DH finds my family hard work

[BorisCrimboParty]

Or more so my mum, sister and stepfather.

They ARE hard work but DH and I have been together for 10 years and he’s never mentioned it before. We met up with the 3 of them at weekend to go to a Christmas market.
It was a 10 minute walk from my mums house and my mum and sister walk dead slow. So slow that pensioners with sticks etc get irritated trying to get past them. My sister is only 30. I’ve honestly never known anyone walk so slow but nobody mentioned it yet they constantly called us back to apologise for how slow they are. DH and I were trying to chat but were constantly being shouted of to apologise for slow walking. Anyway we eventually got to the market and my step dad suddenly disappeared into the crowd and we lost him, he just walked off!! My mum and sister then continuously mentioned that he was was lost and that we needed to find him. There was no way we would find him in those crowds and he knew his way home so DH and I just carried on trying to enjoy the market only to keep getting shouted back to be told that step father was missing. At every corner my mum and sister just stopped dead asking which way we were going. I had mentioned that DH and I were planning on visiting my cousin after the market and my mum continuously asked questions about it
“What time are you going to Laura’s?”
“Are you staying at Laura’s all afternoon?”
“Does Laura know you’re going?”
“Are you walking to Laura’s or driving?”
“What time does Laura think you’re going?”

In the end I snapped and said “I don’t know!! It’s not a big event! We’re just popping in!” My mum and sister started whispering to each other about how I struggle in crowds etc - DH was getting irritable at this point. We carried on walking.
“Are you getting lunch here?”
“Was you getting fish and chips?”
“Was your going to get something when you get home?”
“Are you eating at Laura’s?”
“Don’t you like the market?”
“What time are you leaving the market?”
“Are you walking around the market again?”
“What way are we going now?”

Argh!!!!

Anyway we’re due to go to a Christmas festival with them next weekend and DH started ranting last night that he can’t face another day out with them. He also thinks I should see less of them as I always come home snappy when I’ve been with them.

Now I’m going to feel awkward next time we’re with them as I now know how he really feels!

@billy1966

I actually would be wondering do you know your husband at all, that you honestly thought he would find people that are so annoying anything other than a complete PITA to be around.

When most people are together for some years you get to know their tolerance level.

Your family are rude (the lateness) and deeply annoying (general demeanour/slow walking).

How you would have been so obtuse as to think anyone normal would find them anything other than deeply annoying is beyond me.

As for scheduling numerous days out with them?

Really OP, you need to be a lot nore considerate of your husband because having to spend so much time with such annoying people could be considered a deal breaker in a marriage.

I think the issue is that people's individual families have their own styles of irritatingness, to which the member of that family is somewhat habituated in an eye-rolling 'That's what they're like' way, but the person who's married in has less patience (and less practice) with, understandably.

Like I'm driven mad by DH's parents' cast-iron routines which involve things like their evening meal happening at 4.30 pm precisely, and an insistence that, when out, they don't want a meal, 'just a bun', but what they want isn't a bun, it's some specific breadroll and soup combination available only in a long-closed-down department store cafe and his mother's insistence in particular that these routines are natural and widely shared, so it's weird not to grasp that 4.30 is dinner time. And that all food, before tasting, whether it's served by your son or a Michelin-starred restaurant, must be liberally covered in salt and pepper, even if it then makes it virtually inedible and you complain about it being over-seasoned.

DH is driven mad by my mother's indecisiveness, and the fact that she thinks it's rude just to say what you would like when asked (which leads to mad situations where a waiter in a busy restaurant asks for her order and she thinks saying 'The soup, and the salmon to follow, please' is 'too abrupt', and says 'Ooh, I don't know -- it all looks so nice!' and sort of narrates her way through the menu while the unfortunate waiter prays for death. Similarly, a cup of tea can't be accepted until the third time of asking, and has to involve a pantomime of refusal and getting up to leave the tea-offering friend's house etc etc. And don't start me on my father's parking obsession, where he wants to leave an hour early for a ten-minute drive, and then park in his latest pet spot, usually a mile or more from wherever he and my mother are actually going.

There is a big difference between people being irritating because that is just the way they are, and people engaging in weird power-play to get attention or provoke a reaction, which is what this sounds like, especially relating to your sister. Fuck that.

Honestly I'd be applauding your DH for managing to stay quiet for 10 years. I'd have snapped long before then.

Send your poor DH off with your step dad the next time, if you can't save both of you. Step dad was probably loving a bit of peace and quiet over a pint in a pub off a side street.

I've an aunt who controls the pace - but the opposite. You could spend all day waiting for her to choose between two cheap scarves and dare not even attempt to suggest to move on. But if you are remotely interested in buying anything from a market stall she fucks off sharpish.

She does it with restaurants too. None you suggest will suit her palate. What she hates one day, she loves the next. You could view 20 restaurants and none of the menus would suit her. Then she'll bitch and moan about the selection, then her meal and she's literally gotten up while everyone is still eating to leave just because she has a poor appetite and is always finished long before anyone else.

Same with where we go or what entertainment we do. And if you try to peel off the group to say, do an activity she's got no interest in, she gets offended.

It's why I will literally never go anywhere with her ever again. Not if it was a free 5* all expenses paid trip. No fucking way.

@Plopcorn

*It must be the grammar: “Was you getting fish and chips?” WTF Who speaks like that?*

This. Annoyed me just reading it.

Me too....awful way to speak.

OMG this reminds me pre Covid my family was back in my hometown visiting my parents and siblings and we wanted to go to the historic district for a stroll, window shop and enjoy lunch and my parents (especially my father) moaned about how his "legs hurt" "how far are we going I hope there's a bench I can rest on" after less than five minutes of walking. My mother would walk so slow it was like they morphed into turtles. We had bluntly discussed our plans that day with them that we would be using a parking garage and would be doing a decent amount of walking and I had said "Are you sure you want to come? I know how you and Dad don't like walking much and we'll be on cobblestone streets and I can't guarantee there will be available places to sit and rest" They reassured us they'd be fine-we weren't even out of the parking garage and my Dad had started his kvetching. We had parked in a disabled bay so not like we were on top level of the structure! My husband,sister and I were all cheesed off over it.

It must be the grammar:
“Was you getting fish and chips?”
WTF Who speaks like that?
Plenty of people speak like that and it’s possible to find the OP’s family’s behaviour wildly irritating without the additional layer of grammar snobbery.

My SIL is infuriating in restaurants insofar as being completely incapable of ordering something from the menu without trying to make adjustments to the dish.

SIL "Can I have the lasagne please....but without the béchamel sauce"

Me "You do realise that the béchamel sauce is actually between the layers of pasta?"

SIL "Well cant they just scrape it out?"

Me "Why don't you just order another pasta dish that does not have béchamel sauce...bolognaise or something?

SIL "But I like the layers of pasta....and instead of the mozzarella in the tricolour salad can I have feta and have French dressing instead of balsamic"

Me "Nnnnnnnngggggggggggghaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh"

He managed to stay quiet for 10 years?! I don't want to stay quiet after reading this thread! They sound infuriating and I couldn't do it often at all. Especially not out and about.

Negligee “narrates her way through the menu while the unfortunate waiter prays for death”

This is like my MIL. I have known her for over 25 years and everything takes forever. Many years ago when telephone answering machines still had tape she rang my sister to leave a message. The message about a left behind baby item used up the entire tape of the answering tape.

Like I'm driven mad by DH's parents' cast-iron routines which involve things like their evening meal happening at 4.30 pm precisely, and an insistence that, when out, they don't want a meal, 'just a bun', but what they want isn't a bun, it's some specific breadroll and soup combination available only in a long-closed-down department store cafe and his mother's insistence in particular that these routines are natural and widely shared, so it's weird not to grasp that 4.30 is dinner time.
Haha! “Just a bun” makes me think of PILs who have been known to sit miserably in a pub at lunchtime, ordering only a side dish of chips between them, faces like a wet weekend because “it’s too large a portion”. They later complained in a cafe that the muffin they chose to share was “too large”.

@Negligee
Great post.

It has me tearing at my skin.

It doesn't sound like your DH is being unreasonable, and you might be happier if you take a step back, but that's up to you.
My Dad is similar and clear boundaries really help me (and my annoyance levels). He is always late when meeting me, but complains when I am a minute or 2 late.
Keep meetings up short and sweet and don't expect your DH to come.

They sound like the type of people who you know deep down aren't bad people but, my god, they make you feel murderous.

They sound like complete pains in the backside but must admit I want to hear loads more about them and their eccentricities…

[quote billy1966]@Negligee
Great post.

It has me tearing at my skin.[/quote]
I'm tearing right along with you.

The saving grace is that DH and I are entirely upfront about wanting to throttle one another's parents, and frequently leave family gatherings saying 'You can say it now! Let it out!'

(We are actually very fond of our parents, but God, they can be annoying.)

Your sister walks slow because she is keeping pace with her mum. Which is the polite thing to do when walking.

Your mum asks questions to engage you in conversation which she has to do if you are obviously steaming on ahead without them.

If any of that bothers you, avoid them. Or find way to manage your annoyance. Your husband might choose to avoid them if he wishes, but if he is telling you to stop seeing your family because of your mood when you return, that’s way out of line.

I got annoyed with them just reading that post.

@BoredZelda “ Your sister walks slow because she is keeping pace with her mum”
No, she doesn’t. OP has explained that her sister has done this slow walking thing since she was young, and that it seems to be attention seeking behaviour.

No, she doesn’t. OP has explained that her sister has done this slow walking thing since she was young, and that it seems to be attention seeking behaviour.

Yeah, I saw that little drip. But, if you prefer, mum is walking slow to keep pace with sister. It's all the same thing.

Or, maybe they don't understand why people are in so much of a damned hurry.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Does your sister work? Just wondering if she walks that slowly in work. Or in the supermarket.

Or if the house is on fire.

@hotmeatymilk

It must be the grammar: “Was you getting fish and chips?” WTF Who speaks like that? Plenty of people speak like that and it’s possible to find the OP’s family’s behaviour wildly irritating without the additional layer of grammar snobbery.

'Plenty' of people speak like that? I would hope not! It sounds terrible and doesn't even sound or look right. It's sheer ignorance and lack of education, and there is nothing to be proud about that.

Wow how snobby criticising the way people speak!!

@SexyBoris

Wow how snobby criticising the way people speak!!

It is really annoying though.

Claudia "'Plenty' of people speak like that? I would hope not! It sounds terrible and doesn't even sound or look right. It's sheer ignorance and lack of education, and there is nothing to be proud about that."

I can't believe I just read that. 🤦🏽‍♀️