I think I'm in love with a man I have known for a month - is this possible or AIBU?

[The4thThe5th]

I met a guy on tinder on 15th November. We instantly clicked and began messaging back and forth like crazy. Met for the first time on 19th November and it just felt incredibly natural, as though we had been together forever. Since then we have both said that we have fallen in love and we are talking about living together, discussing spending our lives together. (No immediate plans to live together mind you, I'm not that crazy! But maybe by this time next year or a little later.) He makes me laugh so much, we get on so well, talk for an hour or more every night and the sex is amazing.

My AIBU is, am I crazy to feel this way? Can it be real? Has anyone had a relationship like this which has lasted the distance - or equally, have you had one that started like this but then reality hit? It all seems so wonderful but I feel as though there must be a catch somehow.

See, I think this is why I started the thread, because it does make me worry. But I don't know, it just feels right.

Of course it does! You have just met him, you have a spark and the sex is good. Both of you are making a big effort.

That is very different from living with someone and dealing with day to day problems. Having him around your very small daughter.

Please OP, think about this.

An abusive man lovebombing and your perfect man at this stage might be indistinguishable. That is why you take time to get to know him properly.

If he turns out to be the perfect man and you take your time, you establish a great relationship together and can one day, in a year or two, confidently introduce him into your DD's life knowing it's safe and the relationship is going to be long term.

If you rush and take a chance, it could go either way.

It's all very well posters saying they took those chances when they were single and had no children and it worked out for them. That's great. But for many, many women it didn't and doesn't. And that's even if they did not have a child already.

It seems insane to take this risk for you and your daughter when you don't have to: if he is who you hope he is then it will still work out happily if you take it slowly. So why would you rush and risk yourself and more importantly her?

Are you quite young? I really am not trying to be rude but this all seems very naive if you are a parent and are responsible for a very small child.

@TheNamelessGirl

See, I think this is why I started the thread, because it does make me worry. But I don't know, it just feels right.

Of course it does! You have just met him, you have a spark and the sex is good. Both of you are making a big effort.

That is very different from living with someone and dealing with day to day problems. Having him around your very small daughter.

Please OP, think about this.

An abusive man lovebombing and your perfect man at this stage might be indistinguishable. That is why you take time to get to know him properly.

If he turns out to be the perfect man and you take your time, you establish a great relationship together and can one day, in a year or two, confidently introduce him into your DD's life knowing it's safe and the relationship is going to be long term.

If you rush and take a chance, it could go either way.

It's all very well posters saying they took those chances when they were single and had no children and it worked out for them. That's great. But for many, many women it didn't and doesn't. And that's even if they did not have a child already.

It seems insane to take this risk for you and your daughter when you don't have to: if he is who you hope he is then it will still work out happily if you take it slowly. So why would you rush and risk yourself and more importantly her?

Are you quite young? I really am not trying to be rude but this all seems very naive if you are a parent and are responsible for a very small child.

It doesn’t even have to be an abusive man and a perfect man being indistinguishable at this early stage —it could just be an incompatible man, or someone to whom your attraction doesn’t last after the first flush of excitement and oxytocin. I spent a year in a relationship with someone I thought was perfect for me — by the time I ended things, I’d realised I’d glamourised him. He was a passive, rather weak character once I got to know him better.

There's an article called "love is not enough" that I quite like. It basically says that love doesn't equal compatibility and you have to use your head as well as your heart:

markmanson.net/love

[quote Wagamamasforlunch]There's an article called "love is not enough" that I quite like. It basically says that love doesn't equal compatibility and you have to use your head as well as your heart:

markmanson.net/love[/quote]
Thanks, I just read that article. I agree with it completely. But we just get on so well. It's not just the sex, or the love - we seem to get on really well, like friends. As though we have known each other for ages. It feels really relaxed - not super intense and crazy - but just relaxed and like 'oh right, it's you. You're the person I'm going to be with.'

Yes, the 'real thing' can happen quickly. DH and I fell in love at first sight then got engaged, married, bought a house, and had a child in rapid succession. We've been together over 35 years now.

BUT (and I think this is important) we met through our respective best friends (married couple) and were 'vouched for' to each other by those friends. We felt safe in knowing that our friends wouldn't have introduced us to each other if either of them had felt there were red flags. And our friends knew us, knew our 'life philosophies' and our likes and dislikes and felt we'd 'fit each other'. Because of this, we didn't feel we needed to 'hold back' with each other, if that makes sense, and that allowed us to get close quickly. That's vastly different than meeting some random on the internet about whom you really know nothing. My advice is to back up a little, guard your heart, and try to keep an open mind and open eyes. He may be all he appears (I hope so), but he may not be.

It's great that's it's going well OP. But potentially you're putting him on a bit of a pedestal. There's no need to rush yet. Especially if you've not long come out of a bad relationship.

Given you have a child, you can't possibly be cautious enough. It's wonderful that you're feeling so happy, but I highly recommend you get your head out of the clouds and throw away those rose coloured glasses. Pay attention, slow things way down, and do not ignore your gut feelings should things take a turn.

I wouldn't think you could fall in love so quickly. with a man off a dating site.. Even though you seem to have a great connection at first, you won't truly know the background of a new man and his inner personality, which is most likely to be great in the very early days, but this is nothing to go by , for thinking of plans for the future etc..

what would be the reason for someone to act like this if they were not serious?they may act like this because they ARE serious and want to stay with you and YOU TO STAY WITH THEM

EVERYONE puts on best behaviour initially. You don't really know a person (and imo can't know if you love them) until you properly know them warts and all. I also think going through something stressful reveals true character

It's easy for it to be all champagne and roses and great sex when things are going well

What happens when one of you loses your job? Or becomes disabled? Or is a victim of crime or other disaster?

This applies to friends too of course.

Biochemically the first 18 months Ish we only see the good, the 18 months after that we tend to see all the faults! If a relationship endures THAT then I think it's worth committing

My ex and I were together 3 years before marrying, by which point he had seen me floored by endo, a very bad flu (one of those years where it gets "named"), redundancy, 2 house moves and the loss of a grandparent. I'd seen him through raging with an impacted wisdom tooth on a bank holiday weekend, losing a friend in combat, and him experiencing sexual harassment/discrimination at work. We'd seen each other through a general election where we both had VERY different views (and I discovered he knew sod all about politics!)

These are the times you see true colours, NOT birthdays and dates and dirty weekends away (fun as they are! - except the weekend of the great wisdom tooth disaster for us!)

It's supposed to be all lovely and sexy and romantic at the beginning.

This is not real or sustainable

He doesn't have kids. I have a little girl who is 2. This is why I am wanting to be cautious.

You are right to be VERY cautious

@Negligee thread is one I'm on as is one where the op has had to deal with new boyfriend behaving inappropriately around her 13 year old dd

PLEASE don't be another parent that rushes into a relationship too fast dragging your child into it too

Take it slow, date, DO NOT involve your child too soon (I would say MINIMUM 6 months before you even introduce them usually with such a young child? At least a year!)

Could you sustain a conversation every night for an hour

One hour? Amateurs! I've had a four hour "chat" with my mum today! I'm a typical Weegie blether I can talk to ANYONE for hours

Also - Google limerence

I am talking January 2023

Good grief!!!!

That's only just over a year away and you've just met him 5 times and barely spoke to him! Get a grip!

Also if you have a two year old, is there a chance that this is a rebound relationship?

Excellent point

If he really is a nice guy then there is no harm in taking things slow, if he isn't then you'll be glad you did!

I have a box of crunchy nut cornflakes in my cupboard that I have encountered on more occasions than you’ve met this guy.

I was thinking similar!

Also Google him! Not just Facebook (which he curates)

Why are the younger parents seemingly so insane about this stuff! 3rd thread in 2 days like this!

I have an uncle who married after a month of knowing each other and they've been married 50+ years

i think it is possible. My husband and I fell in love very fast. As did our parents. And my son.

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

So how could he be showing me only what he wants me to see?

Some men find it easy.

They charm you, they love bomb you, they take up all your time so everyone else just slips away, then their real self comes out.

It happened to me, the intense and quick relationship you have, I got pregnant and we got married within a year, everything was fine, then the abuse started about 2 years in. WA said this is really common.

Hopefully your guy is amazing, but be cautious.

This x twice for me will not be a third

moved in, I think within 6 weeks of meeting up, however we also had the benefit of knowing each other from school, although that friendship had faded out. Been together 10 years now

However, I didn't meet his son for I think 2 years, his ex was not comfortable with how fast the relationship moved and he supported her decision 100%

Just slow down and enjoy it OP! Take time frames completely off the table for now. Thinking about a possible date for moving in when you’ve met someone 5 times is way too much, especially since you have a DD- Jan 2023 means you’d have known him a year and with a little one at home that just isn’t long enough to be safe. Of course you’re excited, and it’s human nature to project into the future and daydream about where you might be in a year- but let it stop at the daydream, and get to know this man properly before making any big decisions.

Yeah I was in love within days and we've we've together 12 years in January. But I would say don't move in together straight away. Maybe in a year when you know each other better. We didn't move in together for about 5 years, just saw each other every day, but we were teenagers when we met so I get as an actual adult it must be hard to not just do it. But if you focus on reality, you don't know each other that well and if you want longevity you need to take your time just a bit. I couldn't even fart around my partner for a year, how could you live with someone when youre still in the stage of pretending you don't fart and poo 😂😂.

It's lovely you feel like this but you need to calm down a bit. Enjoy it for now but don't plan ahead yet. Just enjoy the day to day and see how it goes.

And you need to get to know each others friends. That's a big thing. See each other in a normal social context with other people. You can tell a lot about someone from the company they keep and it would be valuable for you each to see what your friends think of each other.

It can happen OP. DH and I felt like that after one week - we'd been long distance for a few months though. On the first day together we booked into a hotel, spent the next week in the hotel room without ever leaving. By the end of that week we'd made plans to move in together, and we did so within a few weeks. Lived together for 5 years, now married for 13 years. It can and does happen - good luck !

Well he could be great or he could be a big bullshitting arsehole. You don't know which and you've a daughter to protect.

So you need to take a step back, calm down and use your head.

If he's great, he'll still be great in two, three, four years. If he's a dickhead, you'll be glad you waited.

OP you're not listening. You keep focusing on how your situation is different. Listen to the advice. You have a child.

Neither of you may be putting on a persona but you will, even unwillingly, only be presenting your best selves. You will also be seeing what you want to see in the other person. Just enjoy it though.

Speaking from personal experience, YANBU. When I met my now husband and twin flame, we were the same! Fell in love almost instantly, spent every day and night together since meeting 3 years ago. We fall in love more every day. We never fight, communicate clearly and honestly, tell each other we love and adore one another every day, fool around like high schoolers and we are currently trying to start up a business together to be able to spend more time together because our free time isn't enough! I wish you both the best. If love is anything, it's everything and true love should never be hard. But always trust your gut.

No it's not possible.

I say this as someone who just 'knew' dp and I would be together within about 15 minutes of us meeting in my friends kitchen. He smiled. I was smitten.

People can say "oh i knew' but they don't. Its coincidence. You meet someone develope strong feelings. You don't know them. You know what side of them they show.

Everyone has the best side of them on show at this point. Then as people become more comfortable the real them comes out.

For those of us, who is worked out for have been lucky. Because our real, everyday personalities are still compatible as they come out. And then actual love develops.

Its not that we actually did know. Or that it was actual love from the start. We had the same feelings that people who get duped have. We have the same feelings that people had, when it's turned into a disaster.

We have the same feelings, that the OP in the thread with the 4 month marriage had. Its just in some cases, it works out. In many more it doesn't.

Even planning on moving in together in 12 months time, when you have a child is insane. I would be concerned, by anyone even entering this conversation after meeting up 5 times. Or maybe even less.

That in itself is a huge red flag. From both of you.

It may work out. The balance of probability says it won't. If its going to work our, it will. So what's the rush?

Nobody wants to be on their own with a 2 year old, so you've already made one "mistake" about a man who you thought you could live with for a long time and it didn't work out. If it hadn't worked with my kids' dad I would quite possibly never be thinking of living with a man again - it's not great to bring new men into the lives of tiny kids.

If I were you I would not be trusting my "instincts", not at all.

It is entirely possible it could be genuine. It happened with me and DH exactly as you describe and we've been happily together getting on for 20 years now. Moved in together after 3 months, engaged within a year. It could equally not be though and really the only way you will find out is to give it time. I'd say proceed with caution but enjoy it.

You have a child, you don't get the luxury of being this naïve.