Should i stay out of it or mention to her mum?

[ImJustMum]

Doing the school run this morning and a nan of a little boy in my sons class was taking him to school along with his younger sister who is in reception. Little girl was upset about something and crying whilst holding nans hand and walking along. Nan turned to her (not realising i was behind her) and said 'shut up X, youre always crying for attention, just like your mum'. Now there was no need for the last comment nore to speak to her like that and id be fuming if i found out my own mum had spoken to my child like that. Little girl was clearly very upset afterwards still and looked very down trodden. I wasnt sure wether to ping their mum a message asking if X was okay as nan seemed a bit frustrated with her this morning. I mentioned it to my friend who said nan favours the boy and isnt particularly nice to the little girl. I know id want to know but i dont want to be shit stirring either!

I would say something.

It’s a difficult one. As an isolated incident I probably wouldn’t say anything to be honest. We all have moments where we snap and say things we don’t necessary mean.
On the other hand, early interventions can help save children from awful circumstances. I think you have got to be prepared to tell your friend the whole story tho, not just say that nan seemed frustrated, because otherwise what is the point of mentioning it? It’s what she said and how she said it that bothered you.

Thing is, all you're doing is mentioning it to the mum. You're not calling social services on her. You're letting the mum know and leaving it in her court.

For people saying she was stressed etc, if I made a comment like this to my own child and someone over head I wouldn't actually mind them bringing it up as I think it's good to be a reflective parent and be held accountable for your behaviour to a certain extent.
Maybe the school run is too much for the nan and she needs support for example.

I've got 2 small children and have never spoken to a child like that so we haven't all had those mornings Same

@Staryflight445

She's not suggesting reporting her to SS though, just the child's own mother?

@Staryflight445

As my comment above *@Twilight7777*

OP isn't saying she wants to report to SS though?

If I knew the mother, I would say something. I was the less-favoured grandchild in a similar way, and it is damaging. Not SS-level (I'm not suggesting that anyone should be reported for abuse), but it undermines the child's sense of who they are and it can affect them long-term. It doesn't have to be potentially fatal to be worth speaking out about.

Say something.

I've seen multiple threads lately asking what we can do to stop children being abused and neglected. Ignoring things like this is not the way.

I'd tell the mum - it might be that she is only maintaining a relationship with her belittling, abusive mother because she falsely believes that "Ah she's changed, she's a wonderful granny"

Depends really. Are you prepared for the mum and nan to confront you and ask you what you heard? If yes and you're prepared for backlash and the evil eye, that's fine. If you're not then stay out of it. To me, I wouldn't get involved because it could be true that the girls mum used to cry for attention when she was younger, it's probably what she meant. However if she called the child names and used bad language, e.g. shut up you stupid bitch. Then yes I would, I'd tell school because that's abusive behaviour. What you heard, I wouldn't class as abusive.

I agree that the last bit shouldn't have been said. However, I was walking home with my GC the other day and the little one had screamed and cried because the older one was running on ahead. It's a narrow pavement so we can't walk together. She wasn't listening as we got by roads and it was dangerous. On the corner of their road she stood in dog muck because again she wasn't listening. I was telling her off and a woman who hadn't heard or seen the first bit decided to intervene, thinking my telling her off had caused her distress.
I'd keep out of it.

Not your business

It makes me so so sad to see a small number of posters saying ‘stay out of it’ / ‘it’s not your business’ etc after the horrific details of poor Arthur have come about.

@ChangeChingyChange

Usually I would say stay out of it. But since reading about poor Arthur I now have to attitude of report/say everything. Never let a child go unnoticed. So I'd say something. I would tell the mum what she said, even if it backfires and she sides with her mum I'd still tell her.

This, exactly.

Could be nothing and if so, great.

But what if this is ongoing and the Nan is constantly abusive to this little girl? And how much worse is it behind closed doors?

Absolutely best to say something.

My grandmother was like this.

Constantly undermining my mother.

Was MASSIVELY damaging all round.

Yes, please tell her mother. I'd report word for word, having been that little girl.

Usually I would say stay out of it. But since reading about poor Arthur I now have to attitude of report/say everything. Never let a child go unnoticed.

I agree. I’m surprised some PPs are so relaxed about it.

It happened at school, I'd mention it to school, they will know what to do next.

Tell the teacher. I would. Then she can watch out...and choose if she thinks it's appropriate to speak up. I once "told on" a childminder at my local playgroup....I saw her being openly unkind to her charge.

I found out the name of the child's Mother and contacted her on Facebook. She sacked the CM and reported her. No idea what happened after if she was investigated or not.

But since reading about poor Arthur I now have to attitude of report/say everything. Never let a child go unnoticed

but reporting it didn't help Arthur, did it. Social services did nothing.

I have to say I can't really see the issue here. The little girl might be attention seeking and her mum might have been the same. Maybe she's been driving the grandmother mad all morning. I don't think saying "shut up" is very nice but not everyone uses nuanced speech when they are frustrated, just look at all the swearing on MN.

@WOTW

Stay out of it. You have no idea what kind of morning the Nan has had. She could've just vented in a way she usually wouldn't. We've all had those mornings. Leave it alone.

that's probably what people thought when they saw Emma Tustin talking to Arthur.

I would speak to the mum. I'm a Psychologist and you wouldn't believe (or perhaps you would) how many of my clients have come from backgrounds like this, where they were belittled or shouted at for having feelings, where they weren't safe to express themselves or make mistakes, where they had to tiptoe on eggshells
around the adults in their lives. If it is sustained behaviour it can have lifelong impacts on the child's confidence, sense of self, and intimate relationships.

I would speak to the mum. "shut up" is an awful thing to say to a child. And if the Nan tells a little child to shut up like that in public, what the hell is she doing behind closed doors?

And people wonder why horrendous cases of child abuse go unreported....

I'd say something to the mum.

That's a horrible thing to say to a child.

OP,

That is such a nasty thing to say to the child.

If it had been a teacher that heard she could well have brought it to the attention of the Principal who might indeed pull the mum aside and tell her what was heard.

I would frame it that you are giving her a heads up about awful it sounded and how it could be made into something, particularly as her daughter was very very upset.

You can frame it kindly, but telling her clearly how unkind her mother was.

No overt judgement, just a clear heads up that it really sounded awful.

I think she sounds awful and seriously how stressed can a Gran be if she doesn't live with the children. She clearly isn't cut out for the job of taking them to school. All of the grandparents just dote on my children, I thought that is what they are supposed to do!