To want to become a single mother by choice?

[Eversograteful]

I have made up my mind that I 100% do not want to get married. Ever. Even after kids.

My reasons:

• I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.
• I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).
• I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.

My other, more emotional reasons for not wanting marriage:

• it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion)
• I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name
• I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name
• I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that
• I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity

I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children. Honestly, I’d be quite prepared to become a single mother by choice as I feel it’d almost be easier as

• I could parent the way that I want
• I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues
• I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills
• I get to make parenting decisions by myself

Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things

I don’t have kids of my own (yet) but I’ve been yearning for my own family (children only) since I was sixteen - I even have the names picked out!. Strangely I’ve always been turned off by marriage since I was a child (even though my parents are married). It’s only recently I’ve decided it’s something I definitely do not want.

AIBU for dreaming about having children on my own?

Yeah, babysitting other people's kids is nothing like looking after your own child day in day out.
You sound quite naive and have some strange ideas about what marriage and parenthood is like
How much do you earn? Because a full time nursery place is £1000 a month where I am, and I live in a "cheap" area. On top of that you'd also have to pay all your other living costs. You might be entitled to some benefits but it's still going to be a hard life unless you're in a very high income. Then when they're at school you'd need wraparound care which also costs ££. Plus clubs, hobbies, birthday parties, days out, and all the basics like the extra food, clothes, toys etc.

Then there are all the times you get called to pick your child up in the middle of the day because they're ill...when they start nursery the first few months are wall to wall bugs, one after the other. Plus they're up in the night and then you're exhausted for work and not performing as well.
It's been a shock to the system for me and I'm not a single mum. If I didn't have DH and MIL to share the load I'd probably have been fired by now due to the amount of absence I'd have racked up looking after an ill toddler.
Obviously single parents manage somehow but you'd be mad to deliberately put yourself in that position.

The marriage stuff is a bit weird, you don't need to be married to have a child, lots of couples don't marry so all your points about the expensive weddings and patriarchy are irrelevant.

You sound incredibly immature, OP.

I’m not married. No intention to get married. But have been with my partner for 16 years. I’ve never once been forced, pressured, nagged to have sex when I’ve not been interested. Our relationship enhances my life rather than diminishes it. He respects my independence. We are absolutely equal. What he provides is practical and emotional support. Simple things like me being able to pop out somewhere without taking a child with me, leaving the baby with him while I had a shower, getting a lie in after a nightmare night when the baby wouldn’t sleep for more than an hour.

Plus never underestimate the emotional support a partner can give you. We had to decide if our child should have surgery when he was 1. It was an agonising decision with no easy answer. I can’t begin to tell you how reassuring it was to have someone else helping to make the decision. And we face parenting decisions every day. It’s so useful to have someone to bounce ideas off, to check that I’m doing the right thing.

I appreciate that there are many relationships that are toxic for a whole host of reasons, and for many people, going it alone ends up better for their children than battling on in an abusive relationship, but to close your eyes to the concept of a mutually supportive parental relationship seems narrow-minded and naive.

Thanks but I’ve babysat children before and I am aware cleaning poo, vomit, changing nappies is just part of the job of being a mother and I’m prepared for that.

Nappies and cleaning up sick are the easy bits. Honestly, they're easy. You can clearly see what needs doing and it's easy to do. And they're generally only for a short period of time.

The massive shift in your entire life going forward, now...

Utterly selfish decision to deliberately deprive a child from a father by choice.

You have spoken at length about what YOU want and have said nothing about what might be best for you as yet imaginary child(ren).
I'm a single mother and it's bloody hard. It's also NOT what I would have chosen in advance for my children. However, life happened.

The truth is even the happiest relationship will force you to have to do things you don’t want to do. Some of the time. You don’t always want to have sex when they do - and vice versa, for example. Many married couples put up with things they don’t want just to keep the other person happy

I don't believe you have had a healthy relationship with a partner.

I also think you should not teach your future daughter/ son that relationships are about doing things just to keep the other person happy .

@ExplodingCarrots

Can I ask op, are you currently surrounded by friends who are getting married / having babies ? You sound a lot like an old friend of mine who 'hated' marriage , would 'never do xyz' when it came to having kids , would be happy 'alone' . Truth was , she was desperately unhappy she hadn't found the right person and had a family yet and this was her defence. She became very bitter and spouted the same views on marriage as you. I'm married and I don't agree with any of the points you've said. As other posters have said, they're traits of old traditions and abusive relationships .

How do you know the truth about what your friend secretly felt? Did she tell you?

You feel that I’m bitter because you think I can’t get married, even if I wanted to?

Are all women who express my views secretly just bitter because they can’t get married? What about the men who feel the way I do and want to be permanent bachelors, is marriage viewed as an achievement for all women or for men too??

OP continues to not understand 🤦🏾‍♀️

@Ylvamoon

The truth is even the happiest relationship will force you to have to do things you don’t want to do. Some of the time. You don’t always want to have sex when they do - and vice versa, for example. Many married couples put up with things they don’t want just to keep the other person happy

I don't believe you have had a healthy relationship with a partner.

I also think you should not teach your future daughter/ son that relationships are about doing things just to keep the other person happy .

I’d be happy for you (or someone else in this thread) to explain to me what a healthy relationship looks like because from where I’m standing it just looks like endless compromise and sacrifice. Then when you add babies and young kids in to the mix, seems like hassle

@Strangevipers

OP continues to not understand 🤦🏾‍♀️

I’m still reading the comments in this thread and responding as I go along

from where I’m standing it just looks like endless compromise and sacrifice.

This is exactly what having children is, with or without a partner, married or not.

I would stop focusing on a partner and start thinking a little more about why you want children? What you think they are going to add to your life ?

You sound like a control freak who would want to fully control everything including your child. Would that be best for the child?

Motherhood isn't just about you though. What will you do, when your child is older and wants to track down their dad and have a relationship with him? You're looking at a lot of grief.

I’d be happy for you (or someone else in this thread) to explain to me what a healthy relationship looks like because from where I’m standing it just looks like endless compromise and sacrifice.

What do you think motherhood is?

I’d be happy for you (or someone else in this thread) to explain to me what a healthy relationship looks like because from where I’m standing it just looks like endless compromise and sacrifice. Then when you add babies and young kids in to the mix, seems like hassle

OP, of course there are compromises in every relationship and for some people sacrifices too. But it should be mutual and work both ways. I am not talking about compromising on things like having sex when you don't want to. I am talking things like compromising on holidays maybe one wants a city break and the other a beach holiday? To me you take turns in choosing or find a compromise. Tbh that's life. If you don't love someone enough to be willing to find a middle ground that works for you both then that's probably not a relationship worth having. It all comes down to how much you love the other person and want that person in your life. And no, you don't ever have to get married!

As for kids, yep they will shake a relationship to its core, absolutely. They will exhaust you, you will have less time for your relationship as well as yourself. Your needs will take a back seat until you can find a way to do something that you love/ need! My partner does loads around the house and tbh is a better housekeeper than me, he's with the kids when I am at work and vice versa. Life would be very hard and very expensive without both of us sharing the load. But once you have had kids you life as a single carefree woman will never be the same again and that's with a partner or without.

I’d be happy for you (or someone else in this thread) to explain to me what a healthy relationship looks like because from where I’m standing it just looks like endless compromise and sacrifice

A healthy relationship is a partnership. Both partners work together ... some just enjoy the company, some build assets, raise a family, jont hobbies, ....
Most of this comes naturally, but for some aspects of it you have to put in the work. Just like with any relationship. Even that with your friends, family and future children!

@Eversograteful

I’d be happy for you (or someone else in this thread) to explain to me what a healthy relationship looks like because from where I’m standing it just looks like endless compromise and sacrifice. Then when you add babies and young kids in to the mix, seems like hassle

Well a healthy relationship doesn't include having sex when you don't want to. This is an explanation on what it looks like from another thread by a poster called @Stravaig:

"Intimacy sounds something like this -
Husband to wife who's not feeling great:
'How are you feeling? Can I get you anything? Is there anything I can do for you to help you feel more comfortable?'

More specifically, intimacy looks like any or all of this -
Husband to wife who's not feeling great:
'I'll cook the dinner, do the dishes, do the cleaning, do the ironing. I'll look after the kids, take the kids out, put the kids to bed. I'll make the packed lunches, do the school run. I'll organise the play dates, ferry them to and fro. I'll call the nursery, school, doctor, dentist, optician, bank, council. Would you like me to rub your back, shoulders, feet, run you a bath? Don't worry, I've already put the blood-soaked knickers, leggings, sheets into a cold soak, and remade the bed. Can I get you a cushion, blanket, hot water bottle? I'm just going out to get you some more painkillers, tampons, pads, red wine, chocolate. Is there anything else you need? I'm worried about your periods, their effect on you, do you think it's worth checking with a doctor?'

That's intimacy, care, love."

It does require compromise and sacrifice in terms of having to give a shit about someone else's needs and well being instead of just your own though, but it should work both ways.

@DrSbaitso

I’d be happy for you (or someone else in this thread) to explain to me what a healthy relationship looks like because from where I’m standing it just looks like endless compromise and sacrifice.

What do you think motherhood is?

THIS!

@Eversograteful

What age group are you OP ?

Oh and I would say having children is the ultimate requirement for sacrifice and compromise.

I think you are comparing the best aspects of being a single parent with the worst aspects of being in a relationship.

So although relationships are not always easy there are positives too.

No one else will share the ups and downs of parenting your child and love your child like you do. For example you can't say to siblings or friends with their own children "hey I have the funniest/cleverest/most beautiful child in the world" and discuss their amazing qualities at length. You can with their other parent. Equally you can't talk too long about your worries about their learning/friendships/health whatever. Other people's children might have it much worse and make you appear self obsessed- their dad is the right person for this.

While relationships aren't always easy a good parent will jigsaw in with you to fill any gaps and you with them.

My husband was ill with bug and migraine recently and it crossed my mind "how on earth would he parent today if he was alone". He couldn't even phone work himself as he was vomiting. I stepped up and didn't sleep after a night shift as we work different days/shifts to care for the children.

Yesterday my little one had a fall/cut to the head and butterfly stitches so my husband spent the night in A&E (I was at work). He might be best not to go to nursery the rest of the week as it is critical he must not pick the stitches in the next few days. We will manage between us.

You say you want to buy a house outright and leave it to your kids. A good dad is another insurance policy if you became too ill to care for your kids or died. You sound very capable but you are after all human and none of us know what tye future holds.
We have a mortgaged house and 200k of life insurance plus 50 or 60k of death in service payment. It would no way be enough to throw money at replacing what my husband does and we are fairly low earners on about 22k each. I would no longer be able to work night shifts so would drain the fund about 2.5k each month less whatever I could earn around the kids. I don't think I could hold down a job alone for long as my youngest attendance at nursery this year is running at about 50% with fevers/coughs/spotty viruses and now butterfly stitch injury. Do you want more than one child? You would have to drag one poorly child on the school run to take the other in unless you have other help - and have twice/three times the childhood illnesses/ accidents/ childcare/ extra curricular activities/ parent worries.

It's not always easy but there is no one I would rather spend time with than my husband.

If you think marriage has a lot of historical baggage how about a civil partnership?

Finally if your partner wanted sex and you don't, after you have said no thanks, tell them to f* off!

Don't do it! Trust me. The stigma is real, regardless of what virtue signalling married mothers will try to tell you! They don't see or experience it. The way we are treated is VILE! Especially by the older generation (sorry but in my experience this is factual. Not ALL older people, obviously) and on MN. I've had more judgment & vitriol on MN than anywhere else!

I saw someone on here once say "Single mothers have made their bed, they need to lie in it!! They're the scourge of our earth" 😔 Thankfully MNHQ deleted it but I've never ever forgotten it. Made me sick.

As a child raised by a single mother (not by choice) it isn't as fulfilling as you'd think. It's damn hard work, it's tiring. It's only you.
Who's going to help out when you're poorly and not feeling up to looking after the child? Who's going to switch out the nights with you when you've had no sleep? Who's picking the child up from school when you aren't available due to work. What happens if you lose your job and sole income?
It's really not something I believe anybody should go into unless they have a hell of a lot of money, and a huge support system who are willing to drop everything in an instant to help you.

OP loads of people have asked you but you seem to be evading the questions:

How old are you and what does your previous relationship hisory look like? Have you even had a proper relationship yet?

And is it just marriage you object to, or do you reject the idea of relationships altogether?

How are you planning on getting pregnant?

I can promise you OP, I do far more for mu kids that I don't want to do than for my partner!!!!!!! My partner mainly wants to go to restaurants, drink, have consensual sex and watch TV. Basically what I want to do. My kids on the other hand ruin most of these things! Plus they shit and vomit a lot. They love playing mindless games and the TV they watch is appalling. You are not ready to have a relationship or a child.