Paying per head for Xmas dinner at sil house

[Michellexxx]

We’re going for a ‘second Xmas’ at sisters house. They have requested that we each pay per head for the meal.. we have hosted about 3 Tim’s before and they have brought a course/bottle/maybe offered 20 quid one year. But if we don’t eat the cheese/drink the wine they brought, they took it home.
It’s been calculated that the family coming will basically pay for the food part and they’re gonna pay for extras..

It’s a relatively far drive and we’ve never charged like this- even when they stayed at ours and had all their meals here!

I have already suggested it’s a bit much for some family who are travelling. The hosts earn reasonably well, so I don’t understand this! We’re having to pay £45 to travel 2 hours and obv most people won’t be able to drink because they’re driving!

Am I over thinking this?

Aside from the charge, who on earth takes the food or drink home that you've taken to a party??? CF's, don't go.

YANBU

I don’t get this idea that hosts ‘charge’ guests for their hospitality. If you can’t afford to host then don’t offer …..surely?
I think the idea of everyone bringing a food contribution ie a course is a better one so you could counter suggest this especially if that’s been the form previously.

I honestly wouldn’t go if I was paying cash

@fetchacloth

Bugger that🙄 I would stay at home. 😁

Me too!

All 18 of my family get together just after Christmas and everyone contributes something: puddings, cheeses, salads, wine, beer etc. We all fall over ourselves to be generous, so the person who hosts (and provides the main part of the meal), is always left with lots of puddings, unopened cheeses and bottles of Prosecco. No-one loses out and there is never any talk of money.
How horrible. I just would not go.

@Michellexxx

They have done this before but didn’t ask for quite as much. It was a number of years ago. But the Turkey wasn’t cooked properly so everyone left after having a slice of beef and some veg..they apparently lived off Turkey curry etc for weeks 🙄 I just find it quite rude too!

Then say something!

Very cheeky!

However if you're going ahead and paying I'd suggest asking for what you'd like to eat and asking them to deduct price of alcohol. You could be even pointier and say that you'll skip dessert for a cost reduction. And then take a picnic bag of extras with you! It really is super odd, they'll end up with paid for food and all the uneaten food. Although if you do pay you also need to bring Tupperware for your takeaway 😂. Actually you should do it, there's much fun to be had here!

Hiya, well me and my grown daughters usually work out a joint supermarket buy online or similar so the cost isn’t borne by one host. This is mainly because I’m partly retired now and can’t pay for the works for all of us inc partners and children and my daughters really like lots of food and drink. We always share tasks now that they are capable adults. This year my youngest had a wine fund and has saved for spending it at Christmas so ‘we can buy decent’ stuff. Which is great cos I’ve unexpectedly got half the cost of my brothers funeral to find. I live in a big house though and I’m sure some people think I’m cash rich. I really am not. most people have expenses in their lives that others don’t see.
If however I invited people to a meal I wouldn’t expect them to pay, though the meal might vary according to how flush I was at the time..I’ve had bangers mash dinners for guests before now, just to be sociable. (I do say if it’s going to be basic so as not to disappoint people). It’s the warmth of the welcome that’s important isn’t it?

Perfectly reasonable to ask people to bring something and I would always bring something regardless if someone else was cooking and hosting, but I wouldn’t dream of asking for money - completely unreasonable and actually embarrassing IMO. YANBU.

Oh, god - families trying to make money out of hosting at Christmas - grim! If someone's going to host at Christmas they've got all year to save or, OR, they start the conversation in June so those who don't have loads of money can start saving up themselves.

What always bugs the daylights out of me with this sort of thing is how little relatively well-off people think about how thin the November - January salaries have to be spread.

Personaly, @Michellexxx, I'd suggest you have Christmas day at home and Zoom in to that at your leisure!

Sorry, I’m catching up. This is incorrect. I have changed some details incase this is outing.

We have hosted them here at least three times, by the third time I think they might have offered £20- for 3 of them- and they were staying, so had several meals. And because our house is biggest/most convenient, I think they started to feel guilty that we’d paid for all previous years.
I’m not even sure if we accepted and they definitely left with the bottle/cheese they had brought because we didn’t get to it.
We are not staying there, will just be there for the afternoon.

They actually live out of the way, hence why we usually host, for everyone. Others will be travelling further.

The meal contribution is 45, then travel expenses on top- about 20.

I do want to see everyone, I just feel a bit sad that gatherings have come to this. You wouldn’t do this for a normal dinner part, they actually tend to try and show off to friends, and would never mention this.

They definitely have enough money too.. which is why I feel a bit perturbed.
I’m just going to have to suck it up!

Sorry, above was in reply to someone, which didn’t work. It said brother got off with blame/we had charged 20 one year (all inaccurate to some degree, either because of changes or someone has misread, or I’ve not explain properly).

Anyway, thanks for the replies. I’m glad to see I’m not being unreasonable in my reaction!

Also, I did say something and I was met with a very defensive reaction..

Can you not drop in after the meal?

That's a lovely thing to do. My daughter stays with us usually with her hubby for a week or so. She does ask if I want any money but I always say no. They do buy drink and other food during their stay and often treat us for dinner or takeaway

OP I get it and I don't. We have a really tiny family so it never comes up but nevertheless I host at Christmas and we always pay in full. Over 3/4 days the tab is about £500/£600. Others bring wine. But it's never been a problem. Not family, we only have the DC and MIL but other friends mill in and out on 27/28 December and DC have partners now.

OTH we have some friends who now host Christmas - the four of them, the elderly parents, 4 more and 3 more. So a other 9. My friend works out the cost of the meal and asks for a defined Contribution. They provide the wine. I find it a difficult concept but it is fair. Except they are quite wealthy - think a joint income of £200k and numerous buy to let's compared to relays on about £60k. I've heard the sil bitch a bit about how tight the millionaires are but then again nobody else ever offers or takes on the organisation and the graft.

I couldn't do it and I wonder how they can but on the other hand I don't think my friend ever feels unduly put upon.

It's a tough one.

Is this real? People charge others when they invite people to their house. Why would you go? Someone so mean spirited must also be crap company.

I'd not be going and SIl would never be a guest of mine again!

Nope. You are not overthinking this
Some people have one rule for themselves, another for everyone else .
Not a game worth playing. My advice: spend £90 on your own meal and enjoy your own company

@lastqueenofscotland

Depends how many people are going and what’s expected? If 20 people are going and expecting enourmous amounts of “the full works” the cost would be astronomical.

No it doesn't, if you can't afford to host then you don't.

Charging people to come round your house is ludicrous!

Don’t go, blame Covid. Or just tell her straight.

I think more people/families are asking for this type of 'contribution'. My MIL asked us if we wanted to come for Christmas dinner this year & it would be £30 per person! For 4 people that would be £120. I don't spend that much on our dinner and drink and snacky stuff. Told her we'll stay at home.

@daytimecanary

I think more people/families are asking for this type of 'contribution'. My MIL asked us if we wanted to come for Christmas dinner this year & it would be £30 per person! For 4 people that would be £120. I don't spend that much on our dinner and drink and snacky stuff. Told her we'll stay at home.

It's madness that people are charging their families. If you can't afford it don't offer to host. I'd rather someone say shall we have food/dinner at ours but all contribute with a course or get takeaway and you just pay for yourself. Charging those sort of prices you're just trying to profit from your own family. Maybe suggest next time your MIL comes to yours she stumps up for any tea or coffee she consumes!

The meal contribution is 45, then travel expenses on top- about 20.

The travel expenses are not part of it really.

£45 per person or per couple?

@daytimecanary

I think more people/families are asking for this type of 'contribution'. My MIL asked us if we wanted to come for Christmas dinner this year & it would be £30 per person! For 4 people that would be £120. I don't spend that much on our dinner and drink and snacky stuff. Told her we'll stay at home.

I can see how it would be £120 in total. I mean, you could also do it for less. But if everyone is drinking then with expensive things like that and cake and cheeseboard and meat then it soon adds up.

Sorry that's really cheeky. You offer to host you provide the food!