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Original poster

Paying per head for Xmas dinner at sil house

285 replies

Michellexxx · 13/12/2021 18:21

We’re going for a ‘second Xmas’ at sisters house. They have requested that we each pay per head for the meal.. we have hosted about 3 Tim’s before and they have brought a course/bottle/maybe offered 20 quid one year. But if we don’t eat the cheese/drink the wine they brought, they took it home.
It’s been calculated that the family coming will basically pay for the food part and they’re gonna pay for extras..

It’s a relatively far drive and we’ve never charged like this- even when they stayed at ours and had all their meals here!

I have already suggested it’s a bit much for some family who are travelling. The hosts earn reasonably well, so I don’t understand this! We’re having to pay £45 to travel 2 hours and obv most people won’t be able to drink because they’re driving!

Am I over thinking this?

OP posts:
Bigboysmademedoit · 14/12/2021 22:03

You’ve decided to go and I understand that - so take the £45 but nothing else eg food, wine, any ‘extras’ you’d usually provide. Obviously presents remain the same but if you’re being charged then you go otherwise empty handed.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 14/12/2021 22:04

Contributions to the food? Fine
Bring a bottle or two? Fine
Chipping in for food to be ordered in? Fine
Charging guests? Weird, tacky and rude

Starcup · 14/12/2021 22:11

I don’t understand why people invite family/friends then request payment. If you s by afford to provide then don’t offer…. It’s just weird.

I also don’t understand why people accept these offers then complain about it. Don’t accept the invite.

What’s wrong with taking a bootie off wine, desert, cheese or snacks etc?!

Tonkatol · 14/12/2021 23:09

Whilst I totally agree, from what has been written, that OPs SIL is bang out of order, some of these comments are quite mean. We aren't very well off, particularly since I can't work through disability, but we hosted my DF and DB for many years. DF would always pay for the turkey with some extra cash thrown in, DB would pay for desserts and would bring a case of beer and we would do the rest. This would normally be for Christmas Day and Boxing Day. DH and I had more room, had children and it worked better for everyone to be in our home, but my DB and DF recognised we couldn't afford the cost of the extra treats that are around over Christmas so were happy to contribute and not have to cook. Just because you don't have a great deal of money doesn't mean you shouldn't want to spend special occasions with others.

My in-laws were very different. We had the larger space downstairs for family gatherings and so it usually came down to us to host (not that there were too many gatherings). They did bring a few extras with them, but never offered beforehand, so I couldn't rely on them bringing, for example, a dessert. They didn't usually bring alcohol and one thing I still can't get used to is they would often bring chocolates - either a tin of Celebrations or a box of wrapped chocolates - however, said chocolates were always opened and some taken out before the remainder given to us!!

My SIL was a real CF and used to make me laugh - she was fond of hosting BBQs in the summer - for birthdays or just for get-togethers. She would invite loads of people and told them to bring their own meat and alcohol and she would supply the salads - I learned after the first time not to bother taking anything special - you invariably got served a cheap sausage and burger as "there's no point cooking more at the moment - the quality meat would feed her family another day!!

Drivingslowtosavefuel · 14/12/2021 23:10

I keep reading about more and more families charging for Xmas on mumsnet. Just get people to bring a dish or a bottle each to share costs if it’s pricey for the hosts; this paying hard cold cash business is horrible. Everyone being invited to paying affairs like this needs to decline every time so this doesn’t become a thing!

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/12/2021 23:12

Think I may be missing something.

You’ve been invited for Christmas dinner but you’re expected to pay?

What?!

Stay home and enjoy your day.

Mamanyt · 14/12/2021 23:25

This sounds perfectly reasonable...for a group of friends or for work collegues. It sounds perfectly bizarre for a family meal.

Gbtch · 14/12/2021 23:32

Don’t go.

Shakirawannabe · 15/12/2021 00:12

Send her an invoice for the previous years she has been to your house, charge for the food and the night they stayed over.
If she says anything reply' I thought that's what you wanted? Let me know if I've missed anything off.'
She will change her mind sharpish about charging you!

repottingthescabious · 15/12/2021 01:17

@Michellexxx I was reminded of your thread today when the Salvation Army Christmas Appeal advert came on the tv.

£19 pays for someone's Christmas dinner at The Salvation Army
£29.06 pays for someone's Christmas dinner at Crisis
£45 Christmas dinner at your in laws

caringcarer · 15/12/2021 02:08

I would decline invite and say guests don't pay. Your sister is very rude. You will be better off staying at home and being able to drink.

Harmonypuss · 15/12/2021 02:24

£45 per head? At a family member's house? No way!
Depending on where you are in the country I'm sure you could get the full works at a pub or restaurant for about that.
My son and partner are going to a restaurant in Birmingham city centre on xmas day and it's only costing them £42 per head!

GrannytoaUnicorn · 15/12/2021 02:59

@Michellexxx Just say "Well of course we don't need to pay as we've had you to stay at Christmas 2019 (or whatever year it was) and provided all meals. So shall we firm up arrangements on Christmas Eve?!"

Arieliwish · 15/12/2021 05:04

OP your SIL was very defensive when you brought it up as she knows she’s in the wrong but is a CF! I’d take a tenner and leave it as that. Make sure you don’t take anything extra at all!

timeisnotaline · 15/12/2021 06:24

Ok, so you’re going, and they used to stay the night at yours. Why don’t you stay the night at theirs - then you’re not driving home that night either! You and dh can play see a bottle, open it Grin And especially make sure any food or bottles people have brought get shared around. ‘Oh John wheres that red you brought in? That will be just the thing with the roast / are lunch chocolates! No sit down I’ll open it’

Circlesandtriangles · 15/12/2021 06:42

Gosh that sounds really naff, I can't imagine having to pay family for a Christmas dinner like a transaction. So much better if they ask you to bring dessert or wine, feels weird asking for cash

Bobbins36 · 15/12/2021 07:00

Get that they may be strapped of cash, and that’s fine. A classier way to do this is to ask everyone to bring a dish or provide a bottle though. Usually no one offended by that.

Dibbydoos · 15/12/2021 07:19

Why have some people become money grabbing twits?

I would be upfront and say we're not paying, I'll bring the desserts and wine.

We're going to my sisters and have been told me not to bring anything! I've bought a ferreo rocher mountain and a huge chocolate wreath to take with us cos I couldn't rock up empty handed...

Alwayscheerful · 15/12/2021 08:23

Who needs a second Christmas dinner, Meet up for lunch instead.

mummyruby · 15/12/2021 10:23

I have a huge family that get together art Xmas. We couldn't all get together on Christmas day last year and it was so boring. We always chip in. Christmas cooking and preparation is a lot of work. We only buy presents for the little ones though so I see our contribution to the food and drink as money that I would have been spent anyway on lots of generic gifts. (I wouldn't go to someone's house for dinner and not bring a gift otherwise). If host makes a profit but did a great job, them they deserve the extra. Also should say, we rotate each year. I don't understand why people quibble so much over Christmas.

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 15/12/2021 12:25

I have read a few threads about hosts charging guests for food and drink and it horrifies me! I would never dream of asking for monetary payments for a meal I was cooking for guests. If they ask of they can bring anything eg drink or dessert I may or may not accept, but if I am entertaining, the costs are predominantly mine.

Zipper666 · 15/12/2021 15:57

I've noticed a rise in "come and eat and pay for it" invitations recently. It can't just be an economic thing, can it?
It would never occur to me issue such an invitation.

WimpoleHat · 15/12/2021 18:06

@Zipper666

I've noticed a rise in "come and eat and pay for it" invitations recently. It can't just be an economic thing, can it? It would never occur to me issue such an invitation.
I think what’s different about Christmas is that it isn’t always on an “invitation” basis - there are huge expectations around who, when, where and what is served. So it is a different kettle of fish from “come to dinner on Saturday”. If, like my friend, you’re the person everyone descends upon, then it is an enormous expense. And it’s not always practical for someone to cart a turkey on the train from Newcastle to Birmingham. And if the person bringing the turkey is delayed or ill on the day, what happens then? Her family think it’s easier for her to stick the order in and they all chip in so that she’s not left with a grocery bill of half her monthly salary.
whichusernamethough · 15/12/2021 22:33

Unless they're hard up it's fucking weird.

LookItsMeAgain · 15/12/2021 22:45

@Michellexxx

Also, I did say something and I was met with a very defensive reaction..
Do you mind me asking what you said (you don't have to say word for word) and what sort of defensive reaction you received?

You don't have to visit them for Christmas Dinner, you could always visit on Boxing Day instead and just enjoy your own dinner in your own house

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