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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH got drunk and smashed things

399 replies

VioletG · 09/12/2021 08:06

DH went out for dinner and drinks with a friend last night. He ended up drinking too much and was pretty drunk when he came home.
This I didn't really mind because it's not a regular occurrence and I just helped him to bed/ got water etc. it wasn't too late.

However, about 10pm he woke up and started shouting, he was ranting drunkenly about something and trying to go outside. I had to lock the front door.
There was a glass in the sink which he tried to wash up - I told him to leave it and I'd do it, he should go back to bed. He launched the glass as hard as possible at the kitchen surface and it went everywhere. A piece narrowly missed my eye. He was so angry, seemingly for no reason.

He then pulled a picture off the wall in the spare bedroom and used it to smash up the TV. I was begging him to stop; there was glass everywhere again. The dog was so scared. So was I.

Eventually I managed to get him to go to bed. But what do I do now?
I'm in shock. This isn't like him at all, he's not a violent person.
Please help, I can't think straight.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 09/12/2021 10:03

I hope you took photos of the destruction and please tell the midwife. It will help you get your head across that it happened as well as they know to ask about things. You’re very lucky to have two eyes still, you must leave at least for a while, to find your headspace. Drive to your mums after the appointment and think how much harder driving to see your mum would be with one eye (if you’re even allowed to drive? Depth perception must be poor).

foreverandalways · 09/12/2021 10:05

My husband was spiked once years ago and it completely changed his personality and he was extremely unwell for a week....

PrtScn · 09/12/2021 10:07

This happened to my sister. When she was holding the baby. My BiL had been out drinking with his mates, got extremely drunk and when he got home was violent smashing things and screamed in her face. He didn’t hit her but his body language was enough to scare her enough that she locked herself in the bathroom and phoned his mum. His mum told her to phone the police. She did and the police came and took him away. They split up for about a year after that but got back together.
He was truly repentant and doesn’t go out drinking anymore. He’s given no further indications of being abusive since and they now have 2 children.
It could be a one off, but you need to protect yourself and at the very least kick him out for a bit so he actually has some consequences for his behaviour. It will give you some space to decide if you want to give him a 2nd chance or not. He also owes you a new telly. If he shows even a hint of violence towards you again phone the police and don’t ever let him step foot in the house again.

prh47bridge · 09/12/2021 10:08

I'm with those who are wondering if his drink was spiked, or he took some drugs. Men can become aggressive after consuming a spiked drink. It may be this is the first sign of DV so I would certainly be careful, but the description of his behaviour (passing out/sleeping then waking up confused and aggressive) is consistent with his drink being spiked.

Whammyyammy · 09/12/2021 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Thatsplentyjack · 09/12/2021 10:10

If he hadn't been asleep first I would say run a mile, but do you think there's a chance he wasn't actually conscious? Maybe sleep walking , or spiked or even taking drugs knowingly? Also, it was only 10pm, why not just leave him to clean the glass 🤷‍♀️

TheVanguardSix · 09/12/2021 10:10

Yes. Do tell the midwife. It will be a pain in the arse and you'll have social services swooping in, but OP, down the road, you'll be glad you have a record of this behaviour. A) It may be his wake-up call and the hopefully, the one and only time his behaviour will be this bad or, B) your child will have a measure of protection in place if his violence escalates, you both split up, and he wants contact with your child.
You won't want him to have that contact if he is a dangerous man.
Unfortunately, you have to think of this possibility. And it's not fun at all thinking of that possibility.
Maybe his drink was spiked and he was a one-off asshole.
My money, however, is on this being a part of who he is, a part you can't afford to ignore.

Hlglu56 · 09/12/2021 10:10

I know how you feel. My husband, who I have been with for over 12 years, got really drunk a few weeks back and we got into a little argument. He turned nasty and started shoving me. I was really frightened and people actually ran out of their houses to help me. He’s never laid a finger on me before and I am in shock. I never thought he would ever do that and never has before but his father was/is violent so it has made me worry. My husband has a lot of stress at the minute, no excuse I know, but I’m hoping it may be down to this. If it ever happens again though, I’m gone. The problem is it has already changed things. We went out last weekend and I was bit wary of him once we’d had a few drinks, watching what I am saying and that’s not a good relationship.

ArabellaScott · 09/12/2021 10:10

his behaviour (passing out/sleeping then waking up confused and aggressive) is consistent with his drink being spiked

It's also consistent with someone being out-of-control drunk.

BaconMassive · 09/12/2021 10:11

I think there's a difference between rocking home drunk and smashing things up and rocking home drunk, going to sleep and then waking up and being aggressive. It's that alcohol plus sleep / being in a confused state, factor that can cause the problem

Suzanne999 · 09/12/2021 10:12

I hope you’ve left the mess he made —— photograph it. His reaction when he sees it will tell you a lot.
He will probably be regretful —- they usually are, especially the first time.
Other reactions could be: you made the mess to frame him. Someone else did it, nothing to do with him. He might even accuse you of being the drunk one. It does sound e treme for being drunk and I’d suspect t drugs involved ( you’ve no way of knowing and he’s hardly likely to admit it)
For your own safety make a pack of passport, other ID, financial stuff. Make sure you have your own bank account. And have a plan to get out, you and the dog.
I suspect you’ll forgive him the first time but you know the facts so be prepared. I believe midwives ask if you are in any danger/ coercive relationship etc… , please tell the truth.

HonoreDeBallsack · 09/12/2021 10:14

OP, I've read the full thread and re-read your first post.

It does sound as if there was more to this than drink - it's the waking up and suddenly acting like that. That's not the same as it would be if he had staggered home, very drunk, and started smashing things up. I would certainly not dismiss the idea of drugs/spiking. However, I would very much see what he has to say about it. Don't clear up, if you haven't. He does need to see what he did. Also agree with PP that you should tell someone in real life - mum, midwife, friend - just in case it is the start of domestic abuse.

Otherwise, I would say to others that telling the OP that her husband is definitely a domestic abuser and she needs to run for the hills, leave NOW, get out NOW, is in its own way haranguing her unreasonably. Her husband has never behaved like this before; she is going to be deeply shocked by that alone. To then hear a chorus of people telling her to leave him now, this minute, while she's also pregnant is too much.

It might be the right advice - but those of us who have been in abusive relationships (I have) shouldn't let that colour the advice we give to other people. It may have been the right advice for us, in our situations - but that doesn't mean it's necessarily the right advice here.

The better advice is to move this to Relationships, if the OP wants to continue to seek support from MN, and to get it out in the open in real life, with the people who know her best and can support to make the best decisions for her, not for us.

girlmom21 · 09/12/2021 10:14

OP the midwife will ask if you feel safe at home. Please answer her honestly. If you really believe this is a one off that's ok. But just be honest with her. She can help if you need it.

TheVanguardSix · 09/12/2021 10:16

Men do feel pressure too, albeit he didn't handle last night and drink at all, luckily you were not hit.

That reminds me of the refugee years ago who raped a ten-year-old boy in a Vienna public swimming pool bathroom and his excuse was this: As a refugee, fleeing a wartorn country and all that comes with that flaming bag o' turd, he was under extreme pressure (I don't doubt this in the least!) and so, he violently lashed out and raped a boy.

My dad was a refugee who fled a wartorn country. He'd spent his teens in a concentration camp, digging up unexploded landmines. He watched other boys in front of him explode.
My dad was a refugee under extreme pressure. He did not use this as an excuse to subject other people to violence.

I'm digging a bit deep here, but my main point is, there's no fucking excuse here for this dangerous, violent behaviour, OP. And you need to really, really know this. I'm not telling you to leave. But you need to know that this is worse than you want to believe.

You're lucky you weren't hit, is NOT the takeaway lesson here. Although yes, you were lucky you weren't hit. That's not quite the point. Don't miss the point.

ShirleyPhallus · 09/12/2021 10:21

How are you doing OP?

Joystir59 · 09/12/2021 10:22

It's because you are pregnant I reckon- he can't handle it.

ImJustMum · 09/12/2021 10:24

And when he wakes up its either going to be-

Im sorry, ill never do it again and promise you the world and feed you a load of BS

Try to convince you it was your fault or your crazy and over reacting

Original poster

VioletG · 09/12/2021 10:25

Thanks for all the replies.
Yes, it is strange that he went to sleep and then woke up again. This adds to my confusion.

I have spoken to his friend. He was drinking shots/ whiskey/ all sorts. I don't know why he would go out and deliberately get so drunk. I haven't had a shot for years! Neither has he!

I think the likelihood of being spiked is low - they were out for dinner in a small local restaurant and then went to the bar next door which was quiet. I guess it's not impossible though?

To answer pp I tried to stop him cleaning the glass because he was drunk/ not being careful and would have broken it by accident if he hadn't thrown it.

I'm in a cafe now. I heard him getting up when I left. He hasn't bothered to contact me.

OP posts:

JuneOsborne · 09/12/2021 10:27

Op, please, please tell somebody say it out loud, make it real.

oldstudentmum · 09/12/2021 10:27

I had a similar experience (my father) one Xmas when I was a teen. He was a drinker however someone thought it would be funny to spike his drink. He was awake then asleep punching walls etc. Someone told him the next time he was in the pub.
There are some absolute idiots out there who think doing this is funny to people. Even to strangers !!!

NewlyGranny · 09/12/2021 10:27

Did you leave the mess for him or clean it up after him? What will he see?

ScatteredMama82 · 09/12/2021 10:28

Definitely tell someone about this, get the words out of your mouth and make it real.

If this is totally out of the blue, could there be a medical issue here? Regardless of the reason, you need to take care of yourself and the baby you are carrying. Ask him to leave. I can't believe he hasn't contacted you!

Original poster

VioletG · 09/12/2021 10:31

I cleaned up the mess last night because he started trying to do it and was making it worse. Also I didn't want the dog to stand on the glass.

He didn't say anything about it last night, just started trying to clean it like it was normal. It was surreal.

There's a huge hole in the TV though. So he must have noticed that.

OP posts:

Xiaoxiong · 09/12/2021 10:35

This is outrageous. If it was a spiked drink, medical issue, whatever - imagine him waking up, having no idea what happened, finding this huge mess and shattered glass and his pregnant wife gone. Wouldn't he be frantically trying to contact her?

OP please tell someone about this, or you will start doubting yourself as soon as he starts trying to downplay this and tell you that you're overreacting.

I also suspect that it's because you're pregnant. For a third of women who are abused by their partner or whose partners become violent, it starts for the first time in pregnancy.

Bollocknays · 09/12/2021 10:38

I really hope you’re safe, op.

If his drinks were spiked he would have woken up truly remorseful, confused, upset and embarrassed.

This sounds much darker, stranger and a little disturbing how he hasn’t reacted to the mess or bothered asking if you’re ok…

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