Paying per head for Xmas dinner at sil house

[Michellexxx]

We’re going for a ‘second Xmas’ at sisters house. They have requested that we each pay per head for the meal.. we have hosted about 3 Tim’s before and they have brought a course/bottle/maybe offered 20 quid one year. But if we don’t eat the cheese/drink the wine they brought, they took it home.
It’s been calculated that the family coming will basically pay for the food part and they’re gonna pay for extras..

It’s a relatively far drive and we’ve never charged like this- even when they stayed at ours and had all their meals here!

I have already suggested it’s a bit much for some family who are travelling. The hosts earn reasonably well, so I don’t understand this! We’re having to pay £45 to travel 2 hours and obv most people won’t be able to drink because they’re driving!

Am I over thinking this?

If you can't afford to host, you don't host. It's mean.

It won't happen in our family. You'd have to prise the oven gloves from BiL's hands; we'll be allocated supporting roles, and will bring nice wine.

;;

If people have the room others don't have but... Are cash short I can imagine a discussion, hate to charge but we are a little short this year, happy to host if people can chip in? Bring food or wine or cash.

We were thinking of... X y.. Z.. Happy to do something else.

Or if it was immediate family and they were struggling I would hope they would simply say and then we all chip in to help them out!

However... People who are OK and start "monitoring" things... Watching... Sip wine wondering if the can leave with their bottle in tact, watching who eats their cheese etc drains all the joy out for me.
I can't relax around people like that it really affects me it's just so incredibly tight.

Your sister charging money to eat at her house? That is not normal. If you can't afford it, don't host.

@HeronLanyon

I’ve never heard of family charging family. Totally get if you can’t afford it then either invite fewer or everyone just. Food/drink organised before with host. But to charge family cash ?! Hmmm

I haven't in real life but I've read about it loads on here, it comes up every year so must be quite common

I do have a bit of sympathy for hosts, if someone is happy to do all the shopping, prep, cooking, washing up and general running around but can't afford to splash out for a meal several people I don't think in principle asking for a contribution is always rude.

If they don’t pay when they come to you, and take food back, they shouldn't expect you to pay if you go to theirs.

I wouldn’t go to any family that would expect me to pay, I would happily take a dessert, wine, whatever but no money

I wouldn’t be going and would tell them it’s to help them keep costs down
I also wouldn’t be inviting them to mine anymore

Did you post about this a while ago?

I think you have to call it out, in the family WhatsApp group.

Say "Don't be ridiculous. You came to us last time, and, as hosts we paid for everything (except the cheese that you took home) so on the year we come to you, then surely it is your turn to treat everyone ?"

Is possible, get the other people going to say the same or back you up if it is a family group, or to send the same text if it is by text.

If they say something about not being able to afford it, then you can say that "you will put in a bill for when you hosted them, and then they will cancel each other out"

I understand you want to see people and spend Christmas together, but it isn't going to be very enjoyable if you are all sitting there resenting it.

Just say £45 per head is too much. I will pay the without alcohol price and you will tell me how you are calculating ot. Plus I didn't charge you to eat at my house x y and z times. She's your sister surely you can say what's what to her.

Can you not suggest you’ll host as “ you feel bad they can’t afford to host properly”. Or just say you’ll bring your own food as you’ll love to see everyone but as you have a long drive and can’t drink it’s not worth spending the same as dinner out.

Be as cheeky as they are.

From the last message of yours it sounds like you're going to pay but I'd at least let them ask for it after the meal then tell them you're even as they've never paid to eat at yours and so you've accepted this meal as a back payment of sorts.

Ask for a breakdown of the invoice and when it is sent dispute how many slices of meat you had and that you left a Yorkshire and a couple of roasties so can they discount and re issue the invoice.

Oh for goodness sake, just tell them you are not paying when you have hosted them for free in previous years and you have no intention of being ripped off by them. They are cheeky freeloading bastards. I wouldn't go.

So rude. I wouldn't even think of making someone pay for a dinner I was hosting - not past my poor student years anyway!

You need to be straight. I'd respond with something like "thanks for the invite but I'm surprised at the need to pay per head. We've never asked you to contribute financially when we're hosting."

Surely the norm is for guests to bring a bottle/dish/pudding to be polite and as a thanks

If you're going to just suck it up, then there was no point in starting a thread!

I also can't believe she's come to yours before and then taken the food she bought home with her!!!

It’s weird. If you can’t afford to pay for it all (fair enough) then it needs to be a collective decision on whether it’s a pot luck or a kitty.

You don’t sound you want to drive for miles to be charged for a second Christmas dinner (who would?) so don’t. Covid is your friend, in this instance.

My SIL charged us £100 per family a few years ago when she hosted. For myself, husband and 2 children. Just for the mains. No alcohol provided and we had to bring our own pud. It was a disaster and never to be repeated again. I would decline if I were you. I don't usually mind chipping in, we would offer..but to be told its going to cost you X amount to eat with us...its pretty rude and we haven't had a lot to do with SIL since. Definitely not overthinking it. Its pretty cheeky to ask. If you are hosting, ask people to bring their own alcohol or everyone bring a side dish or something to help out. Charging per head is ick.

* No, you're not overthinking - its rude. I think you should point out to your sister that you haven't ever charged her and basically say what you've said on this thread. I would offer to bring a pudding or something, same as she has done at yours.*

^This. Thankfully I don’t know anyone who would pull a stunt like this.

I'd be sending her a message telling her to take it out if what she owes you for when you hosted Christmas lunch and had her stay - you should be still owed several more free lunches with those calculations? And of course you will need to charge her for next year's Christmas lunch as well, "shall we say the same amount as you're charging then, sis? "

In that situation I replied with "I'll bring the same as you brought last year-a pan of vegetables".

It was extra cheeky as when they'd come to us for Christmas the previous year we'd only seen them that day. That year they were coming to us for Boxing day and there was no suggestion that they'd go halves, or even bring something for that.

Well it's not really 'hosting' dinner is it. It's a dinner in exchange for money. I find the whole charging thing REALLY strange.

I would pay and go tbh.
It saves me a load of trouble and someone else is cooking, excellent!! I'd be taking some cheese home though!🤣🤣

I have a house full of leftovers after Christmas day: I don't NEED anyone cooking for me at that stage!

I have a house full of leftovers after Christmas day: I don't NEED anyone cooking for me at that stage!