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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

601 replies

hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:38

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 15/12/2021 10:33

They sometimes say the 'and obey' bit as well, but we don't tend to think that's a good thing anymore.

It's a point of view though, isn't it? But it is wrapped in with a completely different code of what is acceptable sexually. So - several weeks sex-free after childbirth (but less after a boy than a girl!!!), no sex while bleeding, fidelity expected and the man expected to 'love and to cherish' in return for 'to have and to hold'.

If you can, ask your grandparents - they didn't have the constant porn pressure to live up to. It is an entirely different landscape now.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 15/12/2021 11:14

These men don’t ever seem to be all that hot on the ‘to love and to cherish’ bit. It is not loving to expect and demand sex from someone who isn’t happily consenting to it and getting reciprocal enjoyment from it. If you expect to use your wife as a sex appliance then you are not cherishing her.

If you seriously think you’re justified in looking for sex elsewhere because your wife isn’t automatically up for sex whenever you want it, then you’re a pathetic male specimen and she’s definitively better off without you on every level that matters.

hotmeatymilk · 15/12/2021 13:50

Also “in sickness” – periods aren’t an illness but they make the OP pretty poorly. I can’t imagine wanting my sick partner to perform sex acts on me.

roarfeckingroarr · 15/12/2021 14:34

Such weird responses to this OP. I think I would be a bit sad if my partner ruled out oral but I would never want him to do something he didn't want. He knows you don't like it so why is he asking?

SunshineInMyTea · 15/12/2021 14:45

It’s interesting how on this thread so many are saying women should have sex/act they don’t want and even being shamed for not liking something….

But on the other thread, where the woman is thinking about becoming single mom, where one of of the reasons she doesn’t want a husband/man is because she doesn’t want to be pesterd to sex.
And on that thread most comments were how men are not like that, they do not pester for sex…

EerieSilence · 15/12/2021 14:50

Why would be he desiring Boris Johnson? Is floppy weird blond hair his type?

Eleganz · 15/12/2021 15:00

Perhaps you need to have a proper conversation with your husband about your sex life and personal boundaries.

I don't think anyone on Mumsnet is going to sort the issue out for you.

Wagamamasforlunch · 15/12/2021 15:24

@SunshineInMyTea

I'm sure a lot of men are entitled pigs about sex. Partly because of historical reasons, and partly because most modern porn seems to show woman as sex toys rather than actual human beings.

That doesn't mean that every relationship is like that though. Though when I was uni, I went on a 2nd date with someone and stayed over at his, we had sex in the evening and then again in the morning. In the middle of sex the second time, he asked "can I come on your face?", I said was a bit surprised because I was 19 and didn't know that this was even a thing, and said no, he made a sad face and said "oh go on, please?". Which gave me the immediate ick, his face and the way he said it when I was clearly uncomfortable was gross. I said "no, I've already said no and I'm not in the mood now, stop". He did and I got up and got dressed and left. He send me some grovelly texts but I never saw him again. I wonder if he's with anyone now and still a sulkly child when he's told no.

When I told my girl friends what happened, a couple of them said "well at least he asked". Like wtf?!

Wagamamasforlunch · 15/12/2021 15:25

But not all men are like that, I've never had an actual relationship with a sulker.

OhdearOhdearOhdearIndeed · 15/12/2021 16:30

Next time he asks for a 'BJ', bring him Boris Johnson in a thong.

Enough4me · 15/12/2021 16:51

Some things really kill the mood, male over expectation and sulking are big passion killers.

Compliments, affection, respect and relaxed flirting work best for me & I would think many women.

me4real · 15/12/2021 20:00

'to have and to hold'

@SpaceshiptoMars I don't think that necessarily need refer to sex, not nowadays anyway. Marital rape was made a crime as men don't have a right to sex with their wives on demand.

I agree that I like the idea of a nice Catholic guy (am not Xtian myself Grin ) as I thought they might tend to be more decent. But everyone is telling me you can't trust someone to be decent just because they're religious, and that Catholic/Xtian guys can be just as or maybe more seedy than others.

For sure porn has made it worse but a lot of men have probably been pests/rapey from the dawn of time.

Why would he be desiring Boris Johnson? Is floppy weird blond hair his type?

@EerieSilence Grin It must do it for someone maybe.

@Wagamamasforlunch When I was 19 I was more of a romantic, which I snapped out of later (but might get into again.) A man I was in love with said he wanted to do anal. When I said no, he said 'that means you're repressed' (of course.)

I tried anal over the years, but that's another thing I don't think I'll do again.

When I told my girl friends what happened, a couple of them said "well at least he asked". Like wtf?!

Sad Sad Sad

Next time he asks for a 'BJ', bring him Boris Johnson in a thong.

@OhdearOhdearOhdearIndeed Grin

SpaceshiptoMars · 15/12/2021 21:35

But everyone is telling me you can't trust someone to be decent just because they're religious, and that Catholic/Xtian guys can be just as or maybe more seedy than others.

More vanilla than a Classic Magnum, or wanting to drag you along to a swingers group. Russian roulette, really.

Stravaig · 16/12/2021 08:18

Reading this thread, I conclude it's a major design flaw that men can't suck their own dicks. Given that, and where their own hands are apparently inadequate to the task, perhaps society should expect them to take care of it among themselves? Especially the ones who roam in packs.

Spending hours at the pub, getting drunk and talking shite with your mates? Suck each others dicks while you're there. Off to the footy to beat your chests about how manly you and your team are? Suck each others dicks. Every non-working moment spent running, cycling, golfing? Suck each others dicks before you head home.

Love to see a sexually coercive man-child insist his big burly mate drop to his knees, service him on demand, let him come on his face. Or else he won't be his friend any more.

Sickened by the misogyny, sexual coercion and abuse of power being normalised in some of the comments here.

me4real · 16/12/2021 11:50

@Stravaig There are lots of venues where men who identify as straight can get a BJ (from other men, supposedly just because it's easier to get sex off men.)

Maybe we should encourage this if a bloke is too pestery for sex etc.

SwiissModel · 16/12/2021 17:22

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SwiissModel · 16/12/2021 17:24

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me4real · 16/12/2021 17:49

Aww, looks like I missed some 'treats.' Smile

MyDogLovesBiscuits · 17/12/2021 01:59

@Stravaig

Reading this thread, I conclude it's a major design flaw that men can't suck their own dicks. Given that, and where their own hands are apparently inadequate to the task, perhaps society should expect them to take care of it among themselves? Especially the ones who roam in packs.

Spending hours at the pub, getting drunk and talking shite with your mates? Suck each others dicks while you're there. Off to the footy to beat your chests about how manly you and your team are? Suck each others dicks. Every non-working moment spent running, cycling, golfing? Suck each others dicks before you head home.

Love to see a sexually coercive man-child insist his big burly mate drop to his knees, service him on demand, let him come on his face. Or else he won't be his friend any more.

Sickened by the misogyny, sexual coercion and abuse of power being normalised in some of the comments here.

So much this!!!

Also I love your Username.

UnRavellingFast · 17/12/2021 02:40

@hygtt

Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ.

I don't get this bit as if he didn't ask I presume it wouldn't happen as you don't like them?

If she doesn’t like them, then why would it be acceptable for him to demand repeatedly and sulk. There’s a word for coercive sex.
Stravaig · 17/12/2021 07:20

@me4real I did not know that. So many questions ...

Stravaig · 17/12/2021 07:22

@MyDogLovesBiscuits
Thanks! Tiny ways to feel more at home in an English-speaking world ...

Overthinkingx3 · 17/12/2021 08:15

Some people have 10 day periods. It is a thing. Having 3 day periods is not the norm for all, not remotely

It is horrific though - and does have an impact on sex and fertility .

OP I hear you . You meet someone you like , you have a nice family , kids and work and suddenly sex is another thing that has to be ticked off … and gets harder if you’re “off” for ten days and you may be working shifts another ten days . It’s tough - but unhelpful of him to deal with it like this

ESP if kid is still awake . Does he have nothing better to do ( like put kid to bed or read a story , or make you dinner ?)

ClaudiaJ1 · 17/12/2021 09:01

@Overthinkingx3

Some people have 10 day periods. It is a thing. Having 3 day periods is not the norm for all, not remotely

It is horrific though - and does have an impact on sex and fertility .

OP I hear you . You meet someone you like , you have a nice family , kids and work and suddenly sex is another thing that has to be ticked off … and gets harder if you’re “off” for ten days and you may be working shifts another ten days . It’s tough - but unhelpful of him to deal with it like this

ESP if kid is still awake . Does he have nothing better to do ( like put kid to bed or read a story , or make you dinner ?)

@Overthinkingx3 Absolutely untrue. Having 10 day periods is extremely rare and usually signifies something is wrong. 3-5 days is the norm.
Derbee · 17/12/2021 09:42

@ClaudiaJ1 it’s not EXTREMEMLY rare. About 5% of women experience long periods, which is counted as lasting more than 7 days (menorrhagia).

That said, because it is unusual, you should never ignore unusually long periods, because of the risk of hormone irregularities, fibroids, polyps, thyroid issues, PID, cancer etc.

But people do live with 10 day periods, and “extremely rare” is misleading