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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never send MIL photos again?

339 replies

babybrain77 · 07/12/2021 16:48

This is actually a AIBU for DH.

DH feels extremely strongly about photos of the kids on social media. He has worked in cyber security and always knew that he didn't want pictures of his kids online (including shared by non secure message like whatsapp). It's been a pain in the backside, but I have supported him on it - never send pictures around or posted them anywhere. He found a secure messaging app which would allow us to share pictures with family and friends but which did not allow the pictures to be shared or stored. He set this up for anyone who wanted it and we've managed fine for 3 years.

MIL didnt want to use the app. So we have been printing off and giving her pictures of the kids whenever we see her, and also sending regular pictures in the post during lockdown.

DH recently sent a family friend a message congratulating them on the birth of a grandchild. The family friend replied saying thank you and "it has been so lovely watching your kids grow up from afar" (they live in Australia).

DH doesn't have Facebook so I searched for his mum (we aren't Facebook friends - I also don't really use it). His mum has been taking pictures of the hard copy photos we've sent and posting them on Facebook, freely viewable to all (no privacy restrictions). She has uploaded literally hundreds of pictures.

DH has explicitly explained why he doesn't want pictures online to his mum. He confronted her about it and she shrugged and said "I have to be able to show off my grandkids". He is spitting mad and has said he will never give her another picture, to which she has kicked off massively. IHBU?

OP posts:
Mumkins42 · 08/12/2021 17:38

Im with your hubby on this. I seriously wish Facebook and all the other trash social media would implode. I have never looked back since getting out of it. No one gives a shit about other people's kids or what they're up to - including mine.
The problem is her choosing to blatantly ignore his wishes for a few empty vacuous likes.

CallmeBadJanet · 08/12/2021 17:39

Child protection training I did years ago, stats compiled by CEOP (Child exploitation and online protection), over 80% of images of children are used for purposes "other than that intended". Husband is right, MIL should be barred from seeing any other photos until she promises not to share them.

Sunshinelover2 · 08/12/2021 17:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mirw · 08/12/2021 17:52

Once online, online forever. And as most platforms are not fully secure, they can be nicked and used in child abuse pics, by companies wanting to sell to children, etc. I do not post any photos of family/friends online and have had to deal with SIL posting pics of my mum and dad - mum had dementia and could not consent, dad didn't want his photos online. You are right to dig your heels in and don't send her photos as she has abuse the privelege. Problem could be other family share with her and she carries on... Then threaten her with never seeing her grandchildren again. That should drive it home.

AnnieSnap · 08/12/2021 17:53

Your husband is not being unreasonable. I agree with PP who have said get them taken down by Facebook and it’s absolutely reasonable to let her have no more photos of your kids. She had shown total disrespect for your decisions as parents! She can watch them grow up ‘live’!

TheRemotePart · 08/12/2021 17:56

As soon as my DC was born, I switched all social media to as private as I could suss out
DH still has an open insta, which I would prefer he didn’t , Sad
MIL is totally out of order. You DH actually does this for a living and she’s still not paying attention? Outrageous. To go to all that bother to set it up and she still posts them?
Is she going to feed them meat if you become a vegetarian?
And no, as others have said: some older ones have no idea about settings etc.
Make her delete every single one, or she’ll have a lonely Christmas.
DH could not have been clearer in his wishes.
He must be absolutely livid.
And no she had “no right” but bloody face book will with the images Angry

LaplandLucy · 08/12/2021 17:58

So many naive people on this thread! You just know they’re the type to post on their open with zero security Facebook ‘Lucy off to second class at St Mary’s school in Cheltenham. She loves walking to school with her friend Emma now they are old enough to walk alone’ 🙈🙈 along with photos of their house number and child’s uniform.

Or the ‘off on our holidays now for 3 weeks’ with multiple previous photo and information on their home.

People seem to forget that generations were brought up pre social media. There is literally no reason why anyone should put a photo of their children or online. Not one reason!

AnnieSnap · 08/12/2021 18:04

@babybrain77

I don't think the concern is the images being put to dark uses (although I'm sure there's an element of that), so much as a desire for the kids not to have an enormous data profile associated with them before they are old enough to consent.
Thus seems to me a perfectly reasonable and sensible position.
yourestandingonmyneck · 08/12/2021 18:05

[quote Fl0w3ry]@Livelovebehappy - I can’t believe any parent would want to take a ‘slim chance’ a paedo might get hold of their child’s photos. And you seeing it as just weighing it up as a risk you take ….wow![/quote]
But there's a slim chance of a car accident everytime you get in a car? There's a slim chance of everything / anything in life.

And it's not the same as saying she's leaving her child unattended with a paedo for a few minutes. As disgusting as it is, if a paedo does see/obtain photos of her kids online for unscrupulous purposes, her and her kids will be oblivious. It doesn't actually harm them.

It's the same as a paedo hiding in the bushes watching kids playing in the park. Yes, it's fucking disgusting, but you can't eliminate the possibility.

Legallyblonde77 · 08/12/2021 18:17

Oh I’m fuming on you & DH’s behalf! We didn’t have DS 6 on social media at all until recently.
It’s your right and it absolutely should be respected. Schools etc have policies precisely for this reason and nativities and school events have to adhere to strict policies regarding taking and broadcasting of photos. There are infinite child protection issues around this which are so very different to just seeing a child on the street! Once a photo is online you lose all control over it.
We have sent photos on WhatsApp and my mother (virtually NC) has accidentally forwarded to a family group and I had to call her out and say “wtf who were you trying to forward to without my permission” and erupted with fury that she was “just sharing with a friend” so I know to an extent how you feel. Outrageous breach of trust.

Dguu6u · 08/12/2021 18:25

@yourestandingonmyneck The chance is that there will be identifiable details, such as location, leading to risks to your child.

Bad comparison to car accidents as well. I guess you don’t bother putting a seatbelt on your kids either?

ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 08/12/2021 18:27

www.reddit.com/r/LaBrantFamSnark/comments/lmno7w/questions_are_open_for_tomorrows_ama/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

I always think of this AMA when this topic comes up. Used it to ensure my MIL didn't post any pictures of our kids.

Morgysmum · 08/12/2021 18:35

I am with your husband. I am sure in his job, he has seen a lot of horror shows, as how an innocent photo of your child, could be accessed by a preditor (pedophile or groom) you might not know if your photo has been passed around to other pedophile.
It's also one reason why, schools will not let parents take photos and videos of school plays.
Definitely don't give her anymore photos, when she complains, you want to say sorry, we told you not to post them on social media, you decided not to. So we have stopped, to keep our children safe. She could ask you for a hard copy, to send to relatives in Australia. With a warning to them, not to post on social media.

ForeverWondering · 08/12/2021 18:37

I've not posted my children. My family have respected my wishes and don't post them either

Bertiebiscuit · 08/12/2021 18:43

I'm with your husband - this is completely unacceptable, and as she has shown that she can't be trusted to follow a simple safety rule that most adults completely get, no, I would let her have any more photos - what is wrong with her???

Joesmummy1 · 08/12/2021 19:41

TBH him and her both sound as mad as a box of frogs

exaltedwombat · 08/12/2021 19:44
  1. DH is kidding himself. If it can be displayed on a screen it can be copied and stored.
  1. Remember the scorpion that hitched a lift across a river on a dog?

'You'll sting me'. 'No I won't, that way we both drown'. 'Fair enough, hop on'.

Half way across he stings, they drown. 'Sorry', says the scorpion as they go down, 'it's in my nature'.

It is in a grandmother's nature to share pictures of her grandchildren.

BertramLacey · 08/12/2021 19:53

It is in a grandmother's nature to share pictures of her grandchildren.

And yet we had grandmothers before the invention of photography in the mid 19th century. And once they had photographs they managed not to share them on social media until the early 20th century, what with it not being invented. So if it's then their nature, it's a fairly recent development.

IWasFunBeforeMum · 08/12/2021 19:56

He's not out of order, your MIL is. What a cow when he was quite clear about how he felt. I wouldn't send anymore.

Lifetheuniverseandeverything · 08/12/2021 20:03

Send her photos with her face photoshopped l into hard porn with her location as a watermark and see if she thinks it’s harmless.

AnnieSnap · 08/12/2021 20:08

@exaltedwombat

1. DH is kidding himself. If it can be displayed on a screen it can be copied and stored.
  1. Remember the scorpion that hitched a lift across a river on a dog?

'You'll sting me'. 'No I won't, that way we both drown'. 'Fair enough, hop on'.

Half way across he stings, they drown. 'Sorry', says the scorpion as they go down, 'it's in my nature'.

It is in a grandmother's nature to share pictures of her grandchildren.

That is a ridiculous comment 🤷‍♀️
yourestandingonmyneck · 08/12/2021 20:23

[quote Dguu6u]@yourestandingonmyneck The chance is that there will be identifiable details, such as location, leading to risks to your child.

Bad comparison to car accidents as well. I guess you don’t bother putting a seatbelt on your kids either?[/quote]
Well, that's just common sense though. Don't put bath / potty photos of kids or any identifying information. That's not really the issue being discussed though, is it?

But yes, that's correct, I don't use seatbelts, I just let my kids roll around in the back seat of the car Hmm

TheRemotePart · 08/12/2021 20:38

@Lifetheuniverseandeverything

Never mind OP, just do this one! Grin

Dying … Grin

Sarbears28 · 08/12/2021 20:49

I am 100% with your dh on this. My dh an myself have the same rule. No photos or information on our DC (or even ourselves) on any type of social media. We are also not on social media ourselves. It's such a destructive thing.....we personally believe any benefit of social media does not outweigh the negatives. We also dont agree to any groups or schools our children are apart of taking photos of them.
We actually had the same conversation with our family about posting pictures and in all honesty both sets of parents hate that we dont allow photos or birthday messages on social media. We do not want our children to grow up with their whole lives plastered all over the internet without their consent.

Bitofachinwag · 08/12/2021 20:56

@BertramLacey

It is in a grandmother's nature to share pictures of her grandchildren.

And yet we had grandmothers before the invention of photography in the mid 19th century. And once they had photographs they managed not to share them on social media until the early 20th century, what with it not being invented. So if it's then their nature, it's a fairly recent development.

Quite