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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up house to get a house for my kids

351 replies

NoNameHere12 · 07/12/2021 12:08

Hi,

Me and DH have just split after 16 years. We are not married (yes I know I’m a mug).
We have a mortgage on the house, both names. There is 170k equity.

That gives me 85k. I have 2 children. I won’t be eligible to buy somehwere for the 3 of us with that deposit as I don’t have an income, and I’m in the south east, so wouldn’t even get me a studio flat.

As I’d have 85k I wouldn’t get help with being housed. It’s not enough to buy somehwere, but too much to be entitled to help.

Aibu to think I Would I be better off giving him my half (that will go to our kids when he dies) so that I can get help with being housed, I feel stuffed either way.

OP posts:
MarleneDietrichsSmile · 07/12/2021 15:34

Be careful

Giving it to your ex H may seem a good idea now… but in a few years time he may have a GF and have kids with her, or she has kids already, and suddenly your kids will be bottom of his list

It happens all the time

Take the money to start a good life for you and kids, rent somewhere, look for work (if possible) and take it from there

Your plan sounds badly thought through. Things change.

Nocutenamesleft · 07/12/2021 15:35

I’m in the south east. PM me. I might be able to help. I know of lots of rentals etc.

Cocomarine · 07/12/2021 15:37

@gogohm

You need to get a better paid job, not give up what is rightfully yours because the state won't just pay your bills for long. Shared ownership is worth looking into because you can invest your £85k (or most of) and pay rent on the rest. If you get a standard paye job you only need 3-6 months of payslips too. You will get cms and if he earns a high salary spousal maintenance too is possible, usually granted for a limited time to help you get back on your feet.
She can’t get Spousal Maintenance, because she is not a spouse.

You say in another post that you can ask the court for it even if not married.

Presumably you mean bring a claim under Section 1 Schedule 15 of the Children Act 1989?

If so, that’s not a claim for spousal maintenance but an additional claim on behalf of the children (hence Children Act) above standard CMS for which marriage isn’t relevant. Children Act claims are fairly rare and mostly for high earners or unusual situations. #NotALawyer, but I don’t see that a woman working with her own business and two school age children (wraparound was mentioned) and £85K would have much of a claim.

If there’s another Act under which you can claim additional maintenance when not married, please correct me - would happily be wrong for OP!

GatoradeMeBitch · 07/12/2021 15:39

Do you have family and friends in the north or are you simply thinking of cheaper housing? You can get cheaper housing in the south too. But cheap housing tends to go hand in hand with higher unemployment rates than the average.

C0mpass5Morales · 07/12/2021 15:41

Before anyone says that they don't want to move away from family & friends

In certain places in the Midlands 80k would buy you a property out right or a huge deposit on a new build

PrinnyPree · 07/12/2021 16:06

I don't know if its already been suggested but could you buy an £85k property in a cheaper area, rent it out and use the rent money towards rent in the area you want to be in? X

Gonnagetgoing · 07/12/2021 16:16

@gukvguk

So you could have 85k and pay your own way or give it away and expect the tax payer to fund you?

Wonderful.

Get a job and pay your rent that way.

This. tax payers have to fund you and you have 85K! staggered.
Winter2020 · 07/12/2021 16:19

Hi OP,
Stay put in your house with a view to selling up and splitting the equity when your youngest is 21.

Ask your partner to continue to pay the mortgage in lieu of child maintenance payments.

If the house is sold when your children are adults you will be able to take your half and buy a small place/work full time etc.

EmpressCixi · 07/12/2021 16:30

Don’t give him your share. That is deliberate deprivation of assets and they’ll still count it and not help you with housing.

Look into shared ownership where you’d use the £85k to buy say 20% of a house, then pay rent on other 80% of house.
www.ownyourhome.gov.uk/scheme/shared-ownership/

westofnormal · 07/12/2021 16:32

You need serious professional help if you are even considering throwing 85k away, and especially the lack of logic or bizarre faith in someone who obviously dislikes you, sticking to doing what you want.

westofnormal · 07/12/2021 16:33

Not to mention that you think 85k isn't enough to own or rent a house. Truly bizarre and alarming behaviour. Almost seems like a joke or some drunk post.

Cocomarine · 07/12/2021 16:36

@Winter2020

Hi OP, Stay put in your house with a view to selling up and splitting the equity when your youngest is 21.

Ask your partner to continue to pay the mortgage in lieu of child maintenance payments.

If the house is sold when your children are adults you will be able to take your half and buy a small place/work full time etc.

That’s a valid proposal, but if I were her boyfriend I’d say no. All the while he’s still liable for the mortgage of a house he can’t live in, he’s very unlikely to be able to second mortgage. As OP needs wraparound care her oldest youngest child must surely be 11 maximum (Y6) - I wouldn’t tie myself into renting for 10 years. I would if my children otherwise couldn’t be housed - I’m not an arsehole - but in this case, OP can house them too.
Dagnabit · 07/12/2021 16:40

You can’t return the money then claim benefits. I would use it to live on and rent somewhere and look for a job. When you get below a certain amount, you can claim for your housing costs from UC. It’s unfair for the tax payer to fund your lifestyle, just so ‘your girls’ can receive an inheritance.

windmill26 · 07/12/2021 16:43

If I was you I would get work and start looking into how to get a shared ownership property.Do not give the money to him,it is a sizeable deposit even if the only property you can realistically afford is via a shared ownership scheme.There is no hurry to sell the house,sort yourself out work-wise so you don't have to rely only on benefits.

PlumManor · 07/12/2021 16:55

The OP has had a really hard time here, I’m fairly intolerant usually but even I can see she posted in a blind panic out of desperation.

There’s some really helpful suggestions and some pretty unrealistic ones too. A park home for one, you can’t live in those all year round so for at least two weeks a year, and up to three months she will have to go somewhere else, without even mentioning the outrageous ground rent charges per annum.

I agree with those that say try to get a permanent job with regular income. Use the money for rent and screw your ex for every penny of child maintenance you can get. Add to that any child benefit and possible UC (don’t know how that works with that amount of lump sum) but it should give you a comfortable buffer for at least a couple of years to sort yourself out.

You can do it, baby steps and make sure he pulls his bloody weight in childcare and financially to support his kids.

AliceA2021 · 07/12/2021 17:03

@Notanotherusernamenow

You can live off £85k for 2-3 years!! Why on earth would you give it up???

Or you can rent somewhere decent enough for 2 years, plus invest in finding a job - upskilling, volunteering, paying for childcare, getting a professional wardrobe, etc.

This. Don't expect others to support you. Surely with children and if he is 'well off' then you would have a reasonable amount of maintenance. A part time job as well. A large deposit to put down perhaps on a shared ownership since you say it wouldn't be enough.

You are far luckier than many are so use it rather than do the 'others can pay for me and my kids' route. You have money, use it and have respect.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 07/12/2021 17:05

@NoNameHere12

Yes, renting, so it would be better to sign it over to him wouldn’t it, rather than just give it to a landlord instead of the girls.

He won’t waste it or spend it, it will be for the kids as he is well off and doesn’t need it.

Then perhaps he should give you his half to go towards a deposit if he's well off and doesn't need it.

YABU

Anaximedes · 07/12/2021 17:08

Definitely don't give him the money. Partly because you will struggle to get benefits having given it away. Yes some of the money may go in rent but not all of it, you should be able to get back on your feet within a year so that doesn't happen.

You could undoubtedly buy at least one if not two buy-to-let properties with that deposit, in many parts of the country that arean't the south east, and then your money would be working for you and that income can offset (some of) the rent you are paying - eventually you would own the house(s) outright too. He should also be paying you maintenance as well as child maintenance if you can't work yet due to the children being small or having additional care needs, so this again will help against your costs. Make sure your solicitor fights for the best deal for you, don't roll over!

Do get some proper financial advice pronto! From an IFA as well as your solicitor.

If you don't want to invest in property, they can find some other way to invest across safest and slightly more risky long term investments, and help you work out what it is best to do about your pension and to preserve as much of your assets as possible as you move forward. Also rent the smallest property in the least expensive area that you can realistically tolerate/is suitable for the children. They are unlikely to thank you for putting your own future on the line just so they can live in a slightly bigger house/better place.

If going into buy-to-let, do your homework. This is a good place to start if you can get to one: www.landlordinvestmentshow.co.uk/all-2022-events

TotallyWipedout · 07/12/2021 17:08

@Pixiedust138

You should be able to stay in the house, at least for a few years to get yourself a job and regular income. First thing I'd do is get legal advice. DO NOT give him the money.
Not true. Even if they were married, that wouldn't be true.

It's funny: when I read posts about something I actually know something about, so much advice is not only a bit dodgy but completely wrong. The same is presumably true of other subjects discussed here about which I know nothing.

OP, there's no such thing as "custody" in this country. It's an American thing.

As an unmarried partner, you have very, very few rights (I know there's no point revisiting this, as it's done now - but what was you reason for not getting married? I ask particularly in case someone else is reading this who could change their own situation before it's too late).

If your ex partner is a decent person (which you seem to think he is), and has money, why would he not be making a contribution to your daughters' lives/childcare needs while you get yourself into a position where you are fully employable again? (retraining? Gaining an additional qualification? Or even just applying for jobs which may not thrill you but which would enable you to pay to rent somewhere privately as a hopefully temporary measure?)

Above all, you need to get proper legal advice, from somewhere other than Mumsnet.

Thesechipsdontlie · 07/12/2021 17:10

On the work front, retrain as a TA/SEN support? That's term time, school hours, so works with school age children. I have friends who did that,and have made it work.

There are cheaper areas on the SE coast. It's not cheap, but it is cheaper

LakieLady · 07/12/2021 17:13

Use it to buy a share of a shared ownership property. You will then be able to claim HB for the remainder of the property and "staircase up" as your career progresses and your financial situation improves. £85k would be 25% of a £340k property, which would get you somewhere decent in much of the south-east.

If you're intending to use the money to help you buy a home, it will be disregarded for at least 6 months by DWP. This period can be extended as long you're seriously trying to buy.

Hotelhelp · 07/12/2021 17:13

You’re mad! As if giving away that equity would ever be the right thing.

2bazookas · 07/12/2021 17:18

If you have to rent you will need cash upfront for a tenancy deposit; plus., a LL may want rent paid in advance until your benefits are sorted out or you get a job.

If you hand the money to Ex, you lose all control of the money, the house, his finances, his life. He could sell the house and spend the lot on gambling drugs and whores. Or marry again. Have more children. Spend years in old-age care he has to pay for.

There is no guarantee your children will ever inherit anything from him.

MumofBoys79 · 07/12/2021 17:21

How old are the kids?

Do you have to remain in the South East? Could you move to somewhere more affordable? There are reasonable places where you could buy a flat for 85k. I appreciate this would depend on kids' school, support network, etc.

Good luck OP xx

Chocolatewheatos · 07/12/2021 17:26

You don't know it will go to your children and even if you did it would be bloody selfish. Hoard away 85k and expect the rest of us to pay your rent for you?

Use your 85k to pay rent. Move somewhere cheaper. Get a job.

I can't belive you think it's OK to have 85k in savings and ask for a council house paid for by the rest of us.