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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should i stay out of it or mention to her mum?

165 replies

ImJustMum · 09/12/2021 10:56

Doing the school run this morning and a nan of a little boy in my sons class was taking him to school along with his younger sister who is in reception. Little girl was upset about something and crying whilst holding nans hand and walking along. Nan turned to her (not realising i was behind her) and said 'shut up X, youre always crying for attention, just like your mum'. Now there was no need for the last comment nore to speak to her like that and id be fuming if i found out my own mum had spoken to my child like that. Little girl was clearly very upset afterwards still and looked very down trodden. I wasnt sure wether to ping their mum a message asking if X was okay as nan seemed a bit frustrated with her this morning. I mentioned it to my friend who said nan favours the boy and isnt particularly nice to the little girl. I know id want to know but i dont want to be shit stirring either!

OP posts:
LetsHearIt · 09/12/2021 13:56

I would say something.
That's an awful thing to say to her. Who knows what else she comes out with.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 09/12/2021 13:57

I'd probably mention it to the Mum next time I see her.

NoNameHere12 · 09/12/2021 13:58

Well that’s the great question isn’t it. It’s a risk.

You could tell the mum, and it could be completely normal to her as she grew up with it, and doesn’t see the problem, making you the problem.

On the other hand….look at Arthur.

ancientgran · 09/12/2021 14:01

@Staryflight445

The children who need the help aren’t getting it whilst people are sticking their oar in for literally everything. It wasn’t a very nice comment no, but no one knows what’s going on in their lives.

Children that need the help will get it, if everyone stops poking their nose in on things like in the op. What’s so hard about that to understand? @SlashBeef

How is alerting the mother to how her child is being treated going to have any impact on other children getting help. If people were suggesting phoning social services you might, just might, have a point but telling the mother? Seriously.
SpiderinaWingMirror · 09/12/2021 14:03

I think tell the mum. I was thinking it was awkward cos it was family, but really why should that make a difference.

Newmumatlast · 09/12/2021 14:06

@ChangeChingyChange

Usually I would say stay out of it. But since reading about poor Arthur I now have to attitude of report/say everything. Never let a child go unnoticed. So I'd say something. I would tell the mum what she said, even if it backfires and she sides with her mum I'd still tell her.
I agree. Better to report it and it be dismissed or get a snap back from the mum than not to and something go unmissed. You say a friend said the Nan always treats the boy better. Maybe mum doesnt realise. Even if she does, she has the info to do whatever she wants with. I would want to know.
simpledeer · 09/12/2021 14:07

I would say something.

Original poster
ImJustMum · 09/12/2021 14:08

Thank you all for your responses, ive read them all. I obviously am not aware of the childs mum relationship with the grandmother. And you're right, mum should know. I wasnt suggesting i call SS but i didnt want the mum to think i was being a gossip or telling silly tales. i really struggle with 'making the right choice' and judging others reactions ( currently being looked at for ASD) so i feel like i have to check with others as my judgement can be a bit off.

Now, do i send a well placed message so mum doesnt feel awkward or put on the spot and nore do i? Or wait until i see her later on this week

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 09/12/2021 14:10

@BlondeDogLady

Are children not to be told off any more? Blimey. You have no idea of the circumstances. My niece for example, is always crying for attention and it's a nightmare because her parents pander to it, every single time.
Noone is saying that the child shouldn't be told off. But there is a much better less damaging way to do it than a. Telling her to shut up which is unnecessarily aggressive and b. Making an unnecessarily derogatory comment about her mum. Behaving in that way as an adult is not ok and not needed. If an adult cannot find a way to tell off a child without resorting to such behaviour they need to take a serious look at themselves.
QueeniesCroft · 09/12/2021 14:10

I would definitely tell her in person- tone can be badly misread in a message.

Newmumatlast · 09/12/2021 14:11

@ImJustMum

Thank you all for your responses, ive read them all. I obviously am not aware of the childs mum relationship with the grandmother. And you're right, mum should know. I wasnt suggesting i call SS but i didnt want the mum to think i was being a gossip or telling silly tales. i really struggle with 'making the right choice' and judging others reactions ( currently being looked at for ASD) so i feel like i have to check with others as my judgement can be a bit off.

Now, do i send a well placed message so mum doesnt feel awkward or put on the spot and nore do i? Or wait until i see her later on this week

Wait until you see her. The behaviour wasnt such that it suggested immediate action is required and these things are often better judged in person
Starcup · 09/12/2021 14:12

@Staryflight445

‘ ChangeChingyChange

Usually I would say stay out of it. But since reading about poor Arthur I now have to attitude of report/say everything. Never let a child go unnoticed. So I'd say something. I would tell the mum what she said, even if it backfires and she sides with her mum I'd still tell her.’

Surely the story of Arthur should remind others to not be reporting petty little incidents like in the OP, social services are overstretched and things would be taken more seriously if people stop doing this.

Goodness me.

This is what I was thinking.
Newmumatlast · 09/12/2021 14:16

@whereislittleroo

I would speak to the mum. I'm a Psychologist and you wouldn't believe (or perhaps you would) how many of my clients have come from backgrounds like this, where they were belittled or shouted at for having feelings, where they weren't safe to express themselves or make mistakes, where they had to tiptoe on eggshells around the adults in their lives. If it is sustained behaviour it can have lifelong impacts on the child's confidence, sense of self, and intimate relationships.
Absolutely. So many posters on her saying it isnt abusive or perhaps the child's mum did cry alot etc as if this is ok, only tells me there are a lot of people who don't recognise certain behaviour as damaging perhaps due to their own experiences or behaviour or socialisation rather than because it is ok
Newmumatlast · 09/12/2021 14:17

@starcup reporting to SS hasn't been suggested...

Notajogger · 09/12/2021 14:17

You absolutely have to tell the mother exactly what happened and what your other friend said. She needs all the information. I can't imagine someone hearing this said to/about my own child and not telling me, I'd be devastated.

diddl · 09/12/2021 14:19

@VainAbigail

I mentioned it to my friend who said nan favours the boy and isnt particularly nice to the little girl

Thing is, that’s just your friends opinion.

Well it seems to be backed up by what Op heard!
diddl · 09/12/2021 14:21

Sadly the mum might already know but is desperate for the help.

I'd want to know if my daughter was being treated like that by her GM.

It might not change anything though.

Scbchl · 09/12/2021 14:25

Id want to know.

MrsToothyBitch · 09/12/2021 14:27

I would say something- although I'd tie myself in knots trying to frame it & overthink. My logic is that I would want to know if it was my child!

My mum can be pretty vicious and I can 100% imagine her saying this, the exact dripping with hate tone of voice and everything. Obviously that wasn't her only mode of behaviour but it did cut deep and I
was late teens/adult before people outside the family started acknowledging that she could be extremely unkind and domineering and it wasn't ok. Damage was done by then. I love her but she hurt me. DPs mum has some caprices/playing favourites with her kids behaviour in her history too. Should we ever end up using them even as last resort childcare, even if it was only once, we would need to know about something like this.

Alltheblue · 09/12/2021 14:30

I would describe exactly what happened and leave it with her.

We need more people doing this. Have the 'start out of it' advisers learned nothing in recent weeks? We have no idea what picture this could be building - or not. Hence the need to collate information that's at all concerning, which this is.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 09/12/2021 14:30

Fuck me, I’m glad some of you aren’t my mother! Absolutely horrified by people who think this is acceptable.

Alltheblue · 09/12/2021 14:30

stay out of it

Alltheblue · 09/12/2021 14:32

Are children not to be told off any more

Not like that, no.

Alltheblue · 09/12/2021 14:33

I'd send a message because that way you can put the facts down (just state them clearly, don't diminish them or embellish of course) and she has time to reflect.

Lesina · 09/12/2021 14:34

Say something to the childs mother. It may be an isolated incident, it may be something that happens every day. Either way, say something. Children deserve as much respect as an adult and it is on all of society to make sure they get it. Quite disturbing that some people think other wise.

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