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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should i stay out of it or mention to her mum?

165 replies

ImJustMum · 09/12/2021 10:56

Doing the school run this morning and a nan of a little boy in my sons class was taking him to school along with his younger sister who is in reception. Little girl was upset about something and crying whilst holding nans hand and walking along. Nan turned to her (not realising i was behind her) and said 'shut up X, youre always crying for attention, just like your mum'. Now there was no need for the last comment nore to speak to her like that and id be fuming if i found out my own mum had spoken to my child like that. Little girl was clearly very upset afterwards still and looked very down trodden. I wasnt sure wether to ping their mum a message asking if X was okay as nan seemed a bit frustrated with her this morning. I mentioned it to my friend who said nan favours the boy and isnt particularly nice to the little girl. I know id want to know but i dont want to be shit stirring either!

OP posts:
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 09/12/2021 14:34

[quote Newmumatlast]@starcup reporting to SS hasn't been suggested...[/quote]
Reporting to the school has, and others have suggested reporting but not specifying where they recommend reporting to.

On a separate note I don't think people should be bringing up the murder of a child to make their point tbh. His death isn't a point scoring exercise to get people to agree with you. Imagine if his family is on this site and seeing Arthur being brought up on lots of threads at the moment to shut down others. It's really disrespectful.

Make your point, by all means, but don't use someone else's tragedy to do so.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 09/12/2021 14:41

I agree with sending a message as you can present it factually and it can be referred to exactly as it is. I did the same thing when I saw someone I know’s childminder distracted on her phone on a busy road whilst her 2 year old toddled along precariously. The mother shrugged it off but I was pleased I had said all the same. There’s actually a few mothers I regret having not said things to for the sake of being polite (eg the mother who strapped her 1 year old in the adult front seat of a car for a 5 min journey as she ‘couldn’t be bothered’ with the children’s car seat in the back”)

It’s never wrong to say something. Don’t know how you should phrase it but someone with better ideas than me will come along

mummywithtwokidsplusdog · 09/12/2021 14:43

I would send a message. It’s important she is aware, and if you send a message you can take your time to compose it etc whereas in person might be more tricky- and she might appreciate reading it away from an ‘audience’.

littleburn · 09/12/2021 14:49

@ChangeChingyChange

Usually I would say stay out of it. But since reading about poor Arthur I now have to attitude of report/say everything. Never let a child go unnoticed. So I'd say something. I would tell the mum what she said, even if it backfires and she sides with her mum I'd still tell her.
Totally agree. I've promised myself not to turn a blind eye however 'small' the incident may seem
Alltheblue · 09/12/2021 14:55

On a separate note I don't think people should be bringing up the murder of a child to make their point tbh. His death isn't a point scoring exercise to get people to agree

That's not why they're doing it. This isn't a game. I'm sure his grandparents would want people to share worrying information more quickly.

littleburn · 09/12/2021 15:06

@Alltheblue

On a separate note I don't think people should be bringing up the murder of a child to make their point tbh. His death isn't a point scoring exercise to get people to agree

That's not why they're doing it. This isn't a game. I'm sure his grandparents would want people to share worrying information more quickly.

Good lord! People are bringing up Arthur to make the point that his murder has made them reflect and think differently about their response in situations like this. It's not to 'point score' Hmm
AliceMcK · 09/12/2021 15:06

I’d say something. I’ve no problem saying things to people if I see something off. I’ve done it several times, similar with a grandparent, when I told the mother she admitted she hated her in-laws watching her kids because they were ridiculously harsh on her kids (they don’t like her) but she was limited with childcare. another time I witnessed a Dad having a go at his DD at the park, I knew there were ongoing issues with the little girl not wanting to see him, this confirmed to the mum what she suspected and was very greatfull as a couple of other parents had also witnessed things and told her. If someone tells me to fuck off and mind my own business then that’s fine, but at least I know I had at least said something.

IWantMoreStationery · 09/12/2021 15:06

@Wopies

Ask yourself if you could want to know if that was your child and your mum? I would want someone to tell me.
Me too.
RobertaFirmino · 09/12/2021 15:08

@VainAbigail

I mentioned it to my friend who said nan favours the boy and isnt particularly nice to the little girl

Thing is, that’s just your friends opinion.

So that's two people who have noticed how the little girl is being treated...
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 09/12/2021 15:08

That's not why they're doing it. This isn't a game. I'm sure his grandparents would want people to share worrying information more quickly.

You literally don't know what his grandparents stance on this would be Confused

A grandparent snapped at their grandchild and Arthur's murder has been used to justify implementing safeguarding procedures.

Its not a game, you're right, so why people think that it's OK to use his murder to somehow prove their point.

I've seen it numerous times on here over the last week or so, if you can't make your point without having to use another families tragedy then it's probably not a valid point in the first place.

Encouraging people to REPORT REPORT REPORT this one minor incident is irresponsible and will over stretch services that are already overstretched.

If there was a few instances, or the mum was also behaving like this, or there was anything else worrying, fair enough, one incident of snapping at a kid on the school run does not warrant school or SS intervention.

1forAll74 · 09/12/2021 15:13

i would stay out of this. It doesn't indicate that anything is amiss within the family set up of the Nan,the child, or the child's Mother etc.. I have heard much more horrible comments spoken to children,by their Mothers and Fathers of Grandparents, whilst walking to school, or walking in towns etc, basically complaining about a childs behaviour of some kind.

IncompleteSenten · 09/12/2021 15:37

Quick question for the ones bringing up reporting to social services.

Given the OP asks if she should stay out of it or tell the mum, and those replies saying 'tell' are for the most part saying tell the mum - do you think she should tell the child's mum the facts of what she saw?

ChangeChingyChange · 09/12/2021 15:52

@Staryflight445

‘ ChangeChingyChange

Usually I would say stay out of it. But since reading about poor Arthur I now have to attitude of report/say everything. Never let a child go unnoticed. So I'd say something. I would tell the mum what she said, even if it backfires and she sides with her mum I'd still tell her.’

Surely the story of Arthur should remind others to not be reporting petty little incidents like in the OP, social services are overstretched and things would be taken more seriously if people stop doing this.

Goodness me.

I didnt say report this incident to social services Hmm I said tell the mum.
FabriqueBelgique · 09/12/2021 17:21

It’s hard because it could backfire on you and them both call you liars, you don’t know just how messed up the family dynamics are.

But that shouldn’t stop you possibly protecting a little girl from verbal abuse I suppose.

Almostmenopausal · 09/12/2021 17:25

@ImJustMum Definitely tell her. Her child is being abused......

Heepers · 09/12/2021 17:27

@Ubiquery

I would mention it to the safeguarding officer at school. Let them decide what, if anything, should be done with the information. My view on this is due to years of safeguarding training in education; I’d feel a professional obligation to say something.
As a teacher, I think this is a very good idea actually and how I'd proceed if I were the OP.
Mushypeasandchipstogo · 09/12/2021 17:38

If the mum is a friend of yours yes, I would say something.

PWYP76 · 09/12/2021 17:40

Why not say something at the time to the Nan??!

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 09/12/2021 18:20

I have heard much more horrible comments spoken to children,by their Mothers and Fathers of Grandparents, whilst walking to school, or walking in towns etc, basically complaining about a childs behaviour of some kind

Lovely. So because you’ve heard children being treated even more appallingly, this appalling treatment should be allowed to slide?

ClaudiaJ1 · 09/12/2021 18:49

Yes, you should definitely tell the mother. It sounds like the little girl is being emotionally abused.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 09/12/2021 18:51

@ChangeChingyChange

Usually I would say stay out of it. But since reading about poor Arthur I now have to attitude of report/say everything. Never let a child go unnoticed. So I'd say something. I would tell the mum what she said, even if it backfires and she sides with her mum I'd still tell her.
Absolutely this
ClaudiaJ1 · 09/12/2021 18:52

Tell the mother in person, that way you can really talk about it, not in the stilted way text messages can be.

bloodyhoodedeyes · 09/12/2021 18:55

I'd want to know

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 09/12/2021 19:05

Tell the Mum.

I believed that as it was just me she despised that she'd be fine around my girls, as she loved my SB's kids and I'd seen her be fine with them on multiple occasions.

Found out years later that the bitch wasn't fine around the eldest at all. But nobody had told me.

Mousetown · 09/12/2021 19:18

I would say something and I would have zero tolerance for whatever shitty “bad morning” excuse the Nan had.