DH finds my family hard work

[BorisCrimboParty]

Or more so my mum, sister and stepfather.

They ARE hard work but DH and I have been together for 10 years and he’s never mentioned it before. We met up with the 3 of them at weekend to go to a Christmas market.
It was a 10 minute walk from my mums house and my mum and sister walk dead slow. So slow that pensioners with sticks etc get irritated trying to get past them. My sister is only 30. I’ve honestly never known anyone walk so slow but nobody mentioned it yet they constantly called us back to apologise for how slow they are. DH and I were trying to chat but were constantly being shouted of to apologise for slow walking. Anyway we eventually got to the market and my step dad suddenly disappeared into the crowd and we lost him, he just walked off!! My mum and sister then continuously mentioned that he was was lost and that we needed to find him. There was no way we would find him in those crowds and he knew his way home so DH and I just carried on trying to enjoy the market only to keep getting shouted back to be told that step father was missing. At every corner my mum and sister just stopped dead asking which way we were going. I had mentioned that DH and I were planning on visiting my cousin after the market and my mum continuously asked questions about it
“What time are you going to Laura’s?”
“Are you staying at Laura’s all afternoon?”
“Does Laura know you’re going?”
“Are you walking to Laura’s or driving?”
“What time does Laura think you’re going?”

In the end I snapped and said “I don’t know!! It’s not a big event! We’re just popping in!” My mum and sister started whispering to each other about how I struggle in crowds etc - DH was getting irritable at this point. We carried on walking.
“Are you getting lunch here?”
“Was you getting fish and chips?”
“Was your going to get something when you get home?”
“Are you eating at Laura’s?”
“Don’t you like the market?”
“What time are you leaving the market?”
“Are you walking around the market again?”
“What way are we going now?”

Argh!!!!

Anyway we’re due to go to a Christmas festival with them next weekend and DH started ranting last night that he can’t face another day out with them. He also thinks I should see less of them as I always come home snappy when I’ve been with them.

Now I’m going to feel awkward next time we’re with them as I now know how he really feels!

People change, relationship dynamics change, and people reach breaking points. Your husband has done well to not mention his annoyance for ten years. I imagine he felt guilty after finally blowing up in a moment of weakness, but you must have known on some level that your family is annoying, and he was only being polite or trying to keep the peace between you and your family.

I'd continue to avoid going places with them. If you're standing or sitting somewhere, they can't dawdle. Also, if your husband doesn't want to see them as often as you do, he doesn't have to do so.

i can't deal with slow walkers either and I wouldn't deal with your family.

heck, YOU can't deal with your own family either @BorisCrimboParty! They make you snappy and irritable because they ARE irritating. Sounds like even Stepdad can't wait to get off the lead either too!

Do yourself a favour and leave the festival for another year - alone - and leave them to it. give your H a break, give yourself a break.

After lockdown we are ALL reevaluating everything and your H is finally saying "fuck dat shit" and with good reason.

Listen to him, listen to yourself, pull back and be happy.

Vote Team DH, Vote Team @BorisCrimboParty.

Haven’t voted because it’s not clear what the AIBU is. But you would be VU to continue subjecting your DH to this nonsense. If you choose to do it to yourself, don’t come home and be snappy to him.

Your sister’s behaviour is bizarre. The two of them would be owed more patience if disability was involved, but for her to have been doing this from a young age for no real reason is very abnormal. And your mum has never got her to knock it off, which is also odd. Does your sister live with your mum? Does she hold down a job and have a generally normal life? Is the slow walking something she does only when she’s with your mum/you? There’s a strange dynamic between the two of them and it looks like they could be enabling each other’s weird behaviour.

Whatever’s behind it, you can just do what pp have suggested and see them only at your house / their house / fixed time at a restaurant etc.

If he works full time and then has to spend a weekend doing that, or even an afternoon I'd question if that's truly fair on him.

Allow him a chance at doing something relaxing or fun.

Your family sounds stressful. Could you go on your own?

Don't wait for them, go to the festival and if they call you to see where they are then meet up. If not then carry on with your plans and leave when you've finished.

Again, don't share any leisure plans with them so they can't tag along with you. Need to start pulling up your big girl pants.

Your sister is behaving like an entitled princess and your mum is enabling her.

I’m fed up waiting for people. If I am at something I really want to get a good look around I arrange an hour or so on my own. Arrange to meet up for a drink and a chat and then perhaps go off again. Fortunately my parents feel the same and it makes things easier if you see something you’d like to buy as a gift for someone you’re with. Maybe use that as an excuse and next time don’t tell them you’re going.

I agree with others, your DH is a saint.

Tbh, the main question in my mind is why your DH hasn't felt comfortable saying something to you before now. Why is it such a big event for him to be honest about his feelings?

In most long-term couples, people are honest with their partner if they find their in-laws hard work.

I totally agree with him. I have similar with my family and after spending time with them notice. we are both ( me and my boyfriend) are in bad form after spending time with them. So now i limit the time i spend with them. I don't spend a full day with them and they also need to respect my time and boundaries aswell. Also am vague with my plans so they don't tag along or invite them selves. Dont go this weekend or if you have to go by yourself.

for her to have been doing this from a young age for no real reason is very abnormal

Given the fact that there is no disability or illness, it's common or garden attention seeking. Nothing more.

Frankly, I'd walk off and leave her - if she wants attention she'll learn to keep up. She keeps walking slowly because it has always worked as a tactic until now.

Sorry OP but what's your AIBU? I am struggling to know what you want from this thread.

If you want permission to say your family are fucking annoying as shit, then YANBU.

If you think DH should tolerate this more than about once a decade year then YABVU.

They would drive me round the twist.

Next time you suffer the slow walking, just say "We'll go on ahead and meet back up when you get there" and just walk off. Just go. Guaranteed they won't like it, but it's their own time they are wasting!

They sound like something off Inside Number 9. Deeply fucking annoying.

Your DH is right.

Does your sister work? Just wondering if she walks that slowly in work. Or in the supermarket.

I felt stressed reading about them so I can understand why your husband (and you) feel stressed out in their company.

I can relate to how they effect you- my mother and one of my siblings stresses me out a lot for various reasons I won’t go into (it’s your thread not mine). But don’t underestimate the knock on effect them pissing you off has on your husband and your family life. Therefore don’t be too hard on him about voicing his opinion of them.

Why do they walk so slowly? Are they disabled?

In the end I snapped and said “I don’t know!! It’s not a big event! We’re just popping in!” My mum and sister started whispering to each other about how I struggle in crowds etc

This made me laugh. They sound funny but infuriating

They do sound annoying, but I've got to say, it really irritates me when people start talking about "minimising contact" with family over minor irritations. Presumably these are people you LOVE ffs (which is why you still see so much of them despite them being so annoying).

You need to find ways to deal with it without cutting them out. Christ, if we all cut out everyone we find the slightest bit annoying we'd all be living in individual caves never seeing anyone. Just roll your eyes, joke about it to your husband now you're on the same page.

@BorisCrimboParty

Next week was purely accidental. I just mentioned that DH and I were going and my mum said they all wanted to go too.

They always turn up late too so we’re stuck waiting around for them then they’ll moan about everything from traffic to weather to small children

Well you need to knock this on the head, don't you?

Text them (don't phone, they'll just moan at you and make you cave) that there's been a change of plan for next week and you'll meet them there. Give them a time and a place where you will meet them, e.g. 2pm at the corner of X and Y Streets.

You and DH go there at say 10am, enjoy yourselves, turn up where/when you said you'd meet them, wait ten minutes and then head for home. 'So sorry to miss you, were you late again? We did wait!'. In the extremely unlikely event that they show up on time you can spend half an hour listening to their moaning before you head for home - 'Ooh, really feeling the cold today, I think we'll head off. Enjoy yourselves - byee!'.

"Now I’m going to feel awkward next time we’re with them as I now know how he really feels!"
You really need to give your head a wobble on this. You know they're hard work. They've always been hard work. You find them hard work. Just because he was polite and didn't verbalise the bleedin' obvious - did you really think he didn't think they were hard work?

"Now I’m going to feel awkward next time we’re with them as I now know how he really feels!"

And he knows how you feel as you're the one who snapped!

It must be the grammar:
“Was you getting fish and chips?”
WTF Who speaks like that?

@CMOTDibbler

If he has lasted 10 years of this without saying anything, the man is a saint tbh.

My god, yes. I was getting irritated just reading the OP.

You seem to feel the same way as your husband, OP. So what's the issue? Take a break from them.

You say 10 years..was your sister like this at 20? It doesn’t sound like normal behaviour. I wouldn’t walk slowly and wait for them. Just tell them to look around, is anyone else walking as slow? Just both you and your husband, tell them that you won’t wait for them, you’ll see them when they’ve managed to catch up. And see them less. I’d be very honest with them, to wake your sister up..

It sounds like DH has said what you think. And that's making you feel guilty. Spend as much or as little time with them as you want, but don't expect DH to endure it. At least he's had the guts to be honest.

It must be the grammar:
“Was you getting fish and chips?”
WTF Who speaks like that?

This. Annoyed me just reading it.

In the extremely unlikely event that they show up on time you can spend half an hour listening to their moaning before you head for home home - 'Ooh, really feeling the cold today, I think we'll head off. Enjoy yourselves - byee!'.

No more of that crap, just tell them it’s no fun going out with them because of the moaning! Can they not hear themselves. They need someone to be honest with them, both you and your husband. Especially at the young age of 30.