Page 9 | AIBU to think everyone hates their MIL?

Nietzschethehiker · 10/12/2021 00:01

Meh, this entirely comes down to behaviour , not the specific relationship.

Exmil (2 DS) - vile person, overbearing and nasty ....some behaviours (or rather exdh response to them) directly led to end of marriage
A truly messed up individual who apparently wrote the handbook on being a crap MIL.

DP DM - (4 DS) A truly wonderful human being whom I love. I do recognise she has a blind spot with all her DS and their partners as none of us can do any wrong. At all. I could shimmy naked up the high street of her small town yelling expletives and she would assume I had an excellent reason and cheer me on (but worry quietly a bit that I might catch cold)

My DM ( 2 DD) bloody awful MIL if left to her own devices. Pulled some truly batshit moves with Ex bil. Held firmly at arms length from DP who is fully aware I have his back to the nth degree and will (and have) shut her down from a great height when her demons try to come out to play.

Unpleasant people become MIL, DM and DIL. So do lovely people.

MintJulia · 10/12/2021 00:08

As a now-single mum of a boy, I'm determined not to become the vile mil. My own mil was spite personified and contributed significantly to our breakup.

I think my formula will be an open-ended offer to help, invite fairly regularly and never turn up without being invited. It is at least a reasonable place to start.

Rachie1973 · 10/12/2021 00:09

@Mercs

As a mum of boys I am honestly petrified people hate their mother in law and I am destined to become an old lady that never sees their kids or grandkids

Nooooo. I adored my late MIL and feel cheated that I had less time with her than other people.

She taught me a lot, especially as I have a tense relationship with my own Mother. The most valuable lesson was how to be a good MIL myself. I get on really well with my own DIL’s, partly due to my own personality but partly because I model my behaviour on hers.

It would have been her birthday yesterday, and I miss her every day. RIP Pat xxx

Pbbananabagel · 10/12/2021 00:27

Love mine, we are very different people and have rubbed each other up the wrong way before occasionally (she is definitely a matriarch with a capital M). We have found our own things to bond over and she is a wonderful gran to my boys. I do worry about never getting to be a mother of the bride and all of that stuff, so I just hope I have a good enough relationship with their future partners that I get to be as involved as I can in their lives.

whereislittleroo · 10/12/2021 00:46

I really wanted to love mine. I used to go out for coffee with her regularly at the start, took her dress shopping with my friends and I prior to my wedding and always tried to include her. I live really far from my family so wanted to feel like they were my family too. But she made it so hard.

She was highly critical, even shouting at my husband once to "for god's sake just have a steak" when we were out at lunch together because she didn't like that he was trialling a meat free diet (nothing to do with me). She didn't like my wedding dress, thought the bushfires were caused by terrorists, she talked over me, stated her opinions as if they were fact and got offended if you disagreed, tried to stop me from breastfeeding and would go into every room of my house looking for things to correct me on every time she visited. It got to the point I tolerated her for my husbands sake but just could t stand her.

I think as long as you are able to step back and not insert yourself into every element of your adult sons lives, and not criticise everything their partners do, you should be fine, even if you're very different people.

QuinnMovesOn · 10/12/2021 02:20

I loved and miss my MIL. I wish she could have been with us much longer.

heidbuttsupper · 10/12/2021 02:42

I despise mine. Huge backstory but she is evil and rotten to the core

stayathomer · 10/12/2021 02:47

See I think this is all very easy to say until you're in the position that you're on your own, people are off doing their own thing and you're tired and maybe stuff sore etc. My mum (and mil) were the easiest going most chilled people ever and then I noticed as things got harder health wise etc we got little 'oh were you not going to come over' comments that I'm guessing both would have been embarrassed about. We'd be unable to come over for some reason or I'd miss one phone call and I'd get a 'oh I missed you so much I wondered would you call again, I was telling Mrs x how I'm alone now (both live with sons)'. I think it's inevitable that we feel we're missing out and cling onto new life experiences such as a new baby. And I think 20 years in the future most people on MN who don't like their mil or dm will suddenly realise either they weren't so bad or will even find themselves doing the same!

stayathomer · 10/12/2021 02:49

Sorry, that was in reply to this: "Don’t be overbearing - forcing son and DIL to spend time with you using guilt tactics

Don’t spend little interest in DIL or son for 10 years and then suddenly want to be their best friend when GC arrive
Don’t become hysterical when your 25 year old son says he’s going to spend Christmas with his gf of 6 years
Don’t hog the newborn baby, take the baby out of sight of DIL, press to do anything with the baby, handle the baby like a play thing for your amusement. Let DIL have this time and be invited in rather than pushing your way in
Don’t act in a way that you know will lead to arguments between your son and DIL. Make their relationship with each other easier, not harder"

Isitmeorthemm · 10/12/2021 02:53

Mine can be very irritating but can be equally amazing. I dont hate her at all. I'm lucky in some ways and in other ways she can be overbearing but overall I quite like her.

Kanaloa · 10/12/2021 02:54

Mine is lovely. She’s not a perfect person but who is?

I think one thing that’s key is give and take. Of course sometimes a mil might just be a horrible person in which case nothing you can do. But you see it all the time on mumsnet with people saying aibu to go mad at mil because the free childcare she provides 5 days a week isn’t up to scratch?

Unfortunately in cases like that you need to balance it. You either pay a professional, and have it all your way, or you get it for free and are grateful for the favour. You can’t have all the mil bits you want (free childcare/babysitting/helping financially and practically) with the mil then disappearing conveniently when you can’t be bothered, and never asking a favour in return.

Kanaloa · 10/12/2021 02:55

So yeah, I was a bit lucky with a lovely mil but I also think I work hard at maintaining a good relationship as well. Bit of both!

allfurcoatnoknickers · 10/12/2021 03:07

I loved my mother in law more than my own mother! She died when she was only 58 and I miss her.

My step-MIL and ex-step-MIL are both awful though. Can't wait until philandering FIL gets bored with the current one and dumps her.

Bananarice · 10/12/2021 03:09

I never meet her as she died before me and dh got together.

I'm raising three sons, I hope to get along with all their partners in the future.

OFFREDOFFSTUART · 10/12/2021 03:32

I have had 3 mother-in-laws [don't ask] and am now a MIL myself.
My experiences with MILs have ranged from lovely to downright hostile...
I try my best with my DIL to be understanding- but more importantly, never say anything to my son which I wouldn't want repeated to her; even if I don't agree with what she's [allegedly] done/said. Also, I have called my son out openly, if he's rude/disrespectful to his wife.

OFFREDOFFSTUART · 10/12/2021 03:34

Also- don't do things which will put their relationship under pressure- be the flexible one!

EdgeOfACoin · 10/12/2021 03:57

Mine is lovely!

MyDogLovesBiscuits · 10/12/2021 04:13

I loved mine until my ex told her a pack of lies and she went cold and distant on me. We split and I never once heard from her again which really made me sad and wonder if she had ever really liked me at all.

Treat your children like adults and be nice to your DIL and if they are normal people you should be fine.

moni34 · 10/12/2021 04:17

Love mine

TheFairyCaravan · 10/12/2021 04:31

I love my MIL. She is the most kind, caring and considerate woman ever. She treats me as well as she treats her own daughters.

I’m the mum of 2 grown up sons, I don’t think mum DIL hates me. In fact I know she doesn’t. I adore her. She makes my son so very happy so that’s all I could ever want. When their relationship became serious she said that I was going with her, and her mum, to choose her wedding dress (she’s not been proposed to yet) because it would br something I’d miss out on by not having daughters. I thought that was a lovely gesture.

Flutterflybutterby · 10/12/2021 04:40

I love mine. Maybe even like her more than my husband 😂 Just kidding. But she is fab.

Chasingaftermidnight · 10/12/2021 05:04

I don’t like mine at all. She’s incredibly fussy, demanding and judgmental - not just of me but of everyone, including strangers on the street. I also don’t like my FIL for the same reasons.

But out of my group of friends the majority have great relationships with their MILs. I’m so envious of people who have that relationship in their lives. I think all you need to do is a) be nice; b) don’t come between your son and your DIL; c) don’t be judgmental of your DIL’s appearance, family, house, or parenting; and d) be as helpful as you can be without being intrusive. All fairly normal rules of social interaction tbh - the general principles aren’t confined to a MIL/DIL relationship. Normal people wouldn’t go to a neighbours’ house and pass comment on their parenting or housework, or cause a rift between the neighbour and his/her partner, so it should be perfectly straightforward not to do it with a son and DIL.

faithfulbird20 · 10/12/2021 05:13

Raise your sons well to be good partners and don't intrude on their lives when they're married and I'm sure you'll have no issues.

EssexLioness · 10/12/2021 05:44

I have been married twice and got on well with both MIL. They have both made an effort to meet up with me 1:1 eg for coffee, lunch, go shopping, spa days etc. When I split up with my ex I truly mourned the loss of MIL as she was the closest thing to a loving mum I’ve ever had. I know she struggled with that too.
My sister also gets on well with her MIL, but doesn’t meet 1:1 in this way. However, you do hear a lot of women who don’t seem to like their MIL so I feel very lucky with mine

Hothammock · 10/12/2021 06:00

My MIL is mostly sweet but as an imperfect human she has her oddities as we all do. The problem we have is very she tries to impose those oddities on us. She has done some really odd things which really common sense should have prevented. She has taken our children's things, toys and clothes, without permission and given them to her friends. She has treated our children differently to her daughters children who are showered with gifts, visits and money whereas our family get Biros and pound shop note pads. She makes unpleasant comments about their characters and habits, how dirty or untidy they are or how they will never be good at something. She insists on turning a blind eye to her filandering husband who has flaunted affair after affair to the world and expects us to join in with her doting on him and ignore the truth. This kind of stuff stacks up to become an irritation and makes it difficult to behave normally with her. As I said really common sense should have limited all this this but unfortunately MIL syndrome just seems to drag some women into the most peculiar and annoying behaviour.