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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH finds my family hard work

178 replies

BorisCrimboParty · 08/12/2021 12:15

Or more so my mum, sister and stepfather.

They ARE hard work but DH and I have been together for 10 years and he’s never mentioned it before. We met up with the 3 of them at weekend to go to a Christmas market.
It was a 10 minute walk from my mums house and my mum and sister walk dead slow. So slow that pensioners with sticks etc get irritated trying to get past them. My sister is only 30. I’ve honestly never known anyone walk so slow but nobody mentioned it yet they constantly called us back to apologise for how slow they are. DH and I were trying to chat but were constantly being shouted of to apologise for slow walking. Anyway we eventually got to the market and my step dad suddenly disappeared into the crowd and we lost him, he just walked off!! My mum and sister then continuously mentioned that he was was lost and that we needed to find him. There was no way we would find him in those crowds and he knew his way home so DH and I just carried on trying to enjoy the market only to keep getting shouted back to be told that step father was missing. At every corner my mum and sister just stopped dead asking which way we were going. I had mentioned that DH and I were planning on visiting my cousin after the market and my mum continuously asked questions about it
“What time are you going to Laura’s?”
“Are you staying at Laura’s all afternoon?”
“Does Laura know you’re going?”
“Are you walking to Laura’s or driving?”
“What time does Laura think you’re going?”

In the end I snapped and said “I don’t know!! It’s not a big event! We’re just popping in!” My mum and sister started whispering to each other about how I struggle in crowds etc - DH was getting irritable at this point. We carried on walking.
“Are you getting lunch here?”
“Was you getting fish and chips?”
“Was your going to get something when you get home?”
“Are you eating at Laura’s?”
“Don’t you like the market?”
“What time are you leaving the market?”
“Are you walking around the market again?”
“What way are we going now?”

Argh!!!!

Anyway we’re due to go to a Christmas festival with them next weekend and DH started ranting last night that he can’t face another day out with them. He also thinks I should see less of them as I always come home snappy when I’ve been with them.

Now I’m going to feel awkward next time we’re with them as I now know how he really feels!

OP posts:
Original poster
BorisCrimboParty · 08/12/2021 12:31

There is no medical reason. Neither are disabled. I’m sure my sister does it for attention. When she was younger she seemed to take pleasure in everyone having to stop to wait for her to catch up. I remember once a day trip with my grandmother, we were walking somewhere and my grandmother had to keep stopping to let my sister catch up and my sister would laugh and say “sorry! I can’t go any faster!”

OP posts:
Original poster
BorisCrimboParty · 08/12/2021 12:33

Next week was purely accidental. I just mentioned that DH and I were going and my mum said they all wanted to go too.

They always turn up late too so we’re stuck waiting around for them then they’ll moan about everything from traffic to weather to small children

OP posts:
ForbiddentoForbid · 08/12/2021 12:36

They sound very annoying.

luverlybubberly · 08/12/2021 12:36

Yabu
Think about how annoying you find them. He's inevitably going to have less patience because they aren't his family but he's tried for 10 years. As an outsider, they sound very annoying.

Negligee · 08/12/2021 12:37

What's the AIBU? You and your husband both agree they're incredibly aggravating, and I could feel my own blood pressure spiking when I read the description of the day out.

I mean, DH and I both agree on both our families being hard work to be around, and that hasn't changed in the 30 years we've been a couple.

I was assuming your mother was very elderly, perhaps quite unwell, and possibly anxious and forgetful, but you're saying your sister exhibits exactly the same behaviour, aged 30? That's a bit concerning. Does she have health problems to explain the slow walking?

AryaStarkWolf · 08/12/2021 12:39

@BorisCrimboParty

Next week was purely accidental. I just mentioned that DH and I were going and my mum said they all wanted to go too.

They always turn up late too so we’re stuck waiting around for them then they’ll moan about everything from traffic to weather to small children

I'd be pissed if I were your DH too, it sounds like they will completely ruin the day, you should have told them that you might see them there but not arranged to all go there together
VimFuego101 · 08/12/2021 12:40

Your DH sounds like a saint. I'd have opted out of joining in all but significant events like Christmas, weddings and funerals by now if I was him. You don't seem to enjoy contact this frequently either, so why are you putting yourself through it? Avoid the situations you know you'll find annoying (like walking places) and minimize the information you give them.

DroopyClematis · 08/12/2021 12:40

We're all feeling busy and a bit irritable in the run up to Christmas so , if I were you, I'd knock the festival on the head and not go with them.

In the New Year, I'd think about not meeting up as often and to start limiting the occasions that you spend with them.
That your husband has finally snapped is the wake up call that you need.

It would be sad and awkward if your husband started to check out of get togethers with your family.

AllyBama · 08/12/2021 12:40

You sound upset that your DH has finally come clean and admitted to you how difficult he finds them. Would you preferred that he continued to be dishonest just so you could feel better about your family? I’m sorry but if he’s put up with all that for 10 years then he deserves a medal and I quite agree that if (by your own extensive admission) they are such hard work, I would want to see them less too. I think YABU to be upset with him for simply agreeing with something you are clearly quite vocal about yourself.

SilverHairedCat · 08/12/2021 12:41

So at the festival, so what your SD did and split up! Tell them to meet you 30mins before you actually want to meet so they can be late.

CloudyStorms · 08/12/2021 12:42

What's your AIBU? That he should have suffered in silence?

Justmuddlingalong · 08/12/2021 12:42

Keep any future plans to yourselves. Then, without them gatecrashing, you and DH can enjoy activities without the stress of their behaviour.

MoreAloneTime · 08/12/2021 12:42

With some family members I reckon you need to figure out what works best or if necessary least worse and stick with it. If they are a pain to walk with maybe a sit down activity like a restaurant where you meet there and don't travel together. I'd also limit what you tell them so you don't get so many irritating questions.

RoastPotatoQueen · 08/12/2021 12:42

No wonder your step dad went "missing". Grin
YANBU. I would spend a little less time with them too. I'd also say your going to the festival as a date just you and your DH.

Lasair · 08/12/2021 12:43

Walk at your own pace, ignore the shouts back!

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 08/12/2021 12:44

Your step dad has the right idea.

You need to wonder why you find your DHs revelation is surprising. You know he is right. What were you relying on when he was being polite about it?

You need to decide that your DM and DSis are the issue and it is not terrible to choose not to engage with them in places they can do this to you any more. You can even tell them that, directly, why the hell wouldn't you?

Basically, stop martyring yourself and expecting your DH to join you. Even your DMs own DH doesn't put up with it!

LightDrizzle · 08/12/2021 12:44

YABU for not making it clear which way to vote.

They sound incredibly annoying, presumably he can opt out of joint activities?

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 08/12/2021 12:45

They always turn up late too so we’re stuck waiting around for them

Arrange to meet them there... and then just don't wait for them!

ClaudiaJ1 · 08/12/2021 12:46

@CMOTDibbler

If he has lasted 10 years of this without saying anything, the man is a saint tbh.
Totally! Her family sound like little kids in the back of the car saying "are we there yet?" Every 1.5 minutes.

Have you ever asked them why they walk so slowly and why they ask so many exhausting pointless questions? I felt like I walked a marathon just reading it.

dropitlikeitsloth · 08/12/2021 12:47

To be honest OP K think we know why your Stepdad disappeared into the crowds. I’m sure you and DH wanted to do the same 🤣

ShinyHappyPoster · 08/12/2021 12:47

It sounds like they were trying to chat with you because you were all having a day out together but you and your DH walked on ahead and then didn't really engage in conversation with them so they just kept wittering, trying to make it better but making it even worse in your opinion. I feel a bit sorry for them.

ComDummings · 08/12/2021 12:48

@CMOTDibbler

If he has lasted 10 years of this without saying anything, the man is a saint tbh.
This is true ^
malificent7 · 08/12/2021 12:48

I'm amazed he hasn't killed anyone by now!

EerieSilence · 08/12/2021 12:48

They definitely come across as hard work. You seem to feel the same.
If I had a choice, I wouldn't want to be near people like this either and limit my contact with them to a minimum.
Not sure what your BU is.

MLMshouldbeillegal · 08/12/2021 12:49

I could feel my blood pressure soaring just reading that. They sound like a nightmare. I recognise a lot of the questioning and "fussing" from my own inlaws, but Dh tackles it head on by telling them to stop it. OP is clearly both used to it and suffering in silence and the pressure has just built up.

I also agree that you need to stop including them on days out which involve walking anywhere or crowded places as they can't cope. And don't tell them about plans for after.

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