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Original poster

Paying per head for Xmas dinner at sil house

285 replies

Michellexxx · 13/12/2021 18:21

We’re going for a ‘second Xmas’ at sisters house. They have requested that we each pay per head for the meal.. we have hosted about 3 Tim’s before and they have brought a course/bottle/maybe offered 20 quid one year. But if we don’t eat the cheese/drink the wine they brought, they took it home.
It’s been calculated that the family coming will basically pay for the food part and they’re gonna pay for extras..

It’s a relatively far drive and we’ve never charged like this- even when they stayed at ours and had all their meals here!

I have already suggested it’s a bit much for some family who are travelling. The hosts earn reasonably well, so I don’t understand this! We’re having to pay £45 to travel 2 hours and obv most people won’t be able to drink because they’re driving!

Am I over thinking this?

OP posts:
pinkpantherpink · 14/12/2021 18:01

Oh dear. So they have form for this and don't bat an eyelid at potentiak food poisoning. Big swerve from me I reckon. No thank you!

JuergenSchwarzwald · 14/12/2021 18:02

There was a very similar discussion about this recently - it made the Mirror!

www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/my-laws-charging-christmas-dinner-25514579?swet=

thenovice · 14/12/2021 18:06

I think I would make my excuses, using Covid as the reason to avoid discomfort.

Maggiejardine · 14/12/2021 18:10

It sounds more like a restaurant to me. If I could not afford to host a meal I wouldn’t invite anyone.
Ask your SIL if she has a machine so you can tap your card

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 14/12/2021 18:14

The only people I've ever split the cost of a 'christmas dinner' with were my housemates at uni. I would say to them if they are struggling financially you are happy to host.
We usually take something eg my brother a few years ago said to my parents that he'd found a new local butcher and ordered the turkey and beef (just distracted them etc when talk of paying for it came up), or we'll say we've got a case of wine we'll bring, and I'll quite often make something for pudding and just say it's a recipe I want to try out or it's a favourite people have enjoyed before. Last time we hosted PIL brought a huge hamper and told us in advance not to get certain things as they had a hamper 'going spare' , everyone always brings a bottle. There are polite ways to mitigate the expense and effort from the host. Just charging per head seems a bit off.

WimpoleHat · 14/12/2021 18:17

These things can be tricky. If you’re well off, it’s easy to recoil in horror at the idea of anything other than “host pays and guest brings a bottle of wine”. But if you’re not so well off and there’s an expectation that people will get together at Christmas for large meals, then it can be tricky. My friend was always the host for 20 as she had the house “in the middle” of all the relatives and had just enough space for everyone to stay. But this meant an astronomical grocery bill for her, not to mention an eye watering amount of laundry and washing up. So they did it on a “everyone gives her £30 and she just orders all the food” basis.

What’s different here, though, is that the hosts seem to have changed the rules when it’s their turn. That does seem a bit off!

TinselTottyTart · 14/12/2021 18:19

I personally wouldn't go, however you could be a bigger person and take cake, wine etc and let them squirm. Money?, hell mo.

Schooldilemma2345 · 14/12/2021 18:21

That’s disgusting behaviour IMO! If you host you accept that you bear the brunt of the expense. If people offer to bring a contribution (and they really should if they’re close enough to spend Xmas with you). Then you say, “oh great, yes, please could bring a pudding/cheese/similar”. They should always bring wine- it’s totally up to you whether you open it there and then or save it for another occasion (as long as the booze is flowing!). Also, if you don’t end up eating what you’ve contributed, you certainly don’t take it home! That’s sooo rude!! If you need your dish back there and then you transfer it into something else!

FFS what is wrong with people!!

TatianaBis · 14/12/2021 18:28

Fuck that.

Pigsears · 14/12/2021 18:28

If this was the first year of this, it means you could continue along the same lines with your sister next year when you host.

If you choose not to do with other siblings, then that's fine, you absorb that cost but charge out to sister based on number of people in her family.

unless everyone is on board, it makes things awkward. But if a big group, and its for the whole extended family, and one family has to do it, and there is not a lot of cash, then may have to start sometime...

ChiefStockingStuffer · 14/12/2021 18:28

Tell them you'll contribute towards the food, within reason, but bring your own drinks.

problem solved.

RockyReef · 14/12/2021 18:29

I don't get this idea of paying for meals at someone else's house. In my view, if you invite people for dinner or for a Christmas lunch or a family get together, then the host pays (and generally people bring some wine). We host Christmas for 9 every year (we are a family of 4) and wouldn't dream of asking for money from our guests.

However, at least your sister is being upfront about it so you can cancel if you don't want to pay.

cherish123 · 14/12/2021 18:30

I wouldn't go. It's really rude to make guests pay. If you can't afford it, don't invite people or scale it down.

VikingOnTheFridge · 14/12/2021 18:36

@WimpoleHat

These things can be tricky. If you’re well off, it’s easy to recoil in horror at the idea of anything other than “host pays and guest brings a bottle of wine”. But if you’re not so well off and there’s an expectation that people will get together at Christmas for large meals, then it can be tricky. My friend was always the host for 20 as she had the house “in the middle” of all the relatives and had just enough space for everyone to stay. But this meant an astronomical grocery bill for her, not to mention an eye watering amount of laundry and washing up. So they did it on a “everyone gives her £30 and she just orders all the food” basis.

What’s different here, though, is that the hosts seem to have changed the rules when it’s their turn. That does seem a bit off!

Exactly. There are setups where this is completely fine. Christmas is bloody expensive, often in families many people don't have enough room to fit everyone, and it's not fair for the costs to continue to fall disproportionately on some family members but not others, especially where money is tight. But that's not what's happening here at all!
Owl55 · 14/12/2021 18:36

If this is for the cost of buying in the meals and having them delivered perhaps I can understand it or if they are in a difficult financial situation fair enough but seems extreme otherwise !

Bettyboopawoop · 14/12/2021 18:44

I would tell them your taking a course like they have done to yours in the past then if it's not used I would pick it right back up and take it back home with me I cannot stand tight arrsed people.

Mandyjack · 14/12/2021 18:45

Maybe politely decline and explain that in your opinion its unfair as you've never charged them. Can't believe they take home something they've bought with them if they've come to you!

MajorCarolDanvers · 14/12/2021 18:52

We always split the cost of Christmas food

OVienna · 14/12/2021 18:54

@fourminutestosavetheworld

The only way this might be approaching reasonable is if they had their arm twisted to host - persuaded to do it on the promise it wouldn't cost them anything.

Even then it's much more usual to ask everyone to bring a course or an item.

I once paid £10pp to cover costs for a family member who reluctantly agreed to do it - biggest, nicest house that we could all fit in but no cash as recently made redundant.

I agree with this.

But I really have no idea what I'd do. Very easy to say you'd not attend blah blah.

Seems like they'll be making some sort of profit on the deal here.

The difficulty with 'bringing a dish' is the two hour drive. Are others in the same boat?

What a bore (not OP's thread, but the situation.)

I think I'd be tempted to be honest though, especially as you're paying for one meal this year already.

"I'm a bit confused by this as we've never charged each other before."

Mygirlruby · 14/12/2021 18:54

I'd spend the £45 on takeaway and stay at home. I don't get charging family for Christmas dinner, it's just rude.

Sparkletastic · 14/12/2021 18:56

I'd text saying 'don't worry about us we will be eating en-route'

Jewel52 · 14/12/2021 18:58

WTF miserly to say the least! I hate this creep of monetary expectations into normal social functions e.g being asked to contribute significant amounts to gifts for major birthdays, weddings etc. Just think it puts people off going and creates arguments within families when it’s called out.,,

fetchacloth · 14/12/2021 19:04

Bugger that🙄
I would stay at home. 😁

Bertiebiscuit · 14/12/2021 19:09

Don't go - they are bang out of order Xmas grinches

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 14/12/2021 19:11

Exactly.