even if you want to ve on your own, that baby will have 2 parents and you will likely end up with 50/50 split so you won't have your child with you full time.

You sound very immature and selfish

Not true. It depends how she decides to conceive.

Also, I'm a single mum, not a co-parent.

A single parent is by definition on their own.

Not quite sure how this gets so muddled up all the time. If you are divorced for example and you have joint custody, it doesn't make you a single parent.

KateInHappyland · 15/12/2021 11:05

@Lazypuppy

OP you realise if you have a baby with a man even if you want to ve on your own, that baby will have 2 parents and you will likely end up with 50/50 split so you won't have your child with you full time.

You sound very immature and selfish

I think OP means she would be considering an anonymous donor. The child usually can’t access their traceable data until they turn 18, so the donor wouldn't be a part of their life growing up.
georgarina · 15/12/2021 11:14

I'm a single parent by choice, and many of my friends were raised only by their mothers growing up (one by her dad as her mother sadly died). It's a valid option as long as you can support yourself and your family.

It is easier in many ways to be a single parent, and harder in others. Is it possible? Absolutely - the world is full of single parents!

And, from experience, no partner is definitely preferable to a bad partner. There's no frustration or resentment or bickering when it's just you. You get to make all the decisions.

I would also examine some of your ideas though- you don't need to change your surname to get married or fit into a cookie cutter ideal. If that's what's stopping you, consider that a relationship can be anything you want.

Piggyk2 · 15/12/2021 11:23

@georgarina

I'm a single parent by choice, and many of my friends were raised only by their mothers growing up (one by her dad as her mother sadly died). It's a valid option as long as you can support yourself and your family.

It is easier in many ways to be a single parent, and harder in others. Is it possible? Absolutely - the world is full of single parents!

And, from experience, no partner is definitely preferable to a bad partner. There's no frustration or resentment or bickering when it's just you. You get to make all the decisions.

I would also examine some of your ideas though- you don't need to change your surname to get married or fit into a cookie cutter ideal. If that's what's stopping you, consider that a relationship can be anything you want.

What your describing is not what OP is planning on doing. I think you mean most people start off in a relationship... things break down and then the mother decides to split from their partner. This is totally different from planning to deliberately be a single mother right from the start.
Moonbabysmum · 15/12/2021 12:38

OP as a single mum (I replied further down) but those sleepless nights are few beyond the newborn phase. I co-slept with mine and it was both lovely and practical, we both slept well.

Well that's jolly lovely for you isnt it!
Meanwhile even a glimpse of the sleep board, will show you that you are the lucky one with sleep.

Many dont sleep well for years (mine included). In fact mine slept ok as newborns compared to how they were a year later, when also juggling work. For most of us, extreme sleep deprivation isnt limited to the newborn period.

GrandDuchessRomanov · 15/12/2021 13:00

@Diditreallylookawful I could have written your post, well said.

PrivateHall · 15/12/2021 13:24

OP your views on men are very negative and you really need to reflect on where you get these ideas from. You don't seem able to see any benefits to being in a relationship. Do you ever find men sexually attractive, are you sure you are heterosexual? Or could you be asexual? Or have you witnessed/experienced an abusive relationship up close? I think therapy might be best before you drag a child (who could be male!) into this mess. Good luck!

SunshineInMyTea · 15/12/2021 15:10

Very strange comments here for the most part.
I think it’s good for a woman to have their eyes open when it comes to men.

And if she wants to go alone about having kids, by all means, god for her.

DrSbaitso · 15/12/2021 16:10

The thing is, OP is not focusing on the idea that a single parent can be extremely capable, or that it's an option for women who haven't met someone and may be running out of time. The posts are all about how she doesn't want a partner involved because you have to incorporate a partner in your life and can't always do whatever you want without considering them.

Which is a weird thought process for someone considering parenthood! I know, I know, she's happy to do it for a child. But she seems to have not even a theoretical understanding of how that works. If you don't want to have to consider what someone else likes for dinner, how are you going to handle twice daily school runs, fussy eaters, sleep deprivation, swimming lessons, homework?

My life didn't change much in terms of freedoms when I got with my husband (I was much happier). Motherhood changed it profoundly.