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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think I'm in love with a man I have known for a month - is this possible or AIBU?

143 replies

The4thThe5th · 13/12/2021 00:32

I met a guy on tinder on 15th November. We instantly clicked and began messaging back and forth like crazy. Met for the first time on 19th November and it just felt incredibly natural, as though we had been together forever. Since then we have both said that we have fallen in love and we are talking about living together, discussing spending our lives together. (No immediate plans to live together mind you, I'm not that crazy! But maybe by this time next year or a little later.) He makes me laugh so much, we get on so well, talk for an hour or more every night and the sex is amazing.

My AIBU is, am I crazy to feel this way? Can it be real? Has anyone had a relationship like this which has lasted the distance - or equally, have you had one that started like this but then reality hit? It all seems so wonderful but I feel as though there must be a catch somehow.

OP posts:

Terribleluck · 13/12/2021 11:01

We fell in love within weeks! We've very happy for the past 4 years and not see any reason to not be this happy for the rest of our lives.

SirChenjins · 13/12/2021 11:07

We got engaged after 6 weeks and that was 27 years ago! I wouldn’t recommend it though, it was very silly in hindsight as you really don’t know the person. We were lucky it worked out

MIL and FIL got engaged after a long weekend and then only saw each other 3 times before their wedding a year later ( he was in the RAF and it was in the 50s). They were very happy together for many years until he died.

I hope it works out for you

galacticpixels · 13/12/2021 11:13

DP and I felt this way about each other immediately. However, having lived together for a few years now, I can say we definitely did not know each other back then. Luckily for us we both still liked the person we got to know, but I can see now how it could easily have gone the other way.

RobotValkyrie · 13/12/2021 11:14

I think you should (re?)watch Frozen, or (re?)read Pride and Prejudices, and have a careful think.

Infatuation at first sight does exist. It can turn into real love over time.
Doesn't mean you should act on it impulsively. Taking things slowly is the best test of whether a relationship is really meant to be.

And remember plenty of abusive relationships started just the way you described.

Apiddleawiddle · 13/12/2021 11:19

Me and my oh (of 8 and half years, engaged, 2 kids) met online playing a game. We fell in love with each other within weeks. He was the first one to say it, sadly I was in an abusive marriage and anytime I tried to leave the ex threatened to kill himself and would lock himself in bathroom with a knife. 6 months later he cheated and left me and while devastating due to the abuse I had suffered at his hand (strangled me telling me he was going to kill me coz he lost his phone and determined I had it), it was a relief and my current oh came to visit me for the first time the following weekend. It was awesome. It has been a long and hard road since as I have cptsd as a result of many thing, aswell as because of my ex, and we have been near splitting up at times but our love was strong and we hung on in there. We moved in together after 4 months due to the distance between us before and things did change, he was not as chatty as he first seemed but I learned to deal with this and in the end up loving him for it too. Many things we learned about each other over the years. Also, years before meeting him (lived 300 miles apart, no chance could have met before in life as never been in each others neck of the woods) I had a dream about him so when I got that first selfie from him, I couldn't believe it. He was even wearing the same hoodie and glasses as in the dream. He is literally the man of my dreams 🥰
If you have kids involved, be cautious, try not to move too fast. If no kids then carry on and love and live in the moment, you never know, you could find the man of your dreams too.

itsabouttimetoo · 13/12/2021 11:39

OP, why don’t you just enjoy it for what it is rather than trying to get people who don’t know the relationship to predict the future of it? It is perfectly normal to feel head over heels very quickly, but it is also wise to exercise caution, take it slowly and think about making it last long term - you can do both at the same time. If you are truly meant to be, going slowly won’t hurt anyone, will keep the blinkers off and will save you from heartache. It will also keep your precious daughter safe. To answer your questions about spending hours talking to someone…just because you personally wouldn’t invest your time in someone who you don’t see a future with, it doesn’t mean that other people wouldn’t, but most people can’t pretend for too long and I’m sure you will know by 6 months to a year. Just enjoy the time you have together, keep your wits about you and focus on making sure he is definitely the right person for you and your daughter rather than an arbitrary date in 2023 when you want to move in together. Good luck x

Journeynotdestination · 13/12/2021 11:42

My now ex was like this at the beginning, said I love you after 2 months, I thought he was incredible, the love of my life. Good family relationships, nice house & job. But after a year he started getting controlling which ended up getting abusive & then physically so. Then I discovered he’d been on sex sites for a big proportion of our relationship. You would NEVER have known. He appeared to be a really lovely guy. It broke me. Awful situation which took me 2 years to get over with therapy.

Just go slow OP. He may well be genuine but it’s way to early to know. Keep your emotions in check until you’ve known him for at least a year! Seems like an awful long time, but it may save you the heartbreak and despair I and others have been through.

WhatMattersMost · 13/12/2021 11:56

"See, I have been in this situation before, but looking back there were red flags from the start. I just can't see any red flags here. He just seems like a nice, normal guy. His last relationship was 8 years and ended because they had become more like friends apparently. I can see evidence of lots of the stuff he has told me about his past on his Facebook feed. I have had a few shitty experiences in my life so I'm very alert to anything that might indicate abuse or control and this seems the opposite- he is a feminist, a liberal (again all supported by his Facebook feed). I know Facebook isn't necessarily real but maybe he really just is a nice guy who loves me?"

Have you considered the the red flag may be yours, OP? Note: not all red flags are equal, but one of them is intensity and rapidity.

You do not know him. He does not know you. What you are in right now is a state of high projection. Again: not all projections are bad, but they are not the whole person. It's best to keep aware of this.

lockdownalli · 13/12/2021 12:13

OP you do not know this man. You have only met him five times!

It sounds like limerance.

My advice is to enjoy this time, but try to keep one foot on the ground. If he suddenly pulls the rug from under you, I am worried about how badly you will crash and burn, you seem crazily infatuated.

MizzFizz · 13/12/2021 12:27

It could definitely be the real deal. Of course it could!

Or it could not be.

Time will tell, so as so many PPs say, allow for that time.

Crankley · 13/12/2021 12:38

I know someone who read an ad in the lonely hearts page of the local paper, made contsct, they met on the Thursday and he moved in with her on the Sunday.

They celebrated their 25th anniversary this year, still madly in love.

For every couple like that there must be x 100 where it didn't work out

ChristmasFluff · 13/12/2021 12:43

I had exactly the experience you are describing.

He turned out to a psychopath who emotionally then physically abused me, stalked me, threatened my family and pet, and eventually ended up in prison.

It was 6 years of hell, after a few weeks of heaven.

Enjoy it - but hold onto your heart. there is nothing so instantaneous as the meeting of matching wounding.

LittleGwyneth · 13/12/2021 13:39

Honestly I don't know and neither to do you! It's entirely possible that this is The Real Thing, and it's also possible that it's not. But right now I think you're enjoying it, so why look for people to poke holes in it? Keep your wits about you, wait and see what happens, don't have a baby, sign a lease/mortgage or get married and enjoy the love!

HippoRaine · 13/12/2021 13:41

The OP and some of these replies are making my skin crawl.

It doesn't matter a jot if Dennis and Doreen were married for 127 years after meeting once for 3 seconds, it doesn't matter how many people say they "just knew" straight away and anyone telling you to "just go with your gut" is quite frankly talking out of their arse.

Is this bloke as keen as you to shack up ASAP? If so I would be seriously questioning his motives as you have a very small child

You have a two year old girl, you shouldn't be throwing some random bloke into her life, especially one you've known for five minutes. Yeah some men are wonderful and charming and perfect. Some men just appear to be wonderful and charming and perfect. And a few men pretend to be wonderful and charming and perfect to woo single mothers and gain access to their young children.

Tread carefully OP, your daughter only gets one childhood and it's your job to protect her, not get carried away with a whirlwind romance.

unluckyinlife · 13/12/2021 14:22

I felt like this with my now DH. Although I knew his family for a while before I met him.

The night we first slept together I remember thinking 'oh no, I could be falling for him.'

Then from then it got stronger. I knew within a month that this was the real deal. We fell pregnant (on the implant!!) within 2 months and we're engaged within 9 months. Had our little boy 10 months in and got married less than 2 years later.

I 100 percent have no regrets. I was as cautious as I could be, remained independent, refused to be a SAHM, learnt to drive etc so if all went wrong, I had done everything I could to protect my children and I.

I love him and over 5.5 years later love him even more than I did then. Whenever I hear of people moving quickly I still think 'wow that's risky' then remember I went from single to a family in 10 months.

It is so incredibly risky and you have no be careful, but I think sometimes it can work.

It has so far for me! x

PrincessNutella · 13/12/2021 14:36

I agree completely with the idea of proceeding with caution, in spite of the fact that I do believe also in "love at first sight." My husband and I knew we would get married right away, but it was a long time before we lived together or got married. There is no rush if you know.

Letsbekindplease · 13/12/2021 14:45

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I was with someone for 7 years. We split up (he cheated). A few months later I met someone and I felt in love at about a month. We’re now 6 years in, 2 kids and a house and mortgage.

Go with the flow and see what happens. Exciting

Tiredpregnantmess · 13/12/2021 15:59

Relationships that start fast can last. I met my DH 14.5 years ago, I was 18 he was 19. We moved in together 3 months after getting together. Fast forward to now married 5 years ago and have first child on the way. We took our time though as we wanted a house before marriage and no mortgage before kids came along. It does work but be cautious to begin with.

FleetwoodRaincoat · 13/12/2021 16:01

I once had a man tell me on our second date that he "would marry me tomorrow if he could". That was 30 years ago, and we're still together

LowlyTheWorm · 13/12/2021 16:14

@The4thThe5th there are so many negative Nellies here. And didn’t you get that memo about never introducing a child to a partner for YEARS???? Tsk tsk.
I met my husband in September and introduced him to my two children in November, engaged at Xmas and married in August. Less than a year after we’d met.

That was 14 years ago. He has been nothing but a blessing to my children and our children now too…

Compared to the wanker I’d been with for 5 years before marrying- thought he was my soul mate and he had affairs and left me when I had cancer!

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 13/12/2021 16:27

@LowlyTheWorm your situation was luck over judgement.

You didnt know 100% he wasn't an abusive arsehole or a paedophile after 3 months?

Maybe you like to take risks with your kids welfare, but some of us prefer to excersise caution. No need to take the piss out of those of us who prioritise our kids.

Darkpheonix · 13/12/2021 16:29

@LowlyTheWorm that's great and I am so happy it worked out.

However, this man of ops could turn out to like the wanker. You may have been right about your dh. But that's more just luck. My dp is more a father to my kids than their dad. So I get it. And I don't agree with waiting years to meet kids.

But it was a gamble especially with kids. Your gamble paid off. It doesn't pay off in many situations.

You thought a man who was wanker was the one. You were wrong then.

It absolutely can work out. But you 'knew' twice and was wrong 50% of the time. So your post actually proves the point that 'knowing' someone is the one, often is wrong.

Corbally · 13/12/2021 16:31

[quote LowlyTheWorm]@The4thThe5th there are so many negative Nellies here. And didn’t you get that memo about never introducing a child to a partner for YEARS???? Tsk tsk.
I met my husband in September and introduced him to my two children in November, engaged at Xmas and married in August. Less than a year after we’d met.

That was 14 years ago. He has been nothing but a blessing to my children and our children now too…

Compared to the wanker I’d been with for 5 years before marrying- thought he was my soul mate and he had affairs and left me when I had cancer![/quote]
So your sheer dumb luck in not introducing an abusive or dangerous man into your children's lives with indecent haste is a reason why other people should copy your frankly irresponsible behaviour?

TheNamelessGirl · 13/12/2021 18:50

So your sheer dumb luck in not introducing an abusive or dangerous man into your children's lives with indecent haste is a reason why other people should copy your frankly irresponsible behaviour?

^^ This in spades

esloquehay · 13/12/2021 19:44

I always think it's a really great idea when people start planning a future with someone they've known for less than a month, especially when small children are involved. You're definitely erring on the side of caution, OP.

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