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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think everyone hates their MIL?

282 replies

Mercs · 09/12/2021 21:22

As a mum of boys I am honestly petrified people hate their mother in law and I am destined to become an old lady that never sees their kids or grandkids

OP posts:
Samcro · 09/12/2021 21:38

Mine was lovely, still miss her.

Chocoqueen · 09/12/2021 21:38

Mine drives me nuts sometimes but overall is a good person and has always been welcoming to me. She adores DD, which is the main thing in my book.

ChocolateCakeYum · 09/12/2021 21:39

Hate mine. Cut her off. OH cut her off too.

She’s a drunk, very manipulative and a huge gossip (to the point that the lies she spreads are dangerous ones.

I decided I didn’t want that around my kids and I could never trust her with ds anyway, even if we were still speaking to her as she used to leave her toddlers alone in cars on baking hot days to drink. His dad was the same (we don’t speak to him either).

Crunched · 09/12/2021 21:40

I did go through a stage of not getting on with MIL. Now though we rub along fine. I have hopefully learnt from the experience to be a better MIL when the time comes.
Like you Op, I dread having a DIL who doesn't want me to meet my grandchildren until they are a month old and spends all her time with her own mother. I hope I have bought my DS up in a way to want me involved with his children as he will be doing 50% of the parenting.

Zarene · 09/12/2021 21:41

Mine is awesome.

LynetteScavo · 09/12/2021 21:42

Mines OK. It's a shame she's not a better grandma though. It's always been me/DH encouraging contact. If we don't she won't see us from DDs birthday in summer (but only if we push it) until Christmas. Then we'll insist on seeing her again on Mother's Day. She only lives in the other side of town. Maybe she hates me Grin DH has tried to invite her over this week so he can have a chat with her with out her DH around, but she won't. She does actually like DH much more than his sister, she tells us

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 09/12/2021 21:42

I love mine. They see lots of our DC and we even holiday with them at least once a year. We’re very lucky as good relationships with both sets of parents.

NumberTheory · 09/12/2021 21:42

My MiL is fine. I doubt we'd ever be best friends - we have very different attitudes to life - but we both try to get on and it works pretty well. We see her more than we see my own mother.

I think the bigger thing is - can you and your DH bring your DSs up to maintain relationships and not just let them slide and rely on a wife to put in all the emotional labour?

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/12/2021 21:42

I love my MIL!

weegiemum · 09/12/2021 21:42

Mine is lovely now, we get on really well.

She didn't like me much to begin with. Dh had moved from NI to Scotland for uni. He had no plans to ever go back but she always thought he'd be coming "home". I was the wanton Scottish woman who was keeping her wee boy away from her. When we got engaged she cried, and they were not tears of joy.

I tried really hard and we were getting on better and then I produced grandchildren, and now I can do no wrong. She visits us (.....still in Scotland) often, has a great relationship with her now adult grandchildren and last Christmas I really missed her, dh always has to work right up till Christmas Eve and so she and I have our own wee things we do together now in those few days before Christmas. I don't have any relationship with my own mother and I'm lucky as I have my lovely stepmum and mil as mother figures in my life

SenecaFallsRedux · 09/12/2021 21:42

I loved mine dearly. She and I had a lot in common. She died several years ago, and I miss her, especially at this time of year. She often spent Christmas with us.

Fifthtimelucky · 09/12/2021 21:43

My mother in law is sadly no longer with us, but we got on very well. She also got on very well with my husband's ex-wife and they stayed in contact until she died over 40 years after the divorce.

Some of the threads I read about relationships between mothers in law and daughters in law make me very glad I have daughters rather than sons.

newyearsresolurion · 09/12/2021 21:43

Half and half with mine. If you respect your sons’ future wives’ boundaries and don’t be overbearing then you might get on with them

HikingforScenery · 09/12/2021 21:44

Mine is so lovely! I love her!

Junepir · 09/12/2021 21:44

@stayathomer

I love mine but yes I have 4 boys an DC because I have no girls am assuming if they get married I'm out of the picture (think about it - the woman plans the wedding with her mum, she's the one who actually gives birth ... it's all about keeping the wife happy and not being with a mammy's boy- these are extremes of course but not far off the truth!!)
I think there’s some truth to the woman’s mum being more involved in some of those life events, but I don’t think there’s any reason MILs shouldn’t be involved too.

My MIL came to a wedding fair with me and was there when I got my wedding dress- but then was quite demanding about having who she wanted invited including friends I’d not met.
With impending grandchild I’ve had her over helping me to sort baby clothes and already asked her to look after baby for an event etc- but then she pushes it sulking that we had bought big ticket items without her input and making visiting and childcare demands.

You don’t have to bite your tongue all the time but being laid back and respectful that your sons and their spouses decisions are theirs to make and not yours is the recipe to success I think.

I also think (maybe unfairly) that you should focus on what you can give and not on what you can take- so offers of practical help etc should always come before demands!

Take it from me a DIL is much more likely to invite around a MIL who puts the kettle on and brings an M&S meal deal, sits back and chats whilst baby is breastfeeding, coos over baby for a bit, and then leaves, rather than one who charges in, ignores mum & grabs baby, offering ‘opinions’ (read criticism) about parenting, the house etc etc

DrNo007 · 09/12/2021 21:44

I love mine and see her as a sort of saint. She seldom says a bad word about anyone and even though we come from different countries and cultural backgrounds she accepted me from the start. I see a lot more of her than my own mother.

lockdownalli · 09/12/2021 21:45

First MIL was lovely.

Second one was a total bitch.

My own DIL is wonderful and loves me Grin

romany4 · 09/12/2021 21:45

Yabu

I have 2 sons. Both engaged to lovely girls and I've just become a grandmother for the first time. I see my grandson at least twice a week and get on fantastic with the girls.
I'm a bloody lovely MIL...

BellaTheDarkOverlord · 09/12/2021 21:46

MIL has two boys only, no girls. I get on great with her. I'm currently wrapping up some pjs for her for Xmas since she mentioned last week FIL isn't getting her any as they decided to buy each other household items only this year. I don't want her missing out on new pjs as we both look forward to new pjs every Xmas Smile. PILs are great, going on holiday with them next year. MIL struggles with other DIL but that's not MILs fault by far!

Chrysanthemum5 · 09/12/2021 21:47

I loved my mother in law (but everyone loved her!). My son is 17 and I get on well with his girlfriend. So it's not an automatic thing

DigitalGhost · 09/12/2021 21:48

Mines ace, nothing like my mum but still a lovely person.

Darkpheonix · 09/12/2021 21:50

I like my mil more than dp does.

Honestly, from my observations alot (not all of the time) is often not just a mil problem. It's usually a mil and dil problem, with both contributing, that the man ignores or makes it worse and just festers.

My brothers wife disliked my mum. But sil is an arse. I haven't spoken to her in 5 years since she told me my kids shouldn't have been born, because I wasn't a sahm.

Mum never rose to it though, she always refused to engage as she didn't want it to escalate to where she ended up with no contact with her son. For a while it seemed that sil just got worse. But eventually, she backed off.

Obviously some people are awful. So some mils will be. But I very much doubt in all cases where people dont like their mil, its always entirely the mils fault. Its often more complicated than that.

ineedaholidayandwine · 09/12/2021 21:50

Don't hate mine at all, get along great with her and she's a super nanna, great with my daughter but always respects our requests/choices as parents

firstimemamma · 09/12/2021 21:50

I love mine!

Totalwasteofpaper · 09/12/2021 21:52

Hmmm not sure

I got on fan-tastically with 3 or 4 or my exs mothers - sadly their sons didn't cut the mustard Wink so I don't think it's a blanket rule.

I do dislike my actual MIL she is a bottomless emotional well, self absorbed and demanding hard work and I do think the MIL / DIL relationship dynamic can be complicated.

My aunt in law is an utter treasure 😍 and I wish she was my mother in law. Am jealous of whoever snags her son