To never send MIL photos again?

[babybrain77]

This is actually a AIBU for DH.

DH feels extremely strongly about photos of the kids on social media. He has worked in cyber security and always knew that he didn't want pictures of his kids online (including shared by non secure message like whatsapp). It's been a pain in the backside, but I have supported him on it - never send pictures around or posted them anywhere. He found a secure messaging app which would allow us to share pictures with family and friends but which did not allow the pictures to be shared or stored. He set this up for anyone who wanted it and we've managed fine for 3 years.

MIL didnt want to use the app. So we have been printing off and giving her pictures of the kids whenever we see her, and also sending regular pictures in the post during lockdown.

DH recently sent a family friend a message congratulating them on the birth of a grandchild. The family friend replied saying thank you and "it has been so lovely watching your kids grow up from afar" (they live in Australia).

DH doesn't have Facebook so I searched for his mum (we aren't Facebook friends - I also don't really use it). His mum has been taking pictures of the hard copy photos we've sent and posting them on Facebook, freely viewable to all (no privacy restrictions). She has uploaded literally hundreds of pictures.

DH has explicitly explained why he doesn't want pictures online to his mum. He confronted her about it and she shrugged and said "I have to be able to show off my grandkids". He is spitting mad and has said he will never give her another picture, to which she has kicked off massively. IHBU?

@babybrain77

When you send pictures on WhatsApp, the image is on the recipient's phone. Often people have their phone set to backup to the cloud, at which point that image becomes part of the data packet held by big tech. Since we don't pay for any of these services we use, the data is the "product" and we lose all control of it (dummed down explanation for me!)

For those who have asked what we'll do when they are older (they are currently 3 and 1) - that's a bridge we will cross closer to the time. DH's hope and concern was that we would provide them with the same starting point that our generation had - the choice of what to share and when at a point where they were old enough to give informed consent to the sharing of their data.

The app we use is Wickr. You can prevent screenshotting and the data is automatically "burned" after a set period of time.

I’m with you on this one and your DH.

I don’t share pics of my DC and it’s caused great family issues because extended family didn’t follow my rules. To the point a sister caused a great fuck ton of drama saying I’d ruined her celebration after she was told explicitly not to put pics of my DC online. Properly flounced from FB etc after I reported the pictures of my DC.

Anyway, I stopped attending family events as she’d try to get pictures of DC (who doesn’t like pics taken either but that’s another story).

I really want DC to not have their entire life splayed out blow by blow. I don’t even refer to my DC by their actual names on social media if I do. Just the boy/girl.

I also work with vulnerable adults. Mostly learning difficulty, some with no understanding of boundaries so not having that stuff public or even in a private FB protects me and DC for any potential overlap as I have had individuals look me up on FB.

There’s countless reasons not to overshare online.

Abusive Ex, stalkers/potential stalkers, privacy, jobs we do, risks to new employment etc.

This is the best sort of in-law problem. Your husband is mad at his own mother , you agree with him, she was clearly out of line, and all you have to do is be a good wife!

Whether your husband is excessive or not is irrelevant.
School photos is irrelevant.
What the children will do when they see teenagers is irrelevant.

Your DH clearly expressed what the boundaries are and his mother totally flouted them. She put photos on social media without the parents’ consent (quite the opposite).
I would be absolutely livid.

@PinkWaferBiscuit @lesenfantsdelesperance
I meant in general to all the posts and those with security knowledge. I keep my children off social media, I don’t have Facebook, I use Instagram but the kids don’t go on there. I never really thought about school and nursery funnily enough. I’m in agreement with op and her dh which has now made me think I want to withdraw my consent.

Presumably those of you who think what MIL did is fine are also comfortable with strangers taking photos of your kids at school, in the park, on the beach, swimming etc.?

@Bitofachinwag I've photos of me in the paper growing up and my children have been too- they love looking back at clippings. May not be to the extent of social media but photos are around

Wickr is owned by Amazon so instead of feeding the Facebook (now Meta) data lake you are feeding the Amazon one.

You pays your money (or of course dont) and makes your choice as to which conglomerate you give your data to

I would go no contact to be honest. That is massive and insane. I would make her take every single one down and then block her.

Thank you for all the replies, they are helpful.

Some of the concerns seem a tad of a reach to me. He is not controlling, abusive, living a double life etc. He just doesn't want pictures of the kids online.

Re. Wickr - can't respond to the questions as I don't know. I asked him to find some forum he was comfortable for me to use to send pictures to my immediate family and close friends abroad and that was his choice. His preference would have been none, but it wasn't feasible for me to post pictures out to aunts/cousins/sister who are out of the country.

Presumably those of you who think what MIL did is fine are also comfortable with strangers taking photos of your kids at school, in the park, on the beach, swimming etc?

I don't think what the MIL did was fine - but I'm not concerned at the thought of strangers taking photos of my kids at all. So yes I suppose you'd say I'm comfortable with it.

I agree with your DH - my kids are now young adults so can make their own mind up (and choose not to) - but for years we got pushback for not allowing their photos on Facebook, school websites etc.

Whatever people opinions of photos on social media the fact is this was your choice as parents and she has blatantly ignored that. I would also not give pictures, but does she never take her own pictures or spend time alone with kids?

Yeah I wouldn't be speaking to her again let alone sending her photos. She knew what your wishes were and completely disregarded them. I don't think I'd be as mad if they were photos sent via WhatsApp but to put on social media with no permission from you and no privacy restrictions?! Nope, gone, good luck getting anything from us now we've gone NC.

Mil is in the wrong
Dh is wayyyy 0ver the top

Oh my god some of you are crazy

[quote babybrain77]@TheOccupier no she has never had solo care of the children. DH doesn't trust her to respect our boundaries.

Call him/us PFB if you like, but no one is obligated to download the app. Given that we don't yet have 20 years of history or any evidence about the impact of commoditising our personal data, the "it makes no sense" argument feels quite weak. But then you are probably one of the 99+% of people who just clicks "accept" when a privacy policy notice appears.[/quote]
Your thread has really made me think.

@Avarua

Oh my god some of you are crazy

Only crazy person I can see @Avarua is the one who said "fine by me" if a paedophile wanted to "jack off" to photos of your kids. Vile.

[quote babybrain77]@DipItAgain you can't screenshot on wickr.

@WonderfulYou I have a phone and choose what data I'm willing to share about myself. DH wants the children to have the same choice.[/quote]
Could you take a picture of the screen with another device though?

I find this really upsetting.
Please don’t be too hard on your MIL. Some people on here really seem to want to punish her. If she’s a normal granny, she absolutely adores and loves your children and is full of joy at their very existence. Of course, she must also listen to reason and never ever go against your wishes but was it properly explained to her ? Really properly explained so as to shock her ? That generation hasn’t grown up with internet and cyber security …it’s relatively new for her. I’m a new grandmother and I don’t fully understand either (not that I’ve ever posted photos) If she doesn’t see her grandchildren often, photos will be so very precious to her and it seems so cruel to deny her any more - for her own use of course.
Please giver her another chance by explaining again, kindly and gently so that she fully understands what the unspeakable consequences could be. I’m sure she will then apologise and agree with her son and genuinely regret what she has done.

@LAMPS1 it's kind to want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but it was explained in crystal clear terms at the outset and on many many occasions since. She's not an "old" grandma - she's in her mid 50s and works in IT so is well aware of what she is doing. I've found it quite interesting that it's actually our parents' generation (who did not have Internet access as young people) who have a much harder time understanding our desire for privacy for our children. Almost all of our own friends have not batted an eyelid when we have said no photos online and many have similar rules, although usually a bit less strict.

@LAMPS1 not understanding security risks when you've clearly been told and just being blasè about it is being ignorant or stupid.
I get older people don't see the issues but when they've been told No they should listen.

She's has absolutely no right to disregard your explicit wishes. I would not be sending her more until she takes each and every one down and sincerely apologises.

We are quite strict about our kids photos (thankfully neither set of parents use social media) so I'm with your DH on this.