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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think everyone hates their MIL?

282 replies

Mercs · 09/12/2021 21:22

As a mum of boys I am honestly petrified people hate their mother in law and I am destined to become an old lady that never sees their kids or grandkids

OP posts:
DBI78 · 10/12/2021 06:14

My mil is a pain in arse. (As is fil) They favour their dd, hubby and child over us and our kids. She sometimes says mean things and generally they make little effort. I find it hard as I lost my mum n my dad needs support and my sister is other side of country. So would really benefit from the support (emotionally as well as practical) so it's hard to see how much they support sil who also has her in-laws plus her hubby has two siblings so they have a big network supporting them and their one child. And we have none for us and out 3 children. But we make it work. In terms of one day being a mil myself I will try to be a warm and open one and hope it's reciprocated. In my experience daughters tend to stay closers than sons.

DBI78 · 10/12/2021 06:18

@TheLovleyChebbyMcGee

I like mine, she's a bit irritating ag times and can drive both DH and I up the wall, but we get on.

However my own mum isn't great to my brothers wife, but nice to my DH. DH and I joke that we're glad he got thd MIL he has and not the one my SIL has!

Just curious do you defend sil to your mum? I am that sil and nobody acknowledges I'm getting a rough deal!!
SparrowNest · 10/12/2021 06:33

I like mine!

LubaLuca · 10/12/2021 07:09

[quote SunscreenCentral]@LubaLuca the older my dear DF gets, the older the films we watch together ...
Classic movie nights are such a great way of relaxing and connecting, The Three Faces of Eve was a recent one[/quote]
It's not that she hasn't watched a film made since 1975, and prefers the oldies. She and FIL pride themselves on being 'out of the loop'. They have never wanted to watch a film, and she has never wanted to read a book. I'd watch anything with them if I thought it might give us something to talk about.

DrunkenKoala · 10/12/2021 07:46

Mine is great. It’s my own mother who I have problems with.

FlipFlops4Me · 10/12/2021 07:50

I loved mine and then I found out that for 30 years she's been faking it. She doesn't like me at all. She trusts me to manage her finances and to organise household repairs, but she doesn't like me.

My DH had a stroke almost exactly 6 months ago. It's affected him quite badly. She lives 10 minutes away and has visited once. The last time she phoned was 2 months ago about her gas bill. I think she's gone vlc with us but only since DH became unable to drive her round and run her errands. It hurts - even at my age.

Sceptre86 · 10/12/2021 07:54

Mine is a nice women kind and sweet and I like her well enough. We aren't best friends though and she favours sil (her other dil) over me and her children so I keep her at arms length. I phone her a few time a week and see her once a week pre covid. I have a 3 month old baby and she has seen her a handful of times , sil has a 2 month old baby that lives with mil and she has said that she is too busy to visit. Her loss as my kids simply aren't as close to her despite her living a 10 minute drive away compared to my parents that live 4 hours away.

As long as you aren't overbearing, don't offer up your opinion all the time and treat your dil's equally or better yet any grandchildren equally I'm sure you will be fine. It is up to your sons to cultivate their (future) children's relationship with you, not their mothers so maybe remind your boys of that.

FlipFlops4Me · 10/12/2021 08:05

I did think that even if she doesn't like me she'd care about her only child's health and progress. It feels as if now that he can't do anything for her he's vanished from her horizon. Very odd.

I don't mind if she doesn't contact me about me, iyswim, but my DH is so badly affected by his stroke that you'd think she'd check in on him even though that would mean talking with me (DH can't talk on the phone). I didn't even know we'd fallen out - we never "had words" or anything remotely like it. I thought we were friendly, caring and had a good relationship. I must be so thick.

Puffykins · 10/12/2021 08:10

I don't have a great relationship with my MIL but that is more about her generally being very unfriendly. She asks me to step out of the way of family photographs etc. She's also really very selfish. When DS was diagnosed with cancer - which was TERRIFYING and we were rushed to GOSH and there were emergency blood transfusions etc. - she was on holiday and asked us not to tell people until she was back as she didn't want to have to deal with telephone calls about it from her siblings. Oh and she was very not keen on mine and DH's engagement and told anyone who would listen that it wouldn't last. Basically, she doesn't much like me. She also hates my speaking when we're together and often does things like put her hand up to stop me and then asks questions across me to other people. She's a bit odd really.

couchparsnip · 10/12/2021 08:11

Mine is lovely. I wish she lived nearer or I'd be round all the time.
What she gets right is she enjoys the kids, is funny and is totally non-judgmental. Everything we do for the kids is fine with her! (Unlike my own mother who has hwr own opinions).

SexyBoris · 10/12/2021 08:12

I don’t hate mine

Roselilly36 · 10/12/2021 08:17

I loved mine to bits, she was a fantastic woman, helped me so, so much over the years, she was in my life for nearly 33 years, very sadly lost her to cancer very recently, it’s really tough, I miss her so much.

FestiveMelts · 10/12/2021 08:18

I get on with mine on a surface level but we aren't close. I'd love to "love" my MIL but the ship has sailed.

My advice is just be supportive of them, and help out as/when you're able especially if they have young children.

beautifullymad · 10/12/2021 08:20

I loved my now deceased MIL. I miss her every day she was like a mum to me. We saw each other two times a week, we always included her on family holidays and she adored her grandchildren. I nursed her until she died. It still hurts after all these years.

SuspiciousScully · 10/12/2021 08:37

I don't especially like my MIL these days but I have still voted YABU as I don't think it's inevitable. For a long time I got on very well with my MIL and I'm still friendly/polite, but when we lived with PIL for a while I saw things/discovered things that changed my view of her.

I think I'm a pretty easy-going person and would have loved to be friends with my MIL. But having found out she knowingly did things that put my kids (and me and DH) at risk and seeing how she cared for a family pet that was old and suffering, I have realised how selfish she is.

I have a friend who had a beautiful relationship with her MIL, though, and she was devastated when her MIL died recently.

Inertia · 10/12/2021 09:24

Mine's lovely, and my children absolutely adore her.

Chasingaftermidnight · 10/12/2021 11:00

I went to a friend’s house a couple of weeks ago and her MIL was staying. They get on really, really well and it was so easy to see why - her MIL is so kind, says only warm and nice things to and about her DIL, is incredibly helpful with their young children without being overbearing, and is totally non-judgmental.

One moment that stood out for me was when their 2 year old was having a tantrum and her MIL was totally chilled, helped calm him down, and made some remark about him being a typical toddler and how she still remembered her sons’ tantrums 35 years later. My MIL would have (and in fact has, of my toddler the same age) said ‘Oh goodness! How dreadful! Isn’t he spoilt!’

Chocolatewheatos · 10/12/2021 11:02

Mines alright. She can be a pain but so can my mum.
Don't treat your son like your possession and your DIL like an outsider or like she stole your son off you and you'll be fine.

DeepaBeesKit · 10/12/2021 11:03

Mines fine! Shes very different to me but we rub along fine.

KeepApart · 10/12/2021 11:04

I'm going to be honest and say I don't like my MIL. She's incredibly self obsessed, was borderline emotionally abusive to DH growing up, BIl still very much is the golden child. She has no concept of DH as an actual human being separate to her. She's also racist, sexist you name it. Doesn't like me to 'spend DHs Money' nevermind the fact that I earn 3x that of DH, and she's quite happy when I'm buying her meals out/drinks

If any of her actions came from a place of love of DH I think I would forgive her. But they dont. She's actually a lot worse with BIL and SIL, and really cannot process SIL is BIL choice to spend his life with. Her treatment of her own elderly DM and MIL has been shocking tbh, and if neither of her sons wanted to care for in her old age it would only be what she has dished out.

Honestly though all my issues aren't really anything to do with her being my MIL, just that she's not a very nice person, and there are definite actions that have lead to me feeling as I do. I would feel the same if I met her at work. Fortunately DH is an adult and can facilitate his own relationship with his mother as much or as little as he wishes. I think most people do like their MIL as long as they don't bahave like a dick

BigWoollyJumpers · 10/12/2021 11:14

My MIL is lovely, much nicer than my DM. Terrible thing to say, but I will be much more bereft when MIL passes, than I was when DM died.

GreetingsAndSalutations · 10/12/2021 11:24

I love my MIL! I’ve even said to my partner that if we ever split up I want some kind of joint custody arrangement where we share his mum because my kids and I love her that much. My MIL have disagreed about things but it’s literally just that, we talk about it, agree to disagree and move on. All totally normal.

My ex MIL I hated. She is an ignorant, childish, spiteful, homophobic idiot. Dumping her son was a massive relief threefold: I got shot of him, his issues and his fucking moron parents. Disagreements with that lot went on and on because they could never agree to disagree, always a great long argument to convince me that I was “wrong” and they were “right”. Tiresome as fuck.

Basically, in my experience anyway, it would be unusual to hate someone just because she was your MIL. There’s usually a reason behind it.

2pinkginsplease · 10/12/2021 11:28

I get one great with mine, she is laid back, never interferes, she could make more of an effort at times but she doesn’t cause us any bother,

fastandthecurious · 10/12/2021 11:31

Mines lovely. She's not as involved with DS and our family as my family is but that's her choice not mine. I've never had a problem with her🤷‍♀️
I've had this worry about DS too but really I just assume if you're not a dick the DIL will like you enough

HoseMeDownWithHolyWater · 10/12/2021 11:36

Mine is a twat and has a nasty streak. She thinks nothing of aggressively telling people to shut up if she's not the centre of attention.

I'd love a MIL I could be close to and meet up with, but mine is hard work and I just can't form that bound with her.

I have never, and will never, stop her having a relationship with my children. I just leave it up to my husband to facilitate.