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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think everyone hates their MIL?

282 replies

Mercs · 09/12/2021 21:22

As a mum of boys I am honestly petrified people hate their mother in law and I am destined to become an old lady that never sees their kids or grandkids

OP posts:
SuPerDoPer · 09/12/2021 22:25

My ex-MIL was a bit overbearing and desperate to be liked because she really wanted to be my friend and to pressure me into having kids. I avoided her as much as possible. Ironically we now have a much better relationship as her DS has married someone else and I maintain contact with her so she can see the children. She is a lot easier to get on with now she has 6 grandkids and 3 DIL and she can have a relaxed relationship with me.

Fridaynight2021 · 09/12/2021 22:26

I’ve got a current in-law thread going. I’m sorry if that’s panicked you. It used to panic me as a mum of boys, but I’ve realised that there’s some things my MIL did that have led to our terrible relationship, and if I avoid doing those things then I hopefully can have a positive relationship with my (maybe) future DILs.

  • Don’t be overbearing - forcing son and DIL to spend time with you using guilt tactics
  • Don’t spend little interest in DIL or son for 10 years and then suddenly want to be their best friend when GC arrive
  • Don’t become hysterical when your 25 year old son says he’s going to spend Christmas with his gf of 6 years
  • Don’t hog the newborn baby, take the baby out of sight of DIL, press to do anything with the baby, handle the baby like a play thing for your amusement. Let DIL have this time and be invited in rather than pushing your way in
  • Don’t act in a way that you know will lead to arguments between your son and DIL. Make their relationship with each other easier, not harder. Don’t try and force your son to take sides or show loyalty

That’s just my thoughts and it was on those points that our relationship broke down.

hangrylady · 09/12/2021 22:27

Mine is nice. I don't love her like a mother but she's a good person and a brilliant grandmother. The MIL bashing threads on here are always about overbearing MILs with no boundaries, if you're not like that you're fine.

Camembear · 09/12/2021 22:27

My MIL is great. Outstanding person.

StripyHorse · 09/12/2021 22:29

My MIL is lovely.

At times she can be a bit overbearing, but her heart is in the right place. I am sure I annoy her too from time to time.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 09/12/2021 22:29

I love mine. She tells me all the time she sees me as a daughter. I one day hope that when DS wants to settle down that I'll view his partner as a member of my family and vice versa.

MaggieMagpie1 · 09/12/2021 22:31

I miss mine something awful. She died a year ago on Sunday and she was probably my biggest cheerleader. I'm still trying to do things that would make her smile.

MazzleDazzle · 09/12/2021 22:33

My MIL used to do things that really rubbed me up the wrong way (I probably did the same to her!), but things have mellowed over the years. I think it’s common for there to be a bit of tension over weddings and when the first child arrives.

I organised a surprise party for her birthday, whereas her sons wouldn’t have bothered! We get along fine. I have much more patience towards her than my DH.

Just10moreminutesplease · 09/12/2021 22:36

I love mine. I mean she annoys me sometimes (as I’m sure I do her), but no more than my own mum Grin.

Respect your future daughter in law’s and don’t try to control your son’s lives and I’m sure you’ll be fine!

Ameanstreakamilewide · 09/12/2021 22:37

I love mine - she's great, bless her.

My husband always says that she loves me more than she loves him!

MarshmallowSwede · 09/12/2021 22:38

I don’t hate my MIL. We have a very nice relationship and she’s always been kind to me and welcoming. We are actually quite close I would say. So it’s possible to have a good relationship with MIL.

I joke to my husband that MIL and I will go live somewhere warm (MIL loves beach holidays) and husband and father in law can stay in Sweden and be grumpy together. Lol

DDMAC · 09/12/2021 22:38

I’ll be honest I’d say up until about 4 years ago I disliked her. ALOT. She was horrible to me and I did so much for her, no matter what I did it was either not enough or not done right. I stole the best son yes she told me this.
Once I figured out what her problem actually was we actually get on. She has very low self esteem and can’t cope with interacting with other people. I always know now when she’s worried or anxious about something because I immediately get it in the neck. Now that I’ve been able to put a name on it I can handle the situation so much easier and we mostly ‘get on’ for the most part. Sticking up for myself a few times and the fact that she’s getting old help too. I don’t think she has the energy to gripe anymore.

girafferafferaffe · 09/12/2021 22:38

I love mine!

QueenFool · 09/12/2021 22:39

My mil is lovely, a real gem

MindTheGapMoveAlong · 09/12/2021 22:39

My DH loves my DM but says his own is a self- centred drama queen without an ounce of maternal instinct about her. We both live his DFvthough!

Pensieve · 09/12/2021 22:39

I like my PIL. Don’t see them that often as live 3 hrs drive away but stay with them 3-4 times a year and have holidayed with them. They are supportive (verbally), interested in us/DC albeit from a distance, never tried to tell us how to parent etc. I exchange messages occasionally on WhatsApp to keep in touch and I know if I was struggling with something and asked for their help they would without hesitation. They don’t take their sons side and treat me as a person. They their little foibles as everyone does but are decent people so can’t ask for more really.

Panacotta · 09/12/2021 22:40

Some mils are a nightmare! Mine is bloody hard work. I mean above & beyond hard work!

But she's well meaning. And a fabulous grandmother. So I try to encourage dh to see the best in her.
A pain in the bum but we all love her anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

dangerrabbit · 09/12/2021 22:40

I love my MIL, she is my favourite in-law

Panacotta · 09/12/2021 22:40

Oh and she & I are both mums of boys. So I get your concerns.

EishetChayil · 09/12/2021 22:42

Mine is an absolute angel. I'm closer to her than to my mother.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/12/2021 22:43

My MIL is a delight.

ThreeWiseBuddhas · 09/12/2021 22:43

Mine's a rude, lazy, sarcastic narcy bastard

Gretaburley · 09/12/2021 22:43

I think there are nice mil's and very difficult mil's.
My mil was mostly nice with the odd interfering streak.
There are also some shocking dil's too.
My dil is lovely.

My db ex wife was the most horrible person I've ever met. She spoke to my dm as if she was a piece of dirt. My dm put up with all of it so she could see her dgc.
She would have said ny dm was a difficult mil.
Truth is exsil was a nasty bitch.

AnGofsMum · 09/12/2021 22:43

I don’t get on with mine but she is a generally difficult person. I am really envious of friends who have great relationships with their MILs and wish I had that.

LubaLuca · 09/12/2021 22:44

Mine used to be OK when she was more active and had interests, but she's become quite unbearable now she never leaves the house. They live an incredibly insular life in a peculiar village, and she has no comprehension of what life is like for people doing regular jobs, in regular communities with regular stresses. I'm a villain because I don't want to move hundreds of miles to be near them. They won't even visit us!

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