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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I'm in love with a man I have known for a month - is this possible or AIBU?

143 replies

The4thThe5th · 13/12/2021 00:32

I met a guy on tinder on 15th November. We instantly clicked and began messaging back and forth like crazy. Met for the first time on 19th November and it just felt incredibly natural, as though we had been together forever. Since then we have both said that we have fallen in love and we are talking about living together, discussing spending our lives together. (No immediate plans to live together mind you, I'm not that crazy! But maybe by this time next year or a little later.) He makes me laugh so much, we get on so well, talk for an hour or more every night and the sex is amazing.

My AIBU is, am I crazy to feel this way? Can it be real? Has anyone had a relationship like this which has lasted the distance - or equally, have you had one that started like this but then reality hit? It all seems so wonderful but I feel as though there must be a catch somehow.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/12/2021 00:36

This has to be at least the 4th thread tonight from name changers asking for stories.

I'm going to assume you're an adult and that you know you're rushing into things and should therefore be cautious.

Original poster
The4thThe5th · 13/12/2021 00:40

Thanks Worra, you're right that I'm a name changer but I have been here years, maybe 10 years I think? It's not so much that I'm asking for stories; I just want some thoughts from people on an anonymous forum about this situation, because it's new to me. I'm usually pretty cautious and so I'm trying to be cautious now, but it almost feels as though there is no point being cautious because it's all so amazing. But that feeling freaks me out a bit! So,I just wanted some input really

OP posts:
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 13/12/2021 00:41

You don't know him, you know the person he wants you to see.

He may be lovely, or he may be putting on a show.

That's why you shouldn't rush into anything at all for at least 18 months-2 years.

SleepyMathematician · 13/12/2021 00:42

I don’t think YABU if you exercise caution. As long as you don’t rush into getting married next week, no reason why you can’t let yourself feel this way.

I felt like this from the start with DH. I knew from the minute I started going out with him he was going to be the one. He asked me to marry him after 3 weeks, which is cited as a big red flag on here. I told him to ask again after 6 months but I did know I’d stay with him, even at that point. Well within 2 years of meeting we were married and had had DD1. We are still together and I still adore him nearly 30 years later. So yes, I felt like you and so did he, and yes, it’s lasted the distance.

WorraLiberty · 13/12/2021 00:43

OK, but I hope neither of you have kids.

If you're both free in that sense then just enjoy, but don't do anything rash like getting married or living together just yet.

Original poster
The4thThe5th · 13/12/2021 00:44

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

You don't know him, you know the person he wants you to see.

He may be lovely, or he may be putting on a show.

That's why you shouldn't rush into anything at all for at least 18 months-2 years.

I think this is interesting, and I take your point, but I don't feel as though I am putting on a persona myself at all. I don't think I could do that..it seems as though the mask would slip given the amount of time we are spending together and talking. So how could he be showing me only what he wants me to see?
OP posts:
changenametopost · 13/12/2021 00:44

You can have a wonderful romantic intense love affair (if no DCs) but it doesn't mean it's real

Real is lasting and taking time to get to know someone. If it is meant to be and REAL it will last test of time so don't hurry

DeclareThePenniesOnYourEyes · 13/12/2021 00:46

Me and my now husband moved it together six weeks after getting together. We got together about six weeks after meeting. We were married 15 months after we met and had a baby 2yrs and 5 days after our initial meeting.

Worked for us (so far, it’s been a couple of decades) but looking back it was a bit bananas and if my daughter did it I’d be really worried for her. Especially as we were only 22 and 24, it wasn’t necessary for her to move as quickly as we did. We just always say it was love at first sight. The sex was amazing though, can’t have hurt our “star crossed lovers” feelings 😂

Good luck, I hope it works out for you @The4thThe5th

changenametopost · 13/12/2021 00:46

Wait at least 2 years dating and then see how you feel as that's real (not LDR but actually regular dates and getting up know each others' families and friends..)

DeclareThePenniesOnYourEyes · 13/12/2021 00:46

*us not her

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 13/12/2021 00:50

So how could he be showing me only what he wants me to see?

Some men find it easy.

They charm you, they love bomb you, they take up all your time so everyone else just slips away, then their real self comes out.

It happened to me, the intense and quick relationship you have, I got pregnant and we got married within a year, everything was fine, then the abuse started about 2 years in. WA said this is really common.

Hopefully your guy is amazing, but be cautious.

accidentlygothereagain · 13/12/2021 00:50

YANBU. If you click you click. I met my partner online last year, everything happened very quickly and we fell in love instantly. and despite the fertility issues I have I then feel pregnant within a few months of us being together. We now have a baby and are happier than ever, what will be will be.

For reference, we matched October last year.

ShinyHappyPoster · 13/12/2021 00:51

There's a thread elsewhere on here with someone explaining exactly how this can go wrong. It might be worth a read.
It's very easy for people to project fantasy figures in the early months of a relationship and to concoct dream futures.

Original poster
The4thThe5th · 13/12/2021 00:51

He has met my dad (whom I live with at the moment to look after him for various reasons) and I am meeting his brother next week (his mum and dad have both passed away). He seems very serious about me..what would be the reason for someone to act like this if they were not serious? It can't just be for sex as we have met up 5 times and only had sex twice.

OP posts:
TisTheSeasonToBeVegan · 13/12/2021 00:52

You can’t possibly know someone well in such a short time. You don’t know how he reacts in certain situations, what he’s like under stress, how he treats people, his views on lots of things etc.

He may turn out to be lovely but let it play out, no need to rush and certainly to early to say you love him, as there will be so much you don’t know about him.

All my relationships were amazing a month in.

WorraLiberty · 13/12/2021 00:53

You've only been together five minutes, so of course you're only showing one another the best, although not on purpose.

You never truly know someone unless you fall out with them a few times and see how they and you react to that.

WorraLiberty · 13/12/2021 00:54

Do either of you have kids?

Negligee · 13/12/2021 00:56

No you can’t. The stories from the longterm couples who say ‘yes, it can’ are exhibiting confirmation bias. I’ve been very happily with my now-DH for more than 30 years, having met aged 19, but I’m aware of how little we could possibly have known one another in the first month, or how often teenage relationships last into genuinely fulfilling adult ones.

This may turn out to be a wonderful lifelong relationship or it may not. Time will tell. Don’t do anything irrevocable.

CJsGoldfish · 13/12/2021 00:56

You don't know him so whatever it is you think you're feeling, it isn't love. Hopefully neither of you have children.

Original poster
The4thThe5th · 13/12/2021 00:57

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

So how could he be showing me only what he wants me to see?

Some men find it easy.

They charm you, they love bomb you, they take up all your time so everyone else just slips away, then their real self comes out.

It happened to me, the intense and quick relationship you have, I got pregnant and we got married within a year, everything was fine, then the abuse started about 2 years in. WA said this is really common.

Hopefully your guy is amazing, but be cautious.

See, I have been in this situation before, but looking back there were red flags from the start. I just can't see any red flags here. He just seems like a nice, normal guy. His last relationship was 8 years and ended because they had become more like friends apparently. I can see evidence of lots of the stuff he has told me about his past on his Facebook feed. I have had a few shitty experiences in my life so I'm very alert to anything that might indicate abuse or control and this seems the opposite- he is a feminist, a liberal (again all supported by his Facebook feed). I know Facebook isn't necessarily real but maybe he really just is a nice guy who loves me?
OP posts:
Original poster
The4thThe5th · 13/12/2021 00:59

He doesn't have kids. I have a little girl who is 2. This is why I am wanting to be cautious.

OP posts:
VioletRose91 · 13/12/2021 01:00

If you have only met 5 times I’d guess you just fancy the pants off each other it’s just a spark/the excitement.

Original poster
The4thThe5th · 13/12/2021 01:02

@VioletRose91

If you have only met 5 times I’d guess you just fancy the pants off each other it’s just a spark/the excitement.
That's true, we do, but it really feels like more than that. Could you sustain a conversation every night for an hour with someone for whom your attraction was purely physical? I don't think I could.
OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/12/2021 01:02

@The4thThe5th

He doesn't have kids. I have a little girl who is 2. This is why I am wanting to be cautious.
Good.

Be cautious then.

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