DH finds my family hard work

[BorisCrimboParty]

Or more so my mum, sister and stepfather.

They ARE hard work but DH and I have been together for 10 years and he’s never mentioned it before. We met up with the 3 of them at weekend to go to a Christmas market.
It was a 10 minute walk from my mums house and my mum and sister walk dead slow. So slow that pensioners with sticks etc get irritated trying to get past them. My sister is only 30. I’ve honestly never known anyone walk so slow but nobody mentioned it yet they constantly called us back to apologise for how slow they are. DH and I were trying to chat but were constantly being shouted of to apologise for slow walking. Anyway we eventually got to the market and my step dad suddenly disappeared into the crowd and we lost him, he just walked off!! My mum and sister then continuously mentioned that he was was lost and that we needed to find him. There was no way we would find him in those crowds and he knew his way home so DH and I just carried on trying to enjoy the market only to keep getting shouted back to be told that step father was missing. At every corner my mum and sister just stopped dead asking which way we were going. I had mentioned that DH and I were planning on visiting my cousin after the market and my mum continuously asked questions about it
“What time are you going to Laura’s?”
“Are you staying at Laura’s all afternoon?”
“Does Laura know you’re going?”
“Are you walking to Laura’s or driving?”
“What time does Laura think you’re going?”

In the end I snapped and said “I don’t know!! It’s not a big event! We’re just popping in!” My mum and sister started whispering to each other about how I struggle in crowds etc - DH was getting irritable at this point. We carried on walking.
“Are you getting lunch here?”
“Was you getting fish and chips?”
“Was your going to get something when you get home?”
“Are you eating at Laura’s?”
“Don’t you like the market?”
“What time are you leaving the market?”
“Are you walking around the market again?”
“What way are we going now?”

Argh!!!!

Anyway we’re due to go to a Christmas festival with them next weekend and DH started ranting last night that he can’t face another day out with them. He also thinks I should see less of them as I always come home snappy when I’ve been with them.

Now I’m going to feel awkward next time we’re with them as I now know how he really feels!

I can understand you feeling hurt. It's hard when others criticize our family even if we feel the same way about them! I wouldn't blame your DH though, it sounds like he has been quite patient and has finally snapped. Can you just go and see them at theirs rather than doing days out? All the walking/organising/calling back etc etc just sounds too much when they are how they are!

I would go to the festival 5 minutes late, if they're not there text them and say 'sorry we were running a bit late so you've probably gone on without us, hopefully we'll bump into you on our way round.' Then go have a good time.
In future don't mention to your mum anything that she might remotely want to join in with that involves any kind of walking.

They sound absolutely horrendous and your husband sounds like a saint.

There is NO way mine would tolerate that for a minute.

I would be told to head off on my own.

Considering how annoying they are I think it is really unreasonable of you to include them again so soon.

YABU and very selfish foisting such an annoying family on your husband for day trips.

How your husband has kept quiet for 10 years is a mystery.

Oh my inlaws fuss constantly, unbearable. I don't like the line about your husband saying you should see them less though - that's really nothing to do with him surely? He doesn't have to see them each time.

@BorisCrimboParty

There is no medical reason. Neither are disabled. I’m sure my sister does it for attention. When she was younger she seemed to take pleasure in everyone having to stop to wait for her to catch up. I remember once a day trip with my grandmother, we were walking somewhere and my grandmother had to keep stopping to let my sister catch up and my sister would laugh and say “sorry! I can’t go any faster!”

This is just ridiculous.

When they call you back to attention seek 'apologise' , just ignore them. Walk on until you're ready to stop and wait for them to catch up. If they make fuss later, tell them you didn't hear.

There's no way I could put up with this sort of behaviour from grown adults.

My family are irritating and DH is allowed to interact as little or as much as he wishes as I get it. I love them even though they drive me batshit crazy.
His family are a bunch of dicks and since they tried stealing the best part of a years wages from me, we are NC with them so it cuts both ways.
Let him have no contact at all with them if that is what he wants. Respect his wishes.

I would say,that sometimes when a group of family members go out together, that some members will have little annoying quirks, that get on your nerves, and so put a bit of a downer on what should be a pleasant outing together. Just limit these outings, if it causes upsets.

Be honest with yourself - from what you’ve described, could you possibly have expected your husband to find spending time with them anything other than annoying and shit?

Well they know in a hundred years time they'll still be alive maybe you'll want to follow suit you tortoises

They sound quirky. But they don't sound mean-spirited. In this day and age, don't people have cellphones if they wander off? And if people walk too slowly, can't you leave them to it and say you'll meet up with them later? Plainly, walking things are not a good fit for you and your family, and you can say so. But you can go to restaurants, where you are all sitting, or visit at home. I understand they did not shine in this situation, but are they better in other situations where they are more comfortable?

No more outings with them. Just see them at yours or theirs. In small doses.

@smoko

Plot twist - Step dad got himself lost on purpose to escape DM & SIL

You know he did!

I have the patience of a gnat and I cannot do with slow walkers, procrastinators, or ditherers.

I would "manage" them as in, arrange to do things where you meet there and you are not hamstrung by their dithering. e.g. cinema, theatre, meet at a restaurant to see them, pop in for a cup of tea for a few hours. All things that do not mean walking around and if they are not there on time, you just crack on without them.

What age is your mum? Was she always like this?

It does sound as if she has lost confidence in herself and is very dependent on you.

@TatianaBis

No more outings with them. Just see them at yours or theirs. In small doses.

Agree

I notice OP hasn't answered any questions, so I imagine the shattering of the illusion has affected her. I think it's up to you how often you see them, but your DH should be able to opt out unless and it's an essential.

It's probably a good thing this has happened.

I’m so confused what they have actually done wrong ? They walk a bit slow and show an interest in your lives? Would find it weirder if they were running away from you and never asked anything 🤣

@Pippapet

My mum does the slow walking thing too. I get the impression she subconsciously thinks everyone is somehow admiring her and also she likes that people are having to move around her, that she is setting the pace.

She also likes to always go outside of the norm, so if for example we're at a kiosk that sells tea, coffee and sandwiches she'll ask what herbal teas they offer. Then when they say it's tea or coffee and that's it for hot drinks, she'll ask if they have a slice of lemon and could she have a teapot with some just-boiled water in. They don't have lemon slices or teapots so she'll stand there looking confuddled and pondering over what to do next. Should she just have a cup of hot water? Or do they have bottled water? Yes. Great. There you go, Mum. But no - do they do sparkling bottled water? She doesn't like still water. They ran out of sparkling. When are you getting some more in, she'll ask. As if they'll just run down to the cash and carry whilst she waits. Meanwhile queue is building up. Then there's all "If I have a £10 note can you give me some 50ps in the change". They don't have any 50ps. Could they think they could go and get some from somewhere? And so on and on. She likes creating attention and servitude.

@Pippapet This is my Mum but at restaurants. If she orders something from a menu and they don’t have it, instead of doing the normal thing of quickly choosing something else or asking for a few minutes to decide, she will tut loudly, look personally aggrieved and then pull a face at my Dad, then she will just stare at the menu going ‘ooh, ohh I dunno…’ and give a running commentary of everything else and why she doesn’t like it and making noises and faces of displeasure! Once I got so annoyed at the awkwardness and the poor waitress just stood there waiting I said to her ‘ don’t worry come back in 2 mins’ to which my Mum then woke up and was quickly all, ‘ooh no no I’ll have the fish’ so obviously just putting on a performance.

@Hoppinggreen

They do sound like hard work and I think your Sdad had the right idea But it sounds like Anxiety to me on their part and your Mum and Sis are feeding off eachother

Why is irritating behaviour always labelled as 'anxiety', is that supposed to make it less irritating? Sounds more like childish attention seeking and we all know that the cure for that is ignoring it.

@Branleuse

id think it was a good idea to make sure your arrangements with them dont involve walking much. Meeting somewhere for a meal or a coffee would probably be better than a market

I agree. If you are meeting someone who is always late, which I know you mentioned, in addition to the slow walking, don't listen to their suggestions of where to meet. Make sure it is somewhere that you can sit down with a coffee or whatever. Not in a draughty street. Go ahead without them if they are late, it will lessen the frustration of waiting around. And definitely do not arrange anything that involves walking with them.

@dropitlikeitsloth

To be honest OP K think we know why your Stepdad disappeared into the crowds. I’m sure you and DH wanted to do the same 🤣

😂

I don't think the dynamic has changed and he may have thought you were BU before, but he's probably just finally had enough of them. You seem to think he's been lying to you for years - I think he's just had enough.

Doesn't everyone find their inlaws and older parents can be annoying at times? It's just normal life, isn't it?

The idea that you should minimise contact with older people just because they can be irritating at times is very short sighted.
What? Older people en masse are irritating? Like some sort of lavender-haired hive mind of behaviour? Well, for starters, the sister is 30 and she sounds just as irritating as the mum. And for seconds, I’m not remotely irritated by my parents or grandparents – they’re all interesting, interested, people. Thirdly of course you can minimise contact with irritating people, same way you minimise contact with bed bugs or norovirus.

I absolutely cannot deal with slow walkers. Can't say I blame him and I agree with PPs that you seem to feel the same. I think people have lower tolerance after lockdown as they've realised how nice it was not to have constant social obligations.

Older people do get fretful

What, all older people?

And again, if the sister is thirty, how old is OP's mum likely to be? Many people in their sixties are still working full time. They are not dithery old dears - and neither are people in their 70s, 80s and 90s.

Can we just stop with the ageist comments?

I actually would be wondering do you know your husband at all, that you honestly thought he would find people that are so annoying anything other than a complete PITA to be around.

When most people are together for some years you get to know their tolerance level.

Your family are rude (the lateness) and deeply annoying (general demeanour/slow walking).

How you would have been so obtuse as to think anyone normal would find them anything other than deeply annoying is beyond me.

As for scheduling numerous days out with them?

Really OP, you need to be a lot nore considerate of your husband because having to spend so much time with such annoying people could be considered a deal breaker in a marriage.