To feel uncomfortable about meeting SILs new partner on Xmas day

[Day2night]

My SIL wants to bring her new partner to meet everyone on Christmas morning at my MILs house. He left his wife and young kids in the summer, and they’ve been together for two months. I’m not sure how to feel about it. Myself and husband and my two sons aged 6 and 12 always go to MILs to open their presents, but having this new man there will make me slightly uncomfortable. My SIL 40, wants kids and marriage, he is already saying he wants this all again too which rings huge alarm bells for me…but she’s so loved up I don’t want to shatter her happiness. He won’t be there in the afternoon, so I’m debating leaving our visit until then this year. Am not sure if I’m being too sensitive about it though, and should just go and put up with him being there.

He clearly doesn’t have his children with him on Christmas Day - quite possibly not his choice. If your in laws don’t welcome him there’s a fair chance he would either be alone, or SiL will go to him. In that case she will start getting more distance from her family. You need to put up with it I’m afraid.

@Numbertime I think you've also missed that it's their aunties boyfriend and they've been together 2 months

I think you’re getting a hard time here, OP.

Totally get the protectiveness. If she is 40 then she will presumably be considering babies with him very soon. And in the full knowledge that he’s walked away from two tiny children very recently.

I agree you need to go along and be polite but don’t need to roll out the red carpet.

In the coming weeks/months it would be interesting to understand whether he’s seeing and supporting his children as much as he can - that will tell you something about the sort of person he is.

It sounds like staying close to SIL could be the best way to help her right now.

[quote girlmom21]@Numbertime I don't want anyone who's likely to just be temporary introduced into my childrens lives because I met way too many 'new partners' in my childhood who didn't last long at all. It was very confusing. [/quote]
New partners of one auntie?

[quote girlmom21]@Numbertime I don't want anyone who's likely to just be temporary introduced into my childrens lives because I met way too many 'new partners' in my childhood who didn't last long at all. It was very confusing. [/quote]
Meeting “friends” of aunts and uncles was confusing? I assume he isn’t going to tell the children that he wants to marry the SiL.

If my SIL decided not to come to MY parents on Christmas Morning because of MY new partner, I'd be fine with that, she's a judgemental bitch, but if my brother decided not to bring the kids because of it, I'd think he was behaving badly. (Kids/Me/Grandparents -family tradition - whom I'm with has nothing to do with either of them)

Also if my batshit SIL decided my new partner, playing with my nieces & nephews in the lounge was any kind of risk to my nieces & nephews, I'd expect my brother to tell her to behave!

Except he wouldn't these days as he's well under the witches spell now.

You m just take your nose out of HER relationship!

@Numbertime not an auntie in my case - more confusing than that.

@MinesAPintOfTea if he's lovebombing her two months in he's not going to act like a friend is he.

Realistically if he's lovebombing her, he's going to try and charm the whole family, isn't he.
He's going to get his feet under the table and act like everyone's best friend, including the kids.

OP how much contact do you have with SIL?

Unless you'll be locked in a room with just him & your kids then what difference? It's Christmas day. The kids will have plenty to he excited about and not really notice and you, well, you're a grown up.

But do stop all the "I'm not judging and I don't disapprove" nonsense. You do or you wouldn't have posted!

Ignoring whether he’s right for your SIL or not, it’s bloody weird for a new partner to insert themselves into a family on Xmas morning. At worst they’d pop by early evening, at best leave it till Boxing Day. I wonder whose idea this was? Perhaps it was MIL just being friendly, but if I’d been that new partner, I’d have refused and organised a visit later.

Don’t pre-judge him but do be alert for red flags. I’d go as you usually do.

@PuppyMonkey

Go along, be pleasant, ask lots of awkward questions about where he’s from, what he does for a living, where his tiny kids are today etc?

This 😂

@MinesAPintOfTea that made me snort laughing! Exactly that!

@girlmom21 so not applicable in this scenario then.

She’s had many boyfriends over the years, and each time she’s wanted them to meet the family very early on. Those relationships have all ended soon after. If it was just myself and my husband it wouldn’t be an issue, but I don’t particularly want my kids to have to keep meeting her boyfriends and then asking where they’ve gone. Christmas Day just adds to the inappropriateness really.

I agree with @MeridianB
It will be interesting to see if he is supporting and seeing his two small children of 1 and 3 in the forthcoming months. That will tell you a lot.
I would probably visit mil when he's not there but then I would like to see this man who has bowled sil over.

@Numbertime OP seems find it comparable. HTHz

You are not "approving" this new relationship just by being in MIL's house at the same time as him. You don't need to "approve" the relationship anyway. It does not reflect on you that you take your children to MIL's house as you would normally do. You are just being neutral by doing what you would have done anyway.

@Day2night

She’s had many boyfriends over the years, and each time she’s wanted them to meet the family very early on. Those relationships have all ended soon after. If it was just myself and my husband it wouldn’t be an issue, but I don’t particularly want my kids to have to keep meeting her boyfriends and then asking where they’ve gone. Christmas Day just adds to the inappropriateness really.

Your kids won't care who their Aunty is going out with unless she's very involved in their lives.

I think she's nuts for wanting to bring her boyfriend of two months to Christmas Day. But none of your business really if MIL is OK with it.

Kids ‘where’s auntie’s BF’ OP ‘they’ve split up’ kids carry on with what they are doing.

Not seeing the issue myself.

Oh @PuppyMonkey
"Go along, be pleasant, ask lots of awkward questions about where he's from, what he does for a living, where his tiny kids are today etc? "
You and posters like you are the reason I love Mumsnet.
Brilliant.

I wouldn't feel comfortable with this either, but I don't think there's much you can do about it really.

an understand why you feel uncomfortable
Apart from it being a little inappropriate in the way that as so much is going on and everyone is going to have other distractions none of you will get to properly talk to him for the few hours he is there.

I wonder if SIL knows this and that is why introducing him on a day where everyone will have other things on their minds and other distractions, is she hoping you won’t see the red flags that are waving above his head

Is your sil a lovely person who is terrible at picking men and has ended up as the years have gone by getting more and more desperate as her choice of men have more and more red flags.

The only advice you can give her is to stop wasting her precious time and go it alone down the sperm donor route PDQ.
Once she has children and stopped looking then the right man will come along or she won’t be that bothered about finding a husband.

We are all thinking that if this guy actually wanted marriage and children then he has that so why would he be with your sil.

If either he or she is going to wait for this guy to divorce before trying for a baby then her quickly decreasing fertility isn’t going to hold out that long. It could take years.

@Ragwort

Seems very odd that this man actually want to meet his new GF's family for the first time on Christmas morning, most adults would realise that's not really appropriate - especially when he's so newly separated from his wife and DC.

Can you suggest meeting for coffee/ tea on a different occasion first? Otherwise I would just go and be polite ... he's the one who is going to find it very awkward. If you refuse to go you are the one 'making a scene' unless you can find a different way of doing things this year.

It's almost certainly the first Christmas he's ever spent away from his children, and he will want to spend it in other company for as much of the day as possible. I don't think it's odd at all.

I would personally rather meet someone before Christmas day, if I had never set eyes on them before (and them me), also 2 months isn't long to suddenly be part of a family Christmas (with kids). I do think it's up to your MIL but I don't think you are being unreasonable with your feelings either - just try your best to suck it up and be polite! :)

think xmas day is a shitty time to introduce someone.