Page 10 | DH got drunk and smashed things

VioletG · 2021-12-09T08:06:16+00:00

DH went out for dinner and drinks with a friend last night. He ended up drinking too much and was pretty drunk when he came home. This I didn't really mind because it's not a regular occurrence and I just helped him to bed/ got water etc. it wasn't too late. However, about 10pm he woke up and started shouting, he was ranting drunkenly about something and trying to go outside. I had to lock the front door. There was a glass in the sink which he tried to wash up - I told him to leave it and I'd do it, he should go back to bed. He launched the glass as hard as possible at the kitchen surface and it went everywhere. A piece narrowly missed my eye. He was so angry, seemingly for no reason. He then pulled a picture off the wall in the spare bedroom and used it to smash up the TV. I was begging him to stop; there was glass everywhere again. The dog was so scared. So was I. Eventually I managed to get him to go to bed. But what do I do now? I'm in shock. This isn't like him at all, he's not a violent person. Please help, I can't think straight.

PlanktonsComputerWife · 09/12/2021 11:37

Don't believe it.

WineAway · 09/12/2021 11:37

Could you even stay away for a couple of days?

GatoradeMeBitch · 09/12/2021 11:37

If he can't remember a thing how does he know he did it? How does he
know it wasn't his friend, or someone he invited back, or even you angry at him being drunk?

He knows. He just doesn't want to be held accountable, so he's detaching himself from it.

LaBellaTrix · 09/12/2021 11:38

It's a pathetic excuse to claim complete memory loss after drinking too much and behaving extremely badly. I would be very concerned about this incident and would definitely tell my mum what happened.

Unless he goes completely teetotal, forever, you will never know when the next drunken rampage will happen and you could be in the way. Look after yourself and think very carefully about staying with this abusive violent man.

billy1966 · 09/12/2021 11:40

Nope don't believe a bit of it.

What a thug.

There is a reason mid wives ask about abuse of pregnant women.

This is the beginning of your life of domestic violence.

You will remember this day and your decision to ignore this.

God help that baby and the life it will be born into if you stay with him.

Original poster

VioletG · 09/12/2021 11:41

He says he had no idea why the TV was broken until I told him what happened. He did seem genuinely shocked and remorseful.
But still, I think need some time to myself, so I have asked him to leave for a few days and he's agreed.
He's also said he'll never drink again.

OP posts:

user1471543094 · 09/12/2021 11:41

He remembers

Twins3007 · 09/12/2021 11:43

My husband done this once , came home and smashed the house up , it was so strange it was like I wasn't in the house wasn't directed at me at all , i found out after he had been doing shots of whisky. I have heard since lots of people cant drink whisky as it makes them violent.
My husband could not remember a thing I called his brother to come and calm him down and take him back to his house .
It has never happened again and that was 20 years ago but he has also never drank whisky again

user1471543094 · 09/12/2021 11:45

I am glad that he has left.
I've a feeling you'll let him back soon enough - which is fine. Nobody doubts that it is very difficult to end a relationship on one action like this.
But please tell someone. Let him know you won't keep it secret.

3scape · 09/12/2021 11:52

Remorse is good, but hard to trust after something that shocking. Actions are really key. Give it time. You've got time. Noone has to decide in a second how to handle their relationship when something drastic has happened

Whammyyammy · 09/12/2021 11:53

My husband has never done it,but some of the people that work underneath him have done similar and worst in the past.

I'm not going to go into detail, but it was a common thing, albeit not on a huge scale for people returning from Iraq, Afghanistan etc. Put down to PTSD. Not always directly after returning, sometimes years after.
Measures wete brought into help, not letting guys go straight from ops to home, stopping off on way, course etc. But with help, people got through it.
I'm.not excusing this behaviour, but we don't know the full extent of this man's life.

He may need help, and not throwing to the kerb. I hope it gets sorted op, but he needs to accept help and acknowledge last night.

Ptsd is not just something that happens to military pers either and there's plenty of people that are sleeping on the street as a result of ptsd too, through not being diagnostics or helped....

swgeek · 09/12/2021 11:54

imagine this happening with a baby or toddler (or even worse an older child) in the house. You are very accommodating offering him to wash up the glass etc trying to calm him down. You have received great advice here. It won't be the last time and the best time to separate is now and before the child is born. Please listen to all the wise mums on here. Don't believe the excuses. This is not normal.

Whammyyammy · 09/12/2021 11:54

Counselling, not course

BoredZelda · 09/12/2021 11:54

I've drunk many different drinks and taken many different drugs. I've never, ever smashed things up.

I’ve driven my car pretty much every day for 30 years and never had an accident. Doesn’t mean they don’t happen.

Livebythecoast · 09/12/2021 12:00

@Twins3007

My husband done this once , came home and smashed the house up , it was so strange it was like I wasn't in the house wasn't directed at me at all , i found out after he had been doing shots of whisky. I have heard since lots of people cant drink whisky as it makes them violent. My husband could not remember a thing I called his brother to come and calm him down and take him back to his house . It has never happened again and that was 20 years ago but he has also never drank whisky again

Many many years ago my boss gave me a bottle of whiskey for Christmas (no idea why as I'd never drunk it or hinted I liked it) Anyway, I drank it (I was only 21) and got ridiculously drunk as in I don't remember a thing but my parents came home to me blaring out 'boom boom shake the room'. Luckily I wasn't violent as such but apparently very belligerent and I have no recollection of that evening at all. Needless to say I've never drunk it again. OP, I'm glad he's leaving for a few days. Even if he doesn't remember, it shows him it's not acceptable and it must have been so frightening for you and I'm sorry this happened

HailAdrian · 09/12/2021 12:03

@billy1966

Nope don't believe a bit of it.

What a thug.

There is a reason mid wives ask about abuse of pregnant women.

This is the beginning of your life of domestic violence.

You will remember this day and your decision to ignore this.

God help that baby and the life it will be born into if you stay with him.

This is one of the things that is wrong with mumsnet. As pp have said, it's easy to say 'LEAVE IMMEDIATELY' from behind a screen but when the OP doesn't follow that advice because life is more confusing than that, she starts getting a load of shit for it and ends up (understandably) leaving the thread because it starts to make her feel worse. Despicable that people think they can pressure a stranger into making such a monumental decision so quickly.

HailAdrian · 09/12/2021 12:04

Complicated, not confusing.

Skeumorph · 09/12/2021 12:04

What's changed is that you are pregnant.

Read your thread again and the several posts which describe exactly your situation. All absolutely fine for a few years until pregnant/married/tied into house. Then abuse. Starting with the drunken stuff, so excusable. Ending with domestic violence.

I am sorry but it is classic.

I suppose there must be a huge mental shift in these men once something is in place to 'tie' you to them - especially pregnancy. I'm sure it's almost entirely subconscious, that shift in the naturally misogynist brain from 'She is independent - I must treat her as an equal' to 'She is tied/dependant/can't really go anywhere/I now have rights - I can treat her and my home as I like'.

:(

FreeBritnee · 09/12/2021 12:08

I would leave everything as it is and leave. Let him cleaning the place up.

JuneOsborne · 09/12/2021 12:09

Have you told anyone else?

StrangerThanSpring · 09/12/2021 12:10

Never drinking again? I find it hard to believe that he will stick to that.

Be careful. If you stay, make sure you have a back-up plan to leave if he ever does anything like this again.

ArabellaScott · 09/12/2021 12:11

This is one of the things that is wrong with mumsnet. As pp have said, it's easy to say 'LEAVE IMMEDIATELY' from behind a screen but when the OP doesn't follow that advice because life is more confusing than that, she starts getting a load of shit for it and ends up (understandably) leaving the thread because it starts to make her feel worse. Despicable that people think they can pressure a stranger into making such a monumental decision so quickly.

It's meant well, usually. People are scared and worried for the OP. But one of the things I've learned (from people more knowledgeable than me) on Mumsnet is that it's easy to direct a woman to do something according to what you or someone else thinks is correct. If someone is in an abusive relationship this risks replicating the pattern of coercion and control.

Women need support, compassion and a listening ear, advice and sometimes good reliable information like legal situation etc.

They don't need told what to do.

GingerScallop · 09/12/2021 12:15

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

Ah, pregnant.

That’s when they start. I’ve been there and several people I know.

MN will be here to support you. Do you have anyone else? You need to get out.

I left a relationship like this. I know how hard it is.

Sorry, OP.

Very disturbing. If he didnt do drugs actively, I wonder if he was spiked. There was an article the other day on BBC about a spiked man.

CityCommuter · 09/12/2021 12:15

@VioletG this frightening behaviour is definitely not due to alcohol only... he's either taken some sort of drugs knowingly or his drink was spiked with something...

VirusgonnaVirus · 09/12/2021 12:16

@ArabellaScott

This is one of the things that is wrong with mumsnet. As pp have said, it's easy to say 'LEAVE IMMEDIATELY' from behind a screen but when the OP doesn't follow that advice because life is more confusing than that, she starts getting a load of shit for it and ends up (understandably) leaving the thread because it starts to make her feel worse. Despicable that people think they can pressure a stranger into making such a monumental decision so quickly.

It's meant well, usually. People are scared and worried for the OP. But one of the things I've learned (from people more knowledgeable than me) on Mumsnet is that it's easy to direct a woman to do something according to what you or someone else thinks is correct. If someone is in an abusive relationship this risks replicating the pattern of coercion and control.

Women need support, compassion and a listening ear, advice and sometimes good reliable information like legal situation etc.

They don't need told what to do.

Agree, sometimes the person replying is really aggressive themselves. People on this thread saying she should reconsider the pregnancy, this isn't support.