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Original poster

Paying per head for Xmas dinner at sil house

285 replies

Michellexxx · 13/12/2021 18:21

We’re going for a ‘second Xmas’ at sisters house. They have requested that we each pay per head for the meal.. we have hosted about 3 Tim’s before and they have brought a course/bottle/maybe offered 20 quid one year. But if we don’t eat the cheese/drink the wine they brought, they took it home.
It’s been calculated that the family coming will basically pay for the food part and they’re gonna pay for extras..

It’s a relatively far drive and we’ve never charged like this- even when they stayed at ours and had all their meals here!

I have already suggested it’s a bit much for some family who are travelling. The hosts earn reasonably well, so I don’t understand this! We’re having to pay £45 to travel 2 hours and obv most people won’t be able to drink because they’re driving!

Am I over thinking this?

OP posts:
Lockheart · 14/12/2021 07:58

@WhatTimeIsItMrGinola

You'll go, you'll pay and you will enable them
Enable them to do what exactly, split the bill?
IWentAwayIStayedAway · 14/12/2021 08:00

Can you go to see family but decline eating?? That is awful behaviour that deserves calling out. Go for a walk while they are all eating?

lottiegarbanzo · 14/12/2021 08:02

Contributing can make sense if the same family always hosts.

Contributing is not quite the same as charging.

She's your sister, talk to her.

SSOYS · 14/12/2021 08:06

I can understand the amount- I’m sure ours is costing about that much and that’s before you think of the booze. But of course it’s very odd to ask you to pay. I’d understand it better if they were short of money but then why do such an extravagant meal?

timeisnotaline · 14/12/2021 08:08

Why would you put up with it, it isn’t the first time and it will just happen again after all, so why don’t you bite the bullet and just call them out on it?? ‘Looking forward to seeing people. Bit surprised at the payment request, we will have to put it on the tab for all the Christmas dinners hosted at ours. But of course we can bring a pudding or nibbles, anything in particular?’

Fatgalslim · 14/12/2021 08:15

@purpledagger

I don't think asking for a contribution is a bad idea, because hosting can be expensive and stressful. But this should be something like help out by bringing a starter/pudding/side dish.

But requesting £45 - surely they must be making a profit, I mean, how can Xmas dinner at someone's house cost that much??? Unless they are fabulous cook and using Unicorn tears, what does £45 get you?

This, what exactly are you getting for the money as you say only the hosts will be drinking?
C8H10N4O2 · 14/12/2021 08:33

The traveling two hours works both ways - they would be driving with one not drinking if they came to you.

I agree contributing is different from charging. The most convenient address for the family Christmas may not be the family who can afford all the costs every year. So families bring contributions to the party or by putting money in a pot but then sharing in deciding what to buy for the family party. I don't see how that is worse than families avoiding a get together because no one person can afford the big event for a twenty odd people. I've never totaled up the cost per head explicitly but have generally spent more than she is charging by the time you tot up all the extras.

As for taking stuff home - again depends on the context. I explicitly tell people no need to bring anything family do anyway at Christmas as they want to contribute despite it not been necessary. We end up with way more in the house than we can use. I'm definitely guilty of sending younger and older members of the family home with food parcels. Perhaps that is SiLs experience and why she takes surplus home.

If you think she is over charging for the food and trying to make money out of the occasion then either call her out over it and ask her if she really needs to charge members of the family who may struggle to afford it or suck it up. Those are the options.

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 14/12/2021 08:49

I would 'accidentally' reply all, and say 'Gosh sis, worried about you - are you having money problems? Only we've hosted you so many times and we never asked for money, but I remember you brought cheese last time then took it home with you. Are you ok hun?'

Then everyone on the invite list can have a think about how they respond, I bet you're not the only one thinking CF-ery.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/12/2021 08:49

You need to counter that request with one of your own where you would say "Well SiL, for the times we've hosted you, including petrol and drink etc. we will come in at the same costs you're looking to charge us so why don't we say we've covered the costs already because we've hosted you, yes?"
Or if you've hosted them more often than they've hosted you, send them a bill for outstanding festivities that they have enjoyed at your expense.

WhatTimeIsItMrGinola · 14/12/2021 09:11

Enable them to do what exactly, split the bill?

Enable them to be rude enough to ask for money for invites THEY have given out.

Enable them to be CFs in asking for money for what other people have kindly given THEM for free in previous years.

Enable them to think that it is normal to charge people and if people dont want to pay, then they dont have to obviously, but then they dont come to a family gathering.

liveforsummer · 14/12/2021 09:17

@notacooldad

These threads baffle me. This year everyone is against it , some year's people think it's not a bad idea and say how expensive it is, how fuel prices are rising and it's a good idea to share the cost and you have the treat of a decent meal that you havent had to make or wash up, why should one couple should have all the costs etc A few years ago I was appalled that idea of paying someone in the family for Christmas dinner but MN persuaded me it wasnt a bad idea. Now everyone hates the idea!!! 🤷‍♀️ 🤣
Often it just depends on the response of the first couple of posters 😆
StormyTeacups · 14/12/2021 09:24

If I did go, I would have to be really passive aggressive and say "oh, is this what we're doing now? I missed out all those times we hosted! I've already bought XY to contribute as normal"

readwhatiactuallysay · 14/12/2021 10:51

Has anyone realised the £45 is OPs travel cost not whats being asked for?

readwhatiactuallysay · 14/12/2021 10:52

Oohhh a passive agressive christmas day sounds just fabulous!!

HopefulHetty · 14/12/2021 10:54

Op says in total, including petrol, it will cost about £65.

HopefulHetty · 14/12/2021 10:55

And she'll be providing food for her own children.

LilyTheMink · 14/12/2021 10:56

". we have hosted about 3 Tim’s before and they have brought a course/bottle/maybe offered 20 quid one year."

Was it We Three Tim's?

We've hosted them before, they are great fun.

BoredZelda · 14/12/2021 10:57

Depends. We used to go back to my parents, as did my DB and DS. We'd chip in £50 a couple as it wasn't fair for my retired parents to bear all the costs especially as we're all in decent jobs. We also share out chores like washing up and veg prep etc.

Same here. Mum and dad are doing a get together for us all at theirs after Christmas. I’m buying in the food so they don’t have to spend anything or lift a finger.

If someone asked us to chip in, I’d be happy to do it, but if you’re not then just decline.

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 14/12/2021 11:04

@GloriaSicTransitMundi

I would 'accidentally' reply all, and say 'Gosh sis, worried about you - are you having money problems? Only we've hosted you so many times and we never asked for money, but I remember you brought cheese last time then took it home with you. Are you ok hun?'

Then everyone on the invite list can have a think about how they respond, I bet you're not the only one thinking CF-ery.

Would you actually send that?! Thats a really rude message and definitely not one I'd send to family.

The OP is paying £45 for travel. That's her perogative. Presumably the other family pay to travel when she hosts.

They are also charging £20 for food and drink for 2 adults and 2 young children. That's pretty cheap.

It's not ideal to charge but neither is it ideal for one family to foot the full bill. It can get stupidly expensive for multiple people, especially when this is a second Xmas dinner and they've had to pay for another recently too.

If OP really doesn't want to, fair enough. She can message her SIL or brother (because it's his household too, why do women have to take the blame) "hi, were quite tight on cash atm due to Xmas, would you mind if we bring a course instead of a payment? We won't be drinking much due to driving so hope this is ok?".

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 14/12/2021 11:08

@WhatTimeIsItMrGinola

Enable them to do what exactly, split the bill?

Enable them to be rude enough to ask for money for invites THEY have given out.

Enable them to be CFs in asking for money for what other people have kindly given THEM for free in previous years.

Enable them to think that it is normal to charge people and if people dont want to pay, then they dont have to obviously, but then they dont come to a family gathering.

Previous meals werent free though.

OP said the other family either bring food or have paid £20 before. Which is seemingly what they're asking OP for (once taking away the £45 travel costs).

It seems lots of posters havent actually read the full posts before jumping to the conclusion that SIL is a CF - all while letting brother get away with it of course.

neverornow · 14/12/2021 11:16

We introduced this about 10 years ago. Each couple contribute £50 towards food, drink and treats for the kids (we all have DC's). The hosts usually always ended up coughing up a bit more on extras but thankfully hosting duties are rotated every. And designated drivers were fed first.
Suggest you do the same - speak to family on the day and see if you all can do this going forward.

SmolCat · 14/12/2021 14:24

How much exactly are they asking @Michellexxx? Is it £45 a head?

Dentistlakes · 14/12/2021 14:30

I don’t understand people who charge family for Christmas lunch when they are hosting. I would be happy to provide a course and we usually offer to provide the ingredients or a course (e.g cheese) and we always bring bubbly and wine, but I find asking for money a but strange. Even more so in your case op when you have hosted at no cost to them in previous years.

keeptheaspidistra · 14/12/2021 17:44

This seems to be relatively common thing to do but to me billing family and loved ones just seems to sap the fun out of things at Christmas. I'd rather arrange to go out to a restaurant and pay my share that way

ohmyohmy123 · 14/12/2021 17:50

I would say you will go but after the meal just to see everyone. Then eat at home at 12, arrive at theirs for 2.30ish after they've eaten. Take some desert you can share and have some and your own drinks.