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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH finds my family hard work

178 replies

BorisCrimboParty · 08/12/2021 12:15

Or more so my mum, sister and stepfather.

They ARE hard work but DH and I have been together for 10 years and he’s never mentioned it before. We met up with the 3 of them at weekend to go to a Christmas market.
It was a 10 minute walk from my mums house and my mum and sister walk dead slow. So slow that pensioners with sticks etc get irritated trying to get past them. My sister is only 30. I’ve honestly never known anyone walk so slow but nobody mentioned it yet they constantly called us back to apologise for how slow they are. DH and I were trying to chat but were constantly being shouted of to apologise for slow walking. Anyway we eventually got to the market and my step dad suddenly disappeared into the crowd and we lost him, he just walked off!! My mum and sister then continuously mentioned that he was was lost and that we needed to find him. There was no way we would find him in those crowds and he knew his way home so DH and I just carried on trying to enjoy the market only to keep getting shouted back to be told that step father was missing. At every corner my mum and sister just stopped dead asking which way we were going. I had mentioned that DH and I were planning on visiting my cousin after the market and my mum continuously asked questions about it
“What time are you going to Laura’s?”
“Are you staying at Laura’s all afternoon?”
“Does Laura know you’re going?”
“Are you walking to Laura’s or driving?”
“What time does Laura think you’re going?”

In the end I snapped and said “I don’t know!! It’s not a big event! We’re just popping in!” My mum and sister started whispering to each other about how I struggle in crowds etc - DH was getting irritable at this point. We carried on walking.
“Are you getting lunch here?”
“Was you getting fish and chips?”
“Was your going to get something when you get home?”
“Are you eating at Laura’s?”
“Don’t you like the market?”
“What time are you leaving the market?”
“Are you walking around the market again?”
“What way are we going now?”

Argh!!!!

Anyway we’re due to go to a Christmas festival with them next weekend and DH started ranting last night that he can’t face another day out with them. He also thinks I should see less of them as I always come home snappy when I’ve been with them.

Now I’m going to feel awkward next time we’re with them as I now know how he really feels!

OP posts:
QueeniesCroft · 08/12/2021 13:19

Now that both of you have admitted how annoying you find your family, do you feel pressured to "solve" the problem somehow? I had a similar situation where I suffered a hideous elederly relative of MrCroft's- it went on for 8 years and she was vile to me, but I smiled and tolerated her because I thought that my new husband wanted me to. As it turned out, if I'd said that I couldn't stand her and her nasty little remarks, then we could have easily stopped seeing her and saved a whole heap of stress. (As an aside, my BIL had stepped in and is eagerly anticipating his huge inheritance. I haven't told him about the equity release...).

Now it's out in the open, you have the chance to make it all less painful all round. Do you want to see your family? If you do, then you should, but you can't really expect your husband to want to, and it would be a good idea to manage the situation so you aren't doing anything that you know annoys you. So, no shopping (this may mean taking a deep breath and saying "No, it doesn't really work when we do that together" or similar).

Also, if they are late, don't wait for them. Warn them that you really need to leave on time and then do so. Call them to tell them that you are waiting 5 more minutes and no longer, and then leave.And as you go, thank whatever higher power you like that you have a husband who has put up with this level of annoyance for TEN years! He loves you, for sure.

Pippapet · 08/12/2021 13:22

My mum does the slow walking thing too. I get the impression she subconsciously thinks everyone is somehow admiring her and also she likes that people are having to move around her, that she is setting the pace.

She also likes to always go outside of the norm, so if for example we're at a kiosk that sells tea, coffee and sandwiches she'll ask what herbal teas they offer. Then when they say it's tea or coffee and that's it for hot drinks, she'll ask if they have a slice of lemon and could she have a teapot with some just-boiled water in. They don't have lemon slices or teapots so she'll stand there looking confuddled and pondering over what to do next. Should she just have a cup of hot water? Or do they have bottled water? Yes. Great. There you go, Mum. But no - do they do sparkling bottled water? She doesn't like still water. They ran out of sparkling. When are you getting some more in, she'll ask. As if they'll just run down to the cash and carry whilst she waits. Meanwhile queue is building up. Then there's all "If I have a £10 note can you give me some 50ps in the change". They don't have any 50ps. Could they think they could go and get some from somewhere? And so on and on. She likes creating attention and servitude.

Fredstheteds · 08/12/2021 13:25

Why not say that’s meet after for a coffee ? Everyone can go round at their own pace. At least yours want to come- mine don’t

Shedmistress · 08/12/2021 13:26

10 years and he's never uttered a word. Give him a medal OP.

Don't make him do this again, it is tedious and who in their right mind wants to walk at toddler pace through a market?

Why do they walk so slow in the first place? Is something wrong with them?

Pipsquiggle · 08/12/2021 13:29

They do sound annoying - not sure what you want from this thread OP.

I think if they grate on DH (sounds like he's a saint if he's only just reacted to this after 10 years), he shouldn't go to every get together.

Not sure why you think this is 'awkward' - my family and my DH's family are like chalk and cheese. We totally acknowledge this and don't expect our OH to attend every meeting

Justilou1 · 08/12/2021 13:31

Sounds like control & attention-seeking bullshit if you ask me. No wonder Stepdad nicked off as soon as he got there. Bet the crowded market was the only peace he’d had in ages. I would also wager that mum & sis walk normally when alone. They sound like twats.

endofthecorridoor · 08/12/2021 13:33

My Dad does this just to annoy my DH. I find it so irritating and awkward not knowing who to walk with. If DD was just slow it would be fine but its a stupid power play and has effected our relationship quite badly. Your DH sounds nice i would just give him the day off on the next visit and try not to come home moaning about it xx

BigSandyBalls2015 · 08/12/2021 13:33

I'd be pissed off as well if they'd gate crashed our plans, having spent the previous weekend with them!

YellowRollNeck · 08/12/2021 13:34

Trip the sister up

Xiaoxiong · 08/12/2021 13:34

@Pippapet my blood pressure is rising just reading that. Flowers for you having to deal with it in real life!!!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/12/2021 13:36

@BorisCrimboParty

Next week was purely accidental. I just mentioned that DH and I were going and my mum said they all wanted to go too.

They always turn up late too so we’re stuck waiting around for them then they’ll moan about everything from traffic to weather to small children

Tell them you'll meet them at X place ay Y o'clock.

Then go earlier, do all your shopping/ browsing, and go to X place for Y+1 o'clock.

If they complain say "It's not very nice having to wait for someone, is it?"

Stay with them an hour (time for them to get to their feet and pick up their stuff) then go home.

godmum56 · 08/12/2021 13:39

@CMOTDibbler

If he has lasted 10 years of this without saying anything, the man is a saint tbh.
this....also its not fair to go home and take it out on him.
diddl · 08/12/2021 13:39

@endofthecorridoor

My Dad does this just to annoy my DH. I find it so irritating and awkward not knowing who to walk with. If DD was just slow it would be fine but its a stupid power play and has effected our relationship quite badly. Your DH sounds nice i would just give him the day off on the next visit and try not to come home moaning about it xx
You surely walk with your husband not someone who is being deliberately annoying?
Sceptre86 · 08/12/2021 13:40

He should be allowed to opt out of these type of gatherings, I know I do. Dhs family are late risers and sleep late too. Consequently they are late for everything so I refuse to go out with them. The last straw was when we booked cinema tickets at their request because it would be nice for the kids to spend time together only for them to turn up an hour into the film. It was a kids film so only lasted about 90 minutes anyway. I'd understand if dn was a toddler but he is 6 years old. His parents just got up late. He then had a crying fit because we went in without him.

Do these kind of events without your family. Don't overshare and if they do suggest going out together let your oh opt out. You can't change them but he doesn't have to suffer their presence anymore than he wants to.

Branleuse · 08/12/2021 13:40

id think it was a good idea to make sure your arrangements with them dont involve walking much.
Meeting somewhere for a meal or a coffee would probably be better than a market

Phrowzunn · 08/12/2021 13:42

OP you say the dynamic has changed but that could be a good thing! My in-laws are extremely difficult to be around (for both me and my DH) but because we are on the same page we are able to make it bearable for each other. We try and find humour in the things they do or let off steam together afterwards. Sometimes we play secret bingo where we make a list of things we bet they’ll do or say and it makes it kind of fun and hilarious instead of super annoying. I honestly think your DH being on side with this is a positive thing.

Mydogmylife · 08/12/2021 13:42

@CMOTDibbler

If he has lasted 10 years of this without saying anything, the man is a saint tbh.
This completely
Arethechildreninbedyet · 08/12/2021 13:44

It sounds very stressful not just for your husband but for you too.

I relate to things you've said throughout this and I get the sense your Mum and sister are 'a team' and you're seen as a bit of an outsider - the whispering, making you come back etc. Are you close in other ways?

It's OK to find them annoying and to acknowledge that they are hard work and irritate you. You're not betraying them or being a bad daughter/sister in any way, nor are you being unreasonable.

The Stately Homes thread is always there for complicated families if you ever need to talk. I spent thirty years defending my mum and feeling intensely guilty, it's very cathartic to talk to people who not only empathise at you having a difficult relationship/family but also understand.

MargosKaftan · 08/12/2021 13:44

Stop doing days out with them. Your sister is deliberately being slow for attention so don't give her the opportunity. Text and say you have realised you have a clash next week at the thing so won't be going now, hope they have fun. Dont tell them any plans in the future. Do things like book a table in a restaurant for a set time and arrange to meet them there. If it takes them an hour to get there, that's business.

I would message your sister and ask her if shes thought about seeing a doctor or physio about her mobility issues - say its not normal for a 30 year old to have such limited mobility and each time you are with her and she's super slow "have you still not got help for your mobility issues. You must know its not normal for someone your age to struggle to walk short distances. We're worried about you."

NorthSouthcatlady · 08/12/2021 13:44

But they do sound hard work and you feel the same about them? Nothing wrong with him stating this and feeling it

EnidFrighten · 08/12/2021 13:45

I'd find the least annoying context and see them there. Can you see them in their or your house?

Going round a market with someone like that would drive me doolally, and I'm used to walking with a toddler likes to look closely at every car wheel we pass!

DameAlyson · 08/12/2021 13:45

Your mum sounds like she is ageing, I find these typical old people comments, it's like they dont have enough in their lives so focus on the minor detail

'typical old people comments'

The ageism never ceases on Mumsnet, does it?

OP says her sister is 30. How old exactly is her mother likely to be?

CSJobseeker · 08/12/2021 13:46

They do sound like hard work! He's allowed to be honest about it, provided he isn't rude to them.

Older people do get fretful, so I would put up with the questioning from your mum because I know that it's typical of that sort of fretfulness.

But your sister is 30 and she behaves like that?!

Nomorepies · 08/12/2021 13:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

CSJobseeker · 08/12/2021 13:48

@endofthecorridoor

My Dad does this just to annoy my DH. I find it so irritating and awkward not knowing who to walk with. If DD was just slow it would be fine but its a stupid power play and has effected our relationship quite badly. Your DH sounds nice i would just give him the day off on the next visit and try not to come home moaning about it xx
Why would you walk with the man engaging in a "stupid power play"? Fuck that for a laugh - walk with your husband. If your dad wants company, he'll speed up.