To give up house to get a house for my kids

[NoNameHere12]

Hi,

Me and DH have just split after 16 years. We are not married (yes I know I’m a mug).
We have a mortgage on the house, both names. There is 170k equity.

That gives me 85k. I have 2 children. I won’t be eligible to buy somehwere for the 3 of us with that deposit as I don’t have an income, and I’m in the south east, so wouldn’t even get me a studio flat.

As I’d have 85k I wouldn’t get help with being housed. It’s not enough to buy somehwere, but too much to be entitled to help.

Aibu to think I Would I be better off giving him my half (that will go to our kids when he dies) so that I can get help with being housed, I feel stuffed either way.

You trust a man who you know won’t move out to give the money to your children?
Frankly: don’t be silly.

The options are:

• you and the children stay put and you cover the mortgage whilst he rents, and you have a very clear legally drawn up agreement on what that means in terms of equity later and triggers for sale
• he buys you out and you rent with your £85K and get on with you life
• if he can’t afford that, you sell up and you rent with your £85K

Could you get a home on a part buy/part rent scheme?

This is one of those posts when I am so glad mumsnet exists ..85k is a good chunk of money in a different location as a self employed person .. give yourself time to think and research and plan

As said previously @TinyTear that was with reference to me leaving my children and moving out without them! Not leaving them in the care of someone else temporarily.

Your post isn’t helpful

Get some proper legal advice and prepare to fight your, and your DC's, corner.

@gukvguk

So you could have 85k and pay your own way or give it away and expect the tax payer to fund you?

Wonderful.

Get a job and pay your rent that way.

Actually if OP did that it’s likely she’d be treated as though she still had the money - when I received an inheritance just before I got my first rented flat I only got my housing benefit because I could prove the flat was unfurnished and I’d used it on stuff like a sofa, washing machime.

Yes I can see now it was stupid to suggest leaving the 85k, I don’t know my head from me elbow at the minute!

THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.

DO NOT DO THIS.

Several people have mentioned shared ownership. You can afford this, OP. Look into it.

Do not give away your share of the house. Having something is always certainly better than having nothing. If your name is on the deeds and your relationship has irretrievably broken down then you have as much right to stay there as he does and as the children's primary carer it's more appropriate for you to have the family home than for him to have it.

Can you afford to cover the full amount of the mortgage if he were to move out? Could the mortgage be switched to "interest only" temporarily until such time as your youngest child is old enough that you can get a full time job without needing to be available for school run?

If he were to move out wihout you "buying out" his share he will officially still own £85,000 of equity in the house that you are living in - for which you should notionally pay him rent, but maybe he would be willing to offset that rent against the child support payments that he should be giving you.

If he is a good dad and loves his kids then he won't want to see them homeless or being forced to move to the other end of the country to get to somewhere that you can afford to live. So he needs to talk with you reasonably about how to achieve an outcome where your kids have a roof over their heads and time with the two parents who both love them to bits, with no one decending into abject poverty.

If you really can't stay in the current home then he will have to buy you out and give you your equity (check that £85,000 isn't an underestimate!). If you are on the council house waiting list (even if you have no hope of ever getting a council house because you are currently adequately housed and have assets) then you will be eligible for shared ownership schemes. Some of these will exclude you because you have previously owned property but others will accept that in the case of relationship breakdown you are having to start again so should qualify. You should be able to get at least a 25% slice of a shared ownership property in the southeast with your equity lump sum (maybe a tiny mortgage for whatever the building society will lend you on your limited income) and you pay rent on the rest. Once the kids are older and more independent your earnings can increase and you may be able to staircase up to owning more.

I’d get a lawyer and absolutely keep that 85K. That can buy or help buy a nice flat or townhouse somewhere, which you’ll need for your old age. If you take care of the children, you should get child support payments. I surely hope your ex-partner was not encouraging you to give it all to him and suggest you go on benefits and raise the children yourself. He then walks away with the house, zero responsibilities, and sentences you to hard life in poverty whilst he can get a new partner and prosper.

@arethereanyleftatall

Don't give it to him!! That would be absurd.

£85k is a sizeable deposit.

Many areas of the country that would nearly buy you a house!

Mortgages take in to account child maintenance, spousal maintenance, child benefit as income. If he has a good job, and you're not working (presumably due to caring responsibilities?) then he will need to pay cm and sm. (and before anyone says they don't pay sm any more, they did for me just a few months back, same circs).

I'd rent until your dc are in school, then get a job, together with benefits above, that'll get you a mortgage.

You got spousal maintenance without being married?

wont necessarily go to your kids tho will it. it may be spent or it may go to a future wife and her kids instead. too many problems arise. or he may get dementia, marry a golddigger and suddenly your kids could kiss goodbye whatever money there father has

How old are the children? You say he’s well off would he allow you to stay living in the house and sell once the children leave home and then split the profit? Potentially work out some arrangement where child maintenance takes into account the expense to him of leaving you in the house?
I wouldn’t give the house to him apart from anything else he could sell it, fritter away the money and the kids will have no permanent home

What you're suggesting is ethically awful as well as stupid. The tax payer is not there to protect your children's inheritance. Benefits are not there for people with 85k in the bank. Use your own money and get a job.

The council will want to know where the money has gone.
My mum had a terrible time trying to prove a property she jointly owned with my dad was in negative equity when they split and that she wasn't sitting on a wad of cash.

Best option would probably be;

• you negotiate to stay in the house for a while while you get a salaried job so you have a regular income
• Then list house for sale (you'll probably have around 6 months from listing to completion)
• use the £85k to buy part of a shared ownership property, as fully appreciate prices here are ridiculous!
• then you only pay rent on the unowned share, you have an investment & you have more security than private renting

In the long term, do you see yourself as working?

I would find a job that covers the rent and bills etc in the first instance whilst looking to move to a job that pays more so you can protect your nest egg. In the event that in 2 or 3 years time you have a steady good job and can get a mortgage, you would have a sizeable deposit at hand. Also you'd be financially independent, supporting yourself with a view to earning more if you progress in your field. What about pensions and savings etc? You can plan for the future more if you are working and earning.

Don't give away a nest egg like that. It's not the best plan long term.

Can people really not read anymore? Or are they just in too much of a hurry to put the boot in??
The OP has said already she wasn't thinking straight, she doesn't need 300 more posts telling how stupid she is being.
Nor can she just grab their kids and drag them off to a sodding trailerpark in Glouscestershire...(unless she already lives in Gloucestershire!) Generally you can just take the other parents kids and fuck off hundreds of miles away, unless they agree to it!

OP, take a breath, get some really good legal advice and then make a plan.
It will feel like a mountain to climb, but once step at a time.
Sorry about your shitty ex and your business going south-I know too many people for whom Covid has been devastating financially.

You need to get a job that pays enough to live off. Use childcare if you need to. You can't just sign 85k over to your husband then scrounge off the taxpayer from now till eternity.

Op I mean this kindly. Right now you're catastrophising and it has you paralysed.
What you need to do is dig down, find some strength and make a plan. He needs to buy you out and you get a job. Carry on your business part time. Rent somewhere cheap, move to a cheaper area if you have to. Do not hand over that £85k. He'll have something to leave the kids anyway.

Generally you CAN'T just take the other parents kids obvs!

If you give it to him it’s his to do as he likes no guarantee your children get it.
Can you stay in house living separately or live with family.
Priority is obviously a job for you.
Then use money as deposit or shared ownership.
You can claim maintenance from him for children.

@arethereanyleftatall how did a court award you spousal (clue is in the name) maintenance when you’re not married?

And it’s simply wrong to say that mortgages take CM and SM into account. A mortgage lender sets their own rules, and actually very few will include CM. It’s worth speaking to a broker as there may be a lender that suits OP - but it’s wrong to just say that it’s normal to take them into account. It isn’t.

Is there a possibility of using some of the deposit to retrain for a better job whilst you temporarily rent? You would be entitled to child maintenance for your two girls and as your DP is well off that could pay towards your accommodation fees?

Don't walk away without the equity. You would be putting yourself in a very difficult position even if you were able to claim benefits. You also need to start thinking about building up a pension fund for your retirement.

I was in very similar circumstances to you OP with a very similar amount coming to me (though I didnt actually get it until 2.5 years post seperation, the 'when' you get it to enable you to pay rent is important). I rented, lived very frugally and as my husband had the children 50% of the time, got no maintenance. Somehow, I managed to scrape by for a year and a half - also self employed - then I got a pretty good job and when my settlement finally arrived, was able to buy a house with a smallish mortage, 70k deposit. My ex stayed in the family home and bought me out. People have left with nothing, you (and I) are/were in a better position than most. I would strongly urge you towards employment, even if you make less, there is security in it, capacity to get a mortgage, etc. I rented for nearly 3 years and yes it sucked and is a total waste of money but needs must. Do not give the 85k to your ex, that is one of the most crazy things I've ever heard, that money is your key to the rest of your life as an independent woman, reliant on neither a man or the state. And man that feels good, believe me.