Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up house to get a house for my kids

351 replies

NoNameHere12 · 07/12/2021 12:08

Hi,

Me and DH have just split after 16 years. We are not married (yes I know I’m a mug).
We have a mortgage on the house, both names. There is 170k equity.

That gives me 85k. I have 2 children. I won’t be eligible to buy somehwere for the 3 of us with that deposit as I don’t have an income, and I’m in the south east, so wouldn’t even get me a studio flat.

As I’d have 85k I wouldn’t get help with being housed. It’s not enough to buy somehwere, but too much to be entitled to help.

Aibu to think I Would I be better off giving him my half (that will go to our kids when he dies) so that I can get help with being housed, I feel stuffed either way.

OP posts:
MrsWarleggan · 07/12/2021 14:30

Maybe elsewhere in the country but affordable housing/part ownership is in no way shape or form affordable in the south east. DH and I looked at it when we were buying and the rent + mortgage + service charges were colossal and that was with the minimum % you could actually own. It was a 3 bed rabbit hutch too!

OP get proper legal advice. If you have to rent for a year to straighten yourself out do that. You will still have a sizeable deposit even after that.

Ohdofuckoffcovid · 07/12/2021 14:33

Do not do that! You will be offered temporary housing and then possible crap housing in crap areas. Start making realistic plans, you have money to fall back on.

Move to an area, you can afford
Get a job asap

ivykaty44 · 07/12/2021 14:36

deprivation of assests would mean you wouldn't get help. You can't give away £85k and then say you haven't got any money to the social housing etc.

if you'd eventually get found out and could find yourself in a right pickle - without funds and facing eviction. ive seen it happen over an inheritance and tbh the woman wished shed never received the money.

stalkersaga · 07/12/2021 14:38

Seriously, posters: OP is NOT MARRIED.

That means no pension sharing, no court review of assets according to need, no Mescher order, no "right to stay in the house until the youngest is 18" (that wouldn't be true even if they WERE married), no spousal maintenance.

It means the resident parent gets child maintenance and any jointly held assets (homes and bank accounts) are split 50:50. Not according to need; that only happens in a marriage. 50:50.

OP could ask her ex if he's willing to defer his share of the equity, but she will have to cover the whole mortgage, which it seems unlikely she can afford, and he can just say no and force a sale. He probably doesn't much fancy renting either and is unlikely to be in a position to buy his own property without a chunk of the equity.

Hont1986 · 07/12/2021 14:41

You need to focus on getting a different job if the business isn't profitable right now. Honestly I would do that while you're still living together, if that's bearable.

Watchingpeppa12 · 07/12/2021 14:42

I’d look at a resale shared ownership.. your 85k could potentially cover your whole share, claim housing benefit on the rent part until you get a new job

Hont1986 · 07/12/2021 14:44

How old are the children? If you tried to move up north and he opposed it legally, their wishes might be taken into account. (I mean, would they want to stay with him in their current house?)

Cocomarine · 07/12/2021 14:47

@stalkersaga

Seriously, posters: OP is NOT MARRIED.

That means no pension sharing, no court review of assets according to need, no Mescher order, no "right to stay in the house until the youngest is 18" (that wouldn't be true even if they WERE married), no spousal maintenance.

It means the resident parent gets child maintenance and any jointly held assets (homes and bank accounts) are split 50:50. Not according to need; that only happens in a marriage. 50:50.

OP could ask her ex if he's willing to defer his share of the equity, but she will have to cover the whole mortgage, which it seems unlikely she can afford, and he can just say no and force a sale. He probably doesn't much fancy renting either and is unlikely to be in a position to buy his own property without a chunk of the equity.

@arethereanyleftatall I’ve just searched your posts and you mentioned getting divorced. So - when you said you got SM in exactly the same circumstances, you meant, absolutely not the same circumstances? Read the quoted post.
MyDcAreMarvel · 07/12/2021 14:47

You could buy a house outright in many places in the north.

Hippychicken1 · 07/12/2021 14:49

I think with 85k you won’t get anything
No UC or help with the rent or childcare
If you bought a place using 70k as a deposit and the 15k left over you could use to pay fees and furnish it then once your under 16k you could apply for UC
However you won’t get any help with your mortgage from UC
If you give it to your kids they will see it as deprivation of assets and treat you as if you still have that money
A friend of mine is worried because she is the executor of her parents estate and the money has to go into an account in her name so she can distribute it to the beneficiaries and she is worried that the DWP will think it’s her money even though she has a will naming her as the executor and not the beneficiary so can prove the money isn’t hers she is still worried

Booklover3 · 07/12/2021 14:51

In a way I’m glad you posted here and didn’t just give it to him OP. It’ll be okay. Fresh start. Wherever you choose Flowers

MyDcAreMarvel · 07/12/2021 14:51

Somewhere like this
www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/116113838#/?channel=RES_BUY

Waitwhatwhy · 07/12/2021 14:52

Wow there’s some nasty people on this thread. Expecting a mother who is losing everything to move away from friends and her ex because she has enough money to buy a small flat in a bad area? Being horrible to her because she is panicking and not thinking straight. I’m ashamed of MNetters today.

OP you need legal advice. A lot of solicitors will give you a free consultation or try CAB or one of the womens charities.

I have no legal advice but in your situation I would be asking if you are entitled to stay in the house until the dc are 18. If not, what are you entitled to from ex to provide housing for dc. You say he is well off so he should be paying a decent amount to house and feed his children.

gogohm · 07/12/2021 14:55

You need to get a better paid job, not give up what is rightfully yours because the state won't just pay your bills for long. Shared ownership is worth looking into because you can invest your £85k (or most of) and pay rent on the rest. If you get a standard paye job you only need 3-6 months of payslips too. You will get cms and if he earns a high salary spousal maintenance too is possible, usually granted for a limited time to help you get back on your feet.

hotmeatymilk · 07/12/2021 14:55

You could buy a house outright in many places in the north.
That doesn’t help if she wants the children to stay near their dad and have a relationship and regular contact with him, though.

meh12 · 07/12/2021 14:56

Take a deep breath OP. Then go get some advice, you have options, I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you do and once you've done some research and know where you stand I'm sure you'll feel much better Thanks

CrimbleCrumble1 · 07/12/2021 14:57

How old are you, how old are your DC? If you got a full time job would share ownership be an option?

gogohm · 07/12/2021 14:58

By the way you can get court ordered support even if you are not married if you have children. Plus you can always just ask - not all men are bad, my ex pays support despite kids being over 18

Waitwhatwhy · 07/12/2021 14:59

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]Somewhere like this
www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/116113838#/?channel=RES_BUY[/quote]
MyDC if your long term relationship had just broken down, would you seriously want to move 200 miles from all your support network, move your dc away from everyone they know, friends, school etc and away from their father, and live in a really rundown area where you know nobody? Or would you rather stay in your area if at all possible and be looking at ways to do it?

CrimbleCrumble1 · 07/12/2021 15:00

Would it be so bad to rent a place with your DC, get a job and maintenance and go from there?

Thegreencup · 07/12/2021 15:00

@gukvguk

So you could have 85k and pay your own way or give it away and expect the tax payer to fund you?

Wonderful.

Get a job and pay your rent that way.

This. Exactly.

Don't rely on your ex doing the right thing by you and the kids either. What happens when he shacks up with the OW and has another 3 kids? Who gets the money then?

Nocutenamesleft · 07/12/2021 15:29

My mum did this

My dad then remarried and changed his will so that it went to his wife

Don’t trust him.

Borderterrierpuppy · 07/12/2021 15:30

Gland see a lawyer, yes I know you are not marries however there is a substantial amount of equity and you mention he is comfortable therefore will be able to pay child maintenance.
Go and find out your rights and the best way to approach the split x

Borderterrierpuppy · 07/12/2021 15:30

Go and, not gland sorry

ittakes2 · 07/12/2021 15:30

You use it to pay rent for a place you and your kids can call home. Much better to see them settled and happy than try for a council home you may or may not get.
besides - I think you are confused about what benefits are for. They are not so you can ring fence money for your children's inheritance...besides you do realise if he marries again and dies before his partner does that partner could get the money not your children? And if that partner has their own children and then they die....their children will get the money and still not your children. or if he has more children than he might spilt his estate equally with the new kids. I am not sure you are thinking this through.