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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomfortable about meeting SILs new partner on Xmas day

158 replies

Day2night · 12/12/2021 07:52

My SIL wants to bring her new partner to meet everyone on Christmas morning at my MILs house. He left his wife and young kids in the summer, and they’ve been together for two months. I’m not sure how to feel about it. Myself and husband and my two sons aged 6 and 12 always go to MILs to open their presents, but having this new man there will make me slightly uncomfortable. My SIL 40, wants kids and marriage, he is already saying he wants this all again too which rings huge alarm bells for me…but she’s so loved up I don’t want to shatter her happiness. He won’t be there in the afternoon, so I’m debating leaving our visit until then this year. Am not sure if I’m being too sensitive about it though, and should just go and put up with him being there.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 12/12/2021 09:59

Yes potentially his ex is taking jos kids tk her parents and he is alone and that is why SIL does want to include him in her Christmas.

Who knows if he will be on the scene next year or not or whether he ends up as her life partner. Just assume the latter and be kind.

Your kids seriously will not be wondering where he is should they never see him again he will just be that man that came this Christmas with auntie x. Alternatively one day he may be Uncle.

AlternativePerspective · 12/12/2021 10:01

It’s not your relationship to judge. And it’s not for you to decide when she introduces her next bf to the family. If she has a habit of doing this then tbh it sounds as if she is the one doing the quick “oh he wants to marry me/have kids with me” line. One of the reasons they probably don’t last is because she is probably too intense.

But either way, an auntie having a multitude of boyfriends isn’t going to have any kind of impact on the kids. I had an auntie when I was younger who not only had a multitude of husbands, but a multitude of kids with them, to the extent I have no idea which kids were fathered by which men in her life and which men didn’t actually father any. Hmm But while I roll my eyes at the fact she lived such a wreck less life, it didn’t affect me as a child.

Chickychoccyegg · 12/12/2021 10:01
  1. The kids will not care one single bit about meeting their Aunties bf, if they split up,so what, doesn't affect you or your dc.
2.Doesnt sound like love bombing really, not any real red flags apart from that he's not long split up from his wife. 3.You don't know any of the circumstances of the split and its absolutely none of your business. 4.I dont seen anything weird about sil wanting her closest family to meet her dp, yes Christmas morning is unusual, but could actually be a good time as everyone in a good mood and busy with other stuff. 5.Absolutely hilarious the poster that said he wouldn't get to come along and play happy families with her dc, wtf, I bet that's the last thing he wants to do 😂 6.Go along, ask some nosey questions, have a good gossip about him to dh later.
Porcupineintherough · 12/12/2021 10:06

I think you are overthinking.

Your kids will be fine/indifferent to meeting a string of your SiL's boyfriends. My children are the youngest of all their cousins and soon got used to there being a rotating cast of boyfriends/girlfriends at family gatherings when their older cousins hit the teen years.

As for your SiL, does she always set herself up with unsuitable men? Because I do not think you need worry about shattering her hopes, I'm sure he'll do that himself in time (yes this relationship has disaster written all over it).

IamGusFring · 12/12/2021 10:06

@Day2night

She’s had many boyfriends over the years, and each time she’s wanted them to meet the family very early on. Those relationships have all ended soon after. If it was just myself and my husband it wouldn’t be an issue, but I don’t particularly want my kids to have to keep meeting her boyfriends and then asking where they’ve gone. Christmas Day just adds to the inappropriateness really.
I don't think this is it at all, is it ? You don't like the thought that he left his wife and young children and has taken up with your SIL so soon ? I get it but it's really none of your business.
Allthesefolks · 12/12/2021 10:08

Ignoring the fact the relationship sounds like an absolute shitshow (your poor SiL), I get that Christmas morning feels a bit intimate to meet a new partner for the first time. However, as it’s at your MiL’s house unfortunately you just have to suck up the awkwardness.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 12/12/2021 10:12

So you'll feel a bit uncomfortable. It's hardly the worst thing in the world, is it?

rwalker · 12/12/2021 10:15

The fact you feel then need to mention his history says it all about your attitude to him .

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 12/12/2021 10:17

I think your feelings are natural, but it really isn't your place to be judgemental and your sister doesn't need your approval.

Keep these feelings to yourself and be friendly on the day. Fake smile.

Original poster
Day2night · 12/12/2021 10:19

His history wouldn’t bother me at all if he’d been split up from his wife for a while, if he wasn’t already talking about having more kids with someone he’s just met etc etc But anyway, I will go and be polite.

OP posts:
ChiefStockingStuffer · 12/12/2021 10:23

I get it, OP.

If you and your husband split up, I imagine that you would prefer it if you both agreed that new boy/girl friends were not being introduced willy nilly until you were positive they were going to be around for a long time. So not wanting to have a constant parade of strange men introduced to your children, after only a couple of months of dating (and cheating involved) with your SIL isn't an unreasonable desire.

Unfortunately, I suspect your MIL will be crushed if you don't go, so your husband probably should make the final call on this. Maybe a good compromise is to go for the afternoon, after the new guy has left (presumably to see his own children).

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 12/12/2021 10:25

@00100001

Taking the speed of the relationshipand tour feelings about that out.

It's fucking weird to meet someone/family for the first time on Christmas morning.

Especially such a family event with young children there when he is not with his own DC (perhaps he will see them in the afternoon?).
SpindlesAdventWhirl · 12/12/2021 10:34

@Grayskelly

How can you be properly judge and be indignant if you haven't even met him? I look forward to meeting unsuitable partners for this reason, but I am a right bitch. If I could get away with it I'd bring all my sisters for additional judgement and disapproval. You can always bore your DH later with detailed analysis of all his behaviours. If you are going to be judgemental you need to learn how to enjoy it.
Ah yes, the sorority approach Grin

You could be wanting to know all about his children, what he's got them for Christmas, is the elder one all excited this year for the first time?

That'll be genuinely illuminating, whether he gives a shit or not.

WonderfulYou · 12/12/2021 10:36

YANBU 2 months is way too soon to be spending Christmas with someone.
It sounds like she’s rushing into things which usually ends up in disaster.

However, she probably thinks she’s in love and will be together forever so all you can do is be supportive.

Laufeythejust · 12/12/2021 10:41

We had to introduce a rule that someone can only come round for Christmas dinner if we have met them at least once before and they have been dating at least 3 months. I got so sick of cooking for some random bloke that changed the whole vibe of our Christmas to then never see him again.

HunterGatherer · 12/12/2021 10:47

I get your concern but shes 40 and wants kids, they are under a bit of time pressure. I'd invite them both round for a drink prior to xmas then you won't be so anxious on the day. (Or if he turns out to be awful, you can change your plans).

JumparooSavedMyLife · 12/12/2021 10:50

You sound very judgemental and invested. If you don't want to meet him christmas day just go round later, I'm not sure why you feel in a position to comment on his circumstances having never actually met him? He might have really young children but who knows what happened in his marriage? It's none of your business and not your judgement to make. If your sil is 40 she isn't going to be meeting someone who hasn't got baggage (I hate referring to children and an ex wife as that but you get what I mean), I'd be more suss if she met a man in his 40s who had never had a serious relationship, by 40 most people will already have had a life and a family so whoever she gets with this will be a theme.

Watapalava · 12/12/2021 10:54

I can’t believe more arent commenting on the xmas day meet!

Xmas day is not an appropriate day to have a stranger around

That’s just shitty as everyone will likely be more on edge etc

Gonnagetgoing · 12/12/2021 11:00

If it were me as the SIL bringing a new partner over on Christmas Day but also if I were OP I’d advise against doing this. Puts a lot of pressure on all involved including new partner.

I can be the judgiest woman on earth (have toned this down a lot over the years) but I think most people would be a bit Hmm about this man and circumstances despite all the MN cool girls accepting this without a backwards glance.

Gonnagetgoing · 12/12/2021 11:03

@Watapalava

I can’t believe more arent commenting on the xmas day meet!

Xmas day is not an appropriate day to have a stranger around

That’s just shitty as everyone will likely be more on edge etc

@Watapalava - 100% agreed. It does only take a seemingly innocent comment from the family involved re his situation to potentially upset new partner, add in copious amounts of alcohol and recipe for disaster.

I’d speak to SIL and say would love to meet her and new partner but as it’s a lot of pressure for all could we meet new partner eg one evening next week for casual drinks/posh hot chocolate instead? And then he can also come Xmas day if all goes well.

FilthyforFirth · 12/12/2021 11:04

I would hate this and totally see where you are coming from OP.

It is weird, certainly in my circles.

StormyTeacups · 12/12/2021 11:12

Yanbu. I'd go, as the rest of the family is important too,but I'd be very suss of someone who leaves a 3 and 1 year old, gets it on with someone else withing months, starts taking marriage and babies and then pitches up to their family Christmas. Wrong diddly wrong wrong

Bubblecap · 12/12/2021 11:31

I love meeting new people but on Christmaday is a bit odd.

My SIL relationships have caused huge amounts of drama over the years and her behaviour always escalated at Christmas. She also took things too fast always, asking about babies and marriage after about three weeks. She came across as deranged and any ok bloke was scared off immediately. This was a pattern from 30 to 45 . A siblings choice of partner and how they run their relationship shouldn’t be any of our business but when it becomes dominant at any get together especially over many years it’s really difficult to watch the slow car crash multiple times.

Faevern · 12/12/2021 11:31

I'm with you OP, why would she want to choose Christmas morning to introduce him and why does she need to introduce him so soon? Plenty time to introduce him if he's in it for the long haul, if he's not it will be the elephant in the room next Christmas morning.

She wants you all to play happy families on Christmas day with a stranger while his children spend their first Christmas without him? I doubt they've come to terms with it if it's only been since summer. I don't think I would feel too comfortable doing that and if that makes me judgemental so what? I would question his judgement too.

I want to spend my Christmas with people I know and love. I would go in the afternoon.

rubbishatballet · 12/12/2021 11:32

Why are so many people so anti meeting new people on Christmas Day? What are they worried about?

We've often had random extras at our extended family christmases - new partners, antipodean friends/house mates who aren't going home, someone's colleague with nowhere else to go etc etc. Surely it's exactly the time we should be welcoming of others (and I'm not even religious..), plus in my experience it only adds to the day and generally freshens up the dynamic!