Why does it take men so long to take a dump?

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

Went to run an errand. Came back and standing in the rain knocking on door as I didn’t take my key. DH messages me “sorry, on the loo”. Can hear the children crying and running amok. Have been standing here for 10 mins now, raging. If you need to shit, surely you just do it, wipe, flush, wash your hands?!?! Women never seem to take this long - it seems utterly self indulgent and drives me mad 🤬💩 (should be an angry poo emoji)

Shit doesn't slide off our hairless oiled cheeks like a fried egg off a JML frying pan.

45 minutes - every night - whilst expecting md to keep the kids occupied (I couldn’t even take a piss without being interrupted - even with him ‘watching’ the children)

I’m informed he still does it and he’s actually on his phone

It does amuse me how many people here are complaining about 'stinky man shits' , do your turds all smell of Channel?

@DillonPanthersTexas

No, they smell of Chanel 😬

My husband takes his phone and vape and takes minimum 40 minutes .

Someone told me it's because woman push their poo out, men just wait for it to fall out their arse

@IncompleteSenten

If couples agreed a 'no phones in the bathroom' rule I guarantee male shits would miraculously take only a few minutes.

Sadly not true! My brothers had the Argos catalogue, and DH had magazines before the advent of phones. Men tend to use the loo as an escape.

These men who take ages and produce hideous smelly dumps need to be referred for a colonoscopy! Someone should suggest it to them out of concern for their welfare if a poo genuinely takes them 45 minutes. See what they say to that.

@FluffyBastard

It’s a control thing. My ex used to go for a shit at times when he knew others would need to use the bathroom (such as getting kids ready for school etc). After 25 minutes he’d come out and say “give it 10 minutes before you go in there” 😡😡 errr no because we’re already late now you selfish cunt.

He’d also do it when we were out - suddenly need the shitter and expect me and the kids to wait around for half hour

Mr Schaden drives me crazy when we're going anywhere.

For about an hour I'll get a full countdown to leaving time "We have to be there by X o'clock" "We'll have to leave at 10 to Y". and so on and so forth.

He'll be standing there drumming his fingers on the steering wheel until I get into the car then suddenly "I must nip to the loo" and he's there half an hour.

The tw*t!

It drives me bliddy crackers!

@PoleFairy

My husband takes his phone and vape and takes minimum 40 minutes .

Someone told me it's because woman push their poo out, men just wait for it to fall out their arse

Someone told me that it's because women go for a poo when they feel that they need one.

Men go for a poo because it's been a while since they had one/ they want to get away from the kids/ there's nothing on the telly, and then just sit there until something happened, supposing it takes all day.

Same principle.

But that is exactly the point I am making. They are in there, faffing about.

I said phones because these days it's phones. What people did years ago before you could browse the net on a little box is exactly the same.

Before internet phones it was magazines, books, newspapers. What they take has changed but what they are doing hasn't.

My ex spent at least 40 minutes on the loo every night. When we lived in a one loo flat I couldn’t have a bath if he was in the house. Ten minutes after I got into the bath, regardless of the time of day or the warning that I was going into the bath and did he need to use the loo first, he desperately needed the loo. He didn’t have any health issues and ate plenty of fruit and veg. He was just a cunt.

totally agree my teen will sit there for 2 hours happily on the bog... HOW?

I have to yell a dozen times to get him off because other people need to pee but my view is if it takes you 2 hours of sitting their you clearly don't need to go.

5 minutes should be more than enough unless your sick with food poisoning etc...

my view is if it takes you 2 hours of sitting their you clearly don't need to go

This!!!

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

It is actually physically unwise to sit on the look for a long time with your anal sphincter open, hoping that you might pass something. It makes the muscle weaker and in time less retentive!

I don't think the actual point of dispatch takes any longer, does it? It isn't a case of deliberately teasing it out of an open sphincter 1mm at a time: it's just the significant amount of unproductive time spent before and after the prompt delivery.

Men seem to be completely disfunctional when it comes to going to the loo. My dad, my cousin, my husband, my son. Women just go in, do it, come out. Not the male of the species though!

To be fair, that's probably what a lot of men think about women when they see the long queues outside the ladies' toilets whilst the gents is just straight in and out.

Of course, there are several obvious reasons why women need longer to use the toilet; but does anybody know if there might be a subtle difference in men's and women's poo-related plumbing and muscle structure?

Like the fact that both sexes have two arms (excepting disability), but on average, men find it much easier and quicker to swing along using monkey bars than women do. Or that thing where women can kneel and lean over forwards without losing their balance whereas men usually can't.

I've no idea if there is any actual difference in male and female bowel dispatch: just wondering if it's been examined scientifically at all.

Like the fact that both sexes have two arms (excepting disability), but on average, men find it much easier and quicker to swing along using monkey bars than women do. Or that thing where women can kneel and lean over forwards without losing their balance whereas men usually can't.

as a biologist, I can say both of those are easily biologically explainable (not mysteries at all) but taking 2 hours to shit regardless of sex isn't a biologically known trait with an explination.

@BabyPotato

"My mum told me that our neighbour would occasionally eat a banana on the toilet and I found it quite weird."

I just can't help wondering how your mum knew this?

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

He’s lying. He’s wrapping your Christmas present/watching porn

The current smell in the house suggests otherwise (oh yes, he used the downstairs loo next to the kitchen, for extra bellend points!)

Everyone is really cheering me up, thank you. Makes me feel better that it’s not just my husband.

"Extra bell end points"

Just actually laughing out loud now 😆

PS - I think they must have ALL read the same manual when it comes to shits...

If your in there longer than 10 minutes. There is an issue either you don’t need to go or you need some kind of medical help tbh.

I am married to that rare beast of a man who can poo in under 10 minutes. I did ask him if he ever felt like stringing it out and his response was that the toilet wasn't a nice place to be, so no.
My own pooping habits are somewhat variable thanks to IBS and now I've had my gallbladder removed my guts seem to have an all-or-nothing approach to excreting. My thinking is that if I've been sat there for 5 minutes and nothing is happening (unless I'm cramping like mad) then it's best to give up, walk around for a bit and wait as I clearly don't actually need to go at that point. I absolutely hate it if my arse decides I need to be there for more than a few minutes, my own shit smells like Hell's farmyard.

My Dad is the King of the Shitbreak. He's never been known to take less than half an hour, usually longer and usually just before everyone needs to leave.
The worst occasion was when my parents went on a weekend break. Did he need to go at the hotel? No. Did he need to go when in the nice café? No. Did he need to go when the only option was a public toilet on a side street leaving my Mum waiting in the drizzle for 45 minutes? Yes. My Mum said several people stopped to asked if she was ok as she was standing there for so long. She told me she said to one of them "Oh I'm fine, but my husband wont be if he doesn't get himself out of the loo very soon."
This was before they both had a mobile phone or she'd have just wandered off. His sheepish response when he finally emerged was "I can't help it."
Given he's never even tried to "help it" my Mum was rather rude back to him.

Maybe take your keys

as a biologist, I can say both of those are easily biologically explainable (not mysteries at all) but taking 2 hours to shit regardless of sex isn't a biologically known trait with an explination.

No, I realise those are quite obvious examples that I used, and I know that it shouldn't take anybody 2 hours; but I was just pondering the specifics of the actual necessary dispatch time (excluding all of the faffing/reading/family avoiding etc. time).

Males and females are clearly different in their nether regions - some differences very obvious and others not so much. Just thinking e.g. the length of urethras differing by several inches. Does that make women more aware of needing to wee (as well as far more susceptible to UTIs) than men? Might that be a contributory factor to girls usually successfully toilet training earlier than boys?

It's a genuine pondering: although men and women have the same basic parts when it comes to processing and ejecting waste, are there minor but significant variances in how the same result is arrived at?!

Maybe take your keys

Is that you DH? Maybe don’t take colossal shits when you know I’ll be back soon 😆

@IncompleteSenten

If couples agreed a 'no phones in the bathroom' rule I guarantee male shits would miraculously take only a few minutes.

I’m afraid to report they don’t. My ex- H could easily take a shit for 45 minutes with no other stimulus. It’s a mystery why it takes so long.

My elderly (female) neighbour once asked me why I was loitering at the front gate of my house for 30 minutes? I told her we were on our way out but my husband decided he needed the toilet.

She laughed and said ‘what is it with men and taking ages in the loo??! ‘ she was in her 80’s. She didn’t have an answer I’m afraid, but it’s obviously a tale as old as time

Can I throw in a speculative theory?

Do they derive some pleasure out of shitting? I’m thinking something to do with pressure on the prostate? Lots of men like a finger up their arse after all!

Any medical professionals ( or men?!) out there wish to illuminate this thread??

It's a spray for washing your bum, installed as standard in ME bathrooms.

Either there's a sort of hose/shower attachment by the loo, with a trigger so you can just blast your nethers with it, or it's a handle on the side of the toilet, which shoots a jet up from beneath the seat, plumbed in to the bog.

Either way, it cleans your bits super efficiently, & the loo roll is just there to dry yourself.

I've lived in the ME for 7 years so am now a bit nonplussed by the absence of a shetaf - out here it is seen as pretty minging to just wipe yourself with tissue, potentially smearing poop around the area of your anus, when you could actually use water to clean yourself.

It's currently freezing here in Cairo though, so you do need to brace yourself a bit before blasting high pressure cold water at your quaking bumhole! But definitely cleaner.

Quote fail! That was in reply to a PP asking 'what is a shetaf?'.