DH got drunk and smashed things

[VioletG]

DH went out for dinner and drinks with a friend last night. He ended up drinking too much and was pretty drunk when he came home.
This I didn't really mind because it's not a regular occurrence and I just helped him to bed/ got water etc. it wasn't too late.

However, about 10pm he woke up and started shouting, he was ranting drunkenly about something and trying to go outside. I had to lock the front door.
There was a glass in the sink which he tried to wash up - I told him to leave it and I'd do it, he should go back to bed. He launched the glass as hard as possible at the kitchen surface and it went everywhere. A piece narrowly missed my eye. He was so angry, seemingly for no reason.

He then pulled a picture off the wall in the spare bedroom and used it to smash up the TV. I was begging him to stop; there was glass everywhere again. The dog was so scared. So was I.

Eventually I managed to get him to go to bed. But what do I do now?
I'm in shock. This isn't like him at all, he's not a violent person.
Please help, I can't think straight.

It doesn't bode well that he hasn't tried to contact you

This doesn't bode well OP. You would expect someone who was horrified at their behaviour would be calling to apologise and put things right.

Please please tell your mum and tell your midwife.

It may be a one off, it hopefully is, but you need to keep you and baby safe.

OP this does not sound good and I am very sorry you are in this position. Please look after yourself. I think you should speak to your family or a friend too.

@Pinkdelight3

However, about 10pm he woke up and started shouting, he was ranting drunkenly about something and trying to go outside. I had to lock the front door.There was a glass in the sink which he tried to wash up - I told him to leave it and I'd do it, he should go back to bed. He launched the glass as hard as possible at the kitchen surface and it went everywhere. A piece narrowly missed my eye. He was so angry, seemingly for no reason.

I don't know... ordinarily I'd be saying run a mile, but in this situation it doesn't even sound like he was conscious. More like a mad drunken sleepwalking incident from the way he was behaving - and the way he's never behaved this way before. As long as he got help so he stopped drinking then I'd probably be inclined to assume it was a one-off from the combination of drink and sleep/dreaming and not ascribe it DV, abuse, the pregnancy etc. Many here will disagree I'm sure and as I say, in other cases of violence on here I'd be with them all the way. But given the specifics, I don't know... Certainly though OP should seek real life support and advice and do whatever she needs to in order to keep safe.

I agree. OP has said that his anger wasn't directed at her. This sounds very much like a drink spiking (or drug taking) event. The fact that he was trying to get out of the house sounds very much like a type of delirium.

If there was any history, or if he'd attempted to attack the OP rather than the glass and the TV, I'd possibly think differently. But this doesn't sound like standard abuse or drunken behaviour to me.

His reaction should determine your next steps. If he was begging for forgiveness and genuinely distraught then I'd try and work past it with very clear conditions on future drinking.
However, if he's blasé about it then I'd be leaving.

Has he ever smashed things before? This can't be the first occurance as it's quite an escalation from nothing to smashing the TV?

I don’t know about that. My husband, before he was my husband, together about 18 months, got really drunk on a night out. Paramedics were called but they brought him round and asked his friends to take him home. Got a call from his mate who asked me to meet them at his house so I could stay there with him overnight. I got there and he was going apeshit, kicking the plants in his garden, trying to kick his door in (he’d forgotten his keys), shouting and swearing. We eventually got him in and agreed that me staying was a bad idea so his mate stayed instead. Next day he had absolutely no memory of any of it and when he found out what had happened and that I’d been there, he was mortified and really apologetic. I made sure he knew that if I ever saw that again I’d be gone. We’ve been together 22 years, married for 16 of those and it has never happened again. He isn’t a violent person at all. I’ve never been scared of him. Whatever happened that night it was a one off.

That’s not to say OP shouldn’t be concerned, and be careful, but it isn’t necessarily an indicator of a deep seated problem.

I was going to offer a few experiences of people I know who have had reactions to alcohol that basically turned into violent sleepwalking - shouting, banging down doors etc with no idea what they're doing and no memory of it. Waking/half waking in the night after drinking can cause some very strange and disoriented behaviour and hallucinations.

This doesn't sound like that, those people were mortified to learn what happened, apologetic and genuinely distressed at what they've done.

It is odd that you haven't heard from him yet. What he says/does today will be very telling.
I'm sorry you are going through this and glad you have reached out on here. Please also reach out to someone you trust and know in person and tell them what has happened.

@Bollocknays

I really hope you’re safe, op.

If his drinks were spiked he would have woken up truly remorseful, confused, upset and embarrassed.

This sounds much darker, stranger and a little disturbing how he hasn’t reacted to the mess or bothered asking if you’re ok…

@Bollocknays

I am not an expert on this but if you have been spiked, I believe, you don't remember anything at all - complete memory loss

Does anyone think he took a drink or a drug that didn't agree with him? If here have never been signs like this before op needs to see his reaction today

I've drunk many different drinks and taken many different drugs. I've never, ever smashed things up.

Don't let excuses like this blind you to what's going on.

Many people use drink as an excuse to do what they really want to do abs it seems that what he really wants to do is smash things up and scare you.

Pack a bag, tell your friend, your MW and your DM.

You need to protect yourself and your baby

@Pipsquiggle agreed but he would see the TV was smashed and his wife/partner isn't home. So even if he doesn't remember what he did he would surely be reaching out.

I mean especially if you can't remember because then that is worrying too. If you can remember you'd want to make sure all is ok.

The fact he hasn't reached out suggests he does remember.

Even if he's super hungover, surely you check on where you pregnant wife is?

@jpbee

It is odd that you haven't heard from him yet. What he says/does today will be very telling. I'm sorry you are going through this and glad you have reached out on here. Please also reach out to someone you trust and know in person and tell them what has happened.

He might still be really shocked and trying to process it I suppose.

OP,

I would be seriously rethinking this pregnancy.

This is not normal but is the start of a miserable life for you with a violent man.

You have this child and stay with him, you better get used to walking on eggshells.

He's a thug.
He has shown his hand and shown you who he is.

The easy thing to do is just accept this was a once off aberration.

The hard thing to do is to ask yourself honestly if this is really the life you want for you and an innocent child.

Tell people what happened.

Take photographs of what he has done.

He has shown you who he is.

Don't be a silly woman and ignore this.

You will bitterly regret it, if you do.

@VioletG

He's not awake yet. We've been together for a very long time. He's never done this before.

I feel like I can't just leave over this. I'm newly pregnant too. I'm so confused and hurt. And angry.

Ah interesting

Newly pregnant

This is when my major abuse started

Sorry to say please leave

Awful man

How scary
And your poor dog too
He must go

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP. Please tell your mum and your MW.

@JuneOsborne

Ah, newly pregnant. Explains it. Violent men often get violent in pregnancy. I fear this won't end well.

Tell somebody. Make it real, do not let it be a secret that you keep

X a million

So true 😢😢

@Pipsquiggle I know, I shared my experience of having my own drink spiked (on page 4 of this thread), getting agitated & aggressive and memory loss.

But I was still mortified the next day when I realised what had happened.

The OP’s husband would definitely have seen clues as to something happening last night - e.g hole in the TV and yet he hasn’t even asked questions

just seems weird!

But none of us are experts and I just hope she’s safe!

"What is on a drunk man's lips is on a sober man's mind" Unless he was drugged I would be reassessing the relationship.

OP my abusive ex used to go to sleep drunk and then wake up and wreck the place. It started like that.

I agree with saying it out loud. The fact that he hasn't even contacted you is awful. He's not even sorry.

Not even a text to see that you weren't injured? Wow.

@toomuchlaundry

It doesn't bode well that he hasn't tried to contact you

Agree

I would def stay out of house and I really think you need to tell someone.

Perhaps your midwife at the appointment or perhaps your mum.

Please do not ignore this.

@CounsellorTroi I agree he might, but equally surely a caring and ashamed man would worry about his missing pregnant wife?

Perhaps we have different expectations. I think "being in shock" is a way of turning himself into a victim. I would expect him to be shocked but so shocked he can't apologise or check on his wife is diverting away from what he did. The OP, baby and dog are the victims, not him.

[quote newnamefor2021]@CounsellorTroi I agree he might, but equally surely a caring and ashamed man would worry about his missing pregnant wife?

Perhaps we have different expectations. I think "being in shock" is a way of turning himself into a victim. I would expect him to be shocked but so shocked he can't apologise or check on his wife is diverting away from what he did. The OP, baby and dog are the victims, not him. [/quote]
All fair points.

I really hope he has contacted you by now OP

Hope you can work it out - whether by him leaving or some other means.