To want to become a single mother by choice?

[Eversograteful]

I have made up my mind that I 100% do not want to get married. Ever. Even after kids.

My reasons:

• I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.
• I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).
• I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.

My other, more emotional reasons for not wanting marriage:

• it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion)
• I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name
• I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name
• I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that
• I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity

I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children. Honestly, I’d be quite prepared to become a single mother by choice as I feel it’d almost be easier as

• I could parent the way that I want
• I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues
• I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills
• I get to make parenting decisions by myself

Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things

I don’t have kids of my own (yet) but I’ve been yearning for my own family (children only) since I was sixteen - I even have the names picked out!. Strangely I’ve always been turned off by marriage since I was a child (even though my parents are married). It’s only recently I’ve decided it’s something I definitely do not want.

AIBU for dreaming about having children on my own?

The truth is even the happiest relationship will force you to have to do things you don’t want to do. Some of the time

As a parent you will have to do a lot of things you don't want to do.

Also, it strikes me that you have a massive hang up about sex with a man as you have mentioned this in several posts.

Have you only ever known abusive men? Or is there something else going on here?

Marriage was invented by men , so that a woman will serve the man.

That may be so but it's 2021; you don't have to take a surname, you can set your own bar and expectations, you can work. Sure plenty of women are disadvantaged by marriage, but it's up to us to decide what marriage we want, they don't all look the same.

OP forget marriage but you seem to be solely focused on forced sex in a relationship and I've no idea where you have this idea that this is the norm. It's not.

The reason there are a lot of posts on Mumsnet is because this is a forum for advice. Those in happy relationships/marriage are not going to post about their relationships! And on the odd occasions they do to talk about their great relationships they get stripped down by posters.

Relationships (whether with your spouse, your parent or your child) are about compromises and give and take. If you aren't prepared to do things you don't want to do then...believe me...children are not for you!

You compromise because you love each other. Your spouse may sit through your terrible choice of film despite really hating it...you may have to stand out in the rain on occasion to watch your spouse do a sport despite it being freezing cold. And you will almost certainly spend time you'd rather be gouging your eyes out doing kid friendly activities!

Stop focusing on forced sex or try and work out why this is your focus-it's really not normal in good, healthy relationships.

As for potentially losing your identity, having someone else’s needs take priority over your own, having to do things on someone else’s terms….are you really sure you want a child?

Yes this is what I was going to say. If you don't want to compromise on another's needs and for your needs to remain a priority then maybe parenthood is not for you. You really do take a backseat in more ways than one as a parent.

"The truth is even the happiest relationship will force you to have to do things you don’t want to do. Some of the time

As a parent you will have to do a lot of things you don't want to do."

I thought this as well. If you want to be in control of your life and not do things you don't want to do I would strongly advise against having children.
They are much worse than normal husbands in this respect.

If you look back in history, marriage was invented by men to keep women as servants to men

Back in history, yes. Most women who get married these days don't see it that way.

Marriage is not natural and is not beneficial to women.

Maybe not to you, but it is to others. In cases where the woman is a SAHM the being married offers much better financial protection.

I'm astounded that more women don't see this and choose their own life instead.

See my earlier points

I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted

Bless you; I had NO idea how physically demanding a baby would be until he arrived. Having a DH gave me back up and saved my sanity.

You may / not choose to get married but I am not sure you have seriously considered life as a single parent. How do you envisage this happening for you?

I agree with many other women who are single parents that life is easier without a partner who is disengaged/ dishonest/ abusive, but I think (and I include myself in this), the vast majority of single parents would choose to be in a secure respectful partnership rather than on their own. It is really really hard being the only parent.

No mention of how a child would feel living with Mum's choice to go it alone. They want to know their father. They can live a whole life feeling the absence of their father (or mother if she is not on scene)and it hurts. One boy I knew was illustrating a story about family and father was a figure with a square box with a question mark inside for a head. I stopped at his desk for a look and it all came pouring out. He didn't know anything about his father who had dumped his mother while she was in the maternity ward. In the boy's mind, it was his fault that his father did a runner. I have a hundred stories like that.Think carefully about deliberately inflicting that on a child.

I agree with the OP about for sex in relationships.
I am single now and I can have sex whenever I want , or not have sex at all.

I have been in relationships in the past. In ever y long term relationship that I have been in, I have felt pressured into sex I didn't want.

There is an expectation by many men that if you are in a relationship with them, then they are entitled to sex on a regular basis. I don't agree with that. What if I don't want sex for a couple of months?

I remember the last long relationship I was in, I had a really bad tummy pain one day. My boyfriend came in the bedroom and said be wanted sex. I told him I was in pain and I didn't want to. He said "come on I really want to" and kept at me and at me until I gave in. I remember afterwards he was really happy and I was lying there honestly feeling like I'd been raped. The scary thing was he was actually a really nice guy in all other aspects. But if he wanted sex and I didnt want it, he would always think about he wanted first.

I will never be in a relationship again. I don't want to be pushed into sex again. I love being single and free

@icklekid

I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage

Not had a baby yet… you may come to realise how naive that statement is.

Your post comes across very judgemental. It’s fine for you to not want to get married. Many other women have babies and get married without feeling their sexuality or identity are controlled. It’s called a healthy marriage. Rather than worrying about pressing your views on others just carry on doing what feels right for you. But good luck feeling rested and relaxed as a single parent to a newborn…

Pahaha this made me laugh! OP you sound quite self-righteous. Like others have said - you do you. Not sure why you needed to post to MN about it, crack on!

@Mamamamasaurus

Hundreds of replies and this is your only comeback?

Just out of interest, when you have a child (that sleeps through the night from birth, etc), do you assume you'll never do things you don't want to do? Poo, vomit, snot, tummy bugs, colds, to name a few.

Thanks but I’ve babysat children before and I am aware cleaning poo, vomit, changing nappies is just part of the job of being a mother and I’m prepared for that. Honestly, I’m quite looking forward to it actually, it seems fun as I can actually join in motherhood discussions like potty training, choosing baby clothes, primary schools etc.

So basically what I’m trying to say is I don’t see cleaning baby vomit or changing pooey nappies as fun or pleasant but I also see it as something I have to do because it has to be done. I don’t include those tasks in the same category as “things I don’t want to do”. Same with watching kiddie tv shows when I’d prefer to watch something more mature.

My 60 year old aunty just got divorced and she said the same thing to me, she is so happy now she is not constantly being pressured into sex by her husband.

@Mufasa1118

I agree with the OP about for sex in relationships. I am single now and I can have sex whenever I want , or not have sex at all.

I have been in relationships in the past. In ever y long term relationship that I have been in, I have felt pressured into sex I didn't want.

There is an expectation by many men that if you are in a relationship with them, then they are entitled to sex on a regular basis. I don't agree with that. What if I don't want sex for a couple of months?

I remember the last long relationship I was in, I had a really bad tummy pain one day. My boyfriend came in the bedroom and said be wanted sex. I told him I was in pain and I didn't want to. He said "come on I really want to" and kept at me and at me until I gave in. I remember afterwards he was really happy and I was lying there honestly feeling like I'd been raped. The scary thing was he was actually a really nice guy in all other aspects. But if he wanted sex and I didnt want it, he would always think about he wanted first.

I will never be in a relationship again. I don't want to be pushed into sex again. I love being single and free

You felt like you were raped because you were! Coerced consent is not consent. I am sorry.

He was not a nice guy, however he appeared in public.

If you meet one of the "good" ones who you love and who wholeheartedly take on their equal share of the child rearing then parenthood is infinitely easier and more enjoyable and is definitely the best case scenario for you and the child IMO. However, the majority of men still do not pull their weight with their children and the domestic load and those relationships make parenthood infinitely harder. I would aim for the former and if you don't meet him go it alone. Either way, if you want to avoid a life of stress and misery never, ever settle for the latter!

@EurghCobwebs I wanted to post on MN because I wanted to have multiple opinions, particularly from both single mother and not single mothers so I could think about this more before making a final decision

@Mufasa1118 you do realise that's not acceptable though? It's like saying I'm happier single so I don't get hit, just as someone should aim to leave a physically violent relationship you should leave a sexually abusive one, being pressured and coerced into sex is abuse and shouldn't be tolerated. It happens in abusive relationships, not happy ones. I've NEVER had sex when I haven't wanted to, my husband isn't a dick.

I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage

😂 The baby might have different ideas

Are you “newfem” with a name change? How many “marriage is bad” threads are you going to start?

Contrary to popular belief many single parents do not crave a man.

Seems selfish. You'll be ok when your child is little. Older kid will ask questions and may not like the answers. What if they make it their quest to find their bio father and have a relationship with them?

The truth is even the happiest relationship will force you to have to do things you don’t want to do. Some of the time. You don’t always want to have sex when they do - and vice versa, for example.

I've never had sex unless I've wanted to have sex.

As for being a single mum, I know some very happy single mums. As in no involvement from a dad at all because they used a sperm donor or it was a one night stand on holiday and they never tracked them down. They have money and good support networks from their family.

You sound like you've not had very good experiences with men so far.

If you’re planning to use a nursery or crèche for childcare, you definitely need to consider your back-up plans when they’re off sick, because it will happen constantly as they build up their immune system! You literally could use up every scrap of leave in a few months.

Oh also marriage is not necessary if you're financial secure. I had the same views as you regarding it. Ultimately We did it for tax purposes but it was a very specific situation, otherwise it wouldn't have been needed. I use Ms. and didn't change my name - those things aren't compulsory!

Contrary to popular belief many single parents do not crave a man.

Likewise nor is every married woman oppressed in an unhappy relationship being coerced into sex!