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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never send MIL photos again?

339 replies

babybrain77 · 07/12/2021 16:48

This is actually a AIBU for DH.

DH feels extremely strongly about photos of the kids on social media. He has worked in cyber security and always knew that he didn't want pictures of his kids online (including shared by non secure message like whatsapp). It's been a pain in the backside, but I have supported him on it - never send pictures around or posted them anywhere. He found a secure messaging app which would allow us to share pictures with family and friends but which did not allow the pictures to be shared or stored. He set this up for anyone who wanted it and we've managed fine for 3 years.

MIL didnt want to use the app. So we have been printing off and giving her pictures of the kids whenever we see her, and also sending regular pictures in the post during lockdown.

DH recently sent a family friend a message congratulating them on the birth of a grandchild. The family friend replied saying thank you and "it has been so lovely watching your kids grow up from afar" (they live in Australia).

DH doesn't have Facebook so I searched for his mum (we aren't Facebook friends - I also don't really use it). His mum has been taking pictures of the hard copy photos we've sent and posting them on Facebook, freely viewable to all (no privacy restrictions). She has uploaded literally hundreds of pictures.

DH has explicitly explained why he doesn't want pictures online to his mum. He confronted her about it and she shrugged and said "I have to be able to show off my grandkids". He is spitting mad and has said he will never give her another picture, to which she has kicked off massively. IHBU?

OP posts:
alrightfella · 08/12/2021 08:12

@babybrain77 it's easy to have control whilst they are young. what are your plans once the kids go to school? Obviously you can say no to the school taking them but what about when they are invited to birthday parties and all the other parents will be taking photos of all the kids and putting them on their Facebook etc. the older they get it will be very difficult to control. I have two teens who are on social media themselves, i very rarely post pictures of them on my own. I just have to hope that I have taught them well with regards what to/not post.

I think your dh is nuts however your mil should not go against his wishes.

Bitofachinwag · 08/12/2021 08:15

[quote friedeggandsauce]@Bitofachinwag I've photos of me in the paper growing up and my children have been too- they love looking back at clippings. May not be to the extent of social media but photos are around [/quote]
Having clippings from a pre-internet newspaper is nothing like being on SM.

unsync · 08/12/2021 08:43

YANBU, so many people don't understand the value of personal data and the need to control it. I'd be tempted to continue with the hard copy pics, but pixelate or sticker any/all identifiable features before printing off. This way she gets her pics and privacy is maintained.

BreatheAndFocus · 08/12/2021 08:46

Your MIL is arrogant and disrespectful. She knew you didn’t want this and went ahead anyway. I’d get all the photos removed and never send her another photo.

I don’t like my DC on social media either. That’s my choice. Others can choose differently, but we should respect parents’ views on this. Your MIL purposely disrespected your views. It sounds like your DH doesn’t trust her anyway so this should have been predictable.

mogschristmascalamity · 08/12/2021 08:53

I limit pics of DD on social media, they are all of her back so none of her face. This is apart from my instagram account which is locked down and only 4 people can see the pictures as my parents live so far away.

DH cannot understand and does post pics. I showed him this story and he now understands. Its a parents nightmare! parent-finds-sex-toy-online-made-in-image-of-her-daughter

SpritzingAperol · 08/12/2021 09:00

Your MiL is massively out of order. And your DH's request trumps her need to show off her grandchildren.

But despite his concerns your DH does sound very extreme in his requests, in terms of her relationship as grandmother.

Is there a middle ground ? So your MiL can take pride in her grandchildren? My MiL used to have a little book of pics of her grandkids which she called 'her boasting book'. It was in her hand bag. Full of pride and love.

Your MiL doesn't want invisible grandchildren.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 08/12/2021 09:10

@babybrain77

I don't know enough about the ins and outs of the different apps to comment further - wickr was DH's choice and none are perfect. Obviously we have to rely on other people not to take pictures of their screens and post those pictures online. But at least if they did that, the pictures don't have the location/time/date etc. associated with them like the original does.
Not to nitpick, but copies taken from printed photos wont have that data either. She still shouldn't have done it though. I've never agreed with people posting pics of their young kids online. I have no in depth knowledge like your DH but my instincts were always against it.
KevinTheKoala · 08/12/2021 09:33

Regardless of anyone else's opinion on posting pictures online she completley disregarded you're wishes and for that reason alone she shouldn't be given any photos again. She needs to respect the fact that you are the parents and you make the decisions not her.

biwinoone · 08/12/2021 10:06

I don't think your husband is being unreasonable or excessive at all. My BIL who also works in cyber security is like your husband. My husband worked in IT and he is like your husband. People who actually know how people misuse internet have a good reason to distrust it. Especially kids pictures. We once saw a documentary in which they showed how kids pictures online were being used by sick perverts. Some were using them for sexual gratification and some were using them to graft whole fake families. People out there are weird and you don't want them to use your child's pictures. And no matter how strong the security settings and how long ago you deleted the picture, once it's on the web it will always be there. It never goes forever.

biwinoone · 08/12/2021 10:08

We have been very open with our child about the dangers of internet and the responsibility that comes with posting. So far we have been lucky but we will deal with peer pressure when it comes to that.

BiscuitLover3679 · 08/12/2021 10:09

I would be absolutely FUMING

Snugglybuggly · 08/12/2021 10:10

I thought WhatsApp was secure?

Lockdownbear · 08/12/2021 10:17

@Snugglybuggly

I thought WhatsApp was secure?
Secure as in nobody can hack it however you loose control once you've sent photos to someone on it. They are free to send them to whoever they want
RuggerHug · 08/12/2021 10:22

I honestly don't understand the people defending the GM. Even if you ignore the whole Internet aspect (which is bloody huge) if you just think back to being 15ish. Whatever the photo you hated of you as a child but your parents, grandparents loved. If they had a massive one by the front door so everyone who came in saw. All your friends, theirs, anyone delivering anything, working on the house. Imagine asking them to take it down or at least change it to one without the shite fringe. If they complained that they wouldn't because they liked it and your feelings as the person in the picture didn't matter? That times 1000. I'd hate every aspect of my life documented for all to see, why would I do it to my DCs?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/12/2021 11:01

MIL is very much in the wrong. She’s shown disrespect for your wishes as parents, which were very clearly expressed.

I think your DH is a tad OTT - I can’t see what is not secure about WhatsApp - but these were the views expressed by you as a couple, and as parents of the children.

She’s shown she can’t be trusted.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/12/2021 11:02

Secure as in nobody can hack it however you loose control once you've sent photos to someone on it.
They are free to send them to whoever they want

^^
Ah sorry this answers my point too. So the platform he’s found doesn’t allow people to send on or save, just to view?

LAMPS1 · 08/12/2021 11:16

@LAMPS1 it's kind to want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but it was explained in crystal clear terms at the outset and on many many occasions since. She's not an "old" grandma - she's in her mid 50s and works in IT so is well aware of what she is doing. I've found it quite interesting that it's actually our parents' generation (who did not have Internet access as young people) who have a much harder time understanding our desire for privacy for our children. Almost all of our own friends have not batted an eyelid when we have said no photos online and many have similar rules, although usually a bit less strict.

Thanks OP, for explaining. In this case then, it appears to be blatant defiance of your wishes and an entitlement over your children to which your MIL has no right. There is no other course of action other than to express your displeasure and to withhold more photos. You are right to support your husband.

Bitofachinwag · 08/12/2021 11:26

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Secure as in nobody can hack it however you loose control once you've sent photos to someone on it. They are free to send them to whoever they want

^^
Ah sorry this answers my point too. So the platform he’s found doesn’t allow people to send on or save, just to view?

Even if it's secure in the sense that nobody can hack in to it Whatsapp.(FB) themselves will still have the photo. Do you trust them with your personal data ?
BertramLacey · 08/12/2021 12:33

Is there a middle ground ? So your MiL can take pride in her grandchildren? My MiL used to have a little book of pics of her grandkids which she called 'her boasting book'. It was in her hand bag. Full of pride and love.

There was a middle ground. The MiL had physical copies of the photos. Sine she's then disregarded the request not to share these digitally, I don't see much choice but to retreat and say that no, she cannot have photos of them. She's brought it on herself.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/12/2021 13:41

You just saved me typing that, BertramLacey Smile
It's not as if OP/DH were trying to refuse MIL photos in the first place, but unfortunately that's what it may have to turn into because she simply didn't want to control herself

MaHBroon · 08/12/2021 14:25

@mogschristmascalamity

Honestly, I clicked on the link and there are more differences in the pictures than similarities.

I don’t see how it could be said to be the same girl.

Penners99 · 08/12/2021 15:24

MIL needs to be told that she will never get another picture or visit from the DC ever again.

Kirstyhewlett2018 · 08/12/2021 17:29

Wow! I’m totally on your husbands side! I don’t allow photos of my kids on social media either! I’d be pretty pi**ed too and if someone had done that to me I wouldn’t be giving them photos again either!

MinnieGirl · 08/12/2021 17:30

Your husband will have seen exactly what people do with photographs of children…. I don’t think he’s being unreasonable in the slightest…

But the bottom line here is your children, your rules. And MIL has explicitly gone against your rules. No more photos for her!
I would also tell her that if she doesn’t delete them immediately you will report her to Facebook. And do so.

I would be absolutely fuming

PeskyYeti · 08/12/2021 17:31

If she's tech savvy enough to use Facebook she can use the app.

I don't agree with your thoughts on this, but they're your kids and you get to trump grandma's desire to show them off.