Page 9 | To never send MIL photos again?

Hawkins001 · 07/12/2021 20:45

@babybrain77

This is actually a AIBU for DH.

DH feels extremely strongly about photos of the kids on social media. He has worked in cyber security and always knew that he didn't want pictures of his kids online (including shared by non secure message like whatsapp). It's been a pain in the backside, but I have supported him on it - never send pictures around or posted them anywhere. He found a secure messaging app which would allow us to share pictures with family and friends but which did not allow the pictures to be shared or stored. He set this up for anyone who wanted it and we've managed fine for 3 years.

MIL didnt want to use the app. So we have been printing off and giving her pictures of the kids whenever we see her, and also sending regular pictures in the post during lockdown.

DH recently sent a family friend a message congratulating them on the birth of a grandchild. The family friend replied saying thank you and "it has been so lovely watching your kids grow up from afar" (they live in Australia).

DH doesn't have Facebook so I searched for his mum (we aren't Facebook friends - I also don't really use it). His mum has been taking pictures of the hard copy photos we've sent and posting them on Facebook, freely viewable to all (no privacy restrictions). She has uploaded literally hundreds of pictures.

DH has explicitly explained why he doesn't want pictures online to his mum. He confronted her about it and she shrugged and said "I have to be able to show off my grandkids". He is spitting mad and has said he will never give her another picture, to which she has kicked off massively. IHBU?

Is your partner either dept 5/6 ? Or a different organisation ?

FreedomFaith · 07/12/2021 20:48

Do you take your DCs swimming, knowing there’s a chance a paedo is ogling them? Do you allow your teen daughter to walk to school alone knowing a paedo might be watching them? My point is, face book pics are no more dangerous than other stuff we allow our DCs to do every day.

The difference there is that it's not a photo being sold on Worldwide. Paedophilia is mainly Internet based now. Recent paedophile cases generally tend to find in the 10s of millions of photos stored on computers, external hard drives etc. And that's not even someone sharing, it's just someone looking. People share this kind of information in their work place too, it's not even at home anymore.

I think you just don't understand the extent of the horrific details of these people, but I don't blame you on that. Not many do, and realistically you're better off not knowing in some ways. It's scary stuff, people who deal with this kind of work need psychological assessments at least twice a year to check if they are being mentally damaged by this.

Hortuslover · 07/12/2021 20:53

Genuine question..what about giving consent to schools/nurseries and allowing children on their website. I’ve not long filled out a data sheet asking for consent to use photos on the schools website. Would you not allow it?

Original poster

babybrain77 · 07/12/2021 20:56

I don't know enough about the ins and outs of the different apps to comment further - wickr was DH's choice and none are perfect. Obviously we have to rely on other people not to take pictures of their screens and post those pictures online. But at least if they did that, the pictures don't have the location/time/date etc. associated with them like the original does.

OP posts:

Guttedbuyer · 07/12/2021 21:02

So many threads just full of posters desperate to prove the OP wrong! The app is irrelevant really. Yes the MIL could take a photo with another phone but this was obviously thought you before they realised they couldn’t trust the MIL.

Thefaceofboe · 07/12/2021 21:03

YANBU, I’d be raging. Although I’m surprised your husband won’t use what’s app but is happy to post them when they could easily get lost in the post.

ArabellaScott · 07/12/2021 21:03

No, I don't.

Teaandcakeordeath83 · 07/12/2021 21:04

If my stance was no photos of the kids on SM (I don't tend to post them anyway) and someone broke that trust and didn't apologise there'd be no way they'd be getting pictures off me full stop. Not even by secure app. You can have all the secure apps in the world but they won't stop someone taking a picture of the screen with another phone/ camera if they really want a picture. How you'd be able to prevent her from taking her own pictures and posting those is a quandary though. I'd be fuming if my relatives started posting pics of my kids all over SM. I've had mil delete them when she's done it.

thecatsthecats · 07/12/2021 21:04

@HollowTalk

My sister-in-law lives down south and I am in the north. Are you suggesting that she shouldn't be able to text me photos of her new grandchild?

Is your husband just objecting to photos being on social media or actually sending any digitally at all?

Genuinely baffled as to why anyone would be interested in a baby so tangentially related to them.

Google "baby pictures" if you're that bothered.

ArabellaScott · 07/12/2021 21:04

Ach, quote fail. That was a reply to Hortus.

Italiangreyhound · 07/12/2021 21:05

MIL cannot be trusted. Just because she doesn't agree with your dh's opinion, she doesn't get to override it.

lesenfantsdelesperance · 07/12/2021 21:06

@Hortuslover

Genuine question..what about giving consent to schools/nurseries and allowing children on their website. I’ve not long filled out a data sheet asking for consent to use photos on the schools website. Would you not allow it?

I don't know if you meant this in general or just to the OP, but pictures of my kids don't go on line and I say no to all these sorts of things. When I can say no on, I do, and when they get older, they can choose.

Skysblue · 07/12/2021 21:08

Yanbu for your dh.

She was given photos on the condition she not put them online. She put them online, without telling you and didn’t even bother to understand how Facebook security settings work. Huge betrayal of trust. If she disagreed with DH’s photo policy she should have told him so and argued her case, not sneakily gone behind his back just to “show off”.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 07/12/2021 21:09

@Hortuslover

Genuine question..what about giving consent to schools/nurseries and allowing children on their website. I’ve not long filled out a data sheet asking for consent to use photos on the schools website. Would you not allow it?

Not sure if you meant this to just the OP or any of those who have posted saying they don't allow pictures on social media.

I don't have my child on social media at all, it was just as easy to fill in the nursery paperwork as it would have been if I allowed him online. The nursery don't care and follow my wishes the same way they do for other things and my child doesn't miss out just because he's not pictured online.

BertramLacey · 07/12/2021 21:15

I'm not a Nanna yet, but will be within the next few years, and I'd be so disappointed if my children told me that I couldn't send photo's of my grandchildren to my life long friends. I mean, why?

That's about what you want, not about what your children or grandchildren want. When I look for childhood photos of me, there are none on the internet. I was in my 20s when it was invented. The OP has said she wants her children to have that choice, to know that there are no photos of them out there, unless they specifically want to share them. It's not entirely about nefarious intent - it's about controlling what's available.

As a teenager at school I was bullied enough. I can't imagine what it would have been like if the school bullies had been able to get hold of a photo of seven year old me dressed as a unicorn, or whatever. And yes, that might happen anyway. but you do reduce the risk if you're careful.

thetruthisout · 07/12/2021 21:39

@BlondeDogLady

I never understand this. What "bad thing" do you think will happen, because some granny with about 10 friends (who she knows personally), has uploaded some photo's of her Grandkids?

I've only briefly rtft but OP said that although she isn't friends with MIL on fb she can still see the photos MiL has posted. That means EVERYONE ELSE on Facebook can also see the photos.

Bitofachinwag · 07/12/2021 21:40

:15BertramLacey

I'm not a Nanna yet, but will be within the next few years, and I'd be so disappointed if my children told me that I couldn't send photo's of my grandchildren to my life long friends. I mean, why?

It doesn't matter why if the parents don't want you to! On the other hand, why do you need to send photos of your grandchildren to your friends? Just show them photos when you see them, if they really do want to see photos of your grandchildren.

BossLady007 · 07/12/2021 21:43

This is possibly the weirdest thread I've ever read on here.

I'd be far more worried about a DH who wants no trace of a family anywhere. Whether that is work related or personal.

Summerfun54321 · 07/12/2021 21:44

Such a good point about WhatsApp pictures going to the cloud on various peoples phones and being stored and held. I’d honestly never thought of that….
Your MIL is either incredibly thick or incredibly deceitful.

ShinyHappyPoster · 07/12/2021 21:47

Should MIL have ignored his wishes? No.

But it's kind of odd that your DH works in cyber security but thinks there's a way to share pics safely. There isn't. Plus the logic seems flawed. At the start, you said it was about your DCs not having a data footprint or profile without their consent. Then you said it was about ensuring people with access to the pics didn't have location details and meta data. It's fuzzy logic and that makes me wonder if there are other aspects of family life and relationships that your DH tries to micro-manage and control by bombarding you with different reasoning until you acquiesce. If that is the case then I have a sneaking sympathy with your MIL.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 07/12/2021 21:47

@BossLady007

This is possibly the weirdest thread I've ever read on here.

I'd be far more worried about a DH who wants no trace of a family anywhere. Whether that is work related or personal.

I'm so confused people find the idea of not sharing their child's photos publicly online odd, controlling or worrying.

It's not exactly uncommon to want to maintain your child's privacy until they have a say in the matter.

I find it much stranger people willingly and freely post so much onto social media when their children have no say in the matter and which will still be there for all the world to find decades later.

Bitofachinwag · 07/12/2021 21:51

@2022HereWeCome

OP, your Mil shouldn't have gone against your wishes but I think you will need to rethink your stance a little. It seems a little extreme. When your DC start school there will be a whole raft of things that they will miss out on if you don't give consent for photos. I had to accept this the DS started reception. I am mindful of privacy and personal information but at some point you have determine what is more important, your kid not being allowed to be in the school photo / filmed nativity play or security concerns

Well, this is wrong. Nobody should have to choose being safe or being in the school photo! I don't understand this recent trend to film or photograph everything and putting it online. Most of us on here didn't grow up like this. Did we miss out?

Juneberries · 07/12/2021 21:52

@BossLady007

This is possibly the weirdest thread I've ever read on here.

I'd be far more worried about a DH who wants no trace of a family anywhere. Whether that is work related or personal.

I don’t any evidence that I even have a child as I work with people who have severe mental health problems, some of whom have committed offences against children amongst other things like stalking.

I’m a total and complete weirdo right?! Obviously my MIL’s right to show off comes before the children’s safety?

There are many many reasons someone might not want their child’s image and information in accessible places, and it frankly is their decision as parents and no one else’s beeswax.

Bitofachinwag · 07/12/2021 21:55

@BossLady007

This is possibly the weirdest thread I've ever read on here.

I'd be far more worried about a DH who wants no trace of a family anywhere. Whether that is work related or personal.

" no trace of a family anywhere" ? You don't mean " anywhere", do you? You mean " visible online".

You make it sound like unless you have your photo on the internet you don't exist.....

DrierThanANunsNasty · 07/12/2021 22:02

For those saying “what’s the worst that can happen?” Unfortunately, a close friend of mine recently found a Facebook group and page that shared pictures of young girls taken off of Facebook profiles/profile pictures etc. Her daughter was on there. The man running it said his perversions were a mental health condition and he should be allowed to take these photos and share them (he messaged her that when she asked him to take the photos down).

She and dozens of her friends, including me, reported it and Facebook said it wasn’t breaking any rules. The pictures are ‘harmless’ family photos, but the intent is very clear.

Please be careful where you’re sharing your photos.