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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

601 replies

hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:38

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
GreenEyeOfTheLittleYellowGod · 14/12/2021 03:03

Be a good girl and bow down to the mighty phallus however sweaty or demanding or unpleasant...and make sure you do it PROPERLY or go straight to jail do not pass go, do not collect your 'not like other girls' card

me4real · 14/12/2021 03:08

@Mothership4two I wasn't 100% serious but you know what I mean. I used to really go at it as if it was a competitive sport, but that just probably put me off it more in the long run.

CheeseMmmm · 14/12/2021 04:15

Slightly strange interjection.

Just wanted to point out that there's no universally right way to give a BJ.

Men are not all the same... They like different things same as women.

The 'right' way for men or women to perform oral sex is to understand what your partner enjoys.

(And it's best if you are both into it. And you don't want your OH to think. You're an arsehole who seems to think I'm a sex robot, not s person).

DBI78 · 14/12/2021 04:25

I wouldn't be in the mood for foreplay (or sex) if my oh requested it while I was dealing with my child surprisingly not a turn on at all. It sounded almost business like with very little in it for you. I wonder what his response would be if you requested oral sex with nothing for him after!

GreenEyeOfTheLittleYellowGod · 14/12/2021 04:26

@DBI78

I wouldn't be in the mood for foreplay (or sex) if my oh requested it while I was dealing with my child surprisingly not a turn on at all. It sounded almost business like with very little in it for you. I wonder what his response would be if you requested oral sex with nothing for him after!
Yeah it's almost like "how much for a blow job, love"
DBI78 · 14/12/2021 04:32

@JaniieJones

'How very far we still are from having healthy views on sex '

Totally agree. All the disgust at the dp daring to suggest sexual intimacy, all the anger and outrage.

It is normal for people to fancy each other, its an important part of a relationship. Yes no one should feel 'nagged', but neither should they feel repulsed by their partner's request.

Unless it's repulsive?
ImmutableSexQueen · 14/12/2021 04:50

When I read 'Can I get a bj?' I thought he was asking your permission to go to a sex worker or other provider.

StarlightLady · 14/12/2021 05:53

I just can’t imagine this scenario on so many levels.

  1. I can’t imagine just being asked out of the blue.
  1. I can’t imagine any intimate friendship without receiving and giving oral regularly. Nobody is going inside me if they are not going to go down on me anyway. Likewise l enjoy the passion of giving a blowie.
  1. I can’t imagine never having sex during a period outside of the heaviest days.
  1. I can’t imagine 10 day periods; have you spoken to your GP?
malificent7 · 14/12/2021 06:03

He was wrong to sulk 100% but id feel a bit hard done by if my dp didnt like oral.

Mothership4two · 14/12/2021 06:51

He was wrong to sulk 100% but id feel a bit hard done by if my dp didnt like oral

Would you pressure him to do it though?

If you RTWT lots of people don't like it

Mothership4two · 14/12/2021 07:11

@CheeseMmmm

This thread has posters patronisingly telling anyone who doesn't like/ enjoy giving blow jobs, that they're doing it wrong? Crikey

Yep. Although I expect that poster was a bit tongue in cheek (so to speak!). Grin

I am not sure what the really? but I love giving a BJ posters are trying to achieve?. I mean bully for them that they want to advertise their fab (oral) sex lives on here Hmm but are they making the implication that the OP should also be "up" for it even if she doesn't want to do it or that she really SHOULD like it? (And how much oral sex do these women get up to when they are feeling like sh*t and/or tired?) Odd and not particularly empathetic replies

Stravaig · 14/12/2021 07:14

Have you all seen the Consent as a Cup of Tea video?

OP's husband can't pre-contract to guarantee a sex act at a later time. That's not how consent works.

OP might not fancy a cup of tea later. Or, she might start drinking it, then not want to finish. Just because she drank tea once, doesn't mean she'll ever want to drink tea again. In fact, as we know, OP doesn't like tea at all. So the default assumption is that there will be no drinking of tea. Ever.

Don't try to arrange in advance that someone will definitely drink tea. Don't expect them to drink all the tea. Don't sulk or get angry or worse if they refuse the tea. Or if they don't finish drinking the tea. Don't hint/joke/ask/pester that they drink tea. Don't coerce them into drinking tea. And, if you already know that they don't like tea, don't ever, ever, ever ask or expect them to drink tea.

Mothership4two · 14/12/2021 07:15

There have been many comments on this thread that make me feel uncomfortable as they seem to be implying that the OP is somehow at fault or 'failing' - I’d be more conciliatory/if you feel inhibited in that respect/Sounds like mismatched sex drives/sounds like sex for you is a chore/none of this seems to have been discussed before you got married/A 10 day period with no sexual contact every month?!/OP, I think you need counselling/I think you have been unkind in your response/sounds like your not very sexually compatible. I love giving head. wonder if it's sulking because he won't be getting a BJ, or upset because you've made him feel bad for wanting some intimacy./I see it as standard thing If it’s trauma get therapy/your obviously not into the guy,He cant help fancying a blow job sometimes or being annoyed at the way you worded the rejection as if he was a sex pest/OP posted wanting outrage/maybe the op's dh is just a normal human being who gets disappointed what with the 10 day rule etc/it’s a bit selfish not to do something if that’s what would make him happy/Why bother having a partner if you don't enjoy intimate relationships?! Just be single and watch telly every night undisturbed by all these annoying men daring to have sexual desires/your tone seems to have a general tone of disapproval around sex in general/“to be clear, that is not happening” is quite a cold-hearted response, and then to turn all your attention to your child for so long is just rubbing his nose in it. No intimacy for 10 days because of a period. Maybe you shouldn’t be surprised if he looks elsewhere/there is magic at the end of your fingertips...Why should husbands miss out?/surely these these are spoken about before marriage/withholding sexual intimacy for 10 days every month doesn't sound heathy imo/I’d leave my DH if he refused to get intimate for 10 days without a good reason/I would find it even more difficult to be with someone who was slightly grossed out by common place sex acts/sexual compatability should really be ironed out before marrying

I've probably missed a few. Some of the responses are quire shocking (to me)

Mothership4two · 14/12/2021 07:17

@Stravaig

Yes I have and shown it to my 2 DS. It's a brilliant clarification. Thanks for reminder

hotmeatymilk · 14/12/2021 07:28

@Mothership4two Thank you for that roundup – it’s shocking seeing all the responses rounded up like that. I hope the OP is very resilient and doesn’t regret starting the thread.

SunshineInMyTea · 14/12/2021 08:14

@Mothership4two

Yes,it is very sad.
And I’m guessing many of thosecomments come from women, that’s scary!

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2021 08:56

@StarlightLady

I just can’t imagine this scenario on so many levels.
  1. I can’t imagine just being asked out of the blue.
  1. I can’t imagine any intimate friendship without receiving and giving oral regularly. Nobody is going inside me if they are not going to go down on me anyway. Likewise l enjoy the passion of giving a blowie.
  1. I can’t imagine never having sex during a period outside of the heaviest days.
  1. I can’t imagine 10 day periods; have you spoken to your GP?
I can't believe the number of posters with no imagination!
Wagamamasforlunch · 14/12/2021 10:01

2. I can’t imagine any intimate friendship without receiving and giving oral regularly. Nobody is going inside me if they are not going to go down on me anyway. Likewise l enjoy the passion of giving a blowie.

It's not really giving it if it's been prerequested is it? And definitely not passionate.

Phobiaphobic · 14/12/2021 10:27

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

Yes quite. Intimacy also comes from things like washing your loved one’s hair when they can no longer do so. Applying body lotion. Massaging hands and feet. All those things can be very intimate and can show a huge amount of love and foster a close connection when sex isn’t possible. Sex is only one facet of intimacy, and demanding sex when someone doesn’t want it, isn’t up to it, or feels too unwell to have it, is seriously messed up. If one wants or needs intimacy one can have it without having to have sex. But so often men in particular don’t want to bother with those other elements. They’d rather pester, coerce sulk, and demand. Which is wrong, and corrodes the relationship further rather than fostering a healthy, loving relationship.
Yes, it's not about intimacy, it's about gratification.
Phobiaphobic · 14/12/2021 10:28

@Mothership4two The misogyny runs deep.

SpaceshiptoMars · 14/12/2021 10:31

There have been many comments on this thread that make me feel uncomfortable as they seem to be implying that the OP is somehow at fault or 'failing'

I seem to have that feeling on most threads on Mumsnet!

Fidgetty · 14/12/2021 11:55

Lots of creepy MRAs and "pick me's" on this thread... ladies be sure to service your males on demand or he'll run away to a cool girl and leave you as a lonely spinster on the shelf 🤢

Fidgetty · 14/12/2021 12:01

As an aside I'm amazed people have sex on their periods and can only assume I have very different periods to these people... it would be like the Texas chainsaw massacre if I did it - not very sexy Grin So I'm with the OP on that one. I've never had sex on my period and no man has ever, ever complained about that? I would think them an utter creep if they couldn't wait a week and badgered me about it.

Derbee · 14/12/2021 12:21

@Fidgetty we put a towel down, and shower afterwards. Totally agree nobody should do anything they’re not comfortable with though

hotmeatymilk · 14/12/2021 12:27

And I’m guessing many of thosecomments come from women, that’s scary!
I’m guessing many of them don’t…