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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I'm in love with a man I have known for a month - is this possible or AIBU?

143 replies

The4thThe5th · 13/12/2021 00:32

I met a guy on tinder on 15th November. We instantly clicked and began messaging back and forth like crazy. Met for the first time on 19th November and it just felt incredibly natural, as though we had been together forever. Since then we have both said that we have fallen in love and we are talking about living together, discussing spending our lives together. (No immediate plans to live together mind you, I'm not that crazy! But maybe by this time next year or a little later.) He makes me laugh so much, we get on so well, talk for an hour or more every night and the sex is amazing.

My AIBU is, am I crazy to feel this way? Can it be real? Has anyone had a relationship like this which has lasted the distance - or equally, have you had one that started like this but then reality hit? It all seems so wonderful but I feel as though there must be a catch somehow.

OP posts:
DontWantTheRivalry · 13/12/2021 06:20

I met my now husband via online dating.

We met 4 days after I first messaged him and we were living together four months later.

We’ve now been together 11 years, married for 8 of them and we have two lovely children.

Sometimes you just know.

EIIa · 13/12/2021 06:20

You have a child OP

You don’t get to be rash or spontaneous sadly

You have to take things slowly, anything else is not on

DeadButDelicious · 13/12/2021 06:33

I was living with my now husband after a month. We met, clicked and then spent near enough every day together. After 6 months we were engaged, after 2 years we were married. We've been together for 17 years now. So yes, I do believe that you can know very early on.

That said, we were 19 and 22, no kids, it was just us. We spent literally all our time together, it was a bit like a crash course in getting to know someone, not that I would say now as an adult, with the benefit of 17 years of hindsight, that I knew him half as well as I thought I did but the only people getting hurt would have been us. You have met this guy in person 5 times and have a child to think of. In your case I would exercise an abundance of caution and take things very, very slowly.

Panicmode1 · 13/12/2021 06:37

My parents met 3 times before getting engaged and married within a year. They have just celebrated their golden wedding. It is rare, but can happen!

MyOtherProfile · 13/12/2021 06:38

@Panicmode1

My parents met 3 times before getting engaged and married within a year. They have just celebrated their golden wedding. It is rare, but can happen!
Why though? Why did they only meet 3 times?
ILoveAnOwl · 13/12/2021 06:42

My stbxh and I were like this. Turns out he was a massive narcassist and this is typical narcassistic love bombing behaviour. It could be true love, it could be the beginning of a horribly abusive relationship. So enjoy the moment, but proceed with caution...

Panicmode1 · 13/12/2021 06:45

My father was in the military and was away a lot.

(My mother was in a flatshare at uni with my father's sister, so there was a connection and she'd met my grandparents before she met my father. When she went down to stay with my aunt for a weekend, my father was home, and they describe it as a total coup de foudre. After meeting twice more, they got engaged, he went to sea for 6 months and arrived back 3 weeks before the wedding!! They both now admit it was bonkers, but it worked for them and they have been blissfully happy for 50 yrs so far).

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 13/12/2021 06:51

When I was 21 and young/naive, I had a whirlwind romance like this. We really really thought we were in love. After 3 months I had given into the idea of quitting my job snd going abroad to live with him. Of course he got cold feet and dumped me. He then returned a few months later to say he couldn’t live without me/got scared. Guess what? Happened again. Lesson learnt. Some men do this sort of thing - read “Ghosts” by Dolly Alderton.

Anyway this is moot for you. You have a 2 year old so wtf are you doing? How are you even finding the time to see this guy so frequently? Concentrate on your daughter, put dating on the back burner snd chill out.

Anomelettefortheroad · 13/12/2021 06:54

Has he met your dd op?

Bobbinatomic · 13/12/2021 06:57

I can only speak from experience. No matter how much you think you know him, you don’t.

I got caught up in a grand love affair and within weeks we were planning a baby. In line with our great, romantic story, I got pregnant after the second month of trying. I gave birth 13 months after our first date.

WTF was I thinking. He turned out to be a bellend. I’m a dick too for buying into the bullshit.

Take your time. Especially as you’ve already got a child.

StormyTeacups · 13/12/2021 07:03

Dh and I were married within 18 months and living together in under a year. When we first got together it wasn't fireworks, more a "ah yes, there you are. Can't see us breaking up."

But, we had known each other vaguely at a distance for a while through friends/work, he lived with people I had known for years. The broader group, including these friends that he lived with had known each other and/or worked together for years and they all spoke highly of him. I had no children to consider and was financially independent.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 13/12/2021 07:06

it just feels right

Yeah, and so did most of my relationships after only 1 month, a few phone calls, and 5 dates! Let's put it this way, very few lasted more than 3 months, the time I figure was when we stopped minding our Ps and Qs as much. A few lasted longer but less than 2 years, the longest being a LTR which kept the honeymoon period artificially long for us. Now I look back at those wonderful heady early days and see them for what they really were, not thinking it was "love", because it certainly wasn't.

Emerald5hamrock · 13/12/2021 07:09

You have a child, you don't get the luxury of being this naïve.
This.

Rosiiiiie · 13/12/2021 10:33

Some guys are just nice guys! I’m not sure why so many women don’t believe that. Go with your gut OP 😊

Darkpheonix · 13/12/2021 10:41

@Rosiiiiie

Some guys are just nice guys! I’m not sure why so many women don’t believe that. Go with your gut OP 😊
Being a nice person doesn't mean you are long term compatible with everyone.

He may be a genuinely nice person. Op has no clue. But there's still a decent chance, that after a few months, when the excitement has worn off that, they may just not be right for eachother.

Being nice, isn't all it takes to make a relationship to work.

SomethingBeginningWithX · 13/12/2021 10:42

Just try to enjoy it, not overthink it, just take it at a sensible pace and think if your DC's best interests. Fingers crossed it does work out for you and you have found true love.

I am a 'love at first sight' type as DH and I pretty much knew when we met that we would be together, however we were young and had no kids and no responsibilities etc. We just fell head over heels quickly and it has thankfully lasted. If I were single again now with kids, I don't think I'd be doing the same again.

gannett · 13/12/2021 10:43

Don't overthink it (but don't commit to anything big).

You're in the honeymoon phase. Enjoy it! It's meant to be fun. Try living in the moment rather than trying to forecast whether this means it's the "real thing". There's no way to tell. Some spectacular first months fizzle out and some turn into lifelong relationships.

Enjoy the feelings, enjoy that it's positive so far, be careful with rushing into rash decisions.

I personally could not imagine being so certain of anyone in only a month (it took YEARS for me to be able to commit to DP) but I am someone who's very cautious with my heart.

Bagamoyo1 · 13/12/2021 10:45

OP no one can tell you how this will end. We all know stories of intense relationships that seemed amazing at first but then completely crashed. And also we all know stories of people who moved in together after a couple of dates and are still in love 30 years later. It's impossible to know at this stage which yours will be.

But you have a young child, so you don't have the luxury of diving straight in and taking crazy chances. You have no choice but to take it slowly and let it evolve.

That's not to say you can't be happy and enjoy it. After all, you may have met your soul-mate. This may be the man you grow old with. Just take it slowly and enjoy it, without feeling any need to rush things or over-analyse. If it's meant to be then it will happen, you have plenty of time, no need for declarations of undying love at this early stage.

whereisthekey · 13/12/2021 10:46

how does he handle stress, family fall outs, losing his job, supporting you when you're in hospital, dealing with jealously, you putting on weight and stopping wearing makeup, etc?

.. you don't know him yet to love him.

RobinPenguins · 13/12/2021 10:47

I don’t believe you can really truly love someone after such a short time. That’s not what love means to me. Tread carefully, for your DD’s sake if not your own. Even January 2023 would only mean you’d known each other just over a year, I would still be wary moving in with someone in such a short time because of your young DD.

Aprilx · 13/12/2021 10:50

I experienced something similar with the last man I dated (properly, as in more than a few dates) before I met DH. We declared love within three weeks, planned the future, yes I did too but I think he drove it more.

He was a nice enough guy (until the end which I will come to). No red flags, I am aware he is married with kids now and I believe he would be a good husband and father. I don’t think he lied to me, but I think he got caught up himself and believed it was true love himself. But .. it lasted eight months, at which point he dumped me in an email.

This might turn out to the the real thing, but there is just as much chance it wont. Enjoy it, but keep your feet on the ground.

Risefromthedream · 13/12/2021 10:52

Yes, It’s perfectly plausible you’ve met ‘the one’. I knew from my second date with DH that he was the man I was going to be with forever and he felt same (which I found out months later not then). We still didn’t rush anything even though we were single and in our twenties. We dated, we had holidays together and met friends and family then we moved in together 2 years after we met. We bought a house and got married 3 years after that. Just enjoy dating him and stop making plans for the exact year you’ll move in and other craziness. You have a daughter to consider so grow up and stop acting like you’re a lovesick teenager @The4thThe5th

Merryoldgoat · 13/12/2021 10:54

What do you want from this?

You asked for opinions. Pretty much everyone has said you don’t know him and can’t possibly after 5 meetings, slow down and chill out, it’s moving too quickly for a woman with a small child.

‘But it feels right’

Crack on then but don’t piss about on here if you’re going to just ignore all of the very valid posts.

CounsellorTroi · 13/12/2021 11:00

I rushed things with my DH of 31 years, thinking about it. Got engaged four months after starting to date and married a year after that. But then again he wasn’t someone I’d met online or some random person I’d met in a pub, I’d known him socially for about a year before starting to date as we belonged to the same choir, No one seemed to think we were rushing things at the time.

Be cautious OP, but I hope it works out for you.

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