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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel uncomfortable about meeting SILs new partner on Xmas day

158 replies

Day2night · 12/12/2021 07:52

My SIL wants to bring her new partner to meet everyone on Christmas morning at my MILs house. He left his wife and young kids in the summer, and they’ve been together for two months. I’m not sure how to feel about it. Myself and husband and my two sons aged 6 and 12 always go to MILs to open their presents, but having this new man there will make me slightly uncomfortable. My SIL 40, wants kids and marriage, he is already saying he wants this all again too which rings huge alarm bells for me…but she’s so loved up I don’t want to shatter her happiness. He won’t be there in the afternoon, so I’m debating leaving our visit until then this year. Am not sure if I’m being too sensitive about it though, and should just go and put up with him being there.

OP posts:

shouldistop · 12/12/2021 08:21

@hopeishere

Is she your husbands sister? You sound a bit over invested. Just be pleasant to him.

This

Thegreencup · 12/12/2021 08:22

@Numbertime

Why will it make you uncomfortable? Am I missing something?

I'm presuming OP doesn't approve of the relationship.

Just bloody go and meet him. How do you know all his backstory when you've never met him?

Lalliella · 12/12/2021 08:22

You sound a bit judgy and over-invested sorry. I think it would be pretty rude of you to snub him like that. And not fair on your kids to change their Christmas tradition.

beastlyslumber · 12/12/2021 08:23

I get it, OP. From what you've shared, he does sound like someone to be wary of, and by including him it could feel like accepting a situation which you feel isn't right.

I think that you should meet him, though, so that you can support your SIL. You will be able to point out any red flags more convincingly if you've actually met him. I also think you should not let him spoil your original plans.

He might be lovely, but very likely he will act lovely anyway. If you want to test him out, try saying 'no' to him or disagreeing. Can be over something trivial. I'd want to see what SIL is like around him too. But I suppose it might be you're not really close enough to want to engage in that way.

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/12/2021 08:25

No matter how this relationship pans out your being judgemental and unfriendly will not end well.

Just be polite and get to know him as you would any other partner.

ExtraOnion · 12/12/2021 08:25

My (now) husband split with his partner (with whom he has children). We started dating 3 months later, and got married in the next year…. That was 20 years ago.

Original poster

Day2night · 12/12/2021 08:26

It’s not that I don’t approve of the relationship, it’s just that I’m worried she’s going to get hurt again. I can’t imagine leaving my children and moving on so quickly…talking about remarrying and having more kids within months. I don’t know the exact circumstances fully though, so perhaps I’m wrong.

OP posts:

CampagVelocet · 12/12/2021 08:29

You sound very judgmental. You've decided you don't like or approve of him.

Gassylady · 12/12/2021 08:30

@Day2night I would feel the same as you if I found myself in this situation. It does seem rather fast to be introducing new partner to her wider family let alone be talking about kids etc. I think I would be tempted to visit in the afternoon this year but maybe arrange another occasion during the festive season for them to visit you for cuppa and cake.

WeAreTheHeroes · 12/12/2021 08:30

Meet him and form your own opinion of him in person. If he says anything that seems a red flag you'll have something concrete to go on. Plus he may be fine and you can stop worrying.

Sally872 · 12/12/2021 08:30

She may get hurt again or it might work out. You avoiding meeting him on Christmas morning doesn't help. Be supportive and if it goes wrong be there for her. It's all you can do really.

monsterflake · 12/12/2021 08:31

Is it an anxiety thing? I struggle so badly with anxiety and have always been shy and introverted so I can understand how you might be feeling, however Christmas morning will be a time when there is lots going on, especially with you having young children. Everyone will be expecting your attention to be on the kids, so say a polite hello and focus on watching them open presents, play with new toys with them etc and just let things happen naturally.

I know everyone's families are different etc this is just how I would cope with it.

MrsLarry · 12/12/2021 08:32

@Day2night

None of that is your business though. You're not her protector. All you can do is be there IF something does go wrong.

GrandDuchessRomanov · 12/12/2021 08:32

It's Christmas Day.

If there is one day in the year when we should be welcoming and at the very least civil, it's the 25th of December.

Think of your SIL instead of yourself and if your MIL is happy to have him, there is absolutely nothing you can do.

TopCatsTopHat · 12/12/2021 08:33

I think you are right to be wary, she has form for being too trusting and his story would be (though might not be) consistent with someone she would be better avoiding.
Your goal is to support her and keep her safe. In order to be able to help your SIL (in case she needs that) you need her to understand that any criticism/support of concerns she may have in the future do not come from a place pure knee jerk judgement.
You need to appear welcoming in principle so if this starts to unravel she doesn't feel you were aginst him/them from the start.
For that reason alone go as normal and be pleasant.
In your shoes I too would be rather suspicious of what this guy is all about, but you need to to take up a position of opposition to him or you will be the 'enemy' and the last person able to advise/support if it all goes tits up.

beastlyslumber · 12/12/2021 08:33

If you don't go, it risks being spun into "SIL doesn't approve of my relationship" - if he is bad news then you are giving him a gift of helping to isolate your SIL from her family support. Don't give him any ammunition to get in her head about family being against the relationship.

Go, be friendly and kind, and keep an eye out for your sis.

Sittinginthesand · 12/12/2021 08:34

Invite them both round before Christmas, then it won’t be the first time on Christmas Day.

TopCatsTopHat · 12/12/2021 08:34

need to not take up a position of opposition, that should say

SheWoreYellow · 12/12/2021 08:38

If I was concerned, I’d want to meet him and see first hand what was going on.
But also, just go, be polite.

LadyEloise1 · 12/12/2021 08:38

I understand where you are coming from @Day2night.

Was sil the "other woman" or had he already left his wife and children ?

Within such a short space of time he's talking about having more children. Does he see his children from his marriage ?
What age are they ?

BraveGoldie · 12/12/2021 08:39

If your concern were really for her, surely you would be keen to meet him, so you could form an opinion and therefore understand better whether she is with somebody who could make her happy? You would go openly curious so you could give her best possible support, as somebody who is informed and knows them both if and when things go wrong?

Instead, you are judging in advance and considering actively staying ignorant by avoiding meeting him! How is that supportive of her? I suspect that would really upset her and guarantee she would never come to you if she needed support about that relationship, or listen to your input about it.

While I don't instinctively think well of somebody who left their wife and children, you don't know the full story. And you could argue if he really has left his family and just two months later he is up for meeting her judgey family on Christmas Day, then he has serious feelings for your SIL.

She on the other hand, without children, has less skin in the game, and was also active in breaking up a family in some way, but not her own..... I'm not judging her but my point is maybe others would be worried for her impact on him?

I guess you could ask yourself how you'd like her to be treated when she meets his family, and model your behaviour on that? I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want her to be blanked?

andtherewere2 · 12/12/2021 08:43

@Day2night
You can't protect your Dsis from rushing in, but you can protect your DCs from a man/ new love interest for Dsis using them as replacement for his own family in Xmas day or one who you don't know and possibly may not be around for long.

I'd be polite but not encourage his playing with my DCs, as they open their presents . It is slightly inappropriate to meet him first time in Xmas day unless they are travelling a long way.

It gives strong message when Dsis has in fact only known him for short while. DH and I would be sat with DCs entertaining them throughout the visit and I probably wouldn't stay as long.

Original poster

Day2night · 12/12/2021 08:44

His children are one and three

OP posts:

Theremoresefulday · 12/12/2021 08:47

I don’t get this. It’s Christmas Day. Kids will be bouncing coz presents.

Go. Be pleasant. That’s all that’s required.

WinterSunglasses · 12/12/2021 08:47

@beastlyslumber

Go, be friendly and kind, and keep an eye out for your sis.

This. I would be concerned, and judgemental, too. Go and check him out for yourself and as pp said keep an eye out. It also cuts off any 'you've never even met him, you'd love him if you did' from your SIL. You can better deal with any potential problems if you've been able to size him up yourself.

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