Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

[hereforthechat]

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

As an aside I'm amazed people have sex on their periods

It's really normal, can be good pain relief, and there is little risk of pregnancy.

Various religions ban it, though, so I suppose a lot of people find it unhygienic or whatever.

@Stravaig

Have you all seen the Consent as a Cup of Tea video?

OP's husband can't pre-contract to guarantee a sex act at a later time. That's not how consent works.

OP might not fancy a cup of tea later. Or, she might start drinking it, then not want to finish. Just because she drank tea once, doesn't mean she'll ever want to drink tea again. In fact, as we know, OP doesn't like tea at all. So the default assumption is that there will be no drinking of tea. Ever.

Don't try to arrange in advance that someone will definitely drink tea. Don't expect them to drink all the tea. Don't sulk or get angry or worse if they refuse the tea. Or if they don't finish drinking the tea. Don't hint/joke/ask/pester that they drink tea. Don't coerce them into drinking tea. And, if you already know that they don't like tea, don't ever, ever, ever ask or expect them to drink tea.

The problem with the tea analogy, and indeed with the attitude that 'you don't owe your partner/spouse sex', is that you do expect your partner to abstain from sexual activity with anyone else.

If a man were to ask his partner if she wanted to have a cuppa together and she declined, it would be perfectly reasonable for him to nip out to the cafe and get one for himself. Doesn't work that way with BJs though.

My opinion is inherent in marriage/LTR is the promise that you will support your other half and, as much as possible, see their needs are met. This is true for all their needs, but doubly so for sexual needs, where you are the only option they have.

Various religions ban it, though, so I suppose a lot of people find it unhygienic or whatever.

I'm not religious but I'd personally find it gross. However I get really heavy periods so it really would be a god awful mess. I imagine that's not the case for the women who do it and their men who go along with it. My husband has a very high sex drive and is up for it pretty much always, but even he would draw the line at a blood bath 😂

I think my DH would rather stick his willy in a gin trap, than pester me for a blow job when I'm on my period. It would certainly be safer.

As an aside I'm amazed people have sex on their periods

I was about 24 and had had 5 years of being sexually active before I realized anyone/met a man who saw it as an issue, so was really surprised.

But I know now that most people don't have sex when the woman is on her period. I'd have nothing against it personally though, but that doesn't mean OP or anyone else who doesn't want it then 'shouuld' have it.

My opinion is inherent in marriage/LTR is the promise that you will support your other half and, as much as possible, see their needs are met. This is true for all their needs, but doubly so for sexual needs, where you are the only option they have.

Sex isn't a need, it's a want. What about the other partner's need to not have sexual activity when they don't want it? I think that's much more of a need. Doing sexual stuff when you don't remotely want it is pretty unpleasant.

'Various religions ban it' and that is of course because the 'rules' of that religion were written by a bunch of old men, who found the thought of sex with a woman during her period gave them the ick, so they enshrined it in their holy book. There is no logical reason for it. They were disgusted at female bodily functions, those unclean revolting females, eh.

Interestingly a lot of females find oral sex icky, they get the disgust reflex about that But we're not allowed to express that apparently. Wonder why?

I thought it was much more likely because you're less likely to get pregnant! Most religions are v keen on women producing babies and frown on any attempt to reduce that.

Yeah that's probably a part of it too.

But I was thinking of the old Christian ceremony of 'churching' women a few weeks after childbirth (ie when she'd stopped bleeding), it's in old Church of England prayer books, the Jewish custom of Mikveh, or ritual baths for women after their period ends. Traditional societies in Africa sending women on their periods to live in a hut outside the village. Etc.

Disgust at female bodily functions enshrined in religion.

Absolutely. And I find the clerics insisting 'no no it's not misogyny it's just a beautiful service of thanksgiving, and the word unclean has been mistranslated' so ridiculous. This is one thing that is exactly what it looks like.

I think there's also stuff like women can't visit the temple in some religions while on their period, can't sit in certain places etc.

For those of you are ’pro-people should have sex with their partners when they don’t want to’, can I ask something?

Why would you want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want it?

I’m not asking about you being horny, needing it, about intimicy or sex being a must in a relationship.

I just want to know why would you want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want it?

That is a very good question, I've often wondered why. How can you relax and enjoy yourself knowing your partner is just putting up with it, or worse is coerced or even being raped? Can't imagine a woman doing that. Although it may happen of course, but not typical.

Unfortunately it seems that many men have a sexuality that is very different from the female one. Hence all the rapes that happen etc. It's as though desire is mixed in with a power thing? Just thinking aloud. Of course it is.

There are decent men, sadly not as many as there should be.

It's eternally puzzling to me that so few men seem to be able to grasp that if their partner is not generally up for sex during her period, it's because she is generally tired, feeling bloated/uncomfortable, not liking to have to do a clean-up etc. It's hard to feel sexy when you feel like crap.

If they simply showed a bit of proactive care/attention and generous affection in order to help their partners feel better ("Hon, would you like me to bring you a glass of wine/cup of tea on the couch" "Wriggle over here babe, you look tired, I can give you a shoulder massage or foot rub" etc) without making it into a 'tit for tat' request, it's highly likely their partners would start feeling loved and cared for, which naturally inspires a desire to do something their partner would appreciate in return (like a blow job)... without even being asked.

Men like the OP's partner, however, seem to see the pleasure of sex as an entitlement that their partner is obliged to provide (even if she's not getting pleasure in return), and not as a shared pleasure or outworking of a close emotional connection.

YANBU.

It's crass to ask. I would never ask my OH for the equivalent unless he hinted at it. Or we were having sex already at least.

It would turn me off.

The huffing is emotional abuse. I'd find it hard to get over that. If he does it regularly that's a deal breaker for sure.

See I just don’t get this. I posted a question in the sec topic recently about just “getting in the mood” immediately.

If my partner turned around to me and said “can I get a BJ” like he was ordering a cheeseburger I think my vag would slam shut like the cave of wonders!

( www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sex/4424954-Being-Getting-in-the-mood )

@Mothership4two

There have been many comments on this thread that make me feel uncomfortable as they seem to be implying that the OP is somehow at fault or 'failing' - I’d be more conciliatory/if you feel inhibited in that respect/Sounds like mismatched sex drives/sounds like sex for you is a chore/none of this seems to have been discussed before you got married/A 10 day period with no sexual contact every month?!/OP, I think you need counselling/I think you have been unkind in your response/sounds like your not very sexually compatible. I love giving head. wonder if it's sulking because he won't be getting a BJ, or upset because you've made him feel bad for wanting some intimacy./I see it as standard thing If it’s trauma get therapy/your obviously not into the guy,He cant help fancying a blow job sometimes or being annoyed at the way you worded the rejection as if he was a sex pest/OP posted wanting outrage/maybe the op's dh is just a normal human being who gets disappointed what with the 10 day rule etc/it’s a bit selfish not to do something if that’s what would make him happy/Why bother having a partner if you don't enjoy intimate relationships?! Just be single and watch telly every night undisturbed by all these annoying men daring to have sexual desires/your tone seems to have a general tone of disapproval around sex in general/“to be clear, that is not happening” is quite a cold-hearted response, and then to turn all your attention to your child for so long is just rubbing his nose in it. No intimacy for 10 days because of a period. Maybe you shouldn’t be surprised if he looks elsewhere/there is magic at the end of your fingertips...Why should husbands miss out?/surely these these are spoken about before marriage/withholding sexual intimacy for 10 days every month doesn't sound heathy imo/I’d leave my DH if he refused to get intimate for 10 days without a good reason/I would find it even more difficult to be with someone who was slightly grossed out by common place sex acts/sexual compatability should really be ironed out before marrying

I've probably missed a few. Some of the responses are quire shocking (to me)

SPOT. ON. !!!!

haven't RTFT but eugh, gotta say blowjobs are vile, I would only do one if I there was something in it for me as more often than not oral sex isn't reciprocated in a decent way anyway. I wouldn't put myself out to do this. Hence why i'm single lol

@wobblywinelover Yep, I've gone off most sex with other people. Though I like the idea of a guy genuinely making love to me. So, probably kind of the opposite of 'can I have a BJ?'

Agree with @me4real and @wobblywinelover maybe if most men didn't act like degenerates I'd find the idea more appealing but...yuck

@Pemba

That is a very good question, I've often wondered why. How can you relax and enjoy yourself knowing your partner is just putting up with it, or worse is coerced or even being raped? Can't imagine a woman doing that. Although it may happen of course, but not typical.

Unfortunately it seems that many men have a sexuality that is very different from the female one. Hence all the rapes that happen etc. It's as though desire is mixed in with a power thing? Just thinking aloud. Of course it is.

There are decent men, sadly not as many as there should be.

Excellent question. FTR I can only speak for myself, albeit as a man, but not for 'men'.

If my wife was very clearly conveying that she has zero interest and she isn't enjoying herself at all, I certainly wouldn't want to have sex with her. After all, it's not just the orgasm that I'm after (can easily take care of that myself), but the intimacy.

That said, if it isn't a case of her actively being not in the mood, only she's not 'yes' in the mood, I would expect her to sometimes make an effort to either put herself in the mood or pretend to be in the mood. Not every single time, but also not never.

Much the same as I do many things for her (not only sexual) graciously and with a smile on my face, even though I couldn't necessarily be bothered doing them. And I don't actually resent doing these things. Au contraire, I enjoy doing them not for their own sake, but because I know it makes her happy.

Basically what I'm saying in a good relationship, each spouse goes out of their comfort zone to make their partner happy. This is both something that happy spouses do for one another, but also something that can be expected from them.

If this is true generally, in my opinion it is even more true when it comes to sex. For unlike every other need or want, sex is the only one that can't be fulfilled except with the spouse.

If my wife would never want to cook me a good meal, I could always buy one. If she never showed interest in any of my hobbies, I could find others who are interested.

But the basis of LTR is sexual fidelity, meaning the only one who can fulfil each others needs/wants is the other half. Which is why I find the MN of 'I don't owe him sex' mind-boggling. If you expect him to only have sex with you, then actually you do owe him sex. Not at any given moment, and not at any specific time/interval. But conceptually you do have that obligation.

Basically what I'm saying in a good relationship, each spouse goes out of their comfort zone to make their partner happy. This is both something that happy spouses do for one another, but also something that can be expected from them.

No and if you expect your partner to go out of their comfort zone sexually EVER just to make you happy then you are an abuser. Your post is concerning

Pretend to be in the mood

Ew

It's as untrue to say it's out of bounds to ask for a bj out of the blue as it is for a woman to suggest that they might have a quickie out of the blue. It might not suit some people's style, but there isn't anything wrong or inherently transactional about it. People who are in a long term relationship are perfectly within reason to just be upfront if they are interested in sex or even feeling in need of some sexual relief. Their spouse is within his or her rights to say, sorry, not up to it, as well.

Some people are just more matter of fact and not all that romantic about sex, and it isn't confined to men either. And it's not wrong if sex sometimes is more for one partner than the other.

If you are in general not keen on period sexual activity at all, because you feel gross, or alternately find it frustrating, it's worth communicating that clearly.

I don't think there's anything wrong with precluding oral sex if you don't like it, but this seems to be an area where people are inconsistent on MN depending on whether it is the woman or man who doesn't like to do it. Now that it's entered the sexual lexicon as something that it totally to be expected in a standard sexual relationship, it's not so easy to negotiate with a partner over these things.

That said, if it isn't a case of her actively being not in the mood, only she's not 'yes' in the mood, I would expect her to sometimes make an effort to either put herself in the mood or pretend to be in the mood.

@swissmodel I don't believe you're real.

each spouse goes out of their comfort zone

The unpleasantness of having sex you don't want is a step beyond.

If you never go out of your comfort zone you're a selfish jerk. Probably live alone with a cat.

Your 'go out of your comfort zone' in this context is hype for 'have sex when you don't want it.' People who don't have sex when they don't want it aren't selfish, they're exercizing their own authenticity, psychological wellbeing, and autonomy.

I can't believe you're even happy with your wife faking iit.