Page 6 | To feel uncomfortable about meeting SILs new partner on Xmas day

Day2night · 2021-12-12T07:52:54+00:00

My SIL wants to bring her new partner to meet everyone on Christmas morning at my MILs house. He left his wife and young kids in the summer, and they’ve been together for two months. I’m not sure how to feel about it. Myself and husband and my two sons aged 6 and 12 always go to MILs to open their presents, but having this new man there will make me slightly uncomfortable. My SIL 40, wants kids and marriage, he is already saying he wants this all again too which rings huge alarm bells for me…but she’s so loved up I don’t want to shatter her happiness. He won’t be there in the afternoon, so I’m debating leaving our visit until then this year. Am not sure if I’m being too sensitive about it though, and should just go and put up with him being there.

Numbertime · 12/12/2021 11:36

@rubbishatballet

Why are so many people so anti meeting new people on Christmas Day? What are they worried about?

We've often had random extras at our extended family christmases - new partners, antipodean friends/house mates who aren't going home, someone's colleague with nowhere else to go etc etc. Surely it's exactly the time we should be welcoming of others (and I'm not even religious..), plus in my experience it only adds to the day and generally freshens up the dynamic!

I absolutely agree, people seem to be very precious about it being for ‘one of us’ only.

Theremoresefulday · 12/12/2021 11:37

@rubbishatballet

Why are so many people so anti meeting new people on Christmas Day? What are they worried about?

We've often had random extras at our extended family christmases - new partners, antipodean friends/house mates who aren't going home, someone's colleague with nowhere else to go etc etc. Surely it's exactly the time we should be welcoming of others (and I'm not even religious..), plus in my experience it only adds to the day and generally freshens up the dynamic!

Me too. I have always had random folk at Christmas and I don’t get why it’s such a big deal.

RitaFires · 12/12/2021 11:40

I get disapproving of SIL's partner and choices and Christmas Day would not be my choice of day for first meeting but it's her mother's house and she is really keen on her new man. It's not for you to dictate what she can and cannot do.

I find it easier with people who get really invested in relationships really quickly to just smile and nod and wish them well. You genuinely want your SIL to be happy, anything negative you say could well cause issues between you that will outlast this relationship. Also it's not sounding likely but this could actually work out and you could be seeing this man for many years to come.

Babyvenusplant · 12/12/2021 11:42

@Day2night

It’s not that I don’t approve of the relationship, it’s just that I’m worried she’s going to get hurt again. I can’t imagine leaving my children and moving on so quickly…talking about remarrying and having more kids within months. I don’t know the exact circumstances fully though, so perhaps I’m wrong.

I think this is the point, you don't know the full circumstances. For all you know his wife may have been the reasons for the break up, just go along and be civil. Its a good opportunity to suss him out anyway 😉

Babyvenusplant · 12/12/2021 11:46

I'll add too, I don't find it weird they are talking about kids so soon given your sil's age. I assume if he wasn't keen on kids your sil wouldn't be interested in him so maybe that's why he is going with it

AnFiaRuaNua · 12/12/2021 11:47

Id be super nice, let him lower his guard and then you can see what his real level of awareness his. If you go right in there and ask him what he learn from the marriage breakdown, he'll be defensive, especially if he's interrogated (on xmas day, with an audience).

If your sil thinks you like him, she'll be more receptive to you maybe pointing out that he believes his marriage broke down because his xw expected him to give up his free time to help......

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 12/12/2021 11:57

I have always had random folk at Christmas and I don’t get why it’s such a big deal.

I wonder if this depends on your experience of Christmas. If, like some of the people on the 'worst behaviour' thread, Christmas is an opportunity for all of your dysfunctional family to come together and act out their own various dramas and resentments then there may be a tendency not to want to involve random people in the mix because many people don't spontaneously behave better.

For people who had less traumatising Christmas events in their history, perhaps it feels very different.

Fomofo · 12/12/2021 12:34

It's not about new or random folk, it's about not wanting to hang out with a man who's left one young family to hook up with someone new so soon

00100001 · 12/12/2021 12:41

@rubbishatballet

Why are so many people so anti meeting new people on Christmas Day? What are they worried about?

We've often had random extras at our extended family christmases - new partners, antipodean friends/house mates who aren't going home, someone's colleague with nowhere else to go etc etc. Surely it's exactly the time we should be welcoming of others (and I'm not even religious..), plus in my experience it only adds to the day and generally freshens up the dynamic!

It somehow feels different if it friends/acquaintances etc.

Meeting the other side of the family for the very first time is a it odd to do on Christmas Day.

itspartytime · 12/12/2021 12:50

My friend had something similar was over a bank holiday weekend family get together. Turned out the new boyfriend of her SIL was an old boyfriend of hers! And they were stuck there the whole long weekend.

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/12/2021 12:52

It’s none of your business. How weird.

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/12/2021 13:08

Sil has met a man. She wants her mum to meet him

She’s older so makes sense to ask about if he wants more kids

I asked dh in the early weeks did he want kids - he had 3 in 20’s

I had none. Unexplained infertility

I needed to know was it a no never. Maybe or yes

Luckily it was a yes and regulars on here will know it till 10yrs 5 private ivf to get my one and ever bfp

Dd is now nearly 5 - I had her at almost 44

Anyway I digress

Sil didn’t break up the family

New man prob is seeing his kids for an hour or two - which will be hard for him as well

So yes be nice to him. He may be a lovely bloke who can make your husbands sister happy and fulfil her dream of being a mum

StripeyMonkey1 · 12/12/2021 13:28

Maybe it's an act of kindness from SIL and MIL.

New man may otherwise be on his own on Christmas Day and missing his children.

Oneforthemoneytwo · 12/12/2021 13:50

Also you have no idea of the circumstances of the split. There’s likely to be a long back story and the relationship ending way before he moved out

PinkSyCo · 12/12/2021 13:54

You are being extremely judgemental, albeit perhaps not without good reason, but if you truly cared for your SIL wouldn’t you welcome the chance to meet him so that you can make a more considered opinion of his character?

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 12/12/2021 13:56

Meeting the other side of the family for the very first time is a it odd to do on Christmas Day.

Why? Time of peace and goodwill to all men, and all that.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/12/2021 14:04

I think you're getting a hard time on here. If anyone posted about xmas and mentioned that they'd recently started a relationship with a man who had only left his wife and kids a few months before and that their new bf had been talking marriage and babies...everyone on here would talk about red flags, things moving too fast, love bombing etc...I'm not saying that relationships that start very shortly after a break up and move quickly can't work out, but it's a red flag for sure and you've said your sister in law has a history of being messed about by men so it sounds in addition like she doesn't always make the best choices in partners and may not be alert to these red flags. It sounds like you are worried about her.

However I agree with others that avoiding him won't really achieve anything

LadyEloise1 · 12/12/2021 15:21

👏🏻@DrinkFeckArseBrick

LolaSmiles · 12/12/2021 15:30

I understand your concerns about the way he's talking given he has recently left his wife and is already love bombing someone else with talk of marriage and kids.

It seems odd to me for Christmas day to be the family introduction day, but you'll probably have to hold your tongue and run with it in the name of keeping the peace and avoiding conflict.

Yourforever · 12/12/2021 15:49

@PuppyMonkey

Go along, be pleasant, ask lots of awkward questions about where he’s from, what he does for a living, where his tiny kids are today etc?

If this was reddit, this would be the top comment 😆

Motheroftigers · 12/12/2021 15:51

@Ragwort

Seems very odd that this man actually want to meet his new GF's family for the first time on Christmas morning, most adults would realise that's not really appropriate - especially when he's so newly separated from his wife and DC.

Can you suggest meeting for coffee/ tea on a different occasion first? Otherwise I would just go and be polite ... he's the one who is going to find it very awkward. If you refuse to go you are the one 'making a scene' unless you can find a different way of doing things this year.

He won't have any where else to go so is going to play happy families with some one else.

CourtRand · 12/12/2021 16:12

Not your choice really. She's able to make her own life decisions and bring her new partner to family Xmas so long as the host permits. Don't really get why you're uncomfortable unless he's some kind of criminal or an old flame.

ChubbyMorticia · 12/12/2021 16:15

My experience has always been holidays = friends and family, so meeting someone for the first time on a holiday would be uncomfortable.

BringMeTea · 12/12/2021 16:24

Yeah he does sound like one to throw back but the day you meet is a red herring. It'll be ok.

SpinsForGin · 12/12/2021 16:28

It's just something you're going to have to suck up I'm afraid.

I'm in a similar position except I've actually met SILs new boyfriend and he's horrible. Really horrible. We host Christmas Day and she's bringing him and one of his children. I'm really not looking forward to it but she's so loved up she can't see him for what he is yet.