DH finds my family hard work

[BorisCrimboParty]

Or more so my mum, sister and stepfather.

They ARE hard work but DH and I have been together for 10 years and he’s never mentioned it before. We met up with the 3 of them at weekend to go to a Christmas market.
It was a 10 minute walk from my mums house and my mum and sister walk dead slow. So slow that pensioners with sticks etc get irritated trying to get past them. My sister is only 30. I’ve honestly never known anyone walk so slow but nobody mentioned it yet they constantly called us back to apologise for how slow they are. DH and I were trying to chat but were constantly being shouted of to apologise for slow walking. Anyway we eventually got to the market and my step dad suddenly disappeared into the crowd and we lost him, he just walked off!! My mum and sister then continuously mentioned that he was was lost and that we needed to find him. There was no way we would find him in those crowds and he knew his way home so DH and I just carried on trying to enjoy the market only to keep getting shouted back to be told that step father was missing. At every corner my mum and sister just stopped dead asking which way we were going. I had mentioned that DH and I were planning on visiting my cousin after the market and my mum continuously asked questions about it
“What time are you going to Laura’s?”
“Are you staying at Laura’s all afternoon?”
“Does Laura know you’re going?”
“Are you walking to Laura’s or driving?”
“What time does Laura think you’re going?”

In the end I snapped and said “I don’t know!! It’s not a big event! We’re just popping in!” My mum and sister started whispering to each other about how I struggle in crowds etc - DH was getting irritable at this point. We carried on walking.
“Are you getting lunch here?”
“Was you getting fish and chips?”
“Was your going to get something when you get home?”
“Are you eating at Laura’s?”
“Don’t you like the market?”
“What time are you leaving the market?”
“Are you walking around the market again?”
“What way are we going now?”

Argh!!!!

Anyway we’re due to go to a Christmas festival with them next weekend and DH started ranting last night that he can’t face another day out with them. He also thinks I should see less of them as I always come home snappy when I’ve been with them.

Now I’m going to feel awkward next time we’re with them as I now know how he really feels!

They do sound like hard work and I think your Sdad had the right idea
But it sounds like Anxiety to me on their part and your Mum and Sis are feeding off eachother

I clicked YABU since you feel the same and they're your family!

Your mum sounds like she is ageing, I find these typical old people comments, it's like they dont have enough in their lives so focus on the minor detail

I'd see them at their house rather than out (or at yours) and in smaller doses

I wouldn't take it that your husband has secretly hated them for ever - they might have got more annoying over time or his tolerance may have dropped

Next time, follow your stepdad's lead. 😂
If your husband has only just cracked after 10 years though, he's done very, very well. I think I can be fairly tolerant of annoying behaviour, maybe more than I should sometimes, but I would have snapped way sooner than he did, probably in less than a year of putting up with them. They do sound like very hard work.

Your mum and sister sound excruciating and I wouldn't want to be around them

YABVU

You say yourself they’re hard work! He’s obviously tried to be nice but after putting up with it for 10 years he snapped.

I'd have made fun of them by now for their slowness and stupidity. They might quit when everyone is laughing at them.

How have you not told your sister to stop being a complete and utter thundercunt with the slow walking alone I do not know.

Don’t give it attention and walk off. Natural consequences.

And your DH - poor man!!!!

What do you want/need from this thread OP?

This is very easily solved as PP said, don't do activities that involve walking around with them. Control your environment for the sake of both your stress levels. See them at their home only. I would imagine other pedestrians' stress levels rise around them too!

now he’s admitted he feels the same it’s validated everything and I feel the dynamic has changed

It has! It's out in the open between you now, so you can both work towards minimising time like this with your family. There's nothing to be ashamed of or pretend, with your husband, from now on. And that's great! You can start planning what you can to reduce the time you spend with them where walking (etc) might be involved.

Oh god, to get to the end of that painful read only to hear you have to do it all again next week!

Your husband sounds like a saint for having bitten his tongue for 10 years.

At least now you can moan about them together & make plans to avoid them.

They sound insufferable & not to be inflicted on a poor partner multiple times during the Xmas season.

You should give your DH a kiss and a hug, maybe even something stronger. He's a keeper, not many partners could tolerate your relatives for 10 years. You've got a good one there.

Sometimes the best thing is to split & meet up again later at these things.

Your step dad had the right idea!

Your Mum & sister both sound very hard work.

They sound very annoying! You could have said, have a walk round, we will meet you back here in an hour. You don’t have to walk round as a slow moving homogeneous blob. I find as particularly my mum has got older she asks pointless questions and misunderstands things that make perfect sense to me. I think it’s just aging.

I'd be cancelling the Christmas fair trip with them. Perfect storm of crowds and walking. Tell them you aren't feeling well, and then in future see them at home or in a cafe, keep the conversation to things that don't lead to 20 questions, and tell them absolutely nothing about your plans.

I have an acquaintance like this and I turn each question around on them, ask them lots of questions and get them talking about themselves. I never reveal any information. They probably think I'm a personality void but it's the only way to come out of the conversation in one piece.

"What are you doing for Christmas?"
"Oh nothing special, what are YOU doing for Christmas?"

@Shoxfordian

It seems like you agree with him so he’s not being unreasonable

Probably best to see them less if you can

This.

My mum does slow-walking competitively. She walks slow, I slow my pace, she walks slower. I've measured her doing this. It's beyond frustrating.

Add in a thousand pointless questions and I'd be arranging nothing that involved any walking ever again. Maybe a meet there, meet back up for lunch, do your own thing but not dragging round with them all day. Sounds martyr-ish.

Plot twist - Step dad got himself lost on purpose to escape DM & SIL

Better management - meeting them at places - more use of mobiles to find each other or sitwich to cinerma/theater visist where there's lots of sitting.

I did find it irriating DH was very impatient with my DP and slow walking - it does often mean I'm on edge even now trying to keep everyone happy. I do sometime wonder if I'm similar on such visits with questions trying to keep conversation going between everyone and I feel the tension.

Though with IL and slow walking with MIL it was the kids and I who slowed down to talk to her and now it's both IL they do let us go ahead and not call back all the time and we do stop to catch everyone up.

Could you go without DH to the Christmas festival - or meet up for a drink once you are all there?

My exhusband's mother was like this and as awful as the divorce was both emotionally and financially...I honestly do an internal whoop that I don't have to deal with her or the inane conversation any more.

I feel this joy radomly at least twice a week and pretty much all of December in the lead up to Christmas.

Your poor husband - sounds as though he's been quite patient in the past but has reached his limit. And surely your stepfather disappeared quickly because he knew what your mother and sister were like and wanted some peace! 🌹

Doesn't everyone find their inlaws and older parents can be annoying at times? It's just normal life, isn't it?

The idea that you should minimise contact with older people just because they can be irritating at times is very short sighted. Even though you may find their ways aren't easy to take, they are people with real feelings who did look after you when you were annoying too.

I suppose the inane questions is just your Mum trying to keep the conversation going.

Also, perhaps trying to stop you pissing off like her husband has.

I feel a bit sorry for her, but if your sister really doesn't need to walk so slow, your mum needs to stop pandering to it.

Another who fails to see the AIBU 🤷🏻‍♀️
The dynamic has only changed in a good way.

I have PITA family, as does my husband. We both see it as part of a partnership that we grin and bear it for the other person every so often.

Work how often that is for you both.

No. I couldn't be bothered having a day out with such irritating folk.

@PleasantBirthday

Doesn't everyone find their inlaws and older parents can be annoying at times? It's just normal life, isn't it?

The idea that you should minimise contact with older people just because they can be irritating at times is very short sighted. Even though you may find their ways aren't easy to take, they are people with real feelings who did look after you when you were annoying too.

Her sister's the most annoying one and is only 30...