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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should i stay out of it or mention to her mum?

165 replies

ImJustMum · 09/12/2021 10:56

Doing the school run this morning and a nan of a little boy in my sons class was taking him to school along with his younger sister who is in reception. Little girl was upset about something and crying whilst holding nans hand and walking along. Nan turned to her (not realising i was behind her) and said 'shut up X, youre always crying for attention, just like your mum'. Now there was no need for the last comment nore to speak to her like that and id be fuming if i found out my own mum had spoken to my child like that. Little girl was clearly very upset afterwards still and looked very down trodden. I wasnt sure wether to ping their mum a message asking if X was okay as nan seemed a bit frustrated with her this morning. I mentioned it to my friend who said nan favours the boy and isnt particularly nice to the little girl. I know id want to know but i dont want to be shit stirring either!

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 09/12/2021 11:44

If she talks to the child like this in public on the school run, where there are likely to be lots of people around who know her/the child, how does she talk to her in private?
Talk to the child’s mum op.

Ubiquery · 09/12/2021 11:47

I would mention it to the safeguarding officer at school. Let them decide what, if anything, should be done with the information. My view on this is due to years of safeguarding training in education; I’d feel a professional obligation to say something.

SlashBeef · 09/12/2021 11:47

And as expected we return to being told to mind our own business and ignore children after a few days of being "devastated" over Arthur.

Staryflight445 · 09/12/2021 11:50

The children who need the help aren’t getting it whilst people are sticking their oar in for literally everything.
It wasn’t a very nice comment no, but no one knows what’s going on in their lives.

Children that need the help will get it, if everyone stops poking their nose in on things like in the op. What’s so hard about that to understand? @SlashBeef

backtolifebacktoreality · 09/12/2021 11:50

I'd be tempted to tell the mum, particularly as Nan is saying disrespectful things about mum!

bowchickawowwoww · 09/12/2021 11:50

Absolutely tell the mother! She has a right to know her daughter is being spoken to like that. It's cruel

Quartz2208 · 09/12/2021 11:51

How close are you - and how close is the friend who has already mentioned the Nan (I assume it isnt the Mum)

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 09/12/2021 11:52

@Ubiquery

I would mention it to the safeguarding officer at school. Let them decide what, if anything, should be done with the information. My view on this is due to years of safeguarding training in education; I’d feel a professional obligation to say something.
The safeguarding officer at school? Ffs that's a huge overreaction.

Op I would mention something to the mum, don't go reporting an adult who doesn't have PR snapping at a child they don't live with to safeguarding or SS or anyone else.

Yummymummy2020 · 09/12/2021 11:54

I would want to know if it was my little girl. This sounds like it’s happening all the time rather than a one off if another person said she prefers the boy and isn’t nice to the girl.

Thesummeriwas16 · 09/12/2021 11:56

@Staryflight445

‘ ChangeChingyChange

Usually I would say stay out of it. But since reading about poor Arthur I now have to attitude of report/say everything. Never let a child go unnoticed. So I'd say something. I would tell the mum what she said, even if it backfires and she sides with her mum I'd still tell her.’

Surely the story of Arthur should remind others to not be reporting petty little incidents like in the OP, social services are overstretched and things would be taken more seriously if people stop doing this.

Goodness me.

How do you know this is just a petty little incident though and not the tip of the iceberg?

I cannot stop thinking of poor little Arthur and maybe if more people had spoken out he would be alive now.

Derbee · 09/12/2021 12:00

@Staryflight445

The children who need the help aren’t getting it whilst people are sticking their oar in for literally everything. It wasn’t a very nice comment no, but no one knows what’s going on in their lives.

Children that need the help will get it, if everyone stops poking their nose in on things like in the op. What’s so hard about that to understand? @SlashBeef

What’s so hard for YOU to understand @Staryflight445? Telling a mother that a you overheard a family member being nasty to a child is not remotely the same as reporting to social services, and making services “overstretched”.

Just because it doesn’t look like abuse on Arthur’s scale that needs to be reported to social services (although they were fucking useless in his case) doesn’t mean that parents don’t need to know that someone is emotionally and verbally abusing their child. FFS

SlashBeef · 09/12/2021 12:01

@Staryflight445

The children who need the help aren’t getting it whilst people are sticking their oar in for literally everything. It wasn’t a very nice comment no, but no one knows what’s going on in their lives.

Children that need the help will get it, if everyone stops poking their nose in on things like in the op. What’s so hard about that to understand? @SlashBeef

no one knows what's going on in their lives Precisely. And people turn a blind eye so things go unnoticed. If you'll say nasty shit to a little kid in public, what are you doing in private? Don't talk down to me.
Staryflight445 · 09/12/2021 12:02

She asked her to shut up, and made a comment about mum.
You really think she’s abusing the child because of this?

Staryflight445 · 09/12/2021 12:03

It’s not nice, but certainly doesn’t warrant getting involved IMO. Not unless something else is seen or noticed that’s for sure.

Thesummeriwas16 · 09/12/2021 12:04

I absolutely agree @Derbee.

I think we all have a duty to report anything that doesn't seem right.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 09/12/2021 12:04

I wouid also be so torn however, once you hand over the information you can let her decide what to do and also let's the nan know people can see and hear her. So yes.. I would say something and let her decide..

Derbee · 09/12/2021 12:05

@Staryflight445

She asked her to shut up, and made a comment about mum. You really think she’s abusing the child because of this?
That is abuse. Shouting at a child, telling her to shut up because she’s crying for attention, like her mum. It’s emotional abuse and it’s unnecessary. A parent who doesn’t emotionally abuse their child would probably want to know that someone is doing it.
shouldistop · 09/12/2021 12:06

@WOTW

Stay out of it. You have no idea what kind of morning the Nan has had. She could've just vented in a way she usually wouldn't. We've all had those mornings. Leave it alone.
I've got 2 small children and have never spoken to a child like that so we haven't all had those mornings.
Staryflight445 · 09/12/2021 12:06

🙄 I’m out…

You do you.

shouldistop · 09/12/2021 12:06

I'd say something

shouldistop · 09/12/2021 12:07

@Staryflight445

‘ ChangeChingyChange

Usually I would say stay out of it. But since reading about poor Arthur I now have to attitude of report/say everything. Never let a child go unnoticed. So I'd say something. I would tell the mum what she said, even if it backfires and she sides with her mum I'd still tell her.’

Surely the story of Arthur should remind others to not be reporting petty little incidents like in the OP, social services are overstretched and things would be taken more seriously if people stop doing this.

Goodness me.

Pp wasn't suggesting reporting it to social services though Hmm
SlashBeef · 09/12/2021 12:07

@Staryflight445

🙄 I’m out…

You do you.

OK boo 🙄
Thesummeriwas16 · 09/12/2021 12:08

I would definitely want to know if my child was being spoken to in this way and especially by my own mother who I should be able to trust implicitly.

Derbee · 09/12/2021 12:09

I’ve told a woman in a shopping centre that she shouldn’t be speaking to her child the way she was. He was about 6, and she was berating him for something. Really really nasty, and swearing. I told her that she should have some respect for her child, and her behaviour was unacceptable. She asked me who the fuck I thought I was etc etc but I will NEVER forget the way her little boy looked at me, when he saw someone standing up for him.

This has always cemented for me that even if you don’t say anything directly, it’s worth reporting to relevant parties if you have the opportunity

FreeBritnee · 09/12/2021 12:09

Gosh I don’t know what I’d do. That’s an awful thing to blurt out in public. Makes you wonder what she says in private.

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