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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying per head for Xmas dinner at sil house

285 replies

Michellexxx · 13/12/2021 18:21

We’re going for a ‘second Xmas’ at sisters house. They have requested that we each pay per head for the meal.. we have hosted about 3 Tim’s before and they have brought a course/bottle/maybe offered 20 quid one year. But if we don’t eat the cheese/drink the wine they brought, they took it home.
It’s been calculated that the family coming will basically pay for the food part and they’re gonna pay for extras..

It’s a relatively far drive and we’ve never charged like this- even when they stayed at ours and had all their meals here!

I have already suggested it’s a bit much for some family who are travelling. The hosts earn reasonably well, so I don’t understand this! We’re having to pay £45 to travel 2 hours and obv most people won’t be able to drink because they’re driving!

Am I over thinking this?

OP posts:
tallduckandhandsome · 13/12/2021 20:04

Then they’ll buy some booze, but only 4 people (2 hosts) will actually be drinking.

Sorry but if you're going to pay that amount to basically subsidise the hosts to drink and then also host these people every year from next year as per the norm then you are a mug and I don't see why you even started this thread.

Feetupteashot · 13/12/2021 20:04

Absolutely do not go and get a mega takeaway instead!

Howshouldibehave · 13/12/2021 20:06

If they’ve done it before, I would have assumed they’d do it again and I wouldn’t agree to going.

JudgeJ · 13/12/2021 20:06

@HollowTalk

Ask them why the rules are changing now that they are hosting.
Is this behaviour a relatively new thing, it seems to have cropped up a lot the last few years? We often have people to stay, sometimes too long (!) but I would never dream of asking them to pay. They will sometimes buy a meal out and will usually bring wine or goodies but it's never expected.
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/12/2021 20:09

If you're just going to be a mug, that's fine.

But I would struggle with this. You don't charge and they do? Nope, sorry, I'd be saying something.

Peas252 · 13/12/2021 20:10

Tell her to get on mumsnet, so she can learn how to make that turkey crown stretch to 50 guests.

Lovelymincepies · 13/12/2021 20:10

I would go visit but not for dinner, that’s bloody rude.

I’d also be pointing out how often you’ve hosted and never charged them. I detest cheeky fuckers!!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/12/2021 20:11

I think it would be fine if it was a joint decide or what had been done at other houses, eg “let’s have Christmas at x house this year and we’ll all chip in £45”. So not like being invited and then charged.

It is rude because you’ve hosted them many times and not asked for payment. And even more so because it looks like they’re getting a free ride - what are these “extras” the hosts will so kindly provide? Is it the booze that only they will be drinking?

TheCreamCaker · 13/12/2021 20:12

I wouldn't go.

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 13/12/2021 20:12

For me, it depends what they'll be serving.

3 courses and alcohol? Yes, it's fair to split the cost.

A buffet or one course and everyone brings alcohol? No.

I would just say things are a bit tight atm and can you bring a course instead

AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 13/12/2021 20:13

I have come to the conclusion, after reading many threads of this type on MN, that the host/ess is free to say exactly what their expectations are eg, no children at a wedding, dogs forbidden etc and that guests are free to decline invitations.

Beautiful3 · 13/12/2021 20:15

£45 each!!! I'd rather go to a restaurant! I wouldn't go. Just say, no thanks! Always think it's rude when you've hosted for free, and they ask for payment!

WellLarDeDar · 13/12/2021 20:17

I would never ever ask anyone to pay for dinner at mine. When I've hosted my family for Xmas they've automatically contributed without being asked, it's a group effort like one person brings the turkey someone else brings a ham sort of thing. Though DHs family... Not to much, but I'd never ask.

Nancydrawn · 13/12/2021 20:17

It's horrifically rude.

Unless there's an outside reason (someone's been ill or made redundant or is quite young/old), then it's never, ever acceptable to ask for payment for hosting. In fact, in those cases I would hope that the family would offer to cover the bills without being asked, so there still wouldn't be a reason to ask for actual payment.

Now, if she wanted to make it pot luck and assign everyone to bring a dish, that would be fine--convivial, even. But actual cash? No.

Ourlady · 13/12/2021 20:18

If you're happy to be taken advantage of (again!) then just go.
You were always going to pay and go so I don't understand why you ask for opinions when you already know they are being tight gets?
Personally I would ask why you have to pay to go to her Xmas dinner but they don't offer to pay when they come to yours.

HeronLanyon · 13/12/2021 20:19

I’ve never heard of family charging family. Totally get if you can’t afford it then either invite fewer or everyone just. Food/drink organised before with host. But to charge family cash ?!
Hmmm

maconandmacorons · 13/12/2021 20:21

I've read a few of these threads over the years and I always assumed they were made up but I met a friend through the children this year and her MIL does this.

You're a guest. If you invite people to your house/event, you cater for them. Your in laws are rude and awful and I'd just flat out refuse. It's so cringey and tight it makes my ears hurt. If they can't afford to host, they shouldn't invite people.

heymammy · 13/12/2021 20:25

Very bad form tbh to charge family for a meal unless it's the way it's always done - which it clearly isn't in your case!

Just don't xfer the money Wink are they ballsy enough to call you out? I'd have a measured response ready.

Makewomenfemaleagain · 13/12/2021 20:25

Awfully rude and cringeworthy.

Sparklybanana · 13/12/2021 20:26

Nope. Unless they are clearly much less well off and wanted to return the mental load of hosting. If they can afford it then just laugh and say the contribution is doing for the last few years and it'll be nice to have the night off!

HopefulHetty · 13/12/2021 20:30

I'd be tempted to go, eat in a restaurant even McDonald's, then drop in with my box of baking to offer round. And have a lovely meet up.

woodhill · 13/12/2021 20:30

@Michellexxx

They have done this before but didn’t ask for quite as much. It was a number of years ago. But the Turkey wasn’t cooked properly so everyone left after having a slice of beef and some veg..they apparently lived off Turkey curry etc for weeks 🙄 I just find it quite rude too!
What do other family members think, it's such a cheek.

I wouldn't get them any gifts either, they don't deserve it

Puffinhead · 13/12/2021 20:34

@HollowTalk

Ask them why the rules are changing now that they are hosting.
Exactly this.
Disfordarkchocolate · 13/12/2021 20:35

@JadeSeahorse

It would be a “No thanks” from me.

If I’m spending £45 on food alone then I much prefer to choose my own and enjoy it in the comfort of my own home.

YADN overthinking this!

Me too
Sceptre86 · 13/12/2021 20:41

I find this such an alien concept and wouldn't go. You simply don't invite more people than you can afford to feed. Surely as guests you would bring something eg. wine, flowers a dessert and pitch in with the cleaning anyway? I guess it depends on how much you enjoy their company and if it's worth it for peace.

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